I'm Looking For Love, But I'm Also Not Looking For Love

Page 1 of 1 [ 2 posts ] 

The Grand Inquisitor

User avatar

Joined: 9 Aug 2015
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Posts: 302
Location: Australia

18 Jan 2017, 6:52 am

Those who've seen my posts are already familiar with the fact that I (like many other members on this site) have never managed to be in a relationship despite wanting one. Now, I have been drained of the will to even try to get one.

I used to use dating sites/apps to try and meet women, but I rarely yielded any successful conversations and never actually ended up meeting someone. It would be rare that I would get a match on tinder and even rarer if they messaged me/replied to my message. I swiped pretty liberally.

I rarely go on any dating app now, and when I do, it's only to see that I have no new activity and then I log off. I'm making less of an effort to meet people now because my confidence is on the decline. I'm constantly discovering new reasons to feel insecure/things I need to fix in order to be less unattractive/odd, and more worthy of being somebody's partner and having a decent self-esteem. It is exhausting feeling like I'm always behind everyone else, especially when I don't know if/when I'll catch up.

Even if I got a relationship now, I know it wouldn't last, because I would find it very hard to believe that someone would be willing to overlook all my shortcomings, and be interested in me as I am right now. I wouldn't be able to stop questioning it.

The road to being more confident and happy with who I am requires me giving up almost everything that I can squeeze any joy from at the moment, and replacing those with things that are work/that I'm not fond of. I have tried making that transition, but I always ended up crawling back to old habits. I don't know what I can do differently to achieve a different result.


User avatar

Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,826
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile

18 Jan 2017, 8:47 am

I'm thinking abou starting my own thread to address this since my advice is always the same. There are several stages, and you approach each other with baby steps. Some people are already in more advanced stages and can skip the first steps, but some need a strategy for approaching women from square one.

Assuming you are already fairly independent, the first stage is just building confidence. You have to take stock of all the girls or women available to you. Might be a librarian, a barista, cashier at convenience store, actress in amateur/community theater, meetup group, volunteer organisation, whatever. Put yourself in situations where you will be seen by women, make yourself a familiar presence. Blend in with the surroundings. Observe. Be polite and say hello, make eye contact, but don't feel pressured to be conversational.

Towards the end of this stage, you must begin engaging in conversation. You must be interesting to be attractive. To capture interest, observe the Golden Rule. You must first SHOW INTEREST. A pickup line won't do. Find out what a girl likes and ask her to tell you about. Get her to talk about herself and keep her talking about herself. This WILL work because human beings are selfish and only concerned about their own feelings of self-importance. Exploit this. Make her feel important by listening to every word she says. Ask questions, make affirming and validating comments. Wind her up and keep her going. Make her chase rabbits. Whatever you have to do to keep from talking about herself. She is selfish, and this is what she wants. That's why the Golden Rule is EFFECTIVE and POWERFUL.

Beyond that is moving to dating, but I'm not getting into that before we make progress on the above.