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Outrider
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11 Oct 2016, 8:36 am

I can see why.

There's one thing I've noticed about love and dating - that people tend to fall into patterns, for better or worse.

This is why you may end up seeing decent women date ar5eh•le after ar5h•le and such.

The pattern I fell into last year was girl's with a 'messed-up' life.

I had 4 major crushes last year and two girlfriends. Of these 6, 4 fell into one or both of the two categories: traumatic background and past, mentally messed-up in the head.

Hopefully this pattern has ended.

I wouldn't be too worried if I were you, surely the pattern will break sometime sooner or later.

Sometimes the 'pattern' depends on things about yourself, e.g. naive women keep getting used, toxic people fall into toxic relationships, etc. other times it's just random and out-of-your-control.

As I've said multiple times, I relate.

I'm friends now with a girl I met in high school. We both crushed on each other back then. Sometimes my feelings come back.

I have Oneitis for her because I don't meet or speak to any girl's my age anymore, and because even back in high school every crush or girlfriend I had after her couldn't hold a candle.

Why couldn't we have ended up together? She could have dated me, moved in, and she'd be here with me now and we'd be in love. A loving girlfriend is all I really want and I'd be set for life. Anything else is just icing on the cake, personally.

The only reason we never dated was because of something we both couldn't control.

I can't stop obsessing over the theory of infinite alternate universes, and that for every crappy, negative thing that happens to me, there's at least one alt-universe where everything optimistically went right.

In the most positive universe, she'd be here with me and be my fiance by now.

Yeah, this is getting 'creepy'.



RetroGamer87
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11 Oct 2016, 8:53 am

You're right that dating a bipolar girl is mentally exhausting. Dating an obese girl is exhausting because people expect me to stop fat shaming and pretend that I'm attracted to obese girls. Our culture wants me to act like an ugly girl is equally attractive as a pretty girl. Lying that much is exsausting for me. If I tell the obese girl she needs to go on a diet people think I'm a monster. Would I be better if I let her go on damaging her cardiovascular system? People think sparing people's feelings is more important than their physical health.

People in our culture are extremely shallow about not looking shallow. They're very vain about not appearing vain. People always say "looks don't matter" becuase they think it will make them look good if other people hear them say it. People say they don't care about looks because they worry that caring about looks might harm their image.

I'll admit I'm more concerned about looks but health is important too. I can have a very long relationship with a healthy girl because she'll live for a long time. Who wants to outlive their partner? Good looks are often caused by good health. We evolved our indicators of attractiveness to determine who would be a healthy partner.

Mental health is important too. Several of the girls I've dated had past suicide attempt. Suicide is detrimental to a long lasting relationship. You're right that I'm scraping up the dregs.

Outrider wrote:
I wouldn't be too worried if I were you, surely the pattern will break sometime sooner or later.
What if I'm going to meet the perfect girl five years from now but she doesn't do me any good because by that time I'm already in a committed relationship with a girl who is profoundly flawed. In that case the perfect girl will pass by like a ship in the night while I suffer through another of my partner's bipolar episodes.

That could happen to me. Or it could happen to you. When I'm dating one of these low-tier girls, I'm afraid to let go becuase I may be choosing between her or nothing. Or if I dump her the next girl might be even worse. The reason I'm reluctent to give up low-tier girls is because I don't know whether or not high-tier girls would be willing to date me.


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11 Oct 2016, 9:38 am

Ok so yourself do have these qualities: good looking, physically healthy and mentally healthy?

Cos you wrote about not getting outta bed?

Do you set the same standards for yourself as you expect from this potential gf?



sly279
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11 Oct 2016, 3:01 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
Here's the reality of having a gf. When you have one you'll still be jelous of guys who have a prettier gf than you.


Only if your superficial and see women as attractive objects to have and show off.

I've never been jealous of other women when I almost had gf.



Alliekit
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11 Oct 2016, 3:21 pm

Are you seriously calling human beings low tier as if they are lower beings then yourselves.

If anyone called either of you low tier you'd both hate it.

So they may be smart and funny but because they aren't stunning they are 'low tier'?



Last edited by Alliekit on 11 Oct 2016, 3:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

sly279
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11 Oct 2016, 3:35 pm

Alliekit wrote:
Are you seriously calling human beings low tier as if they are lower beings then yourselves.

If anyone caller either of you low tit you'd both hate it.

So they may be smart and funny but because they aren't stunning they are 'low tier'?

