Can't take anymore of this way of living

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Argentina
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21 Jul 2011, 10:44 am

I am married to an Aspie. We have been together 12 years and he was only recently diagnosed. The relationship problems have been there forever.
I am at the point where i don't think i can stand another day of being with him.
He is still bringing up an issue from 6 years ago that should well and truly be over with. (he felt that i did not suppport him when he wanted to play sports on the weekends).
He brings this up constantly as his reason for seeing me as selfish, and abusive.
From my perspective this is just so bizarre. I mean anyone would think i was having an affair. Instead, what I was having was a tough time dealing with 2 demanding young children and a husband with aspergers (that I didn't know had aspergers).
My husband is in denial about this whole aspergers diagnosis. He believes it but has made no attempt to really get to understand it and how I feel. I am lonely, sad, and oppressed (not allowed to express my feelings because he will get angry and verbally abusive). I have tried to explain all this to him by talking calmly, putting it in writing, through counsellors. Yet, ultimately it all comes back to the things I have done wrong towards him in the past eg: not supporting him in his sports.

What more can I do? I have spent years helping him with his mental health issues (depression, anxiety) and eventually getting him the diagnosis he needs. There is no thank you or acknowledgement of my contribution to our relationship. and now i am going through the process of having our son tested. I feel there is little hope to save our marriage.



NUJV
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21 Jul 2011, 10:49 am

Unfortunately, these difficulties are all very much Asperger's-related. Until he accepts and tries to learn about his diagnosis, there isn't really much you can do to sort out these problems. Trust me because I know- I have Asperger's myself and once I accepted that this made me behave in an unreasonable and irrational way within my relationship, I sorted out my own problems and realised that it wasn't my boyfriend that was doing bad things all the time, it was me and my mental state. There is a way of saving your marriage; try to get him to accept that his Asperger's affects his behaviour much more than he thinks.



ashmeister
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21 Jul 2011, 10:59 am

I agree with NUJV here. I myself has Asperger's but unlike your husband, I was diagnosed as a child so I can't exactly help much. But I do know this: Just about every problem you have listed here has everything to do with his condition. The only way this can end is if your husband accepts himself. As for yourself, I suggest you do what you can to get him to accept himself but you yourself must also have the patience to stay by his side. The road to self-acceptance is hard and he'll need all the emotional support he need from his family, including yourself. When I first found out of diagnosis, it took me years to finally fully accept myself. But that's just me. I've heard that other Aspies have accepted themselves pretty quickly. Anyway that's all I can say here. I hope my advice helps.


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AsteroidNap
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21 Jul 2011, 12:59 pm

ashmeister wrote:
I agree with NUJV here. I myself has Asperger's but unlike your husband, I was diagnosed as a child so I can't exactly help much. But I do know this: Just about every problem you have listed here has everything to do with his condition. The only way this can end is if your husband accepts himself. As for yourself, I suggest you do what you can to get him to accept himself but you yourself must also have the patience to stay by his side. The road to self-acceptance is hard and he'll need all the emotional support he need from his family, including yourself. When I first found out of diagnosis, it took me years to finally fully accept myself. But that's just me. I've heard that other Aspies have accepted themselves pretty quickly. Anyway that's all I can say here. I hope my advice helps.


Actually, I'm going to disagree slightly with this advice...her patience should have limits. Aspies shouldn't get special dispensation just because of their condition. If he refuses to acknowledge and grow as a person, then she shouldn't be a martyr to his condition in hopes that someday he will change. His failure to address this issue should have consequences, and perhaps the ultimate consequence of her leaving him for her own well being.



haruka
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21 Jul 2011, 1:11 pm

I agree with AsteroidNap. Yes, your husband has asperger's and he needs support. But you need support too.

If you can make one last stand, as it were, and give him that chance, great. But ultimately you need to take care of yourself and, even more importantly, help your children while they are young so they may be better able to cope when they are adults.

Only you can make the decision, of course.



hartzofspace
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21 Jul 2011, 2:50 pm

AsteroidNap wrote:
ashmeister wrote:
I agree with NUJV here. I myself has Asperger's but unlike your husband, I was diagnosed as a child so I can't exactly help much. But I do know this: Just about every problem you have listed here has everything to do with his condition. The only way this can end is if your husband accepts himself. As for yourself, I suggest you do what you can to get him to accept himself but you yourself must also have the patience to stay by his side. The road to self-acceptance is hard and he'll need all the emotional support he need from his family, including yourself. When I first found out of diagnosis, it took me years to finally fully accept myself. But that's just me. I've heard that other Aspies have accepted themselves pretty quickly. Anyway that's all I can say here. I hope my advice helps.


Actually, I'm going to disagree slightly with this advice...her patience should have limits. Aspies shouldn't get special dispensation just because of their condition. If he refuses to acknowledge and grow as a person, then she shouldn't be a martyr to his condition in hopes that someday he will change. His failure to address this issue should have consequences, and perhaps the ultimate consequence of her leaving him for her own well being.

