Female single perspective

Page 3 of 6 [ 78 posts ] Go to page Previous 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 Next

Previous topic | Next topic

Withdrawal
Raven
Raven

Joined: 20 Oct 2012
Age:30
Posts: 110

21 Oct 2012, 9:11 am

again_with_this wrote:

Withdrawal wrote:

It is extremely lonely being a single woman...I want a relationship. And not just to agree to settle for someone because they can’t get any other girl. People in real, adult relationships fall in love. Or at the very least they form a comfortable companionship with someone who shares their worldview....

People don’t fall in love because of looks/money/flirting skills. There’s an intangible reason that makes some people click and others not. You can’t make yourself fall in love or make someone fall in love with you.

I don’t understand why I never click with anyone

I think there are several problems.

First, it seems as if you think you have to fall in love before starting a relationship. I don't believe that's the case. There needs to be some initial attraction or interest, but the way you write about it, it sounds like you think you need to be in love before even agreeing to see someone. If that was the case, there'd be no need for dating/courtship in the first place.

Second, looks/money/flirting skills are often what begin relationships...the falling in love happens during the course of said relationship, not before. "Clicking" with someone means having that interest, that attraction, that potential. It doesn't mean falling in love before even saying hello.

Third, you aren't even willing to give desperate guys a chance, seeing as you feel both of you would be "settling," which is a bit self-righteous and hypocritical of you given your own predicament.

And fourth, the Cinderella fairytale is bullshit. Maybe you still believe it and you're using a fictional ideal as an excuse not to date.

So, no, I can't feel sorry for you. It seems as if you've chosen your lot in life, whereas most of the guys here complaining haven't chosen theirs. And if you can't see that, then that's also part of the problem.

This was a horrible reply for you to write. You make a lot of wrong assumptions. I have given guys chances - I have tried dating guys in the hope that we will grow to like each other. It means having to fake the motions of a relationship - pretending I am looking forward to seeing someone when I'm not, pretending to enjoy someone's company when I don't. Or I am dating someone who, for example, turns out to have racist or homophobic opinions, and I feel like am selling myself out because I am pretending to like him in order to give him a chance. You don't have to fall in love right away, I never said that. But if you find someone physically repulsive, find their opinions offensive, or just feel bored and uneasy in their presence - it can be clear very early on that you're never going to bond.

Why would you assume I've never given anyone a chance? You said you can't feel sorry for me. I haven't chosen anything. No one in the world would chose to have the life I have, and I don't just mean being alone. Clearly you have no idea of the pain I am in. If you can't get a girlfriend, I am not surprised. You don't deserve one.

Withdrawal
Raven
Raven

Joined: 20 Oct 2012
Age:30
Posts: 110

21 Oct 2012, 9:13 am

Kjas wrote:

You're not the only one, not by a long shot.

I have said previously that being offered sex is nowhere near a genuine offer for a relationship.
Being used because you have a hole in the right place (sorry to put it crudely) is completely and utterly different than somebody who actually wants to be with you because of who you are.
Just like a girl using a guy for money is meaningless - the two are comparable - most guys here would not put up with that despite their complaints - and if they would then they would simply use a golddigger or a hooker (not intended to invalidate, simply logical).

I do get hit on and offered sex when I go out to particpate in my interest.

On the occasion, I have someone offer a relationship - but they have no real idea of what they mean. They want the *idea* of what they think a relationship would be with me... which is something that does not exist, not me as a person.
They do not realise how a woman with AS thinks and get angry or disappointed when they discover that you are not NT and do not act like one - or that you are incapable of basic things that they consider a woman "should" do or be. Even when you have never hid it from them, they get over it eventually and blame you for it.

Only once have I had someone offer a relationship and truly mean it because of the person that I was.

I should note that dating for me is simply the stage of getting to know someone.
A relationship would be an agreement between both parties to be exclusive, for reasons that were mutually agreed upon.

It's interesting that you said that you never "click" with anyone, yet you realise what you are lacking - I can certainly relate to that. I felt the same way for many years, although I do not get lonely, mostly because I have an inability to feel lonely. But it doesn't stop the feeling that I am "missing" something, even if I can't put my finger on what it is - there just seems to be space there instead. But certainly the feeling of not belonging can be difficult, especially if you do not have family or friends or someone else that you feel you "belong" to - which I expect makes your situation perhaps more lonely than it would otherwise be.

The invalidation that oes on in this sub-forum towards women is indictative of many things - but because of that attitude that is prevelvant on here that you mentioned, most women do not post about their romantic issues or questions here because those who know this sub-forum, know that much of what will be posted in response - even most of it - will be invalidating and not helpful at all.

