I'm not asexual but keep backing away from relationships

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Joe90
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15 Jul 2012, 9:09 am

I have got depression, and I am making an appointment to see the doctor, but at the moment I've found something else is worrying me.

I've always wanted a boyfriend, and would feel really good if I was seen with a boyfriend, but in the last year or so I have got asked out by a couple of nice guys (which surprised me because I always thought I looked shy and unsociable or weird), and I gave the first one a go but found I didn't really want him, even though I thought I fancied him at first. Then a couple of weeks ago I got asked out by a guy of my age on the bus, and I got his number and everything and he seems sweet, but now I've started to panic again as though I don't really want a boyfriend, but at the same time I do want a boyfriend.

I find myself backing away from opportunities of a relationship, but, being a person with extreme low self-esteem, I would have thought men liking me would help with my self-esteem and would make me feel more enthusiastic with having a boyfriend. But when I do back away, I then go back to feeling isolated and lonely, knowing all my mates have boyfriends but me, but when I do have one I panic and feel like I can't have my freedom.

I was just wondering if this is partly because I have a serious crush on my bus-driver, I have seen a lot of guys but really he is the most handsome guy I have ever seen and I'd love to give him a go at least, just to see what he's like on the inside, but I haven't got the confidence to just ask him out. I don't think many people think he's very appealing but, by Christ, I do.
He's a bit older than me and I'm not sure if he's married or not, but I really love him and absolutely love talking to him and love everything about him that I know of so far, but I'm starting to wonder if he did ever ask me out will I suddenly back away even from him, the man of my dreams? 8O

Does anyone else here feel like this?


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Aharon
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15 Jul 2012, 9:41 am

Perhaps you feel concerned of failure or rejection. I think that's a typical symptom of low self esteem. Or maybe you are unsure if you are ready for the complexities involved in a romantic relationship, and simply need more time. I'd strongly suggest learning to like yourself before getting involve with someone. Looking for someone to make you feel good about yourself is the best recipe for ending up miserable. What ever you decide to do, go slow, be honest about your needs, and remember that nervous is normal. Good luck!


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15 Jul 2012, 10:36 am

I know about lacking freedom, that's how I felt with a girlfriend. I think if you find someone you really love then it won't feel like you are being smothered and need to talk to them. You'll want to talk to them. Which sounds like what you have with the bus driver. It sounds like you love him.

You can flirt a bit more with the bus driver and ask if he's married in a subvert way. Like try to bring up jewelry and ask why he doesn't wear a wedding ring and act all surprised if he isn't married (because he's such a catch :wink: ). Then he'll know you are interested, but you don't have to ask him out directly. If he still doesn't ask you out, you can ask what he's doing Friday night/weekend and say you aren't doing anything, which gives him an opening. Or you can ask him out directly, that just takes more nerves, and it might sour your friendship if he refuses.



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15 Jul 2012, 12:51 pm

I'm not asexual but keep backing away from fire.
14,299 times burned, twice shy.

Love and dating is drama & trauma even for NTs.
For us it looks like a hot bath with a sharp razorblade. Cozy and suicidal.
Scaaaaaary.

Short Version: We're burnt.
It's always going to be completely awful.

Dating looks so completely dangerous to some part of our mind that we'd have to be partially suicidal just to participate.
Be glad you're not a guy, then you'd have to be actively suicidal. ; )


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outofplace
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15 Jul 2012, 3:00 pm

@Joe90: I am a guy and I feel the same way you do. I think it is a fear of not knowing what to do or how to act in the situation that drives me to be that way. I once recall having a conversation with a friend's girlfriend , years before I suspected myself of having aspergers. In it I said that I basically didn't understand the "procedures and protocols" in dating. She snapped back at me that it isn't about that. When I asked for clarification, she couldn't give me anything concrete but basically said you do what feel natural. Maybe that's the problem then. In friendships, I have little trouble because there is no expectation of intimate emotional and physical reciprocity. Add in love and sex though, two things I have no practical experience in, and I want to run away because of my fears of making mistakes and being rejected over some small detail I omitted that offended the other party. Perhaps it is the same for you.


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PastFixations
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15 Jul 2012, 4:27 pm

It's mainly a fear of what ifs occuring... from my view.
Is it a deep underlining thing or is it the fear of the unknown (not knowing if it's going to last or whether it's all a front and they turn out rotten.)?
A relationship is really based on one thing... you only get what you give. Yeah okay there's trust and that but it's a two way process.
I personally think you need to establish your problems... you mentioned that it started when you were diagnosed so maybe you should seek therapy for that reason alone.


