How to Handle Male Attention

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Hey, y'all. (:

Um, I feel weird talking about stuff like this because I worry that it could come across as me bragplaining about the fact that I do get male attention - but that's not my intent, i swear. I could just really use some advice because I know I handle the attention that I do get very, very poorly. Anyway, to the topic:

When I meet men they either seem just politely friendly towards me or they seem visibly nervous to the extent that it makes me uneasy. The in-between opinions and the opinions of more socially adept people are harder for me to read, but based on the ways that I have observed people treating me, i get the impression that the way I look either really, really appeals to a person or they're kinda indifferent about it. If they are attracted, I don't know how to deal with the attention...

There are a few guys on campus that I actually try to avoid because whenever I run into them I can quite obviously see them fidgeting or they give me very kind but excessive compliments. I just feel so uneasy around that... I also try to avoid a certain coffee place on certain days of the week for the same reason. Flattery just makes me uneasy, i guess. I don't know how to deal with it so I just try to avoid them, i guess...

Now, I'm fine at talking with the guys that seem indifferent or just friendly but if I pick up on the fact that someone else is at all interested in me, I tend to shut off and pull back - even if I am also attracted to them and I want to learn more about them. Out of nervousness, I just sorta tone down my friendliness: initiate chats with them less, look down more often... And that, of course, leads to them backing off and us losing touch, not greeting each other anymore when we pass one another - which is kinda the opposite thing that I want to happen, you know? And it's my fault... ):

I might sound insane or something... I feel like my behavior must confuse people - in fact, I know it does, I've been told that I can sometimes be bubbly one minute and bafflingly stone-faced the next. I don't know if it's strange that I feel so uneasy about compliments/obvious interest or if it's normal to feel kind of intimidated/freaked out by men that seem to be so nervous around you. Whatever the case is, I really want to improve and get over my own nervousness - or at least learn to deal with it in a less detrimental way.
Can anybody help me out?

The first thing you need to decide is if you are completely uncomfortable with whichever guy is in question at the time or if you think you could become friends (if unsure I usually try casual conversations first and decide later (within a week or so)). If you're at work/clubs trying talking about stuff related to that. With compliments I usually purposefully let myself sound very curt/quick and eventually tell them I don't like excessive compliments after I get to know them a bit.

I know complements weird me out. If someone tells me that I have a nice shirt, I'd say "I knew there was a reason I wear this thing!" I'm trying to come up with "automated" response mechanism. Manners. As for attention, I'd probably run away.

**comment re-edited**

Jae, I'm a guy and I've often have had the same reaction with women.

I might be reading too much into this - and correct me if I'm wrong - but I think some of the reaction you get during these situations is guys 1.)mirroring your nervousness by, 2.)using it as a chance to approach a pretty girl, and 3.)thinking that you are attracted to them because, in their mind, they might have made you nervous(weak at the knees). All three of these things can make you a puzzle to someone if they can't clearly read what your intentions are, ie: "Is she just shy or actually attracted to me?"

The tension you get when meeting someone can be frightening because you don't know where the interaction will lead. Especially if you are talking to someone who shows signs of attraction, it can lead to friendship, sex, a relationship, or rejection. Often this tension comes off as nervousness and nervousness is sometimes contagious. It might come out through your body language, tonality, or facial expression. So work on getting comfortable with yourself, because how you feel will show through in your body language. A simple way to remind yourself to breath or to get grounded is to ask yourself: "Can I feel my feet/hands"... usually if you are up in your head during these interactions, you are not in the moment, and not grounded/comfortable, and that becomes apparent, quickly! Just stay grounded (in the moment... as in... can you feel your surroundings). Look if you interest him by checking for compliance in his answers. You can also show off non-compliance(via your answers, body language, tonality, vibe, etc.) if you are not interested in him.

Also... please do not worry too much about the end result. If you turn some guy off... by being yourself, he is doing you a favor by filtering himself out of the hookup process because you don't want to waste time with people who wouldn't appreciate the real "You" anyways. You can help this process along by knowing what parts of your Aspie nature is realistically fixable or manageable(be it modeling someone who exhibits good behavior or taking a bootcamp on social dynamics), and what are not so that you choose someone who is compatible with you.

I think it is interesting to hear how a woman feels when a guy approaches her, but a lot of what MarketAndChurch said flew way over my head! I feel like a 9th grader trying to comprehend a quantum physics book.

Jaejoongfangirl, sorry I don't have anything more constructive to say, but thanks for an interesting post.

This topic just reminded me how I accused one guy of bullying me during my first year in college. I found out later that he actually liked me so he just tried to compliment me on various occasions and I was so sure he was mocking me that I honestly hated him
I got a bit better since then. Usually I just try not to register the compliments or attention. I know that some men find me appealing and they like the character I play around other people. I also know that people don't like who I really am (with some exceptions). So if I don't like the attention I'm getting usually all I need to do it just let some of my "freakishness" out unfiltered. That makes them run I also worked out the system on how weird I can appear. If I want a person to stay my friend I let him see just a little bit of my weirdness. If I want them to run... well that's easily done.
Anyway I wouldn't offer anyone else to follow this road. It definitely doesn't help with your self-esteem or self-confidence. Hopefully someone else has a way better advice (not that this was an advice)

If you want men to run, just start talking about yaoi and castration/general methods of literal de-masculinization .

It sounds like you understand the situation but don't happen to be equipped with 'society's one right way' of handling it, whatever that is.

I had the same problem through childhood and early adulthood, lots of women showed attention but the downside - I wasn't like them, anytime I tried to bridge the gap or bring them into sync better with who I was to see if they were still interested it worked out less than stellar, in fact it typically ended up with them feeling scorned and me having a new enemy for a month. Apparently nothing about my personality works when it comes to this arena and the message I received back then was that if someone's interested and if I don't have the personality that they hoped that I had - I just insulted them. I through my hands up after a while, especially when at the restaurant I worked it seemed like there was a new girl that I was going through this with every three weeks to a month. After a bit more time I started to get sick to my stomach the moment they showed interest because, like clockwork, I knew what was coming.

My advice - don't beat yourself up over it too much. If you can figure out new things or gain new insights on how to see it you'll possibly do a bit better. However the real problem may be much less whether you have the right idea, understanding, or intent but rather that you have an exotic nervous system and that does things to your body language or process of living that will throw people for a loop indefinitely. I just get the impression anymore that all we have is to be true to how we're built, we can't change it and where our best efforts are good enough - if you end up 60 owning tons of cats or I end up single at 60 having had no kids and doing whatever the guy equivalent of that would be, I really get the impression that society's too hard headed to give any other way in, just like the things we can't change about ourselves we literally can't - I found out the hard way when I took trying to 'change' myself possibly farther than nearly any other aspies out there ever had - we can change one day, wake up from a good nights sleep and be back at square one, our genes have a way of swallowing/resetting all progress if we deviate too much from their schematic.

At least you guys can recognize when someone likes you... people have to flat out tell me .

techstepgener8tion: Is shogun an anime/manga or band that you like?