Be warned that it will probably happen on this thread too - some people are not going to respect your wishes or the purpose of this thread and wll simply use it to further their own agenda.

Thanks for the warning. And thanks - to you and the others - who have understood me. I was trying to open up the forum to a new perspective, and to encourage other people who feel this way to be able to have a place to express it. It's a shame it doesn't seem this forum will allow that.

Withdrawal
Raven
Raven

Joined: 20 Oct 2012
Age:30
Posts: 110

21 Oct 2012, 9:27 am

J-Greens wrote:

To be honest, I don't think a female input in the love & dating sub-forum would be helpful.
I've already seen one post, with the whole "What you need to do is get into the mindset of improving yourself to meet the standards of the women" attitude.

And the worst part is this:

Withdrawal wrote:

For one thing, if a stranger hits on you, he’s not saying you’re special – it’s understood he’ll move onto the next person of the right age/gender if you say no, with no regrets for you. Even if a guy who only vaguely knows you asks you out, if it’s obvious he’s only doing this because he wants a girlfriend for his own status/self esteem, and not because he’s genuinely picked you out above others, wants you to be a priority person in his life and he to be your priority, wants to make you happy – if it’s obvious he’s just desperate and thinks you’re in his league when he knows and cares nothing about the real you, then it’s clear the “relationship” will be a charade. A joke of a real relationship.
noticed.

Which is quite honestly, the biggest load of bullshit I've ever read. Clearly, we men can't do right from wrong.

If we ask you out for a date, that's a lie, because clearly we just want sex.
If we're a workmate, or friends and we ask you for a date, that's a lie because clearly we're all narcissists who want sex.
If we're a bit run-down and you look like the type that won't humiliate us for even trying, then it's clearly a complete charade
So when can we ask for a date? And yet you still have the power to choose, but complain no-one's available.

I said "if it's obvious" that he doesn't really like you. If a guy finds one particular girl special, attractive, likes her genuninely for who she is, then it would be wonderful for him to ask her out. Or a girl can ask a guy out. I said it's not flattering IF it's obvious he's only interested in securing a girlfriend. If he's not concerned with with bringing about a happy relationship, if he's clearly just thinking that if he can make her say "yes" then he can tick the box of not being a virgin anymore. That's depressing when you're looking for a real relationship and hoping you may actually find someone who likes you, not just wants to use you for their own ends.

There are different reasons for why someone asks another person out, and why they pick one person not another. These reasons effect whether it is a flattering action or a selfish one.

Oh, and I have asked a guy out before now. I didn't want to wait around and maybe miss out; I don't assume the men have to do the asking. And I have been rejected.

rosemund
Snowy Owl

Joined: 14 Mar 2012
Age:38
Posts: 125
Location: South East Texas

21 Oct 2012, 10:30 am

Kjas wrote:

We do need more women actively participating here in a mature and respectful manner so that others will do so. But at the same time - if there are only one or two doing so it will get tiring.
And if there is no change in others attitudes as a result, then it will simply go back to the way it was.

I've tried being mature and respectful on this forum, sharing my experiences in hopes of helping other people. The result has basically been an en masse swarm of boys, ones half my age, acting like they think women have created some form of coalition, with the agenda of denying them love and/or sex and/or relationships. I was going to attempt to post feeling items in the women's discussion section, but they just end up over there with the same talking points. Hello, we've all been kicked in the teeth by relationships and love. So at this point, I can't think of a legitimate reason to discuss these matters, when I know the responses are not going to be in the least way beneficial to anyone.

spongy
Forum Moderator

Joined: 17 Jul 2010
Age:24
Posts: 8,180
Location: Patiently waiting for the seventh wave

21 Oct 2012, 12:02 pm

Just yesterday I was at a free event where most people where proffesionals just giving out advice and helping amateurs for free all day(11 AM / 8PM) they had come from another city and you could approach anyone to talk about whatever doubts you had.

Before the event started they were having coffee and I approached one of the foreigners to ask him how on earth they got so many professionals to join them.
His reply was very simple:
-You see we had one or two but we started talking to them and asking exactly what they were expecting from this meetings. Once we cleared that we made sure we covered it and they invited their friends along.

At the end of the day it was just me and one of the specialists so I asked her what made her come to this events. Her reply was that the job itself is pretty boring and this talking, getting to know other people... was done in a way that everyone was comfortable so this wasnt work for her.