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Joe90
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15 Jul 2012, 5:08 pm

I'm quite good at talking to men, I think talking to men is easier for women than for men to talk to women. Maybe I'm still immature and not ready for a relationship, and still rather just hang out with friends and flirt around with men without feeling guilty. Well, I do know a few women who have said that they didn't meet their true love until they were in their mid-20s, and they also said to me that if I'm not bothered about having children then there is no hurry to find a man, settle down, get married and have kids. Well, it's not the fact that I choose not to have children, it's just that I daren't have children because of the worry of my AS being passed down to them, it's OK if you have learnt to embrace the AS but if you can't stop letting it put you to shame then I guess the sensible thing to do is to not bring children into the world who are at risk of having it too. But anyway, that's besides the point. I used to get really jealous of people who have girl/boyfriends, but now I should really just think, ''ah well, at least I'm free and I will find the right one when he comes along.''

I would be so happy if this bus-driver asked me out, there is just something about him that I really love. He is big, he is dark, he has a full-time job, he can drive (obviously), and he is just so.......ohh yeaaah (sorry about that). I do prefer a man who is taller and fatter than me, is dark not so much blonde, works, and drives, and most men who have asked me out in the past all seem to be smaller than me (and I am small myself!), and is unemployed or can't drive (I know that can't be helped but it's just me being fussy). A man who owns a car does turn me on.


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15 Jul 2012, 5:33 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I have got depression, and I am making an appointment to see the doctor, but at the moment I've found something else is worrying me.

I've always wanted a boyfriend, and would feel really good if I was seen with a boyfriend, but in the last year or so I have got asked out by a couple of nice guys (which surprised me because I always thought I looked shy and unsociable or weird), and I gave the first one a go but found I didn't really want him, even though I thought I fancied him at first. Then a couple of weeks ago I got asked out by a guy of my age on the bus, and I got his number and everything and he seems sweet, but now I've started to panic again as though I don't really want a boyfriend, but at the same time I do want a boyfriend.

I find myself backing away from opportunities of a relationship, but, being a person with extreme low self-esteem, I would have thought men liking me would help with my self-esteem and would make me feel more enthusiastic with having a boyfriend. But when I do back away, I then go back to feeling isolated and lonely, knowing all my mates have boyfriends but me, but when I do have one I panic and feel like I can't have my freedom.

I was just wondering if this is partly because I have a serious crush on my bus-driver, I have seen a lot of guys but really he is the most handsome guy I have ever seen and I'd love to give him a go at least, just to see what he's like on the inside, but I haven't got the confidence to just ask him out. I don't think many people think he's very appealing but, by Christ, I do.
He's a bit older than me and I'm not sure if he's married or not, but I really love him and absolutely love talking to him and love everything about him that I know of so far, but I'm starting to wonder if he did ever ask me out will I suddenly back away even from him, the man of my dreams? 8O

Does anyone else here feel like this?


Yes ... always have done ... but the reasons why have changed over time.

I used to be afraid of being rejected, screwing up, stuff like that. Even when I was given a green light, I just panicked.

Due to experience, it's changed. Now I panic at the loss of independance (you say freedom, but I think you could mean independance - do you?). I never really used to understand why people worried about it. Independance? Who cares as long as your needs are fulfilled? That's what I used to think.

Now I'm quite different. I know what it is to lose almost all of your independance. It can happen even when the other person is only mildly controlling. Partly that's because of my situation and habits. For example: I rarely leave the house, except to go to work. So when I do, it's a Thing, and I get asked and have to explain where I'm going and what I'm doing, because it's a deviation from my pattern. Such that even something as simple as a trip to the library is remarkable enough, that I have to explain it.

I don't know as the idea of a new relationship scares me per se, but the idea of living together, certainly does.

Re the bus driver. If you're waiting for him, you could be waiting a long time. People often forget that a guy on the job faces a high level of risk approaching female customers. I would never do it, no matter how interested the woman seemed to be. It's not just rejection that is at stake, because it's a workplace. If a passenger was offended he could face reprimands or lose his job, and he doesn't have to be blatant at all for that to happen, he could be very polite and casual and still have that happen.



