Best way to hold the attention of an Aspie male ... anyone?

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You would only be 'walking/talking proof' if you actually had AS.
By the way, my speciality is pattern recognition which also makes me quite good at reading body language. However, because i have AS, i can only process one input at a time. Hence, if i am talking or listening ( which is a usually an important aspect in social interaction), then the body language reading is non-existent.

I dont think people should be giving advice on how to deal with people with AS unless they actually have it or at least have an understanding of it.

Pink,


Now you've seen how vastly different we are. That's why it's called a spectrum. Just for your added confusion, all of us manifest different symptoms and those to different degrees. Jaguar feels he or she successfully learned skills. I've had many classes and training on it and never learned a thing (although I would think I did for a time, much to my own and everyone else's confusion).

What's important you take away from this is that we are vastly different in the symptoms we display, so it's always best to ask this man how well he can read eyes, faces, body language and unspoken meanings. One good way for you to know is that if his actions aren't matching what he's telling you (i.e. he says he cares for you but seems to do thoughtless things), that's a pretty good sign that he's not recognizing some non-verbal thing you think you are communicating. That's how my husband has been able to figure it out. When that happens, just calmly talk to him about it. Never think you or he did something wrong. Your communication is just happening in parallel universes at that point and if you realize that and address it, you'll be fine. It may not change (or if he's like Jaguar it may), but at least you'll understand what's happening instead of thinking something is wrong in your relationship.


Zanne

Yes Im not diagnosed, but I know Im HFA, which according to Tony Attwood is interchangeable because they have many of the same characteristics.

Oh and I totally agree with you on the weakness of multitasking, thats definitely an AS/HFA trait, but I manage.

Life sucks. I was rejected. Apparently he finds me attractive but has hopes of getting back together with his ex girlfriend. At least I was turned down right away and didn't have to spend a huge amount of time wondering about it. On the downside, I will still see him all the time at D&D. Dating is the suck. I would like to thank all of you, for trying to guide me through a situation I was not quite sure how to handle. Your advice was and still is much appreciated.

It's hard, but at least he was honest and didn't try to use you to get his ex-girlfriend jealous. Like you said, at least you didn't waste a huge amount of time.

Good luck!

i think that ppl who are DXed (or anyone for that matter) shouldn't take a "know-all" approach and should be at least open to the possiblity that someone may have AS and display a certain combination of traits that they do not.

i can walk talk (while chewing gum!) and discern some body language... in fact... i never even realized i was missing out on stuff until i found out about AS and started looking at stuff differently.

i find that if i get to know someone... that i can at least identify WHEN i've missed something... and i'm learning to go back and make the person explain to me (i only hang out with a couple people, so it's a little easier)... i'm sure it's tedious on their part... and though i always seem to keep having to ask them to explain...

i'm at least learning... i kinda also use this approach to keep myself from loosing keys ect... i always seem to misplace them... but at least i've learned to make myself do body checks every 20 min or so or when i am about to leave a room.

edit: my point being... you should take ALL advice with a grain of salt... whether it's coming from someone with a DX or not... and try not to impede on other people's feelings when they are only trying to help or at least are being positive.. or provide an alt point of view in a non-hostile manner

Having AS and having a DX are two completely different things.
A diagnosis means nothing to me.
If someone is giving what i think is stupid advice, then i will post accordingly.
It is of no relevance to me whether people are trying to help or be postive.

Sorry you were rejected. But at least you had the nerve to try. Something a lot of us balk at. And there'll be another bus along in a little while...

Probably the best advice ever for an Aspie. When I was married, that was one of the biggest sticking points between me and my wife. She was always hinting that she wanted this or wanted me to do that. And I NEVER got her hints, then she'd get mad at me about it... I don't know how many times I told her, "I don't GET hints, come right out and say it if you want something," but she never caught on. Either that, or (actually, more likely) she liked being exasperated and angry with me.

The same thing happened all the time with my ex... We were together for 3 years before she got too tired of me.

BTW - I love your avatar. It's from "Johnny Dangerously", right?

Do something special for them, ask them how they are and feeling. Try asking him if he wants to go out for lunch or something. GOOD LUCK!

I owe this Thread a post. It’s one of two posted by the same gal. I posted in the other thread, which is a thread in the Men’s only forum, before I saw this one. My first reaction to when I saw her question over there was: Hey! What’s she doing in the Men’s-Room?

