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Red flags in dating? Early stages

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Hexen
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11 Jan 2017, 3:49 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Hexen wrote:
Annnd what makes you guys experts on the male perspective?


We are experts in knowing when a man is telling us how we feel isn't how we feel. We should be allowed to point out that you are wrong.

I know plenty of non wild young women, though you'd probably overlook us in a bar. We'd be the ones minding our own business and having a good laugh in the corner. We're not to flush with money, so we'll maybe only have one or 2 cocktails and no one will notice us because we don't get rowdy.

Hexen wrote:
Why are you not addressing the woman on this forum that agrees with me? Is she right, while I'm wrong even though we agree?


I have, further up ^^
Everyone is typing so fast it's hard to get a post in!

So, I'm wrong because to be on the safe side I consider bar hopping a red flag, even though there may be a small percentage of women who goto bars and are decent? Do I have that right? Also, are you saying women here are never wrong and that women can just udnerstand how men feel?



nurseangela
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11 Jan 2017, 3:53 pm

MsV wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
In response to someone's post who wrote about someone could have an ASD or a personality disorder, I don't care what disorder anyone has, if any of your behavior is toxic and overwhelming for me and it's going cause you to do abuse and control me and bring down my low self esteem and give me anxiety and be so cold towards me and non empathetic and non understanding, and bring me into depression, you're out of here. A label doesn't matter, only the behavior does and how you make me feel and how well you treat me. Being a martyr isn't good for you and either is white knighting.


Now more red flags: Trying to get me to cut off friends just because they are not the right gender and getting mad at me for who I talk to. I bet my ex would have also gotten mad at me if I wanted to go out with friends or go to groups and he tried to get me to cut off my online friends who weren't female and telling me I can only talk to aspie ones. Really I shouldn't have to go online and then ignore anyone who isn't a woman and imagine if someone sent me a PM and I ignore it because they were a guy? What kind of life would that be not being able to interact with anyone online unless they were a woman?


Trust issues is also another red flag.


"Now more red flags: Trying to get me to cut off friends just because they are not the right gender and getting mad at me for who I talk to. I bet my ex would have also gotten mad at me if I wanted to go out with friends or go to groups and he tried to get me to cut off my online friends who weren't female and telling me I can only talk to aspie ones. Really I shouldn't have to go online and then ignore anyone who isn't a woman and imagine if someone sent me a PM and I ignore it because they were a guy? What kind of life would that be not being able to interact with anyone online unless they were a woman?"

I see this as a big red flag. I had set up a thread just on this topic about how men and women can't just be friends. If I had a Hunny with several "girl" friends - not going to work out. It's a recipe for disaster. I see this setup being ok for a lot of Aspies, but IMO, NT women do not go for it.


So no team building activities with people of the opposite gender?
I don't believe men and women can't be friends and have some long term male best friends. If we had wanted to "hook up" or whatever they're calling it now, we really could have / would have in those years.
I guess it depends on the person and whether or not there's open communication and trust.
I also think cheaters don't care what boundaries are set since the act of cheating in itself crosses loads of them... they're not respectful people. Period.


Some of that is true. One of my Aspie guy friends once said "If someone wants to cheat, then they will." I also think that you can set yourself up (unknowingly) to cheat. It's kind of like the alcohol thing - if you're an alcoholic and you are around alcohol, then the chance of drinking goes up considerably. Same with men and women. You put a sad, unhappy, married women who just had a fight with her Hunny in a room with a bunch of male friends something is bound to happen - add a little alcohol to the mix and something is going to happen.


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hurtloam
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11 Jan 2017, 3:54 pm

nurseangela wrote:
If you really want to just meet up with your girlfriends for a drink, then go to a bar and grill. I don't see a reason to go to a bar that has loud music and dancing and drunks. If you want to go to those places, then take you Hunny for a drink and a dance. For myself, I'd rather go to a more expensive restaurant with slow dancing. It didn't take me long to get tired of the bar scene even when I was younger. It's just a bunch of drunks wanting a quick pickup.


I'm not going to quote you're other post because of the nighmare it is on this busy thread trying to get a post in, but I don't want an excessively drunk guy either. I don't mind a bit of drinking, a little merriness perhaps from time to time, but if someone has to depend on alcohol to have fun, that's a red flag to me.

Yeah, I think it does depend on the bar. There's a bar I like in a hotel that has live musicians playing. There was a girl playing the harp last time I was there. There's a restaurant I like that has a bar in the basement and they have live rock bands and it's good fun to go down there and dance with my friends, but I've never been into the banging club thing. Tried a few clubs when I was younger and I just don't like that kind of music.

