Why would my family say these bad things about marriage?

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When my sister got rid of her third husband, she got dogs. They've lasted a lot longer than any of the husbands so there must be some difference.

I prefer dogs to cats but they do seem to take up more room even when they are the same size. I think it's because cats go into the gaps while dogs are always wherever your about to step. Hopefully you will get somewhere big enough for a dog soon.

Probably not . In fact, I'm at a point where I find sex revolting (this includes foreplay). I can't even enjoy kissing anymore without being drunk.

It stands for "Men Going Their Own Way". It's basically men who avoid relationships with women. Some continue to have female friends and/or sex with escorts. Others avoid even that. Look it up on Wikipedia.

Ah, but that's not what I was taught! I was taught that only I will be required to put my wife's interests first. While she won't need to do the same for me (because she's a woman, I guess ). Because when I asked my family if my wife would even care about my interests, they told me to forget about my interests . That's where I knew I must keep all women at arm's length. I allow friendships, but nothing else.

The cat we have now is underfoot a lot & Cass's parents had a cat that was too but I guess dogs in general probably do it a tad more so that does make sense. Cass isn't sure if she wants to renew her lease or not. There are some issues with this place & different place could potentially be a lot better for Cass's issues. But moving would be a big hassle & hiring movers would cost a bit I'm sure. I'm comfortable where we're at for the most part but I want what's best for Cass & her issues being alittle better would be better for me & our relationship so the decision would be up to her if we can figure out how to make it happen.

I doubt most relationships are like this. Your family is with some very demanding & controlling women. I spend a lot of time with Cass while she indulges in her interest because I love spending time with her(I'm needy & clingy with romantic partners) & she gets annoyed sometimes that I'm not giving her space. My two exes wanted me to do my own thing more too so they could do there's; we were long distance thou so that may of been a factor.

I don't mind MGTOW, althought I'm more into One Going Their Own Way. Without necessarily rejecting relationships – but you should never sell who you are for a relationship. This kind of relationship is never a healthy love/friendship.
I guess MGTOW are guys who never expirienced healthy romantic love. Yes, remaining single is a better idea than going into self-destruct.

Well...ugh...*sigh*...

I’m inclined to disagree with you, but it’s all irrelevant.

It’s always her first without any thought or hope for any thought to your own interests. You have to look after yourself in this game, and keeping her safe (note I didn’t say “happy”) and well is your #1 priority Before All Else (bae, get it? lol). If that carries the expectation that she returns the favor, then that devalues her as a person.

In other words, she should WANT to return your affections because she loves you and wants you to be safe and well, also.

The problem is cultural and completely artificial. (Wo)man-made, if you will. Empowering women IS a good thing. Breaking women out of oppressive patriarchal gender roles IS a good thing. But the culture doesn’t stop there. It teaches that men should step back, be less of men, be emasculated, that men put women on the pedestal and keep them there with every advantage without women having to earn anything in the same way men have been doing for thousands of years. Women are ENTITLED to whatever they want, even at our expense, and we don’t even have the right to ask for women to just help us with something.

That’s what the culture has told us, and too many of us just roll over and play dead.

That’s what people are telling you, I mean, that’s where it’s coming from. You don’t have to buy into it. If you are a lead-from-the-front kind of guy and don’t want to give up doing what you enjoy, there’s a girl out there who is cool with that and will let you “be a man.” Before I got married, I “laid down the law” about what I expected and insisted that she go along if she wanted to be married or take a hike. Yes, we’ve come into conflict over the YYYEEEEEEAAAAAARSSSSS, which over that much time is inevitable, but we always get it straight and move on without any meltdowns.

In fact, I was getting ready to go to work when a coworker called for my wife to, long story short, tell us not to come in due to weather. Ummmm...work won’t wait just because it rains a little, so, yeah, unless you’re shutting the place down we’re on our way. I thanked her for her concern and then she said, “well, ok, you’re the boss.” I told my wife that, and she said that most people at work see me that way. I’m like, whaaaaa??? Yes, we also work together.