I agree here, too. Look how much time you have spent in the relationship already, and now you have insight into what was going wrong. He needs to be willing to accept this too, or the marriage will only continue to weaken over time. It's like a boat where there are two people and two oars, but only one person is willing to use an oar.


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simon_says
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21 Jul 2011, 6:36 pm

He will never pick up on any of this unless you say something. Keep it friendly but direct and don't accept anything dismissive of your concerns. Bring it up multiple times and make sure it's clear that this isn't going away.

If he's totally unwilling to recognize your concerns. Well, you have your answer. As an added bonus, there is nothing like leaving to wake people up.



Argentina
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22 Jul 2011, 5:08 am

Thanks everyone. Your comments have been really supportive and validate what I have already been thinking. Some days I get so confused about what is normal and what is not normal that I have to reach out to others to check my facts and way of thinking. That might sound strange coming from someone that is NT, but the dynamics of our relationship is causing confusion for both of us.

Thanks again



hartzofspace
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22 Jul 2011, 12:02 pm

Argentina wrote:
Thanks everyone. Your comments have been really supportive and validate what I have already been thinking. Some days I get so confused about what is normal and what is not normal that I have to reach out to others to check my facts and way of thinking. That might sound strange coming from someone that is NT, but the dynamics of our relationship is causing confusion for both of us.

Thanks again

Asking for validation is good for lots of people. I am glad that you found that here!


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Mammy
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22 Jul 2011, 2:43 pm

Bless your heart. I feel badly for what you're going through. On the other hand, it makes me feel lucky that my man (who I LOVED) just dumped me. I would have spent a lifetime going through what you've dealt with for the past 12 years. My life would have been spent tap-dancing around his moods and yearning for his affection. :( Don't get me wrong; I would have gladly done it-I love him that much-but in the end...I deserve to be loved like I love...fully, completely, affectionately, without reservations. Best of luck to you. I truly hope you are able to find a solution.


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awes
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22 Jul 2011, 3:23 pm

actually this kind of ignorance he comes with hasn't necessarily anything to do with aspergers syndrom.
it rather seems to be a very common thing. even the dissociation from your emotions is more a male characteristic than the one of an aspergian. I know that most people grow oversensitive about a thing if they are confronted with it continuously, but maybe there's more wrong with your relationship than you want to see. but you surely see, and he sees, but he doesn't want to be compassionate about your sorrow so he dissociates. Are you sure you don't just take the easy way out and blame your husbands asperger? it certainly has greater influences on his character, but you fell in love with him just like that. have you been trying to change his idiosyncrasies since then? (I don't critisize it, you just need to think about that to see what's actually the problem) have the problems in earlier times been the same as today or have the problems that you talk about come in the progress of your marriage?
good luck, have a nice life.



meeple
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23 Jul 2011, 5:07 pm

as ann landers used to say, "you have to decide if you're better off with him, or without him."



NerdGeekMom
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24 Jul 2011, 10:29 am

I was married for 13 years when my kids got diagnosed, so I guessed that the same applies to me. I have since left the marriage. I have begin to explore my aspieness, and I do not regret it. I am more in tune with myself than I ever was. I think aspies get very damaged in Nt relationships prior to diagnosis.


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24 Jul 2011, 1:21 pm

meeple wrote:
as ann landers used to say, "you have to decide if you're better off with him, or without him."


That's it in a nutshell. My husband is constantly complaining about and criticizing me and my AS, but every time I ask him if he'd really be that much better off without me, he hems and haws and then stops for the moment. Don't get me wrong, I *do* try (unlike the picture the OP is presenting of her SO) but there are times when I don't succeed at things and I get very depressed and discouraged when I get criticized and even accused of NOT trying. I try *very* hard to understand what my husband wants and to consider it, but sometimes it's an EPIC FAIL when putting it into practice. That's why I'm not going to outright agree with those who are saying to leave. Determine whether he is making an effort or not, because sometimes we do make an effort and it may look like we're not to NTs. It's been one of the most frustrating and depressing things in my life.

~Kate


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24 Jul 2011, 4:44 pm

Argentina wrote:
I am married to an Aspie. We have been together 12 years and he was only recently diagnosed. The relationship problems have been there forever.
I am at the point where i don't think i can stand another day of being with him.
He is still bringing up an issue from 6 years ago that should well and truly be over with. (he felt that i did not suppport him when he wanted to play sports on the weekends).
He brings this up constantly as his reason for seeing me as selfish, and abusive.
From my perspective this is just so bizarre. I mean anyone would think i was having an affair. Instead, what I was having was a tough time dealing with 2 demanding young children and a husband with aspergers (that I didn't know had aspergers).
My husband is in denial about this whole aspergers diagnosis. He believes it but has made no attempt to really get to understand it and how I feel. I am lonely, sad, and oppressed (not allowed to express my feelings because he will get angry and verbally abusive). I have tried to explain all this to him by talking calmly, putting it in writing, through counsellors. Yet, ultimately it all comes back to the things I have done wrong towards him in the past eg: not supporting him in his sports.


If he were a woman he would probably be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder or something like that. Anyway, why would you stay with someone who treats you poorly?