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Red flags in dating? Early stages

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RetroGamer87
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11 Jan 2017, 5:23 pm

I think both sides need more empathy and open mindedness and both sides need to not get mad when something breaks their narrative.


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hurtloam
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11 Jan 2017, 5:24 pm

Fair enough. I can see how what I said is insulting, I didn't actually mean it to be. :oops: If I say any more I'll dig a hole for myself... but one more thing. I just thought it was an explanation of the weirdness of some of the ideas I see written here that some men have about women.



RetroGamer87
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11 Jan 2017, 5:26 pm

Don't feel bad hurtloam. Everyone makes mistakes. Try to forgive yourself.


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hurtloam
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11 Jan 2017, 5:29 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
Don't feel bad hurtloam. Everyone makes mistakes. Try to forgive yourself.


Well, I'm not beating myself in lamentation... lets not get carried away*

Back to narcissists. How to spot them, how to avoid getting taken in.


*I'm a leper, don't touch me. (That's a joke for only those who understand my username).



nurseangela
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11 Jan 2017, 5:34 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
Hexen wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Hexen wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
Hexen wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
^
What's wrong with going to bars and clubs?

Being in an environment where there are many people drinking a mind altering substance that affects judgment. Willfully putting yourself in that environment and allowing yourself to get drunk around strangers. Okay if you go as a couple, not so much going alone if you're in a relationship.


What if you are out with a group of friends?

If you get drunk willingly around strangers, or friends and your partner is not around; you put yourself in a bad situation to cheat. "I'm sorry I cheated on you, I was drunk." This goes for either sex. The only exception to this, is if you drink with family over a relatives house. Party girls are not good girlfriends.


If someone cannot go out for a drink with friends without their S.O without being at risk of cheating, then I'd say there are some deeper problems in the relationship...as I think most in relationships can handle some drinks without being at risk of cheating on their partner.

It's a red flag to me and I've NEVER seen a relationship where a women likes to go bar hopping last; not once.


I also agree with this. I can't stand the atmosphere and I thought that most Aspies wouldn't either because of all the noise. Anyone going to the bar really still wants to be single and play the field, IMO.

A Hunny + the bar scene = :thumbdown:


Well I enjoy going out for drinks with my boyfriend, and checking out different bars...some certainly are sh*tty but not like we have to stay at any we don't like. There are quite a few bars that have live metal/rock music and such and a couple heavy metal themed bars. Either way its fun for us to go out and drink as a couple, but too each their own.


But the two of you go out to these bars together - we were talking about going to them by yourself or with your girlfriends.


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cricketman123
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11 Jan 2017, 5:37 pm

could somebody answer my questions on the threads/thread i made

thanks :)



Alliekit
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11 Jan 2017, 5:54 pm

Hexen wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
Hexen wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
^
What's wrong with going to bars and clubs?

Being in an environment where there are many people drinking a mind altering substance that affects judgment. Willfully putting yourself in that environment and allowing yourself to get drunk around strangers. Okay if you go as a couple, not so much going alone if you're in a relationship.


What if you are out with a group of friends?

If you get drunk willingly around strangers, or friends and your partner is not around; you put yourself in a bad situation to cheat. "I'm sorry I cheated on you, I was drunk." This goes for either sex. The only exception to this, is if you drink with family over a relatives house. Party girls are not good girlfriends.


That is an incredibly judgemental view. I enjoy going to the bar with my friends. It's fun we socialise we dance we drink. I am in a strictly monogamous relationship and being drunk wont make you cheat unless you had already considered it



League_Girl
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11 Jan 2017, 5:55 pm

nurseangela wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
In response to someone's post who wrote about someone could have an ASD or a personality disorder, I don't care what disorder anyone has, if any of your behavior is toxic and overwhelming for me and it's going cause you to do abuse and control me and bring down my low self esteem and give me anxiety and be so cold towards me and non empathetic and non understanding, and bring me into depression, you're out of here. A label doesn't matter, only the behavior does and how you make me feel and how well you treat me. Being a martyr isn't good for you and either is white knighting.


Now more red flags: Trying to get me to cut off friends just because they are not the right gender and getting mad at me for who I talk to. I bet my ex would have also gotten mad at me if I wanted to go out with friends or go to groups and he tried to get me to cut off my online friends who weren't female and telling me I can only talk to aspie ones. Really I shouldn't have to go online and then ignore anyone who isn't a woman and imagine if someone sent me a PM and I ignore it because they were a guy? What kind of life would that be not being able to interact with anyone online unless they were a woman?


