No desire to get married

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Fair enough - but I don't understand how you can arrive at the conclusion that marriage is a concept that doesn't work. There's no more basis for you saying marriage is a deeply flawed construct doomed to fail than I can say that every marriage should be saved. IMO, marriage is the product of each partner's choices.

Hmm, interesting, I never "believed" in marriage, not even after getting married which probably sounds absurd

I consider my marriage completely atypical and in a weird way don't associate at all my happy relationship with "marriage" - as others here I associate marriage with power struggles and "familiarity breeds contempt". I don't know how to explain this better - we don't seem to have anything in common with other married couples (and rarely associate with them) - not in the way we relate to each other, not in what we want and expect from each other and I don't think people see us as a "family" in any sense of the word

So to the OP - do as it's best for you and don't pay attention to what others say, you'll be a lot happier

There is a certain woman living by herself in her (small) castle on Victoria Road in Dalkey. You may have heard of her, as she's originally from County Donegal. She's "married" to her career, has many friends and admirers, and says she's very happy. No husband, no children, lots of freedom, and lots of privacy. She paints, she sings, she composes, and she plays piano.

I envy her.

Only, no one said that.

Marriage works well for social control, and for industrial society. I have never seen it make anyone happier or more fulfilled over the long term.

Just out of curiosity, do you think long term relationships of any kind can be successful outside marriage?

I have read stories of successful marriages, and of long-term business partnerships, so I believe it can happen. I don't know what causes so many to fail, nowadays. People probably demand more out of all areas of life than they used to, and end up making too many demands on one person. People also have more information, more free time, and live longer.

I think we need something to provide stability for kids, though, so long as people insist on having kids.

Okay, I apologize if I inferred something you didn't intend. You did say you rejected marriage at the age of 13, and then went on to say you've never seen it make anyone happier or more fulfilled over the long term. Did I miss your point? Words like "reject" and "never" tend to paint a pretty absolute picture of one's opinion on a subject. My take-away from your comments is that you don't endorse the concept of marriage - for reasons other than social control and industrial society.

I think @Sallamandrina put it better than I did:



She and her husband have defined marriage in their own way, and it works very well for them. I know many couples like @Sallamandrina and her husband....so I know that it does work. I don't know another way to express it.

I asked because I used to think relationships change for the worse after marriage, I still see that with most couples.

In an indirect way your train of thought goes along mine - it's possible that my own relationship remains good because we never wanted to settle down, have kids, be a part of the extended family and all the rest

Ah, hopegrows, maybe that's the secret, we should each define and shape marriage to suit our needs instead of going the other way around

To be honest, @Sallamandrina, I don't know any other way it can work. As long as both partners are of like minds (in terms of what they want and need from marriage), and are both committed to meeting each other's needs....what else matters? I think a lot of relationships change for the worse after marriage - but I just don't believe that's due to marriage. I think it's often about people picking the wrong partners, and having unrealistic expectations of marriage - as though it's a magical spell instead of a partnership entered into by two adults. Go figure....

No magic spell, I agree, there are concrete reasons for things turning sour. People seem to associate marriage with a certain way of life and take for granted that they have to do certain things like having children, getting a mortgage or whatever everyone else seems to be doing - maybe they even want to do these things, I don't know. Even if they don't the pressure from their families and other people to behave in a certain way seems to be huge and often crushing (I know how often I was asked what's the point of getting married or even having a partner if I don't want children, just like a lot of people think life can't have any other purpose beside passing on your genes Not to mention all the other "weird" things we did like not having a proper wedding, no religious ceremony, our families not being part of the event followed by years of not doing anything as "we should". Out there this kind of stuff gets you disowned or shunned and how many do you think are willing and able to pay such price without ending up resenting each other?). I don't think most people have any clue who they are and what they want from life or themselves, much less from others - but they seem to think they *have* to do all kind of things. And they follow rules and impulses that I can't understand as from where I'm standing it just looks like they cave in to all sort of influences and end up doing things they don't want without even realising!

So those who have the strength to go against the grain ignoring outside pressure and are also lucky to find someone like-minded will probably succeed in their relationship - with or without marriage. I'm glad you've met more couples like that because TBH I only met 2 or 3.

*Sorry if this doesn't make sense, I'm very sleepy and probably ranting *

I think you hit the nail right on the head: people seem to believe marriage is this inflexible, unyielding thing - like boot camp or a cult or something - and it's not. OP, you may meet someone some day who is okay with building a marriage to suit you....with plenty of alone time and independence. And if that works for both of you, and you are both committed to meeting each others' needs - then that sounds like a successful marriage to me.

People get married for all kinds of reasons. I'm not really sure that the reason for the marriage matters that much.....whether it's true love or an unplanned pregnancy or even an arranged marriage....as long as each partner is committed to stay, truly cares for each other, and is invested in meeting each others' needs - that's the basis for a successful marriage. If marriage is defined by "society," that's okay. Each of us plays a part in defining society. IMO, when we define our own concept of marriage, and live by that concept, we change marriage for everyone just a little bit. Considering that 100 years ago, marriage between people of different faiths, races, socioeconomic levels, etc., was not within society's definition of marriage....is just proof that people do impact the societal definition of marriage. Marriage is what we make it - success or failure - we own it.

I don't think I'll ever get married because I can't get even get a girlfriend.

However I do realize that there are many advantages in being married.

Firstly, married people pay less taxes if they file jointly. Married people can also enjoy the benefit of double incomes. Lets say you earn a high income and your wife also earns the same high income, then you two actually pay less for food and other things.

There are other benefits too, like being able to share your life with someone else, having a helping hand in everything you do and simply not being alone in life.

@OP,

Not weird, not atypical.

And not really anyone else's business. BUT:

In general (probably not with your family, to whom you've given a straight-up "no" already), in answer to the "when are you getting married?" question, it seems women can get by with answering "oh, well, not sure when. Maybe when the time is right" aloud, without voicing the rest, which might go something like:

"which will be approximately 5 quadrillion years after the sun explodes, every surviving member of mankind has learned intrinsically how to face the darkness in the human heart without inflicting it on any, and White Buffalo Woman comes back to kick everybody's ass anyway."