Red flags in dating? Early stages

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Alliekit
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11 Jan 2017, 6:29 am

Hexen wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
^
What's wrong with going to bars and clubs?

Being in an environment where there are many people drinking a mind altering substance that affects judgment. Willfully putting yourself in that environment and allowing yourself to get drunk around strangers. Okay if you go as a couple, not so much going alone if you're in a relationship.


What if you are out with a group of friends?



Alliekit
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11 Jan 2017, 6:32 am

Aspie1 wrote:
Here are the red flags I observed in all of my past relationships, actual and potential, as a straight man.

Action: Talks emphatically about how she's already [age between 28 and 36] and not getting any younger.
Meaning: She's desperate to settle down with a provider-type man right away, at any cost to her or me.
Danger: She will "trap" me by secretly going off the birth control pill or rubbing a used condom into her "self".

Action: Yells at me on our second date.
Meaning: Narcissistic or obnoxiously self-entitled.
Danger: The yelling will keep getting worse and worse, until the breakup or me going insane.

Action: Willing to have sex with me on a first date, even though I'm not tough or attractive.
Meaning: Possible use of sex as leverage.
Danger: Risk of paying the price later, such as giving instant commitment or having to do excessive favors.

Action: Refuses to take any kind of public transportation, even when it's perfectly safe to do so.
Meaning: Princess complex and/or life-stopping irrational fear.
Danger: Damn impossible to do anything involving alcohol, and always having to chauffeur her around.

Action: Doesn't want to go anywhere fun, and only wants to sit around and talk.
Meaning: Difficult to please and/or a staunch homebody.
Danger: The relationship is going to be very boring.

Action: Lacks any threatening elements I've come to expect from women who are interested in me.
Meaning: I don't know.
Danger: Feeling guilty about starting a relationship with her.


Just a question what if she is afraid of public transport but will go on ot if it's absolutely necessary? (This is curiousity not like a jab or disagreement)



Aspie1
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11 Jan 2017, 7:42 am

Alliekit wrote:
Just a question what if she is afraid of public transport but will go on ot if it's absolutely necessary? (This is curiousity not like a jab or disagreement)
In my experience with people who have that fear, there is no "absolutely necessary". If driving is impossible (she can't drive somewhere, and I refuse because I know there'll be traffic) and fear prevents her from taking a train, she just won't go.

My exes were actually OK with public transit at least sometimes. (Other times, they'd react like I described). But I knew a few other women who weren't, and avoided them.



nurseangela
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11 Jan 2017, 8:15 am

Aspie1 wrote:
Here are the red flags I observed in all of my past relationships, actual and potential, as a straight man.

Action: Talks emphatically about how she's already [age between 28 and 36] and not getting any younger.
Meaning: She's desperate to settle down with a provider-type man right away, at any cost to her or me.
Danger: She will "trap" me by secretly going off the birth control pill or rubbing a used condom into her "self".

Action: Yells at me on our second date.
Meaning: Narcissistic or obnoxiously self-entitled.
Danger: The yelling will keep getting worse and worse, until the breakup or me going insane.

Action: Willing to have sex with me on a first date, even though I'm not tough or attractive.
Meaning: Possible use of sex as leverage.
Danger: Risk of paying the price later, such as giving instant commitment or having to do excessive favors.

Action: Refuses to take any kind of public transportation, even when it's perfectly safe to do so.
Meaning: Princess complex and/or life-stopping irrational fear.
Danger: Damn impossible to do anything involving alcohol, and always having to chauffeur her around.

Action: Doesn't want to go anywhere fun, and only wants to sit around and talk.
Meaning: Difficult to please and/or a staunch homebody.
Danger: The relationship is going to be very boring.

Action: Lacks any threatening elements I've come to expect from women who are interested in me.
Meaning: I don't know.
Danger: Feeling guilty about starting a relationship with her.


This sounds too complicated. I think that I'd rather stay home with the cat and wash my hair.