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15 Jul 2012, 6:20 pm

Have to agree with edgewaters there regarding the bus driver... there is a risk of his job and everything he's earned.
No disrespect to you of course but sometimes you do have to view this from the other perspective sometimes... I'm not saying you should sell yourself short and lower the standards but you do have to have that perspective.
When a person has a job, it's their line of duty to fulfill their tasks. Distractions will not work like how you said when you need to focus, you can't be distracted. Same applies there... sorry to say. :(


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Joe90
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16 Jul 2012, 3:26 am

I heard of people dating their bus-drivers before.


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16 Jul 2012, 3:30 am

Joe90 wrote:
I heard of people dating their bus-drivers before.


Certainly, but in those cases the person probably approached the driver, they ran into each other while he or she wasn't working, the driver didn't care about being fired, or there was a gradual build-up to it such that the driver was pretty sure they were not going to be offended and complain of harassment by a driver to the transit service, if he asked them out.



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16 Jul 2012, 9:20 am

I think that when you become very used to something (being single) the idea of change can be scary.

In my opinion, just do it. If you find them attractive and nice, don't over think. Just go out.



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16 Jul 2012, 10:28 am

My guess is that the behavior of drawing away from anyone who is attracted to you is common to a segment of people with Aspergers. It is something that I have done all my adult life and clearly there are others here who recognize your behavior. This is a subject I have brought up before on these forums and some, but not all, people here seem to recognize the habit in themselves.

There have been a number of times when I have been attracted to a woman who then expressed some attraction toward me. My reaction has always been to start finding all the reasons why she wasn't as appealing as I first thought. After a while, this reaction became so obvious to me that I realized that it wasn't fair to the women I tried to date. While there have been a number of women in my life who clearly would have dated me if they could, I backed away from every opportunity. Maybe it's just that at my age, I am less interested in an intimate relationship, but a few years ago I just decided it was better not to fall in love anymore. Luckily it seems to be working.

I agree with outofplace about being reluctant to get into a situation where we might be expected to behave in a way which we have no experience or instinct. Frankly, if I try to imagine an intimate situation with a woman, I can't guess what might be expected of me. I suspect if I constantly asked her what I was supposed to do next, it might kind of kill the mood. :D

There is also the fear of having to give up one's own interests in order to have companionship. I have always feared that I could not be myself and still be attractive to a woman. Clearly this isn't true as there have been many women who were not entirely subtle about how the felt toward me and i have to assume they saw something about me that was appealing.

How much this feeling comes from growing up with frequent rejection by peers because we are so awkward or how much it comes from some mis-wiring in the brain, I don't know. Maybe it's just the result of low self esteem. Perhaps it's like the Groucho Marx line "I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member."

I will say that when I came to understand that much of my trouble with relationships was all my own doing, I stopped being so upset about it. I guess when I realized that it was all my own choices, even though I didn't think it was ideal, I felt I could at least live with it.


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Joe90
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17 Jul 2012, 11:16 am

I think I know what the problem is with me. I think I prefer to know the person first before dating him. Like the bus-driver I like has been on my bus for over 2 years now and I've spoken to him lots of times and he knows who I am and I know who he is, probably if he had asked me out when I first saw him I probably would've backed away in the beginning.

A guy who asked me out last week is nice and everything, but I think it's all a bit soon. I've only ever seen him twice and have never even had a conversation with him, not even small talk, it's just all been about him asking me if I wanted to date him. I thought I'd give it a go but felt so panicky afterwards, as though I suddenly felt trapped because I was starting a relationship with somebody I didn't even know. He's been texting things like ''I love you baby'' and there are two things wrong with that: how can you love somebody straight away if you don't really know them, and I don't like the idea of being called ''baby''. I at least like ''sweetheart'' or ''love'' or even ''girl''. I find some men get a bit soppy, and I can't be doing with it. I was thinking of perhaps asking him if we could meet up a few times first before actually starting any form of a relationship, just to get to know eachother a bit first. But even then I'm not sure if I can be bothered with it, since he seems a bit desperate.


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17 Jul 2012, 5:55 pm

I guess saying that trying to be upfront to him doesn't really work... you said that it's hard to talk to someone as it is only been a short while.
Part of me does think that he's... well yes rash and not only that but possibly not going to be the type of person you need... then again it is early and could easily be wrong.


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