When I was a teenager, I accidentally walked into a Woman’s-Room. Not on a forum, you know, that place with toilets and urinals. I was confused, “Where were the urinals?”. Then I heard: “Pervert!” echoing from voice nearby. So, what’s a word for a woman pervert? Help me here, or is it: “Do you want to.....?”

My hat is off to her for trying. Many don’t. So I will applaud her for that. And it is an action that is very similar to one that my bride would take, whom I know to be desperately trying to connect with me. My bride has shed tears over this. She sees something in me that I don’t, something that she is very in love with -- Something that has taken me years to become aware of. It is there. I’ve seen it sometimes amid the chaos of my mind. I just need to get it out. I am getting really close.

For me, one key ingredient is reassurance. My AS includes no sense of self. I can’t see myself as other’s do. Hmm, should I care?. Sounds like I’m asking for mothering. It’s very different. All I need is an empathetically pragmatic mirror of reflection back, to let me know how she sees me. It needs to be sincere, because we typically are very intelligent and will spot that insincerity easily. Insincerity will trigger a whiff of paranoia, a negative thought. This act of reassurance is not one-sided, I need to do my part too. I need to ask for it and not fear. And once I get a few of these, the need for reassurance will wane. It takes practice. And for me, it helps flick the switch from self-introspection, to acceptance and understanding. Example: One thing that will help me out right now is a comment on what I’ve just written here, and what is to follow. It doesn’t need to be much. Just a PM that says either: Thumbs-up, or Thumbs-down. That’s all... I don’t have a clue how this will be received...I do have an idea, but not sure. I’m new here, so it is like a trust building thing. And it takes effort to draft this stuff, I don’t want to waste my time.

Please ignore my tendency to speak for the whole. I sometimes get an arrogant view like... “I know it all”. So please filter that out. And please, somebody, please tell me how to keep this short. It never ends up that way.

I speak from my viewpoint along my own journey with AS. We all have varying degrees of AS. We are at different viewpoints in our own journey. But believe me when I say: I’ve spent years in and out of feeling depressed, in and out of doctors offices looking for the magic pill, dealing with bouts of paranoia, unable to leave the house, constantly in self introspection, questioning, questioning, questioning: Why am I like this? Why do I feel this way? The pills, the advice, never answered the question for me. I would get to feeling better, but the question was always haunting me. It became cyclical. Until, finally, finally I found WP. You have no idea what this has meant to me. And it is only recent. It was like finding a huge playpen full of chattering about me, and others like me that I thought didn’t exist, they were all helping one another without judgment! Huh?

The defining moment for me was an obscure post to one of mine. It was in a thread that was asking about charisma. The replying post said: “What’s the big ‘c’ word?” My initial reaction was to cock my head and ask: “Is somebody teasing me? You know, that little flick of paranoia, a negative response that has developed over years because of having to deal with unknowing /insensitive NT’s. Whom, have in my past on the schoolyard playground responded with: “YOU don’t know the: C -WORD!” Then I saw the responses on WP: “A dictionary definition”, “an explanation”, and without criticism. It was a: “We understand” level of mentoring that I’ve never experienced before. I was finally home... I wanted to read and contribute. The egg just hatched.... I was set free from the questioning self introspection and gaining acceptance of myself and an understanding. I still have questions, but my focus is different now.

This might be part of the answer to her question. And what I see as the crux for understanding this AS male, me. Help him understand this about himself. He will have to step-up too. And it may need to be among friends at WP and other site I’m finding like it.

I’ve read many of the comments in both threads. What stood out was a need for a gentle directness and understanding, asking lots of questions without fears, and our need for privacy, time alone. Please stay out of the Mens-room, or if you go there, read with an open mind. Glean insight and understanding of what makes us AS. Read between the lines.... There’s a lot of work ahead for some.

So I’m sitting on the fence (my Libra thing) as to AS+AS, or AS+NT. I believe some of what I said could be true for AS females too. Finding that acceptance part. And paired with another AS male with acceptance of himself might create that thing we’re all looking for, soul mates. As for AS+NT, This could be good too, it takes a lot of work though without sameness of mind. You’ve heard the cliche’: “Opposites attract”, you know, filling-in each other’s weak points. I’ll be on the fence awhile

Regards... .