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nurseangela
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11 Jan 2017, 8:18 am

Aspie1 wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
Just a question what if she is afraid of public transport but will go on ot if it's absolutely necessary? (This is curiousity not like a jab or disagreement)
In my experience with people who have that fear, there is no "absolutely necessary". If driving is impossible (she can't drive somewhere, and I refuse because I know there'll be traffic) and fear prevents her from taking a train, she just won't go.

My exes were actually OK with public transit at least sometimes. (Other times, they'd react like I described). But I knew a few other women who weren't, and avoided them.


I won't take public transit. I'm a princess who has her own Jeep. I expect my prince to have a decent vehicle too, thank you very much.


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


Hexen
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11 Jan 2017, 8:55 am

Alliekit wrote:
Hexen wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
^
What's wrong with going to bars and clubs?

Being in an environment where there are many people drinking a mind altering substance that affects judgment. Willfully putting yourself in that environment and allowing yourself to get drunk around strangers. Okay if you go as a couple, not so much going alone if you're in a relationship.


What if you are out with a group of friends?

If you get drunk willingly around strangers, or friends and your partner is not around; you put yourself in a bad situation to cheat. "I'm sorry I cheated on you, I was drunk." This goes for either sex. The only exception to this, is if you drink with family over a relatives house. Party girls are not good girlfriends.



RetroGamer87
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11 Jan 2017, 9:50 am

nurseangela wrote:
Aspie1 wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
Just a question what if she is afraid of public transport but will go on ot if it's absolutely necessary? (This is curiousity not like a jab or disagreement)
In my experience with people who have that fear, there is no "absolutely necessary". If driving is impossible (she can't drive somewhere, and I refuse because I know there'll be traffic) and fear prevents her from taking a train, she just won't go.

My exes were actually OK with public transit at least sometimes. (Other times, they'd react like I described). But I knew a few other women who weren't, and avoided them.


I won't take public transit. I'm a princess who has her own Jeep. I expect my prince to have a decent vehicle too, thank you very much.


If only I hadn't sold my Ford Falcon. Now I'm a red flag.


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Hexen
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11 Jan 2017, 10:07 am

RetroGamer87 wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
Aspie1 wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
Just a question what if she is afraid of public transport but will go on ot if it's absolutely necessary? (This is curiousity not like a jab or disagreement)
In my experience with people who have that fear, there is no "absolutely necessary". If driving is impossible (she can't drive somewhere, and I refuse because I know there'll be traffic) and fear prevents her from taking a train, she just won't go.

My exes were actually OK with public transit at least sometimes. (Other times, they'd react like I described). But I knew a few other women who weren't, and avoided them.


I won't take public transit. I'm a princess who has her own Jeep. I expect my prince to have a decent vehicle too, thank you very much.


If only I hadn't sold my Ford Falcon. Now I'm a red flag.

Oh man, you should be ashamed!



Windstorm
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11 Jan 2017, 11:21 am

Lots of good tips for spotting red flags in this thread although some I disagree with. Another thing to consider is if you're dating someone with ASD or a different personality disorder. Some of the typical red flags are just (hopefully) harmless traits of the person. Obviously you can have ASD and still set off valid red flags, I don't want to imply we're all angels.


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Sweetleaf
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11 Jan 2017, 12:26 pm

Hexen wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
Hexen wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
^
What's wrong with going to bars and clubs?

Being in an environment where there are many people drinking a mind altering substance that affects judgment. Willfully putting yourself in that environment and allowing yourself to get drunk around strangers. Okay if you go as a couple, not so much going alone if you're in a relationship.


What if you are out with a group of friends?

If you get drunk willingly around strangers, or friends and your partner is not around; you put yourself in a bad situation to cheat. "I'm sorry I cheated on you, I was drunk." This goes for either sex. The only exception to this, is if you drink with family over a relatives house. Party girls are not good girlfriends.