They'll both quite shallow. Outrider didn't seem so at first but it's seeped out more and more. But they have more luck with women then non shallow and judgmental people, such is life, meaner people always get ahead



Outrider
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11 Oct 2016, 5:24 pm

Alliekit wrote:
Are you seriously calling human beings low tier as if they are lower beings then yourselves.

If anyone called either of you low tier you'd both hate it.

So they may be smart and funny but because they aren't stunning they are 'low tier'?


I'm not just talking about looks, I'm talking about Personal qqtualities as was well.

No, I dont mean lower than me, I mean lower on my subjective hierarchy of taste and personal quality.

Yes, I do rate and am more attracted to some people more than others, personality and physical wise, that's just the way it is. Low tier is the bottom of my I n subjective attractiveness totem pole rank system, many people have one. I can not be equally attracted to everyone.

I should have just said 'Retrogamer is ending up with women that don't live up to his standards'. That's all I meant.

Besides, the girls I dated or crushed on weren't really friendly or funny. My ex was aggressive, cruel, always changing her mind about me, likes me one minute and hates the rest.

You would agree no one really deserves a toxic relationship, right?

Just because I refer to girls im not attracted to, mainly rude aggressive ones who don't take care of their appearance and are angry and unkind to me even when I try to reach out to them, did went mean I deserve to be with them.

I was a genuinely decent guy in high school, why should I have to deal with the burden of a toxic relationship with a mentally unhealthy girl not making an effort to seek treatment.

It is toxic and bad for my mental health as well.



Outrider
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11 Oct 2016, 5:32 pm

sly279 wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
Are you seriously calling human beings low tier as if they are lower beings then yourselves.

If anyone caller either of you low tit you'd both hate it.

So they may be smart and funny but because they aren't stunning they are 'low tier'?

They'll both quite shallow. Outrider didn't seem so at first but it's seeped out more and more. But they have more luck with women then non shallow and judgmental people, such is life, meaner people always get ahead


Women tend to not be attracted to a guy with 0 standards, Sly they are it as desperate.

Besides, when my standards were lower I went after girls I now realize were not good for me as were genuine bad people.

No one should ever have to date someone emotionally abusive or manipulative, what if I told you you are shallow for not giving every homeless woman or heroin addict or prostitute on the street a chance.

Seriously, go ask out the next 50 year old looking homeless woman you see, if you don't you ate shallow right?

All I ask dome be equal to me. I eat healthy and exercise and want a healthy girl, I shower daily and don't want a girl who showers literally once a week, I use no drugs and do not want an addict, I try to be friendly and nice and dont want an angry mean girl who insults me every 2 seconds like my ex girlfriend did.



sly279
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11 Oct 2016, 6:43 pm

Outrider wrote:
sly279 wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
Are you seriously calling human beings low tier as if they are lower beings then yourselves.

If anyone caller either of you low tit you'd both hate it.

So they may be smart and funny but because they aren't stunning they are 'low tier'?

They'll both quite shallow. Outrider didn't seem so at first but it's seeped out more and more. But they have more luck with women then non shallow and judgmental people, such is life, meaner people always get ahead


Women tend to not be attracted to a guy with 0 standards, Sly they are it as desperate.

Besides, when my standards were lower I went after girls I now realize were not good for me as were genuine bad people.

No one should ever have to date someone emotionally abusive or manipulative, what if I told you you are shallow for not giving every homeless woman or heroin addict or prostitute on the street a chance.

Seriously, go ask out the next 50 year old looking homeless woman you see, if you don't you ate shallow right?

All I ask dome be equal to me. I eat healthy and exercise and want a healthy girl, I shower daily and don't want a girl who showers literally once a week, I use no drugs and do not want an addict, I try to be friendly and nice and dont want an angry mean girl who insults me every 2 seconds like my ex girlfriend did.


You call them low life's and such other insulting things.

I won't date a 50 old homeless woman cause she's 50.
I'd date a 27 old homeless woman though. I still wouldn't say insults about the 50 year old.

Also what so they won't date a guy who has no standards, but they can't date a guy who standards say their low life's and trash. Yeah right

I have standards. Called be a decent human bean and don't smoke or drunk a lot. Nothing else is a deal breaker. I'll date them and see if it works. I don't look down on women who haven't gone to college or live at home, or come from bad families. Non of that has anything to do with who they are. I want to date them not their job, education or family background.



Outrider
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11 Oct 2016, 7:06 pm

You know I agree with all the same things.

I would date a homeless girl my age, high school dropout, no job, etc.

So all you want is a girlfriend who is a decent human being, is warm and loving to you, doesn't smoke and doesn't drink?