How does this story relate to this particular board? The first reply I got is still applicable.
A lot of the times Im seeing people reading very much into the posts of someone of the opposite gender to make them say what they want to say("all men/women are x") but its quite rare to see someone trying to listen to the other side instead of arguing.
Its very interesting and it makes me wonder what are the reasons some members have for being here.
Not trying to drive anyone away but you see threads where OP isnt looking for advice... and it makes you wonder.

Kjas
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 26 Feb 2012
Age:25
Posts: 6,174
Location: the place I'm from doesn't exist anymore

21 Oct 2012, 3:13 pm

And those of us who did listen to both sides get called every name under the sun by both sides instead of just one. :lol:
(I take your point though Spongy - and I agree with some of it)

rosemund wrote:

I have experienced the same thing - and I know it is only because I am a girl. That is why I said if nothing changes, it does get tiring.
I noted long ago that we have so few women posting about dating and relationships and I think it's a shame, because women are often expected to know exactly what they are doing in that department, but if you're aspie obviously you don't have that ability, and yet it's not even really being dsicussed either here or in the Women's Discussion.

J-Greens wrote:

This is a SCENARIO that I would appreciate FEMALE REPLIES ONLY, please, and yes this is real and has happened:

Mid-twenties Guy, average day at work, new colleagues first proper shift.

An African guy in thirties and a youngish girl (Because I can't tell girls ages between 16 and 30, so anywhere in between, but above 18 because of the job) is starting. She's attractive, smiling and friendly. Should I ask her out?

The day continues, without an approach and by chance the girl & I end up working as a double up crew at a job, naturally we're professional during the job, but casually chatting along being friendly, we both have pets, we both like the same bands and I feel like there's a natural connection between us. Should I ask her out?

Couple of weeks later, still no approach, we're working together on a double up again, she's chatting about her ex-boyfriend (Who she never mentioned before) is trying to get back with her, despite a difficult past with him. I advise that she needs to speak to him and make up her mind what she wants. She clearly says she doesn't want anything to do with him. Should I ask her out?

Month or so later, still no approach, she's back with ex-boyfriend and complaining all the time about how he's back in his bad old habits, but it's her birthday and she's going out on town with her mates, invites me and others from work to join in. I go along, her friends get hammered. I help out throughout the night, holding bags, lending my coat, getting water etc..end of night, girl & boyfriend both worse of wear fall out over his bad habits again. Next day we're on shift together. Should I ask her out?

By the third event, me and this girl are friends and during each shift chatted enough to know family life, education, hobbies, preferences and generally enjoy working together. At what point should I have asked her out?

Because funnily enough, I never did - always regretted it - and now she's with a new guy and pregnant, except new guy number 3 is actually treating her right and thus I won't intervene with how I felt since day one.

Personally - If I were you I would have asked her out the first time. If you want to get to know someone, then just take the chance.
Working together is all well and good, but like you have noted, it doesn't give you the same opportunities that asking her out would have - it also means that she is more comfortable with you and the longer you work together without making a move, the more she assumes you are not interested and would be more surprised the later you were to leave it.

The fact that you still regret it now probably means you would have been better off simply asking her for coffee at the end of your work day and then if you both enjoyed yourselves, asking to see her again another time to get to know each other better, and exchange numbers. That's a situation that allows you to ask her out, but in a very low pressure way that is non-threatening - and if she has already spend a short amount of time around you outside work and enjoyed it (e.g. the coffee), she is more likely to say yes to a date.

_________________
Diagnostic Tools and Resources for Women with AS: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt211004.html

Last edited by Kjas on 21 Oct 2012, 3:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

smudge
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 Sep 2006
Age:27
Posts: 4,092
Location: London

21 Oct 2012, 3:20 pm

MXH wrote:

i agree, but the likelyhood of it working out is low. I think if women were more open around here and posted more of their side of things the men around here would learn a lot.

I've been chastised on here in the past for being very honest and open, and those people have *never* apologised to me. Not that I'm implying you were one of them.

It just isn't worth putting my POV on here because the majority prefer to blame and shame rather than look into themselves.

Last edited by smudge on 21 Oct 2012, 3:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MXH
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 28 Jul 2010
Age:24
Posts: 13,071
Location: Here i stand and face the rain

21 Oct 2012, 3:22 pm

smudge wrote:

MXH wrote:

i agree, but the likelyhood of it working out is low. I think if women were more open around here and posted more of their side of things the men around here would learn a lot.

if its only one person doing the talking nothing is going to change. Its something women as a collective have to work to change. Sadly change is not handed out simply because one complains.