If someone cannot go out for a drink with friends without their S.O without being at risk of cheating, then I'd say there are some deeper problems in the relationship...as I think most in relationships can handle some drinks without being at risk of cheating on their partner.


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Hexen
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11 Jan 2017, 12:31 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Hexen wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
Hexen wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
^
What's wrong with going to bars and clubs?

Being in an environment where there are many people drinking a mind altering substance that affects judgment. Willfully putting yourself in that environment and allowing yourself to get drunk around strangers. Okay if you go as a couple, not so much going alone if you're in a relationship.


What if you are out with a group of friends?

If you get drunk willingly around strangers, or friends and your partner is not around; you put yourself in a bad situation to cheat. "I'm sorry I cheated on you, I was drunk." This goes for either sex. The only exception to this, is if you drink with family over a relatives house. Party girls are not good girlfriends.


If someone cannot go out for a drink with friends without their S.O without being at risk of cheating, then I'd say there are some deeper problems in the relationship...as I think most in relationships can handle some drinks without being at risk of cheating on their partner.

It's a red flag to me and I've NEVER seen a relationship where a women likes to go bar hopping last; not once.



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11 Jan 2017, 12:45 pm

Hexen wrote:
It's a red flag to me and I've NEVER seen a relationship where a women likes to go bar hopping last; not once.


There are times when I wouldn't consider it an issue. If someone is acting as a wing-man (wing-woman?) to help a single friend then its fair. Or if its a girls-night out for someone's birthday, etc etc. Judge the reason why they're at the club or bar before calling it a red flag.


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11 Jan 2017, 12:49 pm

Hexen wrote:
It's a red flag to me and I've NEVER seen a relationship where a women likes to go bar hopping last; not once.


What's a red flag to you exactly, just if a girl is out somewhere having drinks?

And well in my relationship me and my boyfriend drink at home, we have also gone out to bars and such to drink as well....you've never seen a woman in a relationship who enjoys going out to bars and drinking?


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MsV
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11 Jan 2017, 12:56 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Hexen wrote:
It's a red flag to me and I've NEVER seen a relationship where a women likes to go bar hopping last; not once.


What's a red flag to you exactly, just if a girl is out somewhere having drinks?

And well in my relationship me and my boyfriend drink at home, we have also gone out to bars and such to drink as well....you've never seen a woman in a relationship who enjoys going out to bars and drinking?


To me not wanting your SO to go hang out with their friends and dance at a club for example, would be a red flag. Maybe it's lack of understanding that a girls' night does not generally include interacting with men so much as acting a fool with your girls (like litterally just dancing and laughing and telling people who would intrude on this fun to 'pish off'). If your SO wanted to be with someone else, a bar / club is not the only place they could step out. But then again, if they want to step out they shouldn't be with you imo...
So I guess it comes down to respect and trust and the stability of the relationship. But barring them from doing things, is not going to alleviate any potential risk. I think anyway.



Hexen
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11 Jan 2017, 1:12 pm

MsV wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Hexen wrote:
It's a red flag to me and I've NEVER seen a relationship where a women likes to go bar hopping last; not once.


What's a red flag to you exactly, just if a girl is out somewhere having drinks?

And well in my relationship me and my boyfriend drink at home, we have also gone out to bars and such to drink as well....you've never seen a woman in a relationship who enjoys going out to bars and drinking?


To me not wanting your SO to go hang out with their friends and dance at a club for example, would be a red flag. Maybe it's lack of understanding that a girls' night does not generally include interacting with men so much as acting a fool with your girls (like litterally just dancing and laughing and telling people who would intrude on this fun to 'pish off'). If your SO wanted to be with someone else, a bar / club is not the only place they could step out. But then again, if they want to step out they shouldn't be with you imo...
So I guess it comes down to respect and trust and the stability of the relationship. But barring them from doing things, is not going to alleviate any potential risk. I think anyway.

It doesn't come down to preventing them from doing anything, it comes down to having a partner that doesn't live that life-style in the first place.