Trust issues is also another red flag.


"Now more red flags: Trying to get me to cut off friends just because they are not the right gender and getting mad at me for who I talk to. I bet my ex would have also gotten mad at me if I wanted to go out with friends or go to groups and he tried to get me to cut off my online friends who weren't female and telling me I can only talk to aspie ones. Really I shouldn't have to go online and then ignore anyone who isn't a woman and imagine if someone sent me a PM and I ignore it because they were a guy? What kind of life would that be not being able to interact with anyone online unless they were a woman?"

I see this as a big red flag. I had set up a thread just on this topic about how men and women can't just be friends. If I had a Hunny with several "girl" friends - not going to work out. It's a recipe for disaster. I see this setup being ok for a lot of Aspies, but IMO, NT women do not go for it.



I'm lost. Are you trying to say men and women can't be friends and someone who will talk to anyone online is a red flag?

I talk to anyone online. Gender doesn't matter and I am not looking for a relationship or for a hook up. If I go to a group, it doesn't matter who is there and who I talk to. Gender doesn't matter. I am not looking for a relationship. BTW when I respond to posts here, I am sure talking to someone here and should I not reply to a post here because it was posted by a guy? That is how controlling it felt for me by my ex.

My husband plays online games and I don't really care who he talks to on there. I know he has talked to females on there but it's just normal chats and I never made him dump his online friends who were female he met from the game.


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Alliekit
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11 Jan 2017, 5:58 pm

Luhluhluh wrote:
Hexen wrote:
MsV wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Hexen wrote:
It's a red flag to me and I've NEVER seen a relationship where a women likes to go bar hopping last; not once.


What's a red flag to you exactly, just if a girl is out somewhere having drinks?

And well in my relationship me and my boyfriend drink at home, we have also gone out to bars and such to drink as well....you've never seen a woman in a relationship who enjoys going out to bars and drinking?


To me not wanting your SO to go hang out with their friends and dance at a club for example, would be a red flag. Maybe it's lack of understanding that a girls' night does not generally include interacting with men so much as acting a fool with your girls (like litterally just dancing and laughing and telling people who would intrude on this fun to 'pish off'). If your SO wanted to be with someone else, a bar / club is not the only place they could step out. But then again, if they want to step out they shouldn't be with you imo...
So I guess it comes down to respect and trust and the stability of the relationship. But barring them from doing things, is not going to alleviate any potential risk. I think anyway.

It doesn't come down to preventing them from doing anything, it comes down to having a partner that doesn't live that life-style in the first place.


I would consider it a red flag to have a boyfriend who didn't want me to go out with my girlfriends to happy hour because he equates drinking alcohol to a loose lifestyle or something.


I will drink to that :wink: being judgemental is a massive red flag to me.

Imagine walking into a place and looking down on everyone, would put me right off



Alliekit
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11 Jan 2017, 6:00 pm

Hexen wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Hexen wrote:
It's a red flag to me and I've NEVER seen a relationship where a women likes to go bar hopping last; not once.


What's a red flag to you exactly, just if a girl is out somewhere having drinks?

And well in my relationship me and my boyfriend drink at home, we have also gone out to bars and such to drink as well....you've never seen a woman in a relationship who enjoys going out to bars and drinking?

No in an exclusive relationship, no.


nice to meet you I'm engaged and love to go out for a drink with my friends and coursemates

There's nothing wrong with going to a good ole pub having a few drinks and dicussing how our studies and experiments are going or just random s**t :lol:



Last edited by Alliekit on 11 Jan 2017, 6:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Luhluhluh
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11 Jan 2017, 6:08 pm

Alliekit wrote:
Hexen wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Hexen wrote:
It's a red flag to me and I've NEVER seen a relationship where a women likes to go bar hopping last; not once.


What's a red flag to you exactly, just if a girl is out somewhere having drinks?

And well in my relationship me and my boyfriend drink at home, we have also gone out to bars and such to drink as well....you've never seen a woman in a relationship who enjoys going out to bars and drinking?

No in an exclusive relationship, no.


nice to meet you I'm engaged and love to go out for a drink with my friends and coursemates


Agreed, nice to meet you both. I've been with the same Aspie for more than 12 years and go out with my co-workers (CO-ED co-workers lol) sometimes for happy hour at the local pub.

