How do I deal with his rudeness?
30 Sep 2011, 11:21 pm
nick007 wrote:
diniesaur wrote:
MountainLaurel wrote:
Quote:
What am I doing wrong.... should I keep telling him when he is downright rude, should I make him apologise everytime - not sure what to do, but fed up of trying to get him to be accountable for his behaviour.
You're in the mother role, here. What did you do when your kids needed to learn accountability?
This just gave me a red flag. My ex tried to parent me too much and told me things like my parents didn't love me. I think my ex may have been a pedophile. This continued for a while, and things ended badly. Make sure you don't try to parent your boyfriend; leave that to his parents and anyone else much older than him. Don't think he needs to be taught what to do by you. If you want, maybe you can find him a social skills group or something, but I think that a dating relationship should not become a parent-child relationship.
+1
Being mothered is a major factor to why lots of Aspie/NT relationships fall apart. The NT resents having the play the parent role & the Aspie gets p!ssed off at feeling he is being treated like a kid
What about two aspies in a relationship? Does that mean we both want to be the kid? I hear on these forums that two people in a relationship with as work, but what happens when you both want to play the kid, but resent the other for playing the kid?
30 Sep 2011, 11:56 pm
LimerenceLicorice wrote:
nick007 wrote:
diniesaur wrote:
MountainLaurel wrote:
Quote:
What am I doing wrong.... should I keep telling him when he is downright rude, should I make him apologise everytime - not sure what to do, but fed up of trying to get him to be accountable for his behaviour.
You're in the mother role, here. What did you do when your kids needed to learn accountability?
This just gave me a red flag. My ex tried to parent me too much and told me things like my parents didn't love me. I think my ex may have been a pedophile. This continued for a while, and things ended badly. Make sure you don't try to parent your boyfriend; leave that to his parents and anyone else much older than him. Don't think he needs to be taught what to do by you. If you want, maybe you can find him a social skills group or something, but I think that a dating relationship should not become a parent-child relationship.
+1
Being mothered is a major factor to why lots of Aspie/NT relationships fall apart. The NT resents having the play the parent role & the Aspie gets p!ssed off at feeling he is being treated like a kid
What about two aspies in a relationship? Does that mean we both want to be the kid? I hear on these forums that two people in a relationship with as work, but what happens when you both want to play the kid, but resent the other for playing the kid?
I'm in an AS/AS relationship & neither of us plays the role of the kid or the role of the parent. We play the role of equal partners
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01 Oct 2011, 9:12 am
Dollie wrote:
Sorry, I know I sound a bit 'moany' ...... but my aspie boyf has just text to say he is not so well, so I phoned him to see what was wrong. He hates talking on the phone with a passion. Wrong move!
We had a minute of talking about painkillers, and then I dared to ask about his day and a few other stuff.... I could tell he was uncomfortable speaking on the phone, but I wanted to hear his voice for a bit longer.
He then mentioned his car was playing up. He has a very large car, which he used to use for his job but no longer does that job anymore and has metioned about getting a smaller car for running around town in. When I said about him possibly changing it, he said
Him "why you talking about me changing my car"
Me "well just making conversation, you have mentioned changing it before"
Him "but you rung to talk about me taking some pills for my pain"
Me "i know but you mentioned your car so asking about it"
Him "I dont understand you, you phone me about pills and then practically ORDER me to change my car"
Me "do you realise how rude you are to me... I don't deserve it"
Him "well you started it........
and so it goes on until I hang up on him.
I am hurt, and waiting for an apology that will never come. He finds it extremely hard to say the word -sorry - he wont apologise for his rudeness, but next time he sees me will have forgotten about the hurt he has caused and will be affronted if I bring it up. He will tell me I am over-sensitive.
A few weeks ago he mislaid his wallet, and he said to me "well it was in the kitchen yesterday, and theres only you and me here so you must have taken it"
I was really hurt and when I went upstairs I found his wallet in his bedside cabinet. When i pointed it out, he refused to apologise and just laughed at my sensitivity.
What am I doing wrong.... should I keep telling him when he is downright rude, should I make him apologise everytime - not sure what to do, but fed up of trying to get him to be accountable for his behaviour. I try really hard to be gentle and kind with him all the time, but it is getting harder.
We were due to see each other tomorrow (we adore each other in the main) but now I dont feel like showing up.
Please advise me - thanks very much
We had a minute of talking about painkillers, and then I dared to ask about his day and a few other stuff.... I could tell he was uncomfortable speaking on the phone, but I wanted to hear his voice for a bit longer.
He then mentioned his car was playing up. He has a very large car, which he used to use for his job but no longer does that job anymore and has metioned about getting a smaller car for running around town in. When I said about him possibly changing it, he said
Him "why you talking about me changing my car"
Me "well just making conversation, you have mentioned changing it before"
Him "but you rung to talk about me taking some pills for my pain"
Me "i know but you mentioned your car so asking about it"
Him "I dont understand you, you phone me about pills and then practically ORDER me to change my car"
Me "do you realise how rude you are to me... I don't deserve it"
Him "well you started it........
and so it goes on until I hang up on him.
I am hurt, and waiting for an apology that will never come. He finds it extremely hard to say the word -sorry - he wont apologise for his rudeness, but next time he sees me will have forgotten about the hurt he has caused and will be affronted if I bring it up. He will tell me I am over-sensitive.
A few weeks ago he mislaid his wallet, and he said to me "well it was in the kitchen yesterday, and theres only you and me here so you must have taken it"
I was really hurt and when I went upstairs I found his wallet in his bedside cabinet. When i pointed it out, he refused to apologise and just laughed at my sensitivity.
What am I doing wrong.... should I keep telling him when he is downright rude, should I make him apologise everytime - not sure what to do, but fed up of trying to get him to be accountable for his behaviour. I try really hard to be gentle and kind with him all the time, but it is getting harder.
We were due to see each other tomorrow (we adore each other in the main) but now I dont feel like showing up.
Please advise me - thanks very much
Well like everyone else is saying in this thread, you knew he hated to talk to the phone but yet you continued to try to make it a longer conversation just because you wanted to hear his voice a little longer, now normally if it was a normal person I would of said that your boyfriend is a right prick and you need to end it if he is going to treat you this way but people with AS/Autism are different, I understand how he feels definitely when he is ill to add to the stress as well, I can talk on the phone but only for short period and only if its to say to someone something quick (like could you get milk as well please? thanks bye or something like that) but any other time I would rather them text me then talk to me, if they tried to engage me in long conversation I would get pissed off and hang up the phone.
For the second part I'm not so sure, for one hand I want to say he is being a right dickhead for speaking that way but on the other hand, he might not realise it, I can't tell when people are upset until they tell me they are or if they are very obvious (like crying as an example) but any other time, I can't tell. It can also depend on his personality as well, maybe laughing and saying your being oversensitive is a way of reaching out to you, to try to make it seem like its nothing to worry about but on the other hand, he might be very cautious about his money, its very rare that an AS/Autistic person cares about money however and I mean very f*****g rare.
The only real way of knowing is to talk to him about, you have to study him as well because we are totally different people altogether and we all have different things unique to each and every one of us, I know its hard and tough for you but if your willing to put in the effort to do this then you won't regret it.
03 Oct 2011, 9:09 pm
Thanks for reminding me why I don't want a GF, their are millions of people who die from easily preventable diseases and your worried about a wallet ?
Anyways you do realise IQ drops every time some one rings some one with aspergers ? I'd say close to 10 IQ points and being like most schmakos barely cracking 3 figures that's %^&*ing terrifying
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