Guess what, me too!

But my ex-girlfriend was not this, and the other girl's I had crushes on weren't either.

I thought they were at the time but looking back some of them were abusive.

I never called them low-lifes or trash, I think all people are equal, but when it comes to attraction yes some people will be less attractive than me to others, this is normal and natural for most people.

Just because I find a woman unattractive doesn't mean I don't see her as an equal. But that also doesn't mean I want to date her if she doesn't fit my standards.

I believe you have to get rid of the idea that other people are bad people for having standards.

Most people have higher standards than both of us and this doesn't always make them shallow or bad people.

Sometimes it just means they want someone who they think they can be with who won't drag them down and make their life harder.

If a woman wants to date a man with a decent job then she has every right to.

Trust me I don't like it either people are so 'shallow' but I also sometimes admit that it's just the way it is.

It just means both of us have to find the few girls out there who:

1. Don't care about that stuff and love us for who we are.

and

2. Are a decent human being. Are mentally healthy or if they have disabilities are trying to treat themselves by going to therapy and taking their medication.

If you just date any girl who is nice to you, you could end up in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Some women are manipulative and only nice to you to get something out of you.

My Asperger's uncle always dates girl's like this.

Obese women who don't care about their health who always pretend to be nice to him, use him for his money and then kick him out the next day, but he always goes back to them because he's attracted to them and they are nice to him on payday.

So excuse me for having some standards and not wanting to end up with a girl who will only make me worse off.

My ex girlfriend wasn't an absolutely horrible person, and like I said no one deserves to be in an abusive relationship even her she doesn't deserve a taste of her own medicine she deserves a good boyfriend like anyone else once she can get her act together.

If you really want to know she was one of the most hated people in our entire grade back in senior year of high school, everyone thought she was ugly, annoying, the r-word etc.

She had many disabilities BPD, Depression, Anxiety, and learning difficulties she was 19 years old and in the 12th grade older than the rest.

She had a traumatic life her childhood and teen years full of abuse and neglect.

And I still saw the good in her, tried to be the best boyfriend I could and asked friends for help and they said I was doing fine and being a great boyfriend and my girlfriend even said when I asked that I was the best boyfriend she had ever had I stood up for her whenever I heard anyone talk badly about her.

This one guy called her ugly and stupid and the r-word I yelled in class at the top of my voice at him.

And in the end I only end up hurt and emotionally manipulated by her.

So I take back the 'low-tier' thing if the people of WrongPlanet are so easily offended by it.

I would date a girl with learning difficulties, many disabilities, wheelchair, blind, etc. as long as 1. she's a decent person and 2. her medical conditions aren't so bad that she has to constantly spend time in the hospital and such because that means less time spent with me and me always worrying if she's going to be okay or not.

Even girls with deformed faces. There was a normal bodied woman with a deformed face I actually thought looked quite nice on the bus one time.

I'd date a high school dropout with learning difficulties in a wheelchair defomed bald Malaysian girl who can barely speak English if she is a good person, I like her for her, she likes me for me, and she lives close enough for me to see her at least once a week.

Whatever, if we are compatible and it works than it works.



Outrider
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11 Oct 2016, 7:09 pm

I think it's about time we stop hijacking this thread and move back to the original topic:

How's things going, Ecomatt?

Are you unhappy you can't get a girlfriend right now, angry, or just thinking strongly about it?



RetroGamer87
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11 Oct 2016, 9:34 pm

HelloSweetie wrote:
Ok so yourself do have these qualities: good looking, physically healthy and mentally healthy?
Yes, yes and partly.

I have depression but not to the point where I give up on life and become a shut in (this happened to my ex when she dumped me, a mentally healthy person wouldn't become a shut in).
HelloSweetie wrote:
Cos you wrote about not getting outta bed?
I get out of bed every morning just like you do. I wrote about why I get out of bed. 


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12 Oct 2016, 12:02 am

Outrider wrote:
I think it's about time we stop hijacking this thread and move back to the original topic:

How's things going, Ecomatt?

Are you unhappy you can't get a girlfriend right now, angry, or just thinking strongly about it?


I am still confused to be honest. Of course it not me because I understand myself since the fact I achieved goals like done two uni degrees, drove a car on right hand side of the road, visited countries and snorkeling in GBR. Since these things made me happy about myself, but the other side is lack of empathy and connection from people. When I appear act weird, quirky and oppressed because of common Aspie traits that you cannot change people lean towards the judgment. Like a police arrested a guy with cerebral palsy because the police observed he act disorderly drunk in the public place. This analogy show that the police misjudge the person's behaviour.

