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Red flags in dating? Early stages

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MsV
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11 Jan 2017, 4:07 pm

Hexen wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Hexen wrote:
So, I'm wrong because to be on the safe side I consider bar hopping a red flag, even though there may be a small percentage of women who goto bars and are decent? Do I have that right?

Yes, that's right. You might be missing out on a very nice young lady, due to your bias against bars, if you hear her talking about enjoying going to bars. You may assume differently to what she's meaning. I was just like, erm, excuse me, I go to bars and I'm not a ho. Neither are my friends. I had to speak up.

Hexen wrote:
Also, are you saying women here are never wrong and that women can just udnerstand how men feel?


No don't go to the extreme of saying that because I disagreed with one thing you said that I think all men must be wrong and all women are never wrong. I will call other women out on here as well if I disagree with them. If you ever see me saying something that you think misrepresents how men really feel then point it out. I have no problem with that. Just tell me.

I don't believe so, unless by bar you mean high class restaurant with a bar. I am talikng about clubs where people grind on each other and straight up bars, not fancy places.



Those are plain creepy. People bumping you constantly, sweaty drunk people... *runs and hides under covers* (not being sarcastic)



MsV
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11 Jan 2017, 4:09 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
MsV wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
MsV wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
In response to someone's post who wrote about someone could have an ASD or a personality disorder, I don't care what disorder anyone has, if any of your behavior is toxic and overwhelming for me and it's going cause you to do abuse and control me and bring down my low self esteem and give me anxiety and be so cold towards me and non empathetic and non understanding, and bring me into depression, you're out of here. A label doesn't matter, only the behavior does and how you make me feel and how well you treat me. Being a martyr isn't good for you and either is white knighting.


Now more red flags: Trying to get me to cut off friends just because they are not the right gender and getting mad at me for who I talk to. I bet my ex would have also gotten mad at me if I wanted to go out with friends or go to groups and he tried to get me to cut off my online friends who weren't female and telling me I can only talk to aspie ones. Really I shouldn't have to go online and then ignore anyone who isn't a woman and imagine if someone sent me a PM and I ignore it because they were a guy? What kind of life would that be not being able to interact with anyone online unless they were a woman?


Trust issues is also another red flag.


"Now more red flags: Trying to get me to cut off friends just because they are not the right gender and getting mad at me for who I talk to. I bet my ex would have also gotten mad at me if I wanted to go out with friends or go to groups and he tried to get me to cut off my online friends who weren't female and telling me I can only talk to aspie ones. Really I shouldn't have to go online and then ignore anyone who isn't a woman and imagine if someone sent me a PM and I ignore it because they were a guy? What kind of life would that be not being able to interact with anyone online unless they were a woman?"

I see this as a big red flag. I had set up a thread just on this topic about how men and women can't just be friends. If I had a Hunny with several "girl" friends - not going to work out. It's a recipe for disaster. I see this setup being ok for a lot of Aspies, but IMO, NT women do not go for it.


So no team building activities with people of the opposite gender?
I don't believe men and women can't be friends and have some long term male best friends. If we had wanted to "hook up" or whatever they're calling it now, we really could have / would have in those years.
I guess it depends on the person and whether or not there's open communication and trust.
I also think cheaters don't care what boundaries are set since the act of cheating in itself crosses loads of them... they're not respectful people. Period.


Some of that is true. One of my Aspie guy friends once said "If someone wants to cheat, then they will." I also think that you can set yourself up (unknowingly) to cheat. It's kind of like the alcohol thing - if you're an alcoholic and you are around alcohol, then the chance of drinking goes up considerably. Same with men and women. You put a sad, unhappy, married women who just had a fight with her Hunny in a room with a bunch of male friends something is bound to happen - add a little alcohol to the mix and something is going to happen.


My male friends respect me too much to ever take advantage of me. Proof: we've all been friends since college and they took me to hospital when my drink got drugged. So they had alllll the chance the would have needed.
Even in the aforementioned scenario, nothing would happen. They would simply start feeding me water :lol:


I should hope so! That's just normal human decency.



Right? Should be anyway...



hurtloam
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11 Jan 2017, 4:09 pm

MsV wrote:
Final clarification of reasons for my post:
- my intention was not to start a male or female bashing fest! There are tons of good guys and women and we all have our preferences. We're are different stages in our lives, have varying tolerances for example certain lifestyle choices (smoking drinking morning people coffee music blasters haha) etc
- My intention was simply to get educated. I keep finding that it's hard to recognize early signs of bad intentions in people. For example - and the thing that convinced me to ask - in the beginning things will seem great and then suddenly I'm being told what to do and how to think and that my attempts to voice an opinion are "cute" but always wrong and the same happens when I try to set boundaries.
Is it an AS thing that I can't recognize this kind of person and regardless of the previous answer, what are signs to look out for early in dating?