But I find it hard to believe because she’s so smart and I defer to her on so many things that people thinking I’m the boss of my house is a strange concept. It’s not that I really gun for getting my way all the time. It’s that I stand my ground AT ALL that makes it look like I and only I ever have the final say. I suppose in principle I do have the final say, but we are in agreement so much of the time I just don’t see it.

You’re lucky if you can find a girl like that, someone who respects you as a “man” however you define that and not keep your balls in a pickle jar locked under the kitchen sink. So many women prefer to keep their men neutered, and I feel that’s just wrong. The right kind of woman will have a way of making you WANT to put her first in everything you do. You won’t even know it because she’s so busy treating you with dignity and respect. You’re going to think she’s sexy and you can’t keep your hands off her when all she really wants is a back rub. You both win.

The kinds of men who gave you advice or whatever aren't doing it right. In reality, women are selfish. Yes, ALL women without exception. But men are the same way. To get what you want, you must always give her what she wants. If you make her feel like a queen, you will BE the king. If she never does anything nice for you, stop going above and beyond for her. Trust me, she will notice. And when she finally does what you want, lay it on thick and reward her. She will keep coming back.

***Reversal: women and men both tend to weaponize sex. If you aren’t careful, the above tactic can backfire and ruin your life. Sex can always be used as a reward or consolation. Withholding sex should NEVER be used as a punishment. If you ever DO marry, make sure the two of you are on the same page FIRST. Else you are setting yourself up for a life full of misery.

You....you are a weird one.

But I like you, you should write a book on this subject.

This does not sound like the married life of my parents. My father had say over some things and my mother had say over other things but they were typically in agreement.

IMHO either they think these old and tired "jokes" are funny, or they have a negative view of marriage.

However, you also are reading a little too much into some of these statements.

- Not having to share interests does NOT mean you can only be interested in things she is. It means you can agree to do some things separately. As long as both people in a relationship are on the same page about how much "togetherness" is needed, there is no rule as to how much time that has to be. My husband and I have never had that many shared interests. I don't take him along to certain things and he doesn't take me along. We are always theoretically invited, but quite happy to spend that time each doing our own thing. Every couple is different as to how often they are willing to do this. And, yes, sometimes both of us go to things we aren't interested in just because the other is. Don't read "one way street" into this. That is just wrong.

- 2, 3 and 4 are all plays on the same joke, "happy wife, happy life." Perhaps it derives from the old fashioned concept that men are supposed to be the head of the household, but the joke is on them if they don't figure out fast that their wife's opinion matters. Every relationship is going to balance the needs and interests of the spouses differently but, in general, there are lots of things women care about that men don't (and vice a versa) so the relationship will tend to default those decisions to the person who cares the most. But, again, every relationship is different. You can usually tell when dating how you both will negotiate, default, and make decisions. Don't marry someone if you aren't happy with the balance that develops while dating.

- 5 No, it does not mean she will control you. But it does mean she will tell you when you are doing something that either isn't in your own best interest (unless she knows you already know that) or the best interest of the relationship. Because communication is the key to keeping a relationship healthy long term.

- 6 In many ways another variation of "happy wife, happy life." This one assumes she cooks for you at all, and that you have no say in what gets cooked. There are so many false assumptions in how you are hearing this I don't even know where to start. First, if I cook for my family, I take great pains to make food they will all enjoy. This is no small task, and frustrating as hell for me, but who wants to go through the trouble of cooking to have no one really like it? I don't want them to fake it, I want them to like it. Sometimes I try something that isn't great and I appreciate if they eat it anyway (I can't stand wasting food), but I can tell when I shouldn't make it again (my husband's line is, "it wasn't my favorite"). While for generations husbands thought they had to pretend, I think that is silly. Many of those wives were shocked and saddened to find out years later what the truth was. When coupes communicate in a positive way the relationship strengthens. Hiding from your spouse weakens the relationship. Second, who does the cooking and shopping in our family is constantly changing based on relative work schedules and other needs. My husband and I each have our different favorites and equally difficult times remembering accurately each other's preferences, so neither of us buy things we wouldn't eat ourselves without specific written instructions. We don't like to waste food, so we shop carefully. And we discuss what to buy or cook a LOT.

