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EliNoah
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 27 Mar 2017
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 1

28 Mar 2017, 8:53 pm

I am so happy I found this site. I have learned a lot about AS. I suspected my husband as being an Aspie but without a diagnosis, I couldn't be sure. A little about him: very poor communication skills, very emotional, has
boundary issues. Up until some events I will mention later, he was committed to this relationship which seems to be another sign of Aspies. He has always been into science fiction and astronomy. In some ways he is super intelligent.
My Aspie befriended a young woman at work who was troubled. A married, chronic cheater and unhappy with herself. She had a nasty reputation at work because of her sleeping around. For some reason, he felt badly for her and would talk to her about her problems. He would later say she was like a daughter to him and he is old enough to be her father. According to him, she would liken the advice to advice she received from her father. He constantly told her that she needed to stop running around with men at work and focus on her family.
This was all done behind my back. My husband is not very social so to hear that there was this relationship was a little unsettling. I later found out that he became so fixated on her that he would frequently, almost daily, go onto her FB page and stare at her pictures (they were not FB friends). He neglected to clear an internet search on the computer and through cookies I got to see just how often he was on FB. It was quite devastating.
My husband has always been funny about holidays. it was not uncommon for birthdays or Christmases to receive nothing from him. Whenever he did this, I reminded myself I treated myself to things and it was ok that he didn't buy me any gifts.
This coworker mentioned to him that she would be transferring to another worksite. My husband went and bought her a goodbye gift, very inappropriate, a necklace which symbolized love forever. According to him it was the first one he saw but from us being together so long, I believe that thought went into it. The transfer was to be in June or July but he HAD to give her this necklace for Christmas. Long story short, she didn't transfer.
At times I think this was a midlife crisis or midlife transition but with what I have read about AS I am inclined to think it was either AS or it was AS and Midlife combined.



VinoVeritas
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 27 Apr 2016
Age: 53
Gender: Male
Posts: 46
Location: California

03 Apr 2017, 1:18 am

AS doesn't cause a man to become attracted to a younger woman at the office. It can, however, entail boundary and communication issues that would affect how you deal with the situation.

It does sound like your husband had (has?) an attraction to this woman. It also sounds like he has tried to put up some boundaries for himself to keep from acting on it - like positioning himself as a father-figure and telling the woman not to run around with men. Nevertheless, the gift you describe and the time spent on her Facebook page (if that is what he was doing) make me think that he is feeling tempted.

My recommendation, if you are ready to start thinking about solutions, is to communicate with him about it. Let him know you are aware of his feelings (and the Facebook activity), but do it in a way that doesn't make him feel attacked. Give him credit for setting boundaries for himself earlier, but share your concern that he may have started inching over them. If he is AS, you may be dealing with someone who values stability more than the neurotypical (NT) person, which is to your advantage. However, Aspies often see conflict in more black-and-white absolutes, which can make a fight or argument that much more likely to escalate. Before you talk to him, decide what sort of resolution you want to see, so that you can ask to work with you toward a goal rather than making him feel accused. That gives you more power in the discussion. Rather than demand he stop speaking to this woman, you might suggest that he involve you more actively in attempting to advise her with her problems. Tell him you would like to offer a "woman's perspective." It is psychologically harder to think about cheating if you are going to come home and tell your wife all about the interaction. And who knows - maybe you can offer something that would help the woman with her self esteem.

If the problem is more serious, or if it does develop into a fight you can't resolve, you might consider asking a professional for help. If you belong to a church, having a pastor or religious leader who knows both of you is a big advantage. Failing that, professional counseling can be quite helpful.

It sounds like you have developed a successful and lasting marriage, and you are both to be commended for that. Good luck, and have faith in yourself to work it out.