Stalk
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 19 Jul 2012
Age:36
Posts: 2,119

21 Oct 2012, 3:40 pm

This Love and Dating section made me think of this clip from Jay and Silent bob

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tsXKAtpLm4I[/youtube]

DialAForAwesome
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Oct 2011
Age:26
Posts: 1,189
Location: That place with the thing

21 Oct 2012, 4:58 pm

Seek out the guys who don't want just sex all the time. Lord knows most of those guys are single.

_________________
I don't trust anyone because I'm cynical.
I'm cynical because I don't trust anyone.

blueroses
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Age:32
Posts: 1,999
Location: Lancaster, PA

21 Oct 2012, 5:21 pm

smudge wrote:

It just isn't worth putting my POV on here because the majority prefer to blame and shame rather than look into themselves.

I feel that way, too, sometimes. I try to remember that some of the conflict on this forum can probably be chalked up to theory of mind issues, but that still doesn't make me want to open myself up to feeling attacked or criticized just for sharing my perspective.

J-Greens
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 19 Oct 2011
Age:27
Posts: 669

21 Oct 2012, 5:29 pm

Kjas wrote:

Here's the thing though:
I felt like I wanted to ask her out on the first opportunity, but it's her first day - didn't want to pressure her, or come off as too-fast-too-needy type, or upset her into a uncomfortable workplace. Almost every workplace romance I have ever read rarely turns out well. Then there's all the female-led "advice" on whether or not to ask out, and almost every single one said that it should be avoided - creeps and pressure and all that. So I follow the general rule of advice that girls & women write up and end up with another regret and no relationship.

The part that is most frustrating, was that I advised her to go and speak with the ex-boyfriend to clear the air and thus start fresh, which was when I was going to ask her out, she goes with all the "I'm over him" and then goes back to him for the next nine months, regretting it.

The part I didn't add in - was that the ex-boyfriend just so happened to be, my best mate's younger brother...

Kjas
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 26 Feb 2012
Age:25
Posts: 6,174
Location: the place I'm from doesn't exist anymore

21 Oct 2012, 11:42 pm

Well personal ties to said ex boyfriend change the situation dramatically.

I think you misunderstood... asking someone for coffee after work (or a class) is not even really a date, i'ts more like chill out time after work to get have a chance to get to know someone on a more personal rather than professional level and it's not pressuring someone. It's more to see if you are interested in each other, simply a way to get an indication of interest or not, without the pressure of actually having to go on a date first to get that initial indicator of interest.

If you were to ask her out immediately on a date... well yes that would be a lot of pressure and I can see why others would be advising against that.

blueroses wrote:

smudge wrote:

It just isn't worth putting my POV on here because the majority prefer to blame and shame rather than look into themselves.

The lack of personal responsiblity certainly makes my head hurt at times. The one thing I do realise is that those who are attacking, criticizing or blaming often do the exact same thing to the guys who advocate for personal responsiblity also.

_________________
Diagnostic Tools and Resources for Women with AS: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt211004.html

Withdrawal
Raven
Raven

Joined: 20 Oct 2012
Age:30
Posts: 110

22 Oct 2012, 4:41 am

Well this thread has certainly shown me that the problem with some of the members' love lives here is definitely not that they are "nice guys." If you're response to hearing that someone - a single woman at that! - is hurting is to insult and criticise, then being nice is surely not your problem.

Suggestions: rather than making assumptions, you can ask for clarification first. And moreover, if you don't relate to another person's problem, you can always try to offer sympathy anyway, or refrain from saying anything, or ask for elaboration to help you understand why they are hurting. You do not have to go out of your way to hurt someone more.

If someone is a typcial bad boy, at least girls know what they're getting. At least they know that bad boy is honest about who he is, so if he is kind to them they can assume he genuninely cares for them. Perhaps most people can see through it when someone acts nice only to get what they want. Perhaps they sense if he is actually someone who goes out of his way to hurt people whenever he thinks there's nothing in it for him. Perhaps that's why someone people on this forum get rejected a lot. If so, I'm not convinced that their problem is Aspergers/Autism.

I would also add that I have physical disabilities, which add complexitites to relationships that anyone who's not been in that situation can not even begin to imagine. Being female does not automatically make life easy. I wish this forum for open to discussing other issues than the problems people believe they face for being male.

blue_bean
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 13 Apr 2006
Posts: 9,952
Location: Behind the wheel

22 Oct 2012, 4:48 am

Welcome to WP :lol:

Page 3 of 6 [ 78 posts ] Go to page Previous 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 Next

Jump to:

Female single perspective Post Reply New Topic

Female single perspective