I am learning that the term "bar" is as subjective as the term "red flag".



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11 Jan 2017, 3:55 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Hexen wrote:
Annnd what makes you guys experts on the male perspective?


We are experts in knowing when a man is telling us how we feel isn't how we feel. We should be allowed to point out that you are wrong.

Well anyone can do that.


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nurseangela
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11 Jan 2017, 3:56 pm

hurtloam wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
If you really want to just meet up with your girlfriends for a drink, then go to a bar and grill. I don't see a reason to go to a bar that has loud music and dancing and drunks. If you want to go to those places, then take you Hunny for a drink and a dance. For myself, I'd rather go to a more expensive restaurant with slow dancing. It didn't take me long to get tired of the bar scene even when I was younger. It's just a bunch of drunks wanting a quick pickup.


I'm not going to quote you're other post because of the nighmare it is on this busy thread trying to get a post in, but I don't want an excessively drunk guy either. I don't mind a bit of drinking, a little merriness perhaps from time to time, but if someone has to depend on alcohol to have fun, that's a red flag to me.

Yeah, I think it does depend on the bar. There's a bar I like in a hotel that has live musicians playing. There was a girl playing the harp last time I was there. There's a restaurant I like that has a bar in the basement and they have live rock bands and it's good fun to go down there and dance with my friends, but I've never been into the banging club thing. Tried a few clubs when I was younger and I just don't like that kind of music.

I am learning that the term "bar" is as subjective as the term "red flag".


I would love to go to a hotel bar where there is really good piano music (with my Hunny, of course) and dancing. That sounds like fun! I'd even drink a really strong Shirley Temple! :mrgreen:


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Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
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Darn, I flunked.


Last edited by nurseangela on 11 Jan 2017, 3:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MsV
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11 Jan 2017, 3:57 pm

Final clarification of reasons for my post:
- my intention was not to start a male or female bashing fest! There are tons of good guys and women and we all have our preferences. We're are different stages in our lives, have varying tolerances for example certain lifestyle choices (smoking drinking morning people coffee music blasters haha) etc
- My intention was simply to get educated. I keep finding that it's hard to recognize early signs of bad intentions in people. For example - and the thing that convinced me to ask - in the beginning things will seem great and then suddenly I'm being told what to do and how to think and that my attempts to voice an opinion are "cute" but always wrong and the same happens when I try to set boundaries.
Is it an AS thing that I can't recognize this kind of person and regardless of the previous answer, what are signs to look out for early in dating?



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11 Jan 2017, 3:59 pm

nurseangela wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
If you really want to just meet up with your girlfriends for a drink, then go to a bar and grill. I don't see a reason to go to a bar that has loud music and dancing and drunks. If you want to go to those places, then take you Hunny for a drink and a dance. For myself, I'd rather go to a more expensive restaurant with slow dancing. It didn't take me long to get tired of the bar scene even when I was younger. It's just a bunch of drunks wanting a quick pickup.


I'm not going to quote you're other post because of the nighmare it is on this busy thread trying to get a post in, but I don't want an excessively drunk guy either. I don't mind a bit of drinking, a little merriness perhaps from time to time, but if someone has to depend on alcohol to have fun, that's a red flag to me.

Yeah, I think it does depend on the bar. There's a bar I like in a hotel that has live musicians playing. There was a girl playing the harp last time I was there. There's a restaurant I like that has a bar in the basement and they have live rock bands and it's good fun to go down there and dance with my friends, but I've never been into the banging club thing. Tried a few clubs when I was younger and I just don't like that kind of music.

I am learning that the term "bar" is as subjective as the term "red flag".


I would love to go to a hotel bar where there is really good piano music (with my Hunny, of course) and dancing. That sounds like fun!


We have amazing lounge restaurant/bar places where they have jazz or other live music. It really is worth the 1% random drunk person irritation for the 99% amazing ambiance.



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11 Jan 2017, 4:00 pm

selflessness wrote:
Why can't we all just be nice to one another and not assume the worst??


There's an idea.


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11 Jan 2017, 4:00 pm

Hexen wrote:
So, I'm wrong because to be on the safe side I consider bar hopping a red flag, even though there may be a small percentage of women who goto bars and are decent? Do I have that right?

Yes, that's right. You might be missing out on a very nice young lady, due to your bias against bars, if you hear her talking about enjoying going to bars. You may assume differently to what she's meaning. I was just like, erm, excuse me, I go to bars and I'm not a ho. Neither are my friends. I had to speak up.

