what are asperger men problem

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Shau
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01 Dec 2012, 12:45 am

I'll try to address the question posed by OP:

It comes down to this: The traits that AS tend to convey are generally much more damaging to a male's attractiveness than to a woman's attractiveness.

Let's take the shyness for example: Shyness is usually seen as far more tolerable in women than men, where it is essentially seen as nothing more than weak, and nothing turns off women more than a guy that seems weak.

For another example with the same trait, shyness is very damaging to a man's ability to initiate on a woman, whereas being shy isn't nearly as detrimental to a woman in that respect, because they generally initiate far less (And there's no shortage of men that will chase after them even if they give off absolutely no signals).

There you have it. Life sucks more for men with AS, but we have no choice but to just get over it.



BlueMax
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01 Dec 2012, 12:49 am

1000Knives wrote:
You realize you're proving his point, right? All women gotta do is exist.

I almost don't WANT to agree, but I'm afraid there's a lot of truth to it...

My sister is a good example of this. She's morbidly obese (easily +300 lbs) has terrible hygiene, smells gross, never brushes her teeth (which are blackened, broken, stinking and rotting out of her head).... and she always has a boyfriend of some kind shacking up with her for all the free sex they can stand.


OTOH...
Seems like the few single gals my age want me for nothing but sex! I'll pass, thanks! I won't settle for anything but a real, loving relationship.



wtfid2
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01 Dec 2012, 12:50 am

DialAForAwesome wrote:
Boo is actually kind of a bad example, he was blessed with good looks right off the bat, so his chances are automatically higher than that of most other aspie men.

Although I do normally agree with you, aspiesandra. :)
he's 5'3 though..what girl wants a manlet?


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wtfid2
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01 Dec 2012, 12:51 am

BlueMax wrote:
1000Knives wrote:
You realize you're proving his point, right? All women gotta do is exist.

I almost don't WANT to agree, but I'm afraid there's a lot of truth to it...

My sister is a good example of this. She's morbidly obese (easily +300 lbs) has terrible hygiene, smells gross, never brushes her teeth (which are blackened, broken, stinking and rotting out of her head).... and she always has a boyfriend of some kind shacking up with her for all the free sex they can stand.


OTOH...
Seems like the few single gals my age want me for nothing but sex! I'll pass, thanks! I won't settle for anything but a real, loving relationship.
your sister sounds repulsive lol...on that note my hygiene is terrible.


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billiscool
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01 Dec 2012, 1:32 am

wtfid2 wrote:
for one thing what is considered a problem in one gender isnt always considered a problem in the other gender. Shyness is considered a fault in males while being desireable or atleast acceptable in girls. Also men usually will f**k anything and care more about vaginas than personality. Aspergers often effects a person's ability to work and oftentimes men are the breadwinners. lastly, women do not have to overcome the hurdle of approaching perspective partners.
aspie men are a lot of times doomed. I do find it funny though that guys like me who have mild aspie score less than guys like aspie otaku who scored 193/200 on the aspie test :P tht player


Ok I get men approach women. But wouldn't asperger women have a hard time staying in a relationship. I can understand a man asking out an asperger women but shouldn't asperger women ''issues'' be hard for her to keep the date.
I go back to my ocd women. I watch quite a few documentry on women with very severe ocd. and all the women were unable to keep a relationship.
One women said that every time she bought a man to her place. The men would just leave, like right away, and she was very upset that no man would stay with her. If men are so willing to stay with a asperger women for more than 5 years. Why can't men stay with women with very bad ocd for 5 years.
and these women on the documentry were not ugly. They were attractive.

all these ocd women and women with weird obsession in these documentry were able to get into a date but none of the men they dated stayed with them. I always thought asperger women too would get a date and then the men would just leave them. But it don't look like that.
to what I notice, very few aspie women really don't have much issues when comes to dating. they date as well as the average nt women.
That not a bad thing. But it so interesting to me, how a person can so much ''issues'' in all other area (making friends, reading body language,stuff like that) but are able to get into a long loving relationship with very few problems.



