Autism and Love- Is it even possible?

Page 1 of 1 [ 11 posts ] 

V_for_Verbose
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 12 Mar 2013
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 59

16 Apr 2013, 12:06 pm

Hello everyone, V_for_Verbose here.

I've been on the Love and Dating forum on here for awhile. I've made posts and observed other posts, and I keep seeing similar trends- "How do I get this guy or girl to notice me", "I think I'm going to be single for the rest of my life", "What do men want?" "What do women want?", "Signals?", "Does online dating work?", "She hasn't replied to me, did I do something wrong?", "I'm in love with an Aspie", etc. and so forth.

Seeing these posts, and considering my own personal experiences, makes me question the success rate and probability of highly functioning autistic individuals enjoying the comfort and bond of love, dating, and potentially marriage.

What I see primarily on here, is high functioning autistics using dating sites, like Plenty of Fish, Match.com, this website, etc to look for and find potential dates. It makes logical sense- if you struggle socializing and interacting with the opposite sex, why not converse over the Internet, where things are black and white- no complex or complicated emotions or emotional comprehension.

I see the success rate for that approach is very, very limited and small.

I see others trying to find love and dating through trying to get someone they are attracted to to know them, usually with little varying degrees of success.

I see others who are resigned to a fate of loneliness in their desperation and frustration. I do sympathize with them, because at times, I feel like I am one of them too, unable to bridge the gap and find love despite my annoying disorder.

Others question the use of "alternative" methods to find comfort in their loneliness- the use of prostitution, pornography, etc and so forth. Once again, I understand and sympathize with their frustration and desperation, after all, it isn't their fault that they have to deal with a neurological disorder that hinders their social and romantic lives.

The ONLY logical conclusion I can come to about autism and love/dating is this:

Aspie girls:

Since in my society (American society), it is the cultural norm for men to pursue and ask out women that they are attracted to, women with autism do what most women do in my society- wait for a man to come up, approach them, and ask them out. I'm sure there are difficulties and misunderstandings in a relationship with an Aspie girl/NT guy relationship, but the probability of this happening is higher than an Aspie guy/NT girl relationship.

If an Aspie girl is unsuccessful in getting noticed by guys, they will ask others questions, or try new methods of attracting men, either by an alteration in appearance, or more forward behavior.

Aspie guys:

Where do I begin? The cultural norm, once again in my society, is for men to pursue and ask out women they are attracted. Most Aspie guys are terrified of that social interaction, so instead, they resort to talking to women online via dating sites, usually very unsuccessfully, since women prefer social interaction and emotional intimacy over using the Internet to communicate and build intimacy.

When this fails (and often it does), Aspie guys get frustrated, and either try again online, or become resigned to a perceived fate of loneliness.

Other Aspie guys try to get the attention of a girl they are attracted to subtlety or indirectly, often without success. Women prefer guys to be honest and straight forward, which is difficult for a guy who lack confidence in social interactions to do.

The only logical conclusion I can come to is that the almost only way an Aspie guy will be able to date a girl is if the girl yields to him first, because he is afraid of making the first move, due to his lack of social awareness. If she "bridges" the gap, does the approaching, and the initiation, he will be responsive, and we're off to the races. But since most women love and are attracted to confidence and straight forwardness with guys, they are turned off by having to "make the first move".

These are the conclusions I have come to. What do you guys think?



GiantHockeyFan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,293

16 Apr 2013, 1:43 pm

Good summary. I will also add in this Aspie's case, when he did get the courage to talk to a girl, I was always rejected because I was "trying too hard" and that creeped girls out. Apparently they like guys to be direct but not TOO direct. It seems the Aspie male just can't win. Of course, this made me even MORE afraid to talk to women because my difficulties become even more obvious and I was practically accused of harrassment by a girl everyone told me had the hots for me. My own Aspie-like boss even admitted that while he's married, if it wasn't for lots of alcohol he would never have met anyone.

I could never understand why it took 29 years for a tall, good looking, intelligent, in shape guy to find ANY girl interested in me and Aspergers is the perfect explanation. I've been asked a million times before "how come you aren't batting ladies away left and right?" Because of my ASD!



AspieOtaku
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2012
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 13,051
Location: San Jose

16 Apr 2013, 3:10 pm

Image


_________________
Your Aspie score is 193 of 200
Your neurotypical score is 40 of 200
You are very likely an aspie
No matter where I go I will always be a Gaijin even at home. Like Anime? https://kissanime.to/AnimeList


EMTkid
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 22 Mar 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 269

16 Apr 2013, 3:11 pm

I was lucky enough to meet my husband at work. He worked for another ambulance company, and at 3 am in the hospital I was putting my paperwork in the basket beside his coffee cup. He smiled this big, amazing smile and said "Don't you be messing with my coffee now..." Most of the way through a 24 hour shift, clear social skills take a hit in NTs, but my standard behavior doesn't really change so we were on a level playing field. I said "Glad you said that. Thought it was your partner's, and was considering spiking it with Lasix."

He friended me on Facebook and we talked for a few weeks until he sent me a message one night saying his computer was going in the shop, and if I wanted to text him, to go ahead. He sent me his number, and we texted all the time. We became best friends, with him NT but still flexible enough to go with my oddness. I explained Aspergers to him and he started researching.

