Difficulty coping with negative feelings

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Sunshine76
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25 Feb 2018, 9:31 am

I’m in a relationship with a man who has made references in the past to the idea that he thinks he has Aspergers. I agreed with him once after doing some reading and he got pretty angry. On the surface you’d never see any of the things i see. But loving him let’s me see a side of him that is so hard to deal with. He is rather unemotional. The first time he said I love you he made a point to say that we don’t have to say it all the time. And we don’t. There are lots of things about him that are unusual including a lack of sex drive I’d expect out of a young healthy athlete like him. But the thing that happens over and over is this...when he gets upset he disappears. Sometimes he’ll tell me why and that he needs alone time because he’s an “introvert” and that’s how he copes. Sometimes he’s just distant. But when he’s angry, which I’ve rarely seen he’s totally different. If he’s angry at me he actually usually deals with the issue and we end up even better than we were. But right now he’s angry about his career and someone screwing him financially, having to start his own business possibly. And he has almost disappeared. He says he’s so angry he doesn’t want anything at all and has to completely emotionally disengage to avoid blowing up. And that’s what he’s done. Doesn’t want to see me, hasn’t talked to me in a day. Yet the thought that his behavior could destroy us, according to him, really never occurred to him. It usually doesn’t. He rarely thinks about his bluntness or how his behavior affects anyone. He said he has never once thought we were over during this tough time he’s going through and that he’s not pulling away. And that he’s almost ready for us again. We’re not “on fire” but more on the back burner until he can control his frustration and anger. That was Friday. And the last time we talked. When I saw him he could see how upset i was. Hugged me. Said he was sorry this was hard for me, yet there’s this definite feeling of detachment. I guess I just am trying to understand him. He is different. The way he copes is very unusual. Does anyone have any experience with this type of behavior? I’m really hurting. I don’t want to make things worse but I don’t know how to deal.



kraftiekortie
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25 Feb 2018, 9:52 am

This is a hard one. You love him, yet he doesn’t satisfy you emotionally. His eccentricities cause him to be distant from you. You just want more out of him.

Such frequently is the plight of neurotypical women and Aspie (or Aspie-like) men.

The only solution is to try to lessen the “distant” behavior somehow....by continuing to express your discontent at it. while assert your needs, too. You want happiness and contentment. You deserve it.

This is probably a good time to indulge in your own interests. Be more autonomous. Just don’t consider HIM so much. Consider YOU more.

I feel doing this will make him take you less for granted.



Sunshine76
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25 Feb 2018, 10:26 am

So you agree that this type of behavior is Aspie-like? I’m trying to determine if it’s just the world’s most selfish human being or someone I should have compassion for and try to be understanding of.

I do believe he loves me. Just a few weeks ago we had a blow up where we thought we might have to be done. Long story but it was also centered around his career blowing up. And after hours of talking and him saying it might be over...on his way out the door he said he didn’t know if he could stay away. And then he spent the day crying over the idea of losing me. And then that same week asked me to be his best friend....always. And that he is sure he wants a life with me in it. Both of us feel that intimacy wise, we connect on a level that we’ve never had with anyone else. I guess I can’t understand how a NT person could treat someone that they love so much the way he is. And I can only come back to the idea that he has Aspergers or something.

I’m scared to express how I feel right now. I’m worried it will anger him more and make him walk away. I’m scared to just say nothing because while we’re apart I worry that he will convince himself that life is easier without me because it’s nice and quiet and stress free.

I also wonder if he’s not trying to protect us in the only way he knows how to. I told him to bring his anger to me and vent and he said, “You don’t want to see that side of me.”

I just don’t know what to do during his period of silence. I’m willing to be patient with him if there is a valid reason for his behavior. I just don’t understand it.



kraftiekortie
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25 Feb 2018, 10:34 am

He might be Aspie. He is most certainly a man.

Men tend to have trouble with emotions which women could handle better. Even in this “enlightened” age when gender differences are becoming de-emphasized.

The worst thing you could do is let him take you for granted. Your goose would be cooked, then.

He has to take steps to change a little. Be sympathetic about the loss of his career. Tell him you still need him and love him despite this. This is a big blow to his pride.

But do expect him to see to your emotional needs, too—at least somewhat.



Sunshine76
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25 Feb 2018, 11:08 am

Thanks for your input. I am going to let him know this is hurting me without begging for his attention and tell him I’m thinking about how he’s doing. Don’t know if he’s even checking messages. I haven’t sent one since yesterday. I thought that would make me appear less needy. I don’t want to be taken for granted either. I’m afraid I already have been. I guess it’s time to take care of me and hope he will do the same.



kraftiekortie
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25 Feb 2018, 12:19 pm

It’s the mature thing to do....

I think the main problem is that he’s embarrassed by his reversals and perceived failures.

But he doesn’t want you to know that.