BrenJB
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01 Dec 2012, 1:38 am

I hate to agree that women do have it easier but that is with NT women as well.

However, women who don't "give it up" don't have it easier. Just doesn't seem to be a lot of them these days



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01 Dec 2012, 3:10 am

Shau wrote:
I'll try to address the question posed by OP:

It comes down to this: The traits that AS tend to convey are generally much more damaging to a male's attractiveness than to a woman's attractiveness.

Let's take the shyness for example: Shyness is usually seen as far more tolerable in women than men, where it is essentially seen as nothing more than weak, and nothing turns off women more than a guy that seems weak.

For another example with the same trait, shyness is very damaging to a man's ability to initiate on a woman, whereas being shy isn't nearly as detrimental to a woman in that respect, because they generally initiate far less (And there's no shortage of men that will chase after them even if they give off absolutely no signals).

There you have it. Life sucks more for men with AS, but we have no choice but to just get over it.


I like this explanation.


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Adam82
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01 Dec 2012, 3:46 am

BrenJB wrote:
I hate to agree that women do have it easier but that is with NT women as well.

However, women who don't "give it up" don't have it easier. Just doesn't seem to be a lot of them these days


True.

Men and women have different problems.

Women might attract partners easier, but not neccesarily the right kind of partner. Aspie women might not be able to pick up on predators, and users, cheaters, etc.

Men might not be able to attract anyone at all, because NT women (excluding yourself :) ) are often put off by aspie behaviour. I've been told I'm decent looking, polite, kind, good personality, etc, and yet I struggle to get noticed by women at all.

So I guess either way, men and women with Aspergers might have trouble finding the right partner. Women get the wrong kinds of men, men get nobody at all. I suppose neither of these outcomes sounds particularly pleasant.



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01 Dec 2012, 5:49 am

If I only stick to the title of this thread and not going into the debate of men with AS having it harder than women with AS. Then in my opinion, being too honest, is a problem, which makes you seem weak. Weak because you disclose your "negative" aspects. Just mentioning autism, which could be seen as different, is instead perceived as a disability and you there for weak. Not a potential mate. It feels that women set the rules/terms by saying you should be honest, but when you are. It all goes belly up. When a woman is tired of setting the rules and want the man to take over, the AS man seem to fall flat on his face when they miss their cue.

I'm not promoting that women with AS are not having any difficulty or less than men with AS. I'm not a woman so I cannot say what they are going through. It does seem that they have their own set of problems with some that overlaps with men.



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01 Dec 2012, 7:08 am

1000Knives wrote:
rabidmonkey4262 wrote:
DialAForAwesome wrote:
Hygiene and caring how they dress has nothing to do with it. I'm the king of hygiene and am told that I dress pretty well for the most part.


Yeah, it does actually. No decent girl wants a slob. It's not the only thing, but it's definitely important. It also helps if you exercise and take care of your body. When guys exercise, it shows initiative and perseverance. You also have to be considerate and respectful. You need to be attentive to the woman. Most women can easily tell when a guy is desperate and it's a huge turn-off. There are body language books out there that are really helpful. You have to memorize them and apply what you learned to real life.


You realize you're proving his point, right? All women gotta do is exist.


How did you get that from what you quoted?


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01 Dec 2012, 7:55 am

billiscool wrote:
''One thing that many people with OCD are frustrated by is difficulties in establishing and maintaining romantic relationships. Many people with OCD are single and those who are in a relationship or are married often report a significant amount of relationship stress.''