That's a good question. It would seem that it's easier for a manipulator to take advantage of someone who has a certain niavety about them. I've seen it in real life. And it worries me. I am shy, so I do wonder if the only person who would be bother making the effort to get my attention would be a sociopath. I'm not sure how to tell other than reading about how to spot a sociopath type articles online and videos on youtube.

I know a very quite person, my age, a bit niave, not great with people, ended up in an abusive marriage and is now getting a divorce. He was lovely at first, but she didn't see he was a bit off. I only met him once, so can't say how charming he seemed or what.

I think manipulators and narcissists go for someone who they think will be easily led. They want a cute little lamb.



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11 Jan 2017, 4:11 pm

nurseangela wrote:
Hexen wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Hexen wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
Hexen wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
^
What's wrong with going to bars and clubs?

Being in an environment where there are many people drinking a mind altering substance that affects judgment. Willfully putting yourself in that environment and allowing yourself to get drunk around strangers. Okay if you go as a couple, not so much going alone if you're in a relationship.


What if you are out with a group of friends?

If you get drunk willingly around strangers, or friends and your partner is not around; you put yourself in a bad situation to cheat. "I'm sorry I cheated on you, I was drunk." This goes for either sex. The only exception to this, is if you drink with family over a relatives house. Party girls are not good girlfriends.


If someone cannot go out for a drink with friends without their S.O without being at risk of cheating, then I'd say there are some deeper problems in the relationship...as I think most in relationships can handle some drinks without being at risk of cheating on their partner.

It's a red flag to me and I've NEVER seen a relationship where a women likes to go bar hopping last; not once.


I also agree with this. I can't stand the atmosphere and I thought that most Aspies wouldn't either because of all the noise. Anyone going to the bar really still wants to be single and play the field, IMO.

A Hunny + the bar scene = :thumbdown:


Well I enjoy going out for drinks with my boyfriend, and checking out different bars...some certainly are sh*tty but not like we have to stay at any we don't like. There are quite a few bars that have live metal/rock music and such and a couple heavy metal themed bars. Either way its fun for us to go out and drink as a couple, but too each their own.


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Hexen
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11 Jan 2017, 4:12 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
Hexen wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Hexen wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
Hexen wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
^
What's wrong with going to bars and clubs?

Being in an environment where there are many people drinking a mind altering substance that affects judgment. Willfully putting yourself in that environment and allowing yourself to get drunk around strangers. Okay if you go as a couple, not so much going alone if you're in a relationship.


What if you are out with a group of friends?

If you get drunk willingly around strangers, or friends and your partner is not around; you put yourself in a bad situation to cheat. "I'm sorry I cheated on you, I was drunk." This goes for either sex. The only exception to this, is if you drink with family over a relatives house. Party girls are not good girlfriends.


If someone cannot go out for a drink with friends without their S.O without being at risk of cheating, then I'd say there are some deeper problems in the relationship...as I think most in relationships can handle some drinks without being at risk of cheating on their partner.

It's a red flag to me and I've NEVER seen a relationship where a women likes to go bar hopping last; not once.


I also agree with this. I can't stand the atmosphere and I thought that most Aspies wouldn't either because of all the noise. Anyone going to the bar really still wants to be single and play the field, IMO.

A Hunny + the bar scene = :thumbdown:


Well I enjoy going out for drinks with my boyfriend, and checking out different bars...some certainly are sh*tty but not like we have to stay at any we don't like. There are quite a few bars that have live metal/rock music and such and a couple heavy metal themed bars. Either way its fun for us to go out and drink as a couple, but too each their own.

Couple being the keyword.



MsV
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11 Jan 2017, 4:13 pm

hurtloam wrote:
MsV wrote:
Final clarification of reasons for my post:
- my intention was not to start a male or female bashing fest! There are tons of good guys and women and we all have our preferences. We're are different stages in our lives, have varying tolerances for example certain lifestyle choices (smoking drinking morning people coffee music blasters haha) etc
- My intention was simply to get educated. I keep finding that it's hard to recognize early signs of bad intentions in people. For example - and the thing that convinced me to ask - in the beginning things will seem great and then suddenly I'm being told what to do and how to think and that my attempts to voice an opinion are "cute" but always wrong and the same happens when I try to set boundaries.
Is it an AS thing that I can't recognize this kind of person and regardless of the previous answer, what are signs to look out for early in dating?


