90% of Aspies can't get a date?

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ryanms92
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18 Dec 2009, 5:45 pm

"Why am I not interested in women?
Before I got my Aspergers diagnosis in June 2003, I had complexes for being 30 and a virgin.
They went away with the diagnosis.
My social abilities are so extremely bad that I never learned how to get friends and to understand other people. Therefor, I don't have the same need to get a girlfriend or a family as other people. It's actually like being around a lot of people makes me want to "change the channel" or turn off when it becomes to much for me.
With the chromosome translocation i have, I don't even dare to have children either.
Somebody will maybe disagree with me on this, but I don't want a child neither me as a father or to inherit my autism or genetic disorder!
I spent a great deal of time at an internet dating site and got to "know" some girls there, but now I know that I was only looking for "the wrong part" of the relationship between to people.
On this dating website i behaved like a fool. But I've put that far behind me now. I now know that I'm 30 and a virgin because I have a form of autism and that I've long since accepted, the same way that I've accepted that I can't drive a car because of my epilepsy.
Boys with Asperger's mature slower than other boys and because of that, the gap between them and girls their own age becomes much wider and therefor they have less than zero chance of getting a girlfriend at age 16-18 like other boys. While other boys go to parties or are active in sports at this age, a 16 year-old boy with Asperger's may still be interested in his action figures or other things boys his age grew out of at age 12.
The result of this is that 90% of all men with Asperger's never get a girlfriend or marry.
Sadly there is a sickening "industry" of "experts" who publish books and has websites promoting advice for women who are in love with or are married to men with Asperger's. There are so extremely few men with Asperger's who are in this situation that it's only pathetic!
My obesity, due to my overeating doesn't make me a perfect "fatherhood candidate" either.
I would like to sum up the reasons to why I don't care about this in this way:
1: Lack of social abilities.
2: Doesn't want to subject anyone to the same things my family has had to go through for 30 years, such as weird habits, lack of empathy, rage and "manic" periods.
This is what often destroys relationships for people with Asperger's Syndrome.
More about this on the website of Families of Adults Afflicted with Asperger's Syndrome.
3: I don't want children.
4: I want to "disappear in the crowd" and by no means attract any attention and cause bullying.
I'm against sexual education for young people with Asperger's because 90% of all boys with Asperger's will never reach the maturity needed to get a girlfriend. For them, this education will just become another form of pornography.
schools today has no education about the acceptation of asexuality."

Not sure who this was written by, but it's gotten me thinking. What are the actual numbers of Aspies with romantic relationships?

I have been trying to talk to this girl for a long time. I finally started a conversation and I must have gone on too long or I was boring or whatever, because she seemed extremely disinterested. I just want to talk to this girl, but I can't think of anything to say and even when I do, I always mess up the conversation. How do you get around this?

I know a lot of you people will say something like "Don't worry about it. Just go up and talk to her." Well, I don't know her very well and I at least want to establish some kind of friendship with her beforehand. Obviously, this is the dilemma for most Aspies.

Anyways, to summarize, 1. What do you think of the 90% statistic the person above me gave? Do you think he's just depressed about his life or do you think there is truth to what he says? 2. How do you tackle the problem of not knowing what to say to a girl?

Thanks and have a good day! :)



Jono
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18 Dec 2009, 6:00 pm

That's possible. Most people with Asperger's don't pick up on the non-verbal cues real life situations to determine if someone is interested or not. As for the social skills part, you can learn them. Anyway, I've never had date either and I feel the same way about those books and websites you're talking about. Like the books by Maxine Aston.



18 Dec 2009, 6:07 pm

Well true for me, I couldn't get a guy in real life. I had to do it through online. And I'm female.



Pobodys_Nerfect
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18 Dec 2009, 9:13 pm

Yea but unfortunately the aspie females keep passing on the genes.



kingtut3
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18 Dec 2009, 10:23 pm

I feel depressed.



therange
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18 Dec 2009, 10:36 pm

I don't question my ability to attract a woman with my appearance or get laid if I had less morals and the right social circle, but I question my ability to keep a woman interested given that I don't work (which will eventually change in the future when I find the right job and the right circumstances) and don't drive (which won't change) and at any random moment, even if it's only once every few months, can get rock-bottom depression for up to a week despite being medicated.

Also, I"m an acquired taste. I don't have the same problems as a lot of Aspies as far as lack of style, being Star Wars/sci-fi/anime obsessed and having weird interests that most people aren't into, but I have a superiority complex when dealing with peers my age. I feel I'm better than them for not getting drunk and depending on being with friends or large groups of people to feel important and validated, and they think I'm a loser anyway because of bad social body language that comes with the Aspergers. We hate each other lol.

I'm sure when I'm in my 30s, find a job that I can handle, and am talking to women with responsibilities and a the party is over attitude, that my dating life will get better.

But the short version...yes, my living conditions/body language and lack of common ground with women my age prevents me from lasting any longer than a couple dates with women my age.