The major problem on our planet is COMMUNICATION. People don't tend to listen to understand, but rather listen and don't take direct actions. Like I said before getting employment and a girlfriend are equally difficult for a person like me. Employers kept judging my different way of communication skills and while women judges my behaviour. Of course being a typical Aspie is offensive and scary. Although at the same time it offends me. I can't lie nor pretend to listen.

I am happy about myself, but I am unhappy that I know I have strong qualities for a girlfriend since I observe so many nasty things happening to women who kept being in trap of terrible boyfriends. I don't have those values, but the values are just being myself. This is a same when finding employment because of passion and experience works together. Unfortunately the kept judging the way how I communicate strategically.



Outrider
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12 Oct 2016, 1:03 am

Ecomatt91 wrote:
Outrider wrote:
I think it's about time we stop hijacking this thread and move back to the original topic:

How's things going, Ecomatt?

Are you unhappy you can't get a girlfriend right now, angry, or just thinking strongly about it?


I am still confused to be honest. Of course it not me because I understand myself since the fact I achieved goals like done two uni degrees, drove a car on right hand side of the road, visited countries and snorkeling in GBR. Since these things made me happy about myself, but the other side is lack of empathy and connection from people. When I appear act weird, quirky and oppressed because of common Aspie traits that you cannot change people lean towards the judgment. Like a police arrested a guy with cerebral palsy because the police observed he act disorderly drunk in the public place. This analogy show that the police misjudge the person's behaviour.

The major problem on our planet is COMMUNICATION. People don't tend to listen to understand, but rather listen and don't take direct actions. Like I said before getting employment and a girlfriend are equally difficult for a person like me. Employers kept judging my different way of communication skills and while women judges my behaviour. Of course being a typical Aspie is offensive and scary. Although at the same time it offends me. I can't lie nor pretend to listen.

I am happy about myself, but I am unhappy that I know I have strong qualities for a girlfriend since I observe so many nasty things happening to women who kept being in trap of terrible boyfriends. I don't have those values, but the values are just being myself. This is a same when finding employment because of passion and experience works together. Unfortunately the kept judging the way how I communicate strategically.


I'm sorry that's happening to you.

It is true that, with Asperger's along with communication difficulties, the world will treat you less positively.

It's definitely not always your fault.

Sometimes you might do or say things that are considered wrong by most people, but this doesn't mean you're a bad person, and most of the things you do are probably actually fine.

Sometimes it's not always your fault, but other people's fault for judging you.

You are right.

I think someone already tried to suggest to you this idea in the past, but have you met many other women with the same difficulties you have?

You've spoken at quite a few presentations for people with disabilities or the deaf community, has there been any good friends you made from this kind of stuff?

You definitely do sound like you're doing the right things.

You speak at presentations, you've traveled the world, you've got two degrees.

You can drive, but do you own a car, live alone and all that stuff yet, or are you still working on that stuff?



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12 Oct 2016, 1:16 am

Ecomatt you sound like a nice guy with lots to offer.
Remind me a bit of DH.
Kindness is such a precious quality.

I am looking forward to your answers to my questions that got lost in the hijack.

HelloSweetie wrote:
Ecomatt91 wrote:
I believe the Gen-Y and millennials are struggling with technology superficial values and competitive human race issues. Like losing virginity as early as much to peer pressure like a competition. No one understands this. My psychologists explained this to me. They said I am not the problem, its them.


Hm I find that rather unhelpful. As imho one can surely cannot change others, but can sure try to expands on one's skills. Changing the world vs changing your behavior.

Did you any kind of practical skills training? In job and/or social skills?

Did you do any kind of reading about it?


Especially when you're talking about actions.
What kind of practical action plan can you design and execute in order to archive your goals?



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15 Oct 2016, 2:13 am

I want people to show not saying I am a nice guy with lots to offer. Stop talking about it. Every friends say that to me. I had enough of it because it not an action from appreciation and compliment. Action is stronger than words because its a true reality and its logical.

What is DH? Be careful of abbreviations on here. It not for me because it not worth my poor grammar or my grammar is different language.

In answer to your question about practical actions and execution - a direct action from the said words is the only way to improve. Stop making stupid assumptions. Stop rejecting. Stop avoiding. Stop saying words itself.

What I need is a job, a girlfriend and consistent social life with friends. I have friends, but they mostly not understanding me. But they said they are friends to me, and I am confused with that because the words is always said rather than directions. At the end I probably never had a friend in my life.