That's a good question. It would seem that it's easier for a manipulator to take advantage of someone who has a certain niavety about them. I've seen it in real life. And it worries me. I am shy, so I do wonder if the only person who would be bother making the effort to get my attention would be a sociopath. I'm not sure how to tell other than reading about how to spot a sociopath type articles online and videos on youtube.

I know a very quite person, my age, a bit niave, not great with people, ended up in an abusive marriage and is now getting a divorce. He was lovely at first, but she didn't see he was a bit off. I only met him once, so can't say how charming he seemed or what.

I think manipulators and narcissists go for someone who they think will be easily led. They want a cute little lamb.


That's my experience as well... I am work-smart, have learned most social rules but: do look younger, have been proven naive, people say I have an innocence about me and outside of the learned social rules I suck at interaction (and no one taught me to distinguish real from spoofed kindness etc and nope there are no books on this)...
It's kind of scary that this type of person seems drawn to me as if I'm wearing a glaring target on my back.



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11 Jan 2017, 4:17 pm

MsV wrote:
Hexen wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Hexen wrote:
So, I'm wrong because to be on the safe side I consider bar hopping a red flag, even though there may be a small percentage of women who goto bars and are decent? Do I have that right?

Yes, that's right. You might be missing out on a very nice young lady, due to your bias against bars, if you hear her talking about enjoying going to bars. You may assume differently to what she's meaning. I was just like, erm, excuse me, I go to bars and I'm not a ho. Neither are my friends. I had to speak up.

Hexen wrote:
Also, are you saying women here are never wrong and that women can just udnerstand how men feel?


No don't go to the extreme of saying that because I disagreed with one thing you said that I think all men must be wrong and all women are never wrong. I will call other women out on here as well if I disagree with them. If you ever see me saying something that you think misrepresents how men really feel then point it out. I have no problem with that. Just tell me.

I don't believe so, unless by bar you mean high class restaurant with a bar. I am talikng about clubs where people grind on each other and straight up bars, not fancy places.



Those are plain creepy. People bumping you constantly, sweaty drunk people... *runs and hides under covers* (not being sarcastic)

See, that is what I mean. A decent woman does not like being in THOSE place, especially while in a relationship UNLESS they go as a couple. Maybe most of you do not know what I meant as a bar. I forgot to mention parties as well...



MsV
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11 Jan 2017, 4:20 pm

Hexen wrote:
MsV wrote:
Hexen wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Hexen wrote:
So, I'm wrong because to be on the safe side I consider bar hopping a red flag, even though there may be a small percentage of women who goto bars and are decent? Do I have that right?

Yes, that's right. You might be missing out on a very nice young lady, due to your bias against bars, if you hear her talking about enjoying going to bars. You may assume differently to what she's meaning. I was just like, erm, excuse me, I go to bars and I'm not a ho. Neither are my friends. I had to speak up.

Hexen wrote:
Also, are you saying women here are never wrong and that women can just udnerstand how men feel?


No don't go to the extreme of saying that because I disagreed with one thing you said that I think all men must be wrong and all women are never wrong. I will call other women out on here as well if I disagree with them. If you ever see me saying something that you think misrepresents how men really feel then point it out. I have no problem with that. Just tell me.

I don't believe so, unless by bar you mean high class restaurant with a bar. I am talikng about clubs where people grind on each other and straight up bars, not fancy places.



Those are plain creepy. People bumping you constantly, sweaty drunk people... *runs and hides under covers* (not being sarcastic)

See, that is what I mean. A decent woman does not like being in THOSE place, especially while in a relationship UNLESS they go as a couple. Maybe most of you do not know what I meant as a bar. I forgot to mention parties as well...


Glad We were able to clear all that up 8)
Maybe it's different for NTs? But I never liked those places... way overstimulating :skull:



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11 Jan 2017, 4:23 pm

Hexen wrote:
Sweetleaf11 wrote:

Well I enjoy going out for drinks with my boyfriend, and checking out different bars...some certainly are sh*tty but not like we have to stay at any we don't like. There are quite a few bars that have live metal/rock music and such and a couple heavy metal themed bars. Either way its fun for us to go out and drink as a couple, but too each their own.

Couple being the keyword.


I would have no problem having some drinks if I went out with my sister or any friends without my boyfriend being there, if I was invited and he was busy or at work. I am committed to my relationship and am confident I would not be tempted to cheat.


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11 Jan 2017, 4:42 pm

I think the idea of hard and fast rules for red flags doesn't away work. People are complex beings.

Take things at you own pace. Relationships about respect, so it goes with out saying that both parties need to be considerate. If you are compatible you will be doing this anyway.

I don't mean some politically correct idea of a relationship, but being easy going around each other.