Last edited by therange on 18 Dec 2009, 10:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

AnnV
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18 Dec 2009, 10:45 pm

I'd keep trying if I were you.

I seek out the same type of person that I am. I find NTs to be boring and then feel arrogant for saying that. But it's true (for me)! I rather be alone and at the bookstore feeding my hungry mind than at some dumb happy hour making small talk.



therange
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18 Dec 2009, 10:56 pm

See, I'm looking for someone more outgoing than me, but with the introverted lifestyle. A woman that has the social skills, but prefers having a few close friends and a nice boyfriend and her job over partying all the time and hanging in large groups. I think I can find such a woman in her 30s...a woman that is sick of the immaturity and just wants to settle down with someone special.



KenM
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19 Dec 2009, 9:46 am

therange wrote:


I'm sure when I'm in my 30s, find a job that I can handle, and am talking to women with responsibilities and a the party is over attitude, that my dating life will get better.


When I was in my 20s I thought the same thing. The same stuff happened all through my 30s. I'm 41 now and after all my work on myself, trying to read social skills and learning body languge I can't last more then a couple of dates and I still get friend zoned.


because of my experence working on myself and pretty much always failing at a healthy sig other relationship, I have come to this conclusion:

God does not want me to have anyone special in my life. God gave me AS so people will think I'm strange and "just something about you" so that I will be miserable.

Thats why God made people with AS so that he can laugh at us and have a group of people he can screw with and watch kill themselves.



dddhgg
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19 Dec 2009, 11:20 am

KenM wrote:
therange wrote:


I'm sure when I'm in my 30s, find a job that I can handle, and am talking to women with responsibilities and a the party is over attitude, that my dating life will get better.


When I was in my 20s I thought the same thing. The same stuff happened all through my 30s. I'm 41 now and after all my work on myself, trying to read social skills and learning body languge I can't last more then a couple of dates and I still get friend zoned.


because of my experence working on myself and pretty much always failing at a healthy sig other relationship, I have come to this conclusion:

God does not want me to have anyone special in my life. God gave me AS so people will think I'm strange and "just something about you" so that I will be miserable.

Thats why God made people with AS so that he can laugh at us and have a group of people he can screw with and watch kill themselves.


Here's this guy with AS who also views things from a religious angle: http://www.celibrate.org/articles/Matth ... ergers.php . It's a bit of a long read, but I found it quite interesting. Do you people think Matt has a point or not?



Last edited by dddhgg on 19 Dec 2009, 11:21 am, edited 1 time in total.

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19 Dec 2009, 11:21 am

This is taken from my website (surprise?), you can find the link next to my Avatar. Yes, I meant what I wrote, and I mean that it's wrong to give Aspie boys the impression that they can get a girlfriend.
The fact is that most boys with AS here in Norway drop out of junior high. We have barely any special education schools, because integration is seen as more politically correct. In other countries, they would have gone to special education classes and would have gotten the chance to mature quicklier.


ryanms92 wrote:
"Why am I not interested in women?
Before I got my Aspergers diagnosis in June 2003, I had complexes for being 30 and a virgin.
They went away with the diagnosis.
My social abilities are so extremely bad that I never learned how to get friends and to understand other people. Therefor, I don't have the same need to get a girlfriend or a family as other people. It's actually like being around a lot of people makes me want to "change the channel" or turn off when it becomes to much for me.
With the chromosome translocation i have, I don't even dare to have children either.
Somebody will maybe disagree with me on this, but I don't want a child neither me as a father or to inherit my autism or genetic disorder!
I spent a great deal of time at an internet dating site and got to "know" some girls there, but now I know that I was only looking for "the wrong part" of the relationship between to people.
On this dating website i behaved like a fool. But I've put that far behind me now. I now know that I'm 30 and a virgin because I have a form of autism and that I've long since accepted, the same way that I've accepted that I can't drive a car because of my epilepsy.
Boys with Asperger's mature slower than other boys and because of that, the gap between them and girls their own age becomes much wider and therefor they have less than zero chance of getting a girlfriend at age 16-18 like other boys. While other boys go to parties or are active in sports at this age, a 16 year-old boy with Asperger's may still be interested in his action figures or other things boys his age grew out of at age 12.
The result of this is that 90% of all men with Asperger's never get a girlfriend or marry.
Sadly there is a sickening "industry" of "experts" who publish books and has websites promoting advice for women who are in love with or are married to men with Asperger's. There are so extremely few men with Asperger's who are in this situation that it's only pathetic!
My obesity, due to my overeating doesn't make me a perfect "fatherhood candidate" either.
I would like to sum up the reasons to why I don't care about this in this way:
1: Lack of social abilities.
2: Doesn't want to subject anyone to the same things my family has had to go through for 30 years, such as weird habits, lack of empathy, rage and "manic" periods.
This is what often destroys relationships for people with Asperger's Syndrome.
More about this on the website of Families of Adults Afflicted with Asperger's Syndrome.
3: I don't want children.
4: I want to "disappear in the crowd" and by no means attract any attention and cause bullying.
I'm against sexual education for young people with Asperger's because 90% of all boys with Asperger's will never reach the maturity needed to get a girlfriend. For them, this education will just become another form of pornography.
schools today has no education about the acceptation of asexuality."

