Best way to hold the attention of an Aspie male ... anyone?

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I posted this in the men's section but thought that I might gain some insight here also.

OK men so I know this forum is a boys only club but I need to solicit your advice anyway. Please bare with me here. You should also know that I am an NT and did not know until recently that this was a term that applied to me.

So I need a general consensus on how best to romantically approach a man with AS. He has made it blatantly clear that he is interested, in the very least sexually, but nothing has proceeded from that point. He's great and I'm obviously interested but I don't know what to do. I don't want to invade his space or demand too much but I don't want to alienate him either...

Any suggestions that anyone can provide would be greatly appreciated.

The best advice I can give is this: If you want him to know something, come out and tell him. Hinting at things will get you nowhere. Tell him you are interested in him, and that you would like to start something if he wants to. Be truthful with him. Be accepting if he needs time to change any habits or work you into his daily schedule. If he needs time alone, or just quiet time with you, let him have it. If he's abrasive occasionally, let him know, but try not to get mad at him for it. Listen to the words he says, not how he says them.

This is the same advice I would give any girl who likes me, and it should apply to most aspies out there.

Last edited by Jameson on 02 Apr 2007, 10:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah, don't play any sort of games. Just be honest and direct.

Also really important. I can see that being difficult for the other person involved...but I'm not sure if there's really any way around it.

Last edited by shadexiii on 02 Apr 2007, 10:23 am, edited 2 times in total.

I totally agree. Be very clear with him. I think it's a great first step that you are here trying to understand him. That the firs't step!

If you are just interested in a sexual relationship then just tell him. Forget all the social politeness that you've learned, it doesn't apply to us and we don't get it or appreciate it anyway. Just say it. He'll never get it otherwise.


If you want something more, see above. You need to just say exactly what you think. That's the only thing we get. My husband just started telling me we were going to do such and such. If he had waited on me to give him any normal clues or say something, we'd both still be single.

We don't do flirting, non-verbal, eye-contact or subtlety. If you want something with an AS male, and it can be highly successful despite what you read, just forget everything you were ever taught about how to become romantically involved with NT guys and be honest and direct. Say exactly what you mean. Do not ever think he will "just get" anything because he won't. Never think he's going to "just know" what you want. You know how that book says Men are from Mars? We are from Pluto. The men from Mars could read your eye and body expressions and read between the lines if they worked at it, we can't. So you have to say what you think and feel.

Be very logical and not very emotional. That doesn't mean you can't be friendly and affectionate, but it does mean leave the high drama at home. Forget the tears and big emotional displays. We don't get those and they shut us down. At most we would look at you like you are bizarre. We feel things deeply, but we don't overtly display them like that and we don't really take it well when others do (that's some processing emotion issue and nothing against the person who is emotional so don't take it personally). Just think of it as overwhelming the processor. So, when you run into any issue, talk about it from logic and intellect and he will like that.

Most of all remember that to us, our brains are a big sex organ. What I mean by that is we find intellectual things very stimulating and those that share them get caught up in that feeling. They really become the object of our desires and attractions. We rarely feel we can connect with people that way, so it means a lot to us. It actually means more to us than dinners, movies and walks on the beach. It's just a difference in how we are. Those things may seem very different and foreign to you. But to be successful in an NT/AS relationship, that is really important. The biggest hurdle is that many things about you like the non-verbal and hidden meanings, we just can't understand even when we want to. Our brain just doesn't recognize them. That can really hurt your feelings if you don't understand it and accept it. You'll be waiting for the AS guy to respond to things he won't even see or sense. Since that's something we can't change about ourselves, it unfortunately means you have to learn a different way to be (completely honest, up-front, open and direct, even blunt). The good thing is that he will be honest and direct so you will always know where you stand. We don't have hidden agendas because we can't do that. We literally can't do that. It's a big plus to be in a relationship with someone who can't lie to you or play a game with you. It's a big plus to always know where you are in a relationship.

So, weigh that out and see if you think you can deal with it. If you are the right person, it can be very rewarding. He can offer you things that very few NT men could. Honesty. Commitment. Real caring and not just empty words. True acceptance of you as a person.

Very well said, ZanneMarie.

Well, I'm not an Aspie dude, but almost all of the things you hear are things I hear so I thought I would throw my two cents in.

I also get the abrasive thing, but not from my husband thank God. LOL

BOOBS, SHOW THEM AND all will fall into place.

ZanneMarie, your post was just beautiful!! Perfect!! I'd like to expand on the above quote. Most NT women learn their (illogical) relationship methods by observing other NT women (mothers, sisters, friends, etc.) or reading lousy self-help books by other NT women (or NT men who think like women). Since when are women experts on men? Ok, maybe French women are, but I think that's genetic! The only thing I can add to ZanneMarie's excellent advice is that you extend a more direct and honest (but still tactful) approach to all men, not just this particular AS guy in whom you're currently interested. The thing my NT but extremely analytical husband appreciated most about me when we met was my honesty and directness. He was extremely shy with girls, and he loved it that he knew from the start that I was very interested in him, I wasn't out to change him, and I just wanted us to have fun together! Six months later we were married, and our 22nd anniversary is next month. So don't waste time playing "read my mind" with any man in whom you're seriously interested. You might regret it later.

wow. ZM, that is very.......well its great advice, and I don't see how I can add anything to it, so I won't. I'm one of the lucky borderliners around here who is a Mars. I'm AS/NT, more NT, and I get along great with females, a few times I miss the signs, or misread them, but it usually turns out okeday.

Wow. unnamed. congratulations.......20th would be gold? correct? so happy two years past your golden.

Aye, the whole mindgames, "read my mind, what am I thinking," only works in the movies, because in the end its either they're gonna end up in bed together or they're gonna end up both dead(Romeo and Juliet pov) But at the same time, those women and even few men who do the whole mind games, only end up hurting themselves, because they lose out on whatever they were trying to gain from it all.

See the Men's Forum for the correct answer.

I thought was a tiny bit crude until I noticed this in the original post:



I honestly have no idea as far as real advice goes right now other than to say, just be there for him.

Don't push him into doing some sort of crowd oriented activity. We have problems living with ourselves, even more with another person, a crowd is WAY out of the question.

I hope some of these posts dont scare her off.


Just ask him if he wants to go out with you(movie, lunch, beach, whatever), im sure he'll take the big hint that your into him. Everybody is different, I personally like a girl who's connected to her emotions, it makes conversing funner.

Zanne kinda makes us out to be like were all socially inept, which were not , some just are into different things, I grew up somewhat social person with many friends. Im sure a lot of people with AS can read simple body language: looking away, not that interested, lots of moving, anxious, stuff like that. I think many people with AS are just so nervous/anxious that their not fully 'there' and dont take note of these things. But once ones comfortable, the conversation can really be nice.

I think the most important thing to remember is to just be yourself, if he feels, just as normal people can, that your sincere with him and not trying to make yourself out to be someone your not, he'll be into you.

Yeah, how sure?
eg. If someone asked me if i would like to go watch some rom-com, i'd say no.
If same person asked if i wanted to go see 'Inland Empire', i'd say yes.
It does not matter if it was a super-model, I'd pick up the 'hint', three hours later, then it would be a bit late.



Yes, there are different levels of functioning.
Inept is a strong word ( also not used in ZanneMarie's post); much like calling someone retarded because they have no grasp of logic.
But the question was asked about someone who actually has AS; if he has strong 'social skills', then i doubt she (PinkDice) would need to ask.