You notice how it's both gender that struggle. but when comes to asperger only men struggle in relationship at a higher odd. (not saying no asperger women does but men have it worst)

you actually don't know that. there are no studies to back you up, no evidence whatsoever. that's what is so frustrating about these threads - they come from the point of view of the people who are not successful. the successful aspie males are not posting on L&D day in and day out, they are out living life (yet interestingly when females get into relationships they often still post here). so there is a skewed idea that most aspie men are not successful because there are so many that complain on the board! it says nothing at all about how many successful aspie men there are in total, or how many unsuccessful aspie women there are in the real world.

in my real life aspie group, 80% of the aspie females that i met were single. that's about the same ratio as the males in the group. you can't glance at the people who post in one area of one forum and proclaim which gender has it harder. it just isn't accurate.

i am truly starting to feel like misery doesn't love company. misery is some kind of a bloody competition and some people will not be happy until they are told that they have it so much wore than _X_ group. well guess what? there ain't no yardstick for suffering.


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01 Dec 2012, 8:00 am

hyperlexian wrote:
well guess what? there ain't no yardstick for suffering.


Is too. My mother kept it in the linen closet! :P


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01 Dec 2012, 8:02 am

MrXxx wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
well guess what? there ain't no yardstick for suffering.


Is too. My mother kept it in the linen closet! :P

:lol: well done


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MrXxx
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01 Dec 2012, 8:13 am

hyperlexian wrote:
MrXxx wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
well guess what? there ain't no yardstick for suffering.


Is too. My mother kept it in the linen closet! :P

:lol: well done


That's not what she said when she took it out. :lol:


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01 Dec 2012, 9:01 am

Maybe you just got this impression because there are more men with autism than there are women? Or because women don't get so obsessed with being a virgin that they post about it excessively? Or hundered of other possible factors. You've based your assumptions on few articles/documentaries - maybe the AS women who struggle with relationships just don't go public about it as often as men or as often as people with OCD or whatever?

Have you considered that you might not finding the answer to "why" it's harder for men because that's not actually true in the first place?



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01 Dec 2012, 10:46 am

billiscool wrote:
wtfid2 wrote:
for one thing what is considered a problem in one gender isnt always considered a problem in the other gender. Shyness is considered a fault in males while being desireable or atleast acceptable in girls. Also men usually will f**k anything and care more about vaginas than personality. Aspergers often effects a person's ability to work and oftentimes men are the breadwinners. lastly, women do not have to overcome the hurdle of approaching perspective partners.
aspie men are a lot of times doomed. I do find it funny though that guys like me who have mild aspie score less than guys like aspie otaku who scored 193/200 on the aspie test :P tht player


Ok I get men approach women. But wouldn't asperger women have a hard time staying in a relationship. I can understand a man asking out an asperger women but shouldn't asperger women ''issues'' be hard for her to keep the date.
I go back to my ocd women. I watch quite a few documentry on women with very severe ocd. and all the women were unable to keep a relationship.
One women said that every time she bought a man to her place. The men would just leave, like right away, and she was very upset that no man would stay with her. If men are so willing to stay with a asperger women for more than 5 years. Why can't men stay with women with very bad ocd for 5 years.
and these women on the documentry were not ugly. They were attractive.

all these ocd women and women with weird obsession in these documentry were able to get into a date but none of the men they dated stayed with them. I always thought asperger women too would get a date and then the men would just leave them. But it don't look like that.
to what I notice, very few aspie women really don't have much issues when comes to dating. they date as well as the average nt women.
That not a bad thing. But it so interesting to me, how a person can so much ''issues'' in all other area (making friends, reading body language,stuff like that) but are able to get into a long loving relationship with very few problems.
it goes back to the definition of issues. Issues are defined differently per gender. For a male the issues of aspergers are indeed faults, where as the issues associated with aspergers are merrily quirks sometimes even cute quirks for women. That is why aspie girls can stay in relationships. Also there are a lot of aspie guys who stay in relationships. we have a married couple in my group. Also since a higher proportion of aspie girls get into relationships than aspie guys i nthe first place it's impossible to see if as many aspie guys can MAINTAIN a relationship as aspie girls can since they are never given the chance in the first places. With that being said, hyperlaxian has a point about the real life aspie group females. The only girls i'd date from my group are the NT interns.


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