Not sure who this was written by, but it's gotten me thinking. What are the actual numbers of Aspies with romantic relationships?

I have been trying to talk to this girl for a long time. I finally started a conversation and I must have gone on too long or I was boring or whatever, because she seemed extremely disinterested. I just want to talk to this girl, but I can't think of anything to say and even when I do, I always mess up the conversation. How do you get around this?

I know a lot of you people will say something like "Don't worry about it. Just go up and talk to her." Well, I don't know her very well and I at least want to establish some kind of friendship with her beforehand. Obviously, this is the dilemma for most Aspies.

Anyways, to summarize, 1. What do you think of the 90% statistic the person above me gave? Do you think he's just depressed about his life or do you think there is truth to what he says? 2. How do you tackle the problem of not knowing what to say to a girl?

Thanks and have a good day! :)



0_equals_true
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19 Dec 2009, 4:02 pm

So you created a sockpuppet....



Lonermutant
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19 Dec 2009, 4:17 pm

0_equals_true wrote:
So you created a sockpuppet....


And that's supposed to mean?



VivaLaConfusion
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19 Dec 2009, 7:04 pm

I think that the person the OP quoted is just fishing for a reason for why he has been rejected. The guy seems like he has terrible self-esteem, little respect for women, a screwed-up idea about how mature relationships work. Not to mention the fact that he seems to want to blame everyone but himself for his relationship issues. So what if boys with AS mature more slowly than girls? By the time you're both in your twenties, two years should be inconsequential.

Aspergers is not an excuse for being a dick. It does mean we have some challenges that other people have not had to consider, but it's not a get-out-of-jail-free card we can play anytime someone calls us on our crappy behavior. Being a decent human being means taking note of mistakes you make or shortages you have and trying to remedy them. Even if it means reading some books about it, talking to people, joining a gym, or even going to an etiquette class.

I don't think that people should have to live their lives alone if that's not the path they choose; however, I have little sympathy for people who let their own stubbornness and need for pity get in the way of self-improvement.

I didn't date in high school, dated a handful of people during university, and then I decided to take some time off. There is a lot to be said for voluntary celibacy. The key word is 'voluntary.' You're not allowed to feel bad about not getting laid because you made the decision to take some time off. I've spent two years working, going back to school, trying to identify my personal philosophy, and reading. A lot of reading.

Here is the advice I have to offer, if he'll take it:

1. Find something that makes you happy and gets you out in public. (Helpful to identify low-stress environments.) It could be an art class, a lecture at the library, an astronomy night at the local university's observatory. Pick something (cheap is good, free is better). Use your community to your advantage.

2. In the meantime, work on yourself. Check out a (recent) etiquette book from the library and study it. (I happen to like the Modern Gentleman series by Mollod & Tesauro.) Work on getting into better physical shape. Expand your musical horizons. Pick something.

3. Learn the difference between 'uncomfortable' and 'intolerable.' Uncomfortable is just outside your safe zone. Could be talking to someone new, jogging every other block on your daily walk, wearing a pale blue shirt with your suit instead of a white one. Intolerable is going straight from couch to running 5k. You'll burn yourself out and/or cause some serious physical/psychological pain.

Eventually, an interesting girl will come along. Be proactive and ask her on a date (anxiety much worse than actually doing this). Things could work out, or they might not. Regardless, keep moving forward. Make improving yourself and your relationships with others a priority in your life if it is bothering you so much. No one can afford to let life pass them by.

Best,

VivaLaConfusion, PhD
Department of Practical Psychology
School of Hard Knocks



Vexcalibur
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19 Dec 2009, 8:17 pm

Quote:
I'm against sexual education for young people with Asperger's because 90% of all boys with Asperger's will never reach the maturity needed to get a girlfriend. For them, this education will just become another form of pornography.
schools today has no education about the acceptation of asexuality."
This is stupid. First of all, what about the 10% AS guys that will have a girlfriend? Why deny sex ed for them? Also, the other 90% still need sex ed. Just because you won't get a girl friend does not mean you won't even be in a situation in which things like "USE A CONDOM DAMNIT" are not going to help. You know having the maturity necessary for getting a gf is neither necessary nor sufficient to ever have sex, don't you?

Quote:
I know a lot of you people will say something like "Don't worry about it. Just go up and talk to her." Well, I don't know her very well and I at least want to establish some kind of friendship with her beforehand. Obviously, this is the dilemma for most Aspies.
Well.
Not talking to her: 0% chance you will ever establish some kind of friendship with her.
You go and talk to her: X% chance . X is higher than 0.


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