9 Guidelines For Dating With Asperger's

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Oh don't get me started. I see now there are two doting females on the home page.

No idea what you're talking about.

wth, I'll bite,

Currently on the home page we have Alex supporting brain tissue donation - no problem there.

Then we have Jack Robinson whose chemistry experiment ran him afoul of the law and who is now doing something with internet technology, which I don't really understand, but again - no problem there.

Then there are the 9 Guidelines which are the topic of this thread and offer a number of banal suggestions for dating which could appear in any froth publication - no problem, except for the picture. The doe like adoration of her glance at a man whose face we can't see - heartwarming, not. This by itself is not that annoying, but coupled with ...

...the final entry, Asperger's in Love, becomes irritating. Again it is not the content of the thread that's problematic. Rather, the opposite. The documentary and her review are great for the autistic community. But what's the picture? Another doting woman, this time reaching out with love to a man. At least we can see him this time.

You may see the above as petty, but I view it as quite significant that the only depictions of women at this time on the homepage appear in relation to romance. It's not just the autistic men in Love & Dating, who often seem to think that finding a woman for a relationship will be a cure to all that is wrong with them, but society, as well, too often writes women off as sexual/emotional support and nothing more.

Surely, there must be some autistic women out there who can contribute more than this. I'd stand up, but the best I can offer is a guide to joint rolling. And Temple Grandin's been done to death.

So is there no autistic female who is remarkable for being more than just a woman in love?

Anyway, you asked.

Yeah I got that weird vibe as well actually. The Autism in Love one might be okay though, as it might be an actual scene from the Documentary it's from, but the 9 guidelines one makes me want to laugh.

The Autism in Love picture probably is from the documentary, but why choose that image from all that are available from the film?

Because the guy is an isolated loser that needs a savior from outside to save him or something like that. Women should do all the initiating and that jazz cause they suffer less and have better communication skills. Autistic stereotypes Or it's just a random scene.

OK, fair enough. Thanks for explaining. I thought you were just piling on the "hate white guys" bandwagon... which is getting old, because if you think about it, 99.99999% of white guys are just as powerless as everyone else. Just because those aristocrats at the top are white guys doesn't mean the rest of us a part of some privileged elite...

And while I sincerely hope you can find a way to "contribute more than this", I'll offer you a guy's perspective for consideration - at least it's still (barely) respectable for a woman to "just" be a wife and mother... which should make it easier for a woman on the spectrum than for a guy... guys not only have to provide for themselves, but no woman wants a guy who makes less than her, etc... If a guy can't do these things - he's a loser in this culture - no question about it. Maybe that's why the suicide rate is so much higher for men... especially white men...

Being a wife and mother are very demanding roles. I don't see why being either would make it easier for a woman on the spectrum.
Autism is autism, whether you're in a relationship or not. Why a perceived desirability of women by men would alter the autistic experience is beyond me.

I'd assume they have it the worst actually. The mother part anyways, demands a whole new level of "getting a grip". Being a father as well, but maybe a bit less so. Unless the mother is neglectful, she'll always have the strongest bond with her children.

People have this funny idea that relationships somehow negate all the hardships of life, but they don't. They just alleviate some and, but also create new problems.

Exactly.

Also, people tend to expect women to have nurturing skills, which can lead to disapproval when these skills are lacking. My nurturing skills are pretty non-existent and I have always sensed that this is judged as a huge failing on my part. But my autism leaves me unaware of the needs of others. And sometimes I am aware, but don't know what is the appropriate course of action to be helpful. Women are expected to be good at that stuff and often men have had expectations of me which I have disappointed.

I can really relate to this. I do have an instinctive nurturing capacity when it comes to animals (they are easy to read and their needs are straight forward) but I have always struggled with nurturing towards people because of not being able to accurately read their needs or to respond appropriately in the ways that are expected of women. I've gotten the feeling from many people in my life (especially men I've been in relationships with) that this is a great failure of mine and disappoints people's expectations of me as a woman. You're expected to be an emotional problem-solver and diplomat and if you can't provide those services then you are "not a proper woman".

I think a lot of guys on the spectrum are not aware of the ways that our social difficulties and the messed up and antiquated gender roles of our society can combine to create unique difficulties for autistic women just like they can for autistic men. The added expectations and pressure for us to be socially facile and nurturing and the judgement and shunning we are exposed to when we can't live up to those expectations can be extremely damaging to our sense of self-worth and self-esteem. I know that's been the case with me. Coming here sometimes and being told how much easier I have it because I don't have to ask guys out on dates and get rejected (?!?!?!) does not help.

Me too. Animals make much more sense to me and are often clearer than humans in their communication.

I feel the same way. For two reasons: 1) Women don't have it easier, and 2) Why would getting a date make things any better anyway?

It's kind of ironic that the stated reasons why so many guys in L&D want relationships with women (to be emotionally taken care of and supported and nurtured) are the exact reasons why when autistic women get into relationships we are rejected--we aren't naturally good at the things that women are supposed to be good at in relationships and are rejected for not living up to those expectations--and then we come here and that difficulty isn't even recognised except by other autistic women who have experienced it too. What gets me is the guys who actively don't believe that we face rejection in relationships and assume we are being dishonest about our difficulties. It makes me feel extra invisible, even more so than I do IRL.

I thought the article was ok. Some of the points are maybe a bit obvious and general however no harm in that, we all have different levels of awareness.

I don't think it fair to put it in the Cosmo / "train on the way in to work" category of journalism. It is better than that.

Me too.

And so far, I've seen that Aspie men's difficulties aren't recognized except by other aspie men, it's a draw, really.