The reality is men give each other a LOT of bad advice when it comes to relationships. Each person needs to find the balance that uniquely works for them. You don't have to make choices that make you miserable just to have a relationship; being miserable kind of defeats the point, does it not?

Truth be told, it was mostly the women who said these things. The men did too, on occasion, but the women said it a lot more. All while saying how marriage will reduce me to being treated like a kid, in the home I helped pay for to boot. I say it's really messed up how they favored my future wife---who wasn't even a specific person at the time, and now never will be---over me.

Well, they're reaping what they sowed. While I found my own reasons to never get married, they contributed to them.

Sounds like your "family members" are mentally ill man hating feminists or "evangalist" cucks. Serious the quotes make it sound like the husband is the wife's slave.

Marriage is a shared partnership where both the wife and husband surrender to each other and consumate as one.

I know politics is taboo but the way feminists even non radical ones think is scary.

Interesting. I've heard men say these things, not women, except maybe occasionally as a joking echo of what they've heard men say.

But I've also discovered that my kids have taken to heart, usually in a very unintended way, far too many of my past throw away comments I have no memory of ever making. Sigh. It is far too easy to mess up as an adult.

I think staying single is great if that is what someone wants and is happy with. There is more than one road to take in life.

I'm confused why you would take up this topic with your mind made up, however. Is it to sell others on staying single?

No, it isn't. I'm just sincerely trying to understand: If my family is indeed hoping to marry me off to some woman, why are they telling me how horrible my marriage will be? Don't they realize they're putting me off the whole idea?

Can I be brutal?

I guess they couldn't imagine you not wanting to get married and for whatever reason, they took your willing for granted.
And then, they may have evaluated your marriage-worthiness very low, so they tried to make you a humble servant just to have a chance for any married life.

That's not how healthy marriage works but according to your posts in another thread, your parents are enormously strict and controlling, so I guess they have very little idea of how healthy relationships work in general.

You're not brutal at all. You're actually pretty accurate.

First off, my family is very Blue Pill, which means they're naive to the realities of today's relationship between sexes at large (in the US, at least). Also, my parents' marriage was always far from happy, full of constant fighting and screaming, and never mellowed out until they were both well into old age. So "not knowing how healthy relationships work" could be accurate too.

Your comment about my marriage worthiness is interesting. When my family gave me compliments, it was always, and I mean always, about my intelligence or academics: "smart", "capable", "bright", etc. It was never about things that actually mattered among my peers and in society at large. To rub salt in the wound, my "smarts" quickly became a license for demanding nothing but utmost perfection in school, and punishing me for even a small mistake on my homework assignments.

Well, my family did compliment me on my appearance too, but I knew it didn't mean anything, because girls usually described me as "ew!". A few times, a therapist I was seeing gave me the same compliments, but they sounded so cringeworthy coming from her, I can't even find a word to describe it. Speaking of "ew!", now that I aged into my looks and got somewhat good at attracting women, most women my age are looking to get married now. And I have to work hard at keeping them out of my life, rather than bringing them into my life.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 25 Feb 2018, 1:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

My advice to you op would be this: Buy a dog.

Like yourself, I am very red pill. Once I'm done with university and residency, I dream of buying a house, and a couple of dogs, maybe a cat too. I think between work, my pets and my creative hobbies, I'll have enough on my plate.
If you like animals, this might be a way forward for you aswell. Dogs are amazing companions, always happy to see you and very loyal.