seoulgamer wrote:
I don't really know what to think about it, to be honest. I'm never going to be strutting my stuff as an uber-confident Alpha type, since I'm just not that kind of person, but apparently that's the fundamental key to building any kind of attraction with women.
First off, the Alpha male strut is junk science from the PUA community, itself a weird sort human brain hacking consortium for the awkward penguin types who've decided that p**** is more important than dignity. That's not to say some of it isn't interesting. But, the same could be said for the Unabomber Manifesto, too.
The problem with that whole wannabe Alpha male culture is that it conflates good things (confidence) with bad things (strutting). To my mind, if you need to strut to approach and engage women, you're faking it.
What I would say is try your level best to be the best, most confident version of yourself. Not to delve too deep into stereotypes, but aspies often don't do the best job of presenting their case to the opposite sex. In the extreme cases, you're talking grooming issues and attitude problems. In the more mild cases, it's just a failure to present interest in an obvious way.
The truth is that NTs suffer the same fears we suffer. Make no mistake about it. The fact is they fake it better than we do, but that's just how it broke for you. Faking it requires either a creepy dedication to pretense (strutting) or an intuitive gift for bullshitting.
The best advice I can offer is focus on the easily fixable things.
First, find a personal style that works for you. Style is a fun journey in itself, especially if you have some resources. Just don't buy into someone else's definition of fashion, because you'll look like a ten year old wearing hand-me-downs. This is easier in the year 2011, because being unfashionable is the highest form of fashion, so fire away. And, also, please for the love of god don't think wearing a t-shirt and jeans is a fashion . . . unless you look like Brad Pitt, no it isn't. And even Brad Pitt still looked cooler wearing a vintage motorcycle jacket.
Second, learn to just say hello to everyone. I travel solo almost everywhere. And you would s**t to hear what just saying hello to random people can accomplish. I've drank a lot of free booze in my time thanks to a willingness to say hello to any group of people. And a group of people having fun rarely fails to attract women. I have invites to places all over the world and most came from just saying "hello" (protip: always keep a pen and paper on you to write down phone numbers, emails and Facebook handles).
Don't sweat the strutting. That's just bullshit. It's not about strutting. It's about real confidence. Real confidence means saying hello and seeing where it leads. Real confidence means wearing whatever you wear well. Real confidence is saying what you want to say and knowing that whatever interests you represents the coolest and best you there is.
For someone with AS, what you feel is a weakness can often be a strength. All the odd duck awkwardness of your youth, all the nerdy interests, all the quirks are all things that make you different and interesting. Aspies get beaten down as kids and then they never recover as adults.
What's funny about that is that a confident aspie is often the most interesting person in the room. As a group, we often have a different sense of humor than everyone else. When we're not shrinking from social interactions, we often can carry a conversation a lot longer.
The biggest thing I'd advise is take an interest in humanity. Go say hello. Set aside all those reservations from your awkward childhood.
Go find a place that you find interesting. I love live jazz music. I go where it is and I have a great time every time I do. I like to sneak out for a breather and just chat up whoever is standing around. I like to chat up the musicians on their breaks. And it has to be said, the average single chick in her 20s or 30s who goes to a jazz club has already been pre-screened for awesomeness. Also, she tends to bring several friends with her.
What interests you? What might interest you that you've never tried?
Think about those things and try to build a lifestyle around seeking them out. Explore some stuff that pushes you a bit. You'll find people anywhere you go to try these things. Interact with them. On the nights you don't feel social, hide in a corner and study them interacting (playing Jane Goodall is immense fun in itself).
I hate to see aspies afraid to go out and meet people. Especially the male aspies who worry about meeting the opposite sex. We're not birds. It ain't about her being attracted to you. It's about you going over to her. And even if it doesn't work, you'll be surprised how many cool people you meet along the way.
Go out. Go to places that sort of screen for your interests. Get comfortable being around people. Get comfortable just talking to random people. You'll be surprised how much flows from that.
29 Sep 2011, 12:37 am