I knew I was falling for him, but I was so scared. I was pretty sure he felt the same. We talked for hours every night. What if I screwed it up? I would lose the closest friend I had ever had... I could never cross that line. There was no way.

Ok, so there was one thing I couldn't stay strong against... For a few days, every time we talked, he seemed so down, so... lost. Finally, I refused to take no for an answer. I insisted he tell me what was wrong. He started crying. He said that He was in love with someone but there was no way they felt the same and the only thing he could do was just disappear from the world for a while. Somewhere in the talk, I realized he meant me. So finally I couldn't take the pain in his voice anymore. I had it in my power to stop him from hurting, so it was worth the risk. I had to interrupt him. "Ok, here's the deal... I really like you. I think we would be amazing together. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with you. But I am so scared that if I tell you that I will screw it up and lose my best friend."

He was absolutely silent for what felt like forever, and I was about to have a stroke. Was I wrong? Was he talking about someone else? Had I really screwed up? Finally he said "You know, when you started out with 'ok, here's the deal' you scared the hell out of me..."

We have been together for 2 years now, married for a year. He always makes sure the blankets on the bed are turned the right way, when he cooks he makes sure vegetables with that weird texture like onions and peppers are big enough I can pick them out, he got me a book signed by Dean Koontz for my birthday last year. He doesn't always succeed in following my sensory issues and special interests, but he tries harder than anyone else in my life ever has. He doesn't understand why the Camp Crystal Lake shirt he got me for Christmas is the coolest shirt I've ever had, he just knows that I am nuts over horror movies and that I wear it at least once a week. He is the most amazing man ever, perfect for me. So is it possible? Yeah. Is it likely? I don't know. A man like mine is... well, the expression is one in a million, but there are a lot of millions in the world. He is one in 6 billion. I can't speak for the rest of the autistic world, but I won the lottery...



billiscool
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Feb 2006
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,989

16 Apr 2013, 3:12 pm

V_for_Verbose wrote:

Aspie girls:

Since in my society (American society), it is the cultural norm for men to pursue and ask out women that they are attracted to, women with autism do what most women do in my society- wait for a man to come up, approach them, and ask them out. I'm sure there are difficulties and misunderstandings in a relationship with an Aspie girl/NT guy relationship, but the probability of this happening is higher than an Aspie guy/NT girl relationship.

If an Aspie girl is unsuccessful in getting noticed by guys, they will ask others questions, or try new methods of attracting men, either by an alteration in appearance, or more forward behavior.

Aspie guys:

Where do I begin? The cultural norm, once again in my society, is for men to pursue and ask out women they are attracted. Most Aspie guys are terrified of that social interaction, so instead, they resort to talking to women online via dating sites, usually very unsuccessfully, since women prefer social interaction and emotional intimacy over using the Internet to communicate and build intimacy.

When this fails (and often it does), Aspie guys get frustrated, and either try again online, or become resigned to a perceived fate of loneliness.

Other Aspie guys try to get the attention of a girl they are attracted to subtlety or indirectly, often without success. Women prefer guys to be honest and straight forward, which is difficult for a guy who lack confidence in social interactions to do.

The only logical conclusion I can come to is that the almost only way an Aspie guy will be able to date a girl is if the girl yields to him first, because he is afraid of making the first move, due to his lack of social awareness. If she "bridges" the gap, does the approaching, and the initiation, he will be responsive, and we're off to the races. But since most women love and are attracted to confidence and straight forwardness with guys, they are turned off by having to "make the first move".

These are the conclusions I have come to. What do you guys think?



for aspie guys, I do wish women would do more approaching more often, that how I got my first ''real girlfriend'' because she approach me first.
another problem is that you can have the ability to approach and talk to women like me, but if you are kinda of an odd ball, weird guy, it's
going be very tough to get a date. Im just a more ''fun'' weird guy, not a ''creepy'' weird guy, so I can make female friends.
Plus, Im funny and in good shape too, and charming in very immature, weird way.

but for the more shy aspie guys, well they are in a tough spot.



autisminlove
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 25 Mar 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 10

16 Apr 2013, 4:21 pm

We SEEN that it's possible. We've dedicated 18 months+ of our lives to explore this very topic. check us out...documentary is called autism in love and easily found on google. :)



sarah84
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 16 Apr 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 4

17 Apr 2013, 1:31 pm

Hey! I've been wondering the same thing. When I ggogled it I actually stumbled upon this documentary called "Autism in Love" (how funny) and I can totally relate. What do you guys think?



autisminlove
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 25 Mar 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 10

17 Apr 2013, 1:38 pm

Sarah!
That's so funny. I'm working on that documentary. We are in production. How did you find us? Through our Facebook page?



sarah84
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 16 Apr 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 4

17 Apr 2013, 1:50 pm

Nope. I literally googled "Autism and Love" and found your website autisminlove I watched a few of the clips and can relate. Is it finished yet? Where can I see it?



autisminlove
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 25 Mar 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 10

17 Apr 2013, 1:56 pm

Oh cool! You must have seen our sizzle reel. That's gotten a ton of buzz and even featured us on Huffington Post. We are still in production. We're doing a webcast tonight taking questions LIVE on the air at 8pm PST. Join us! Like us on Facebook for more updates!

Facebook . com / autisminlove

:)



sarah84
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 16 Apr 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 4

17 Apr 2013, 2:01 pm

Thanks! I'll have to check it out