Never cheated. Never even thought about it.


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MsV
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11 Jan 2017, 8:00 pm

0_equals_true wrote:
I think the idea of hard and fast rules for red flags doesn't away work. People are complex beings.

Take things at you own pace. Relationships about respect, so it goes with out saying that both parties need to be considerate. If you are compatible you will be doing this anyway.

I don't mean some politically correct idea of a relationship, but being easy going around each other.

I think definite red flag is people who gravitate towards drama, or create it.



So disregarding multiple requests to back off after crossing various boundaries - before even really dating - by still texting... in your opinion? I'm serious, your answer seems really rational.
Atm I feel really rude not replying but don't want to make him think i want contact after he actually scared me and just seeing his name pop up makes me really stess out. He's trying to guilt me into answering and I'm worried about either course of action.



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11 Jan 2017, 8:03 pm

MsV wrote:
0_equals_true wrote:
I think the idea of hard and fast rules for red flags doesn't away work. People are complex beings.

Take things at you own pace. Relationships about respect, so it goes with out saying that both parties need to be considerate. If you are compatible you will be doing this anyway.

I don't mean some politically correct idea of a relationship, but being easy going around each other.

I think definite red flag is people who gravitate towards drama, or create it.



So disregarding multiple requests to back off after crossing various boundaries - before even really dating - by still texting... in your opinion? I'm serious, your answer seems really rational.
Atm I feel really rude not replying but don't want to make him think i want contact after he actually scared me and just seeing his name pop up makes me really stess out. He's trying to guilt me into answering and I'm worried about either course of action.
That leaves you with only 2 options, and if the guy takes rejection badly they'll take it badly either way. Do what makes you comfortable. You're only in the dating stage.


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11 Jan 2017, 8:06 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Well here's an annoying thing. For the past few weeks a video about spotting a narcisist has been popping up on my Youtube feed and the day I actually want it, it's no where to be see. Murphy's law.


Here's on that is a bit close to the bone. I started watching and I was like, um, this is a bit harsh, but give it a chance. He's got a gentle way of explaining things. Though this is his own opinion.



He does comedy videos too. This was the first serious one I came across and I was very confused. I was like, this is definitely not funny.



Thanks so much I thought I was finally done and that my point had come across but he's messaging me again and I don't know how to react. If I don't reply it's probably rude but if I do it may restart everything. Thing is once again he said: no more contact till you initiate. Once again he does not keep his word (it's only been 2 days)... I feel like crap either way. And we were friends for a long time before so blocking him is harsh? Or something? I don't get these situations. Me and my friends and family don't really act like this. Damn this even had me messing up my grammar. My friends, family and I. :|



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11 Jan 2017, 8:10 pm

TheSpectrum wrote:
MsV wrote:
0_equals_true wrote:
I think the idea of hard and fast rules for red flags doesn't away work. People are complex beings.

Take things at you own pace. Relationships about respect, so it goes with out saying that both parties need to be considerate. If you are compatible you will be doing this anyway.

I don't mean some politically correct idea of a relationship, but being easy going around each other.

I think definite red flag is people who gravitate towards drama, or create it.



So disregarding multiple requests to back off after crossing various boundaries - before even really dating - by still texting... in your opinion? I'm serious, your answer seems really rational.
Atm I feel really rude not replying but don't want to make him think i want contact after he actually scared me and just seeing his name pop up makes me really stess out. He's trying to guilt me into answering and I'm worried about either course of action.
That leaves you with only 2 options, and if the guy takes rejection badly they'll take it badly either way. Do what makes you comfortable. You're only in the dating stage.


Not even dating, considering the idea of dating (we're not in the same country but both fairly mobile), were supposed to meet face to face in march. But we were friends before - like work in the same field and started talking about work. I probably over shared and he figured out what to say to make me consider dating. I usually don't... I'm an idiot... :cry:



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11 Jan 2017, 8:26 pm

Just a quick thanks to all of you. Though I would have a total shutdown when I first posted, just driving myself insane doubting myself and whether or not I did one/multiple things / everything wrong.

You made me feel like I wasnt alone. Like its ok to have boundaries and preferences and in short individuality. In a way have me the strength to stand by them. So thanks. It helped more than you know.

Now I'm proud I stood by my convictions for once.
I just wish he would leave me alone...