I can't stand it anymore
31 Mar 2017, 4:15 pm
My advice is a little different. I feel that, if someone dislikes their life as a whole (their body, work situation, living situation, etc), then focusing on friends and dating is counterproductive.
If you have employment, you'll have more disposable income plus opportunities to talk to people. Even volunteer work will do.
If you have things that give you value and self-esteem, you'll likely be more positive and relaxed.
And so on.
Trying to tell someone to focus on dating over health, employment, self-esteem, or other things is bizarre to me. But that's the culture we live in.
AngelRho
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31 Mar 2017, 4:53 pm
KiryuEX wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
Game night isn't working for you, though. No one is playing with you or interested in the games you bring. Your particular problem is lack of skill interacting with others. Game night requires actual interaction. You can't move the needle if you can't approach others at game night. You're doing yourself no favors that way.
A way to fix this is to observe what games others bring and just bring one of those. You'll have to be a little more forward and take the initiative. "Hey, that looks fun. Do you have room for one more?" The hope is they'll let you in just to be polite, but once people get to know you it will grow beyond that.
Another option is to find people around you who might enjoy that kind of thing and "recruit" them to join up and go with you. But, again, this is all skipping past quite a few steps.
No, you need to find other venues where people socialize.
What is your employment situation?
A way to fix this is to observe what games others bring and just bring one of those. You'll have to be a little more forward and take the initiative. "Hey, that looks fun. Do you have room for one more?" The hope is they'll let you in just to be polite, but once people get to know you it will grow beyond that.
Another option is to find people around you who might enjoy that kind of thing and "recruit" them to join up and go with you. But, again, this is all skipping past quite a few steps.
No, you need to find other venues where people socialize.
What is your employment situation?
What I said was "but half the time I end up just sitting there by myself and not playing anything". I do actually get to play sometimes, with either my games or someone else's.
I can't bring other kinds of games that other people like because I only own the kinds of games I like. I do actually know some of the people there, just not very well.
What other venues? This is the only one where I actually have any desire to socialize with others. Though I would do it much more often if I had the chance. My older stepbrothers actually used to have their own game night on Saturdays, but one of them moved recently (closer to me) and it will be awhile before they can do that again.
I did finally meet with the lady from some disability program a couple weeks ago (I can't remember the name or much of the details). But supposedly I would work at Good Will. But I'm on a waiting list (so I'm not really holding my breath atm). I used to fill out job applications online and on paper, but it just became too depressing. Looking over page after page of jobs, trying to find the very few I actually qualified for and would be able to do, then applying for them. But I got nothing but rejection emails, when they even bothered to send those. I even had a few in person interviews. They never called back (though I called them back). No one wanted me. Even Wal-Mart didn't want me.
Ok, cool, re game night. I misunderstand a lot, so thanks for clearing that up.
In your first post, you mentioned several issues you have. I'm sure you are aware that they are holding you back in different ways. I can't cover everything, but there is one issue you absolutely MUST overcome right away.
EVERYTHING you have said regarding socializing is entirely focussed on YOU. Bear in mind that every single person on the planet is like this, so I'm not judging. I'm just pointing out a fact of life. What they have that you don't is a desire to reach out to others SO THAT others will give them what they want in return.
You have to start with yourself. You absolutely MUST do things you have no desire to do if you want to achieve your dating goals. You need to own the kinds of games others play in order to get their attention.
I know you aren't interested. But be honest with yourself. Is getting dates, a gf, a LTR/marriage/family or whatever you're going for worth doing all of this? See, it doesn't matter what interests you. What matters is what others are interested in. You have to sacrifice yourself, i.e. your interests, in order to win those people.
If you can't do this, it's mainly that you have no desire to and have no desire to get to know other people. If you don't care about others, you will not succeed.
You have to come to a place where you decide either you want it bad enough you will give up everything for it, or you remain content with your life and give up the prospect of relationships. No shame in that, either. There's actually a lot of peace to be found in giving up something that doesn't really matter to you in the first place.
I almost married this one girl. I was so convinced that I'd never be with anyone else that I put myself through the hell of a miserable relationship, holding on no matter the cost. When I broke up with her, I felt the full burden of being alone. And you know what? It was so much easier than being with her. I wanted so badly to be married, more than anything, and every dream was about to come true. But at what cost, with her screaching at me every single night? No, I realized this relationship, no matter what history, not matter how much love...it's NOT WORTH IT.
If your game night is most important, or the games you like, or your home life...if that is most important to you, dating will ruin it. Relationships will ruin it.
If you really want to date and have a relationship, you have to be willing to give that up. Maybe not 100%, but it cannot hold the same place of importance or priority it once did. You MUST think of others first.
AngelRho
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Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 45
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31 Mar 2017, 4:59 pm
Canary wrote:
My advice is a little different. I feel that, if someone dislikes their life as a whole (their body, work situation, living situation, etc), then focusing on friends and dating is counterproductive.