Hexen wrote:
Also, are you saying women here are never wrong and that women can just udnerstand how men feel?


No don't go to the extreme of saying that because I disagreed with one thing you said that I think all men must be wrong and all women are never wrong. I will call other women out on here as well if I disagree with them. If you ever see me saying something that you think misrepresents how men really feel then point it out. I have no problem with that. Just tell me.



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11 Jan 2017, 4:01 pm

I'm getting the idea that some people haven't been out much if they think all bars are loud, crazy places. I live in the cold snowy north where we have nice quiet little pubs. Sometimes there's a little music, and sometimes they have a game on, but usually it's just people getting together to have a beer or a hot toddy on a cold day.


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11 Jan 2017, 4:01 pm

whatamievendoing wrote:
MsV wrote:
- saying any guy who shows you kindness is just trying to get in your pants


While there's no denying that such individuals exist, you do need to take note that by no means is every man like that. I for one represent the type that's kind out of general courtesy towards everyone.


I think she is saying people who say that are the red flag not people that do that.



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11 Jan 2017, 4:02 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
selflessness wrote:
Why can't we all just be nice to one another and not assume the worst??


There's an idea.


The last time someone suggested that idea we nailed him to a tree.


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11 Jan 2017, 4:03 pm

nurseangela wrote:
MsV wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
In response to someone's post who wrote about someone could have an ASD or a personality disorder, I don't care what disorder anyone has, if any of your behavior is toxic and overwhelming for me and it's going cause you to do abuse and control me and bring down my low self esteem and give me anxiety and be so cold towards me and non empathetic and non understanding, and bring me into depression, you're out of here. A label doesn't matter, only the behavior does and how you make me feel and how well you treat me. Being a martyr isn't good for you and either is white knighting.


Now more red flags: Trying to get me to cut off friends just because they are not the right gender and getting mad at me for who I talk to. I bet my ex would have also gotten mad at me if I wanted to go out with friends or go to groups and he tried to get me to cut off my online friends who weren't female and telling me I can only talk to aspie ones. Really I shouldn't have to go online and then ignore anyone who isn't a woman and imagine if someone sent me a PM and I ignore it because they were a guy? What kind of life would that be not being able to interact with anyone online unless they were a woman?


Trust issues is also another red flag.


"Now more red flags: Trying to get me to cut off friends just because they are not the right gender and getting mad at me for who I talk to. I bet my ex would have also gotten mad at me if I wanted to go out with friends or go to groups and he tried to get me to cut off my online friends who weren't female and telling me I can only talk to aspie ones. Really I shouldn't have to go online and then ignore anyone who isn't a woman and imagine if someone sent me a PM and I ignore it because they were a guy? What kind of life would that be not being able to interact with anyone online unless they were a woman?"

I see this as a big red flag. I had set up a thread just on this topic about how men and women can't just be friends. If I had a Hunny with several "girl" friends - not going to work out. It's a recipe for disaster. I see this setup being ok for a lot of Aspies, but IMO, NT women do not go for it.


So no team building activities with people of the opposite gender?
I don't believe men and women can't be friends and have some long term male best friends. If we had wanted to "hook up" or whatever they're calling it now, we really could have / would have in those years.
I guess it depends on the person and whether or not there's open communication and trust.
I also think cheaters don't care what boundaries are set since the act of cheating in itself crosses loads of them... they're not respectful people. Period.


Some of that is true. One of my Aspie guy friends once said "If someone wants to cheat, then they will." I also think that you can set yourself up (unknowingly) to cheat. It's kind of like the alcohol thing - if you're an alcoholic and you are around alcohol, then the chance of drinking goes up considerably. Same with men and women. You put a sad, unhappy, married women who just had a fight with her Hunny in a room with a bunch of male friends something is bound to happen - add a little alcohol to the mix and something is going to happen.


My male friends respect me too much to ever take advantage of me. Proof: we've all been friends since college and they took me to hospital when my drink got drugged. So they had alllll the chance the would have needed.
Even in the aforementioned scenario, nothing would happen. They would simply start feeding me water :lol:



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11 Jan 2017, 4:05 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Hexen wrote:
So, I'm wrong because to be on the safe side I consider bar hopping a red flag, even though there may be a small percentage of women who goto bars and are decent? Do I have that right?

Yes, that's right. You might be missing out on a very nice young lady, due to your bias against bars, if you hear her talking about enjoying going to bars. You may assume differently to what she's meaning. I was just like, erm, excuse me, I go to bars and I'm not a ho. Neither are my friends. I had to speak up.