I think definite red flag is people who gravitate towards drama, or create it.



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11 Jan 2017, 4:52 pm

Well here's an annoying thing. For the past few weeks a video about spotting a narcisist has been popping up on my Youtube feed and the day I actually want it, it's no where to be see. Murphy's law.


Here's on that is a bit close to the bone. I started watching and I was like, um, this is a bit harsh, but give it a chance. He's got a gentle way of explaining things. Though this is his own opinion.



He does comedy videos too. This was the first serious one I came across and I was very confused. I was like, this is definitely not funny.



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11 Jan 2017, 5:02 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Hexen wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
He has his red flags; you have your red flags - why are you all attacking him?

He's not your boyfriend.


Here I am adding one:

Implying what others' red flags should be and shouldn't be is a red flag for me :p.


Thank you. Female members always attack the male members on at Wrongplanet.


That's because we feel like you guys don't understand the female perspective. It seems like you guys don't really know any women your own age and have no concept of how women really are with some of the things you come put with. Your references are older relatives and clichés from TV and movies and the clichés perpetuated in forums like this.


Jeez....this is kinda...offensive, hurtloam. And this actually the second time you mention a such thing. You said the same context in another post and it raised my eyebrow.

Something like "You guys on WP don't know any women of your age in your life"

What do you think of us? Living crawled under some rock?

Ok, I may be typically aspie by not being very social nor I am having a vivid social life right now (most of my friends moved...got married...went abroad....etc), but I certainly knew/know women of my own age in my life.

Here's some proof for you (and yet I hate taking photos, I take a photo like once in ages), I know some and I knew plenty.

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

... and I think most of us guys don't live under a rock or in a underground basement as you are trying to paint us lately.

and you out of all members, you can tell that these are really my photos.



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 11 Jan 2017, 5:50 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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11 Jan 2017, 5:11 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Jeez....this is kinda...offensive, hurtloam. And this actually the second time you mention a such thing. You said the same context in another post and it raised my eyebrow.

"You guys on WP don't know any women in your life"

What do you think of us? Living crawled under some rock?
QUOTE TREE TRIMMED
... and I think most of us guys don't live under a rock or in a underground basement as you are trying to paint us.



Ah, I should re-phrase. I feel like some things said here that men say about women are not understanding of women's motivation or prespective. I feel like I know a few alternative opinions because I am a woman who has female friends who tell me things that they wouldn't tell their male friends.

What I mean is you guys are not as close as a woman is to her female friends and won't be told things that I've been told, things other women here have been told by their female friends.

You're right, I shouldn't have said it like that. Although, I think there are some guys here who don't associate with women closely at all.



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11 Jan 2017, 5:18 pm

hurtloam wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Jeez....this is kinda...offensive, hurtloam. And this actually the second time you mention a such thing. You said the same context in another post and it raised my eyebrow.

"You guys on WP don't know any women in your life"

What do you think of us? Living crawled under some rock?
QUOTE TREE TRIMMED
... and I think most of us guys don't live under a rock or in a underground basement as you are trying to paint us.



Ah, I should re-phrase. I feel like some things said here that men say about women are not understanding of women's motivation or prespective. I feel like I know a few alternative opinions because I am a woman who has female friends who tell me things that they wouldn't tell their male friends.

What I mean is you guys are not as close as a woman is to her female friends and won't be told things that I've been told, things other women here have been told by their female friends.

You're right, I shouldn't have said it like that. Although, I think there are some guys here who don't associate with women closely at all.



And this is probably due to lack of relationship experience rather than friendship experience with women.

There's undeniably a social barrier between men and women, there are things that one sex don't talk about in front of the opposite sex (in real life, not on boards), and this is cross cultural btw.

So even if a guy has 1000 female friends, he will only gain knowledge about women to a limit because there are things that these 1000 female friends won't talk about them to him.

It's only the women whom a guy have/had intimate/sexual relationships with that allow a guy to gain by far further understanding about women (there's no such "barrier" anymore) ; and I am talking based on some experiences.



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 11 Jan 2017, 5:25 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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11 Jan 2017, 5:21 pm

I know women my age but there are some things I wouldn't confide in them with. There are some sensitive topics I don't discuss with members of the opposite sex. Some topics that are outside of their experience.

I don't understand what it's like to be a woman. Women don't understand what it's like to be a man. There are some experiences that can't cross the gender divide.

I'm not talking about things resulting from obvious anatomical differences, I'm talking about cultural experiences.


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11 Jan 2017, 5:23 pm

I think both sides need more empathy and open mindedness and both sides need to not get mad when something breaks their narrative.


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