She's Coming Home

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My girlfriend returns from a two-and-a-half week vacation in England this Monday. This is the only time we've been apart for quite so long since we took up with each other 12 years ago, and the first time she's been the one to go out of town since a short trip she made with a friend back when we were pretty new together. I think this has been a much needed break for both of us. However, I'm a little worried.

In the time that my girlfriend's been away, although I've been pretty relaxed because of not needing to consult with her about anything I felt like doing with my time, I've also noticed that certain things have become more apparent. I'm more the way I was during my years alone. The difficulties that have made me believe that I might have Asperger's have become more obvious, at least to me. I feel more stressed in social situations, including the ones I would've been in without her anyway, not just the ones in which we'd usually be there together, helping each other. I've been getting a lot done around the house, thanks to a schedule I've made on a white board, but it's reminding me just how much I need to rely on such things. I've been unable to deal at all with balancing my checkbook, because my mind is full with other things. (No, I'm not in any trouble financially. I've saved up enough by keeping such a strict budget, for such a long time, that the bit of spending I've done lately hasn't been anything like enough to be disastrous. I'm just under a pile of receipts for little things, and I'll need her help to get everything written in and subtracted. It's just a big pain in the hind end, and I feel overwhelmed by it. It's never been anything like this before, because I'm usually so good.) I've been stimming a lot, especially today. I'm beginning to feel more adverse than usual to the idea of any kind of social obligation. I'm more and more aware of feeling awkward, wooden, and childish.

I'm concerned about being too difficult for her to take when she gets home, because of all the things that have gotten worse about me. Although I love her dearly, I'm also afraid of the possibility that I won't be able to handle being with her again, because it means switching gears yet again, in order to go back to accommodating another person. I know this vacation has been very good for her. It's also been good for me, and I think it's been best for our relationship to have it happen. I just can't help being at least as nervous about her coming home as I was about her leaving. Each of those transitions has thrown my IBS into an opposite, painful extreme, I'm on edge, and I'm starting to not feel good about myself.

Does anyone else have any experience with dealing with a partner going away for a couple of weeks or more and then coming back? How do you handle it?

Well I was the partner who went away. We were living together in England but my friend died, then I lost my job, then I got sick and I couldn't cope so I went and stayed with my family for six months. My boyfriend and I have been together four and a half years. When I was back at my Mum's I did feel that I regressed a little. I was alone in my room a lot and I really found my 'unusual' traits that I'd tried to suppress coming back - the rocking, the handclapping and I spent more time on my interests because I could do so without being interrupted. All of those things, combined with my terror of change which meant I had never settled properly in our new town was what made me look again at Aspergers, which had been suggested to me several times over the years.

To answer your question, could you just tell her you have missed her and that you are better when she is there? Explain that while she was away you got a bit muddled and could do with a bit of help to get back on track. Hopefully she will have had a lovely time on holiday and she will just be glad to see you, whatever state you are in. It may be that the moment you see her you will start to transition back to the way you were before she left. If not, take a few days and go slow until you get used to things again.

I love my boyfriend very, very much, and I'm sure you feel the same about your girlfriend. But there is nothing wrong with admitting that sharing our lives with other people is a big effort and sometimes it is difficult and tiring. I think to a lesser degree this must be the same for NTs too. Don't feel bad about yourself, you have no reason to do so.

SilkySifaka, your post has made me feel a lot better this morning. Thank you. I'm going to take your advice, including the part about trying not to feel bad about myself. There's an up side and a down side to finding out if I have Asperger's, as I'm sure you recall from your own experience, and it's been hard to try to process my feelings on my own these past couple of weeks. It's all the more difficult at the end of a day, when I'm tired; especially if my fibromyalgia is kicking my butt.

My girlfriend is good with numbers. She's helped me when I've had minor trouble before, and she's never seemed to mind. It's just that there are so many more receipts this time, because, when I'm on my own, I tend to make more little, frequent trips to the store, instead of larger ones that take care of things all at once. The house looks so good right now that she won't feel as though things are hanging over her in that way, so maybe this will be all right. I'll bring it up in just the way you suggested.

Thanks again for the advice and reassurance. That really helped!

I glad that helped I hope she is back now and everything is OK.

I find this post interesting, because I feel validated in my own situation. My fiance and I live together, but I am always so glad when he goes to work and I get the whole day to be by myself! I always have to go through a mini adjustment on a daily basis, too. Fortunately our house is made in such a way that I have a room that I use for an "office" at one end of the house, and he has his own office at the other end. We can spend hours in our respective caves without overwhelming each other. I can imagine what a major adjustment it would be if one of us went on a vacation like your SO did!

Please let your girlfriend know that you are having to adjust, if she wonders if anything is wrong. It's like we have programs for people that we interact with, and when we don't use them for awhile we get rusty.

So far, things seem to be okay. She was very tired when she got home, but I made sure she knew she didn't have to do much of anything this whole week, while she unpacks her stuff and goes back to work. I'm using my new schedule, so I can take care of most of the chores until she's ready to have a look at things. I think she likes this. It lets her relax before getting back into things.

I did explain about how I was feeling, and she says that, other than noticing that it's harder for me to sit still, I seem pretty much the same as before. I think that means nothing I'm doing is bothering her or seeming any weirder than before.

I went out last night, and she had the house to herself for the evening. That seemed to be really good for both of us. I think we're both readjusting okay.

She got some of her unattended stuff, such as paying the bills, out of the way this morning. I've told her about the receipts and the checkbook, and she's apparently unintimidated by the prospect of dealing with it. A lot of it is already in chronological order, and I'll just make sure to organize the rest before she gets started. That should make it easier for her to help me. I want her to have to do as little as possible, so I'm going to do everything I can to do my part.

Before she left, I told her I needed to make a schedule that would list the chores of the week on a white board, so that we could get everything done. While she was gone, I let her know I was listing her stuff on the days she'd already picked for the list she was keeping for herself. She was okay with all this. It worked really well for me while she was gone, and I updated her on my progress from time to time. Now that she's back, she's already done a chore of her own, on her own initiative. By my request, she's put her initial on the chore chart I made, to indicate that it's out of the way for the week. I figure this is an easy way to introduce her to the use of the schedule - simple and harmless. It's a good beginning. Time will tell how things will work out over the long haul.

BTW, hartzofspace, I'm glad this thread has been a good one for you.

It sounds like things are working out splendidly for you both! I'm glad!

I like the idea of the chore schedule. I've joked about putting a star chart on the fridge (like the kind they use to teach kids how to behave) but my boyfriend is not a schedule sort of person. He doesn't even take a list to the supermarket!

I'm glad things are going well for you.