Hexen wrote:
Also, are you saying women here are never wrong and that women can just udnerstand how men feel?


No don't go to the extreme of saying that because I disagreed with one thing you said that I think all men must be wrong and all women are never wrong. I will call other women out on here as well if I disagree with them. If you ever see me saying something that you think misrepresents how men really feel then point it out. I have no problem with that. Just tell me.

I don't believe so, unless by bar you mean high class restaurant with a bar. I am talikng about clubs where people grind on each other and straight up bars, not fancy places.



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11 Jan 2017, 4:06 pm

MsV wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
MsV wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
In response to someone's post who wrote about someone could have an ASD or a personality disorder, I don't care what disorder anyone has, if any of your behavior is toxic and overwhelming for me and it's going cause you to do abuse and control me and bring down my low self esteem and give me anxiety and be so cold towards me and non empathetic and non understanding, and bring me into depression, you're out of here. A label doesn't matter, only the behavior does and how you make me feel and how well you treat me. Being a martyr isn't good for you and either is white knighting.


Now more red flags: Trying to get me to cut off friends just because they are not the right gender and getting mad at me for who I talk to. I bet my ex would have also gotten mad at me if I wanted to go out with friends or go to groups and he tried to get me to cut off my online friends who weren't female and telling me I can only talk to aspie ones. Really I shouldn't have to go online and then ignore anyone who isn't a woman and imagine if someone sent me a PM and I ignore it because they were a guy? What kind of life would that be not being able to interact with anyone online unless they were a woman?


Trust issues is also another red flag.


"Now more red flags: Trying to get me to cut off friends just because they are not the right gender and getting mad at me for who I talk to. I bet my ex would have also gotten mad at me if I wanted to go out with friends or go to groups and he tried to get me to cut off my online friends who weren't female and telling me I can only talk to aspie ones. Really I shouldn't have to go online and then ignore anyone who isn't a woman and imagine if someone sent me a PM and I ignore it because they were a guy? What kind of life would that be not being able to interact with anyone online unless they were a woman?"

I see this as a big red flag. I had set up a thread just on this topic about how men and women can't just be friends. If I had a Hunny with several "girl" friends - not going to work out. It's a recipe for disaster. I see this setup being ok for a lot of Aspies, but IMO, NT women do not go for it.


So no team building activities with people of the opposite gender?
I don't believe men and women can't be friends and have some long term male best friends. If we had wanted to "hook up" or whatever they're calling it now, we really could have / would have in those years.
I guess it depends on the person and whether or not there's open communication and trust.
I also think cheaters don't care what boundaries are set since the act of cheating in itself crosses loads of them... they're not respectful people. Period.


Some of that is true. One of my Aspie guy friends once said "If someone wants to cheat, then they will." I also think that you can set yourself up (unknowingly) to cheat. It's kind of like the alcohol thing - if you're an alcoholic and you are around alcohol, then the chance of drinking goes up considerably. Same with men and women. You put a sad, unhappy, married women who just had a fight with her Hunny in a room with a bunch of male friends something is bound to happen - add a little alcohol to the mix and something is going to happen.


My male friends respect me too much to ever take advantage of me. Proof: we've all been friends since college and they took me to hospital when my drink got drugged. So they had alllll the chance the would have needed.
Even in the aforementioned scenario, nothing would happen. They would simply start feeding me water :lol:


I should hope so! That's just normal human decency.


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11 Jan 2017, 4:07 pm

Hexen wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Hexen wrote:
So, I'm wrong because to be on the safe side I consider bar hopping a red flag, even though there may be a small percentage of women who goto bars and are decent? Do I have that right?

Yes, that's right. You might be missing out on a very nice young lady, due to your bias against bars, if you hear her talking about enjoying going to bars. You may assume differently to what she's meaning. I was just like, erm, excuse me, I go to bars and I'm not a ho. Neither are my friends. I had to speak up.

Hexen wrote:
Also, are you saying women here are never wrong and that women can just udnerstand how men feel?


No don't go to the extreme of saying that because I disagreed with one thing you said that I think all men must be wrong and all women are never wrong. I will call other women out on here as well if I disagree with them. If you ever see me saying something that you think misrepresents how men really feel then point it out. I have no problem with that. Just tell me.

I don't believe so, unless by bar you mean high class restaurant with a bar. I am talikng about clubs where people grind on each other and straight up bars, not fancy places.



Those are plain creepy. People bumping you constantly, sweaty drunk people... *runs and hides under covers* (not being sarcastic)