If you have employment, you'll have more disposable income plus opportunities to talk to people. Even volunteer work will do.
If you have things that give you value and self-esteem, you'll likely be more positive and relaxed.
And so on.
Trying to tell someone to focus on dating over health, employment, self-esteem, or other things is bizarre to me. But that's the culture we live in.
If you have employment, you'll have more disposable income plus opportunities to talk to people. Even volunteer work will do.
If you have things that give you value and self-esteem, you'll likely be more positive and relaxed.
And so on.
Trying to tell someone to focus on dating over health, employment, self-esteem, or other things is bizarre to me. But that's the culture we live in.
Good advice. I tend to presuppose those things you mentioned. Work/money=independence, as does good health, and that greatly expands what you have to offer and what you are able to do. That's quite basic stuff, so I don't normally mention it.
When I find someone seems to be badly limited, then I typically ask about the job situation. It's surprising to me how many guys there are who really only have that as an obstacle and little else.
31 Mar 2017, 6:36 pm
AngelRho wrote:
KiryuEX wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
Game night isn't working for you, though. No one is playing with you or interested in the games you bring. Your particular problem is lack of skill interacting with others. Game night requires actual interaction. You can't move the needle if you can't approach others at game night. You're doing yourself no favors that way.
A way to fix this is to observe what games others bring and just bring one of those. You'll have to be a little more forward and take the initiative. "Hey, that looks fun. Do you have room for one more?" The hope is they'll let you in just to be polite, but once people get to know you it will grow beyond that.
Another option is to find people around you who might enjoy that kind of thing and "recruit" them to join up and go with you. But, again, this is all skipping past quite a few steps.
No, you need to find other venues where people socialize.
What is your employment situation?
A way to fix this is to observe what games others bring and just bring one of those. You'll have to be a little more forward and take the initiative. "Hey, that looks fun. Do you have room for one more?" The hope is they'll let you in just to be polite, but once people get to know you it will grow beyond that.
Another option is to find people around you who might enjoy that kind of thing and "recruit" them to join up and go with you. But, again, this is all skipping past quite a few steps.
No, you need to find other venues where people socialize.
What is your employment situation?
What I said was "but half the time I end up just sitting there by myself and not playing anything". I do actually get to play sometimes, with either my games or someone else's.
I can't bring other kinds of games that other people like because I only own the kinds of games I like. I do actually know some of the people there, just not very well.
What other venues? This is the only one where I actually have any desire to socialize with others. Though I would do it much more often if I had the chance. My older stepbrothers actually used to have their own game night on Saturdays, but one of them moved recently (closer to me) and it will be awhile before they can do that again.
I did finally meet with the lady from some disability program a couple weeks ago (I can't remember the name or much of the details). But supposedly I would work at Good Will. But I'm on a waiting list (so I'm not really holding my breath atm). I used to fill out job applications online and on paper, but it just became too depressing. Looking over page after page of jobs, trying to find the very few I actually qualified for and would be able to do, then applying for them. But I got nothing but rejection emails, when they even bothered to send those. I even had a few in person interviews. They never called back (though I called them back). No one wanted me. Even Wal-Mart didn't want me.
Ok, cool, re game night. I misunderstand a lot, so thanks for clearing that up.
In your first post, you mentioned several issues you have. I'm sure you are aware that they are holding you back in different ways. I can't cover everything, but there is one issue you absolutely MUST overcome right away.
EVERYTHING you have said regarding socializing is entirely focussed on YOU. Bear in mind that every single person on the planet is like this, so I'm not judging. I'm just pointing out a fact of life. What they have that you don't is a desire to reach out to others SO THAT others will give them what they want in return.
You have to start with yourself. You absolutely MUST do things you have no desire to do if you want to achieve your dating goals. You need to own the kinds of games others play in order to get their attention.
I know you aren't interested. But be honest with yourself. Is getting dates, a gf, a LTR/marriage/family or whatever you're going for worth doing all of this? See, it doesn't matter what interests you. What matters is what others are interested in. You have to sacrifice yourself, i.e. your interests, in order to win those people.
If you can't do this, it's mainly that you have no desire to and have no desire to get to know other people. If you don't care about others, you will not succeed.
You have to come to a place where you decide either you want it bad enough you will give up everything for it, or you remain content with your life and give up the prospect of relationships. No shame in that, either. There's actually a lot of peace to be found in giving up something that doesn't really matter to you in the first place.
I almost married this one girl. I was so convinced that I'd never be with anyone else that I put myself through the hell of a miserable relationship, holding on no matter the cost. When I broke up with her, I felt the full burden of being alone. And you know what? It was so much easier than being with her. I wanted so badly to be married, more than anything, and every dream was about to come true. But at what cost, with her screaching at me every single night? No, I realized this relationship, no matter what history, not matter how much love...it's NOT WORTH IT.
If your game night is most important, or the games you like, or your home life...if that is most important to you, dating will ruin it. Relationships will ruin it.
If you really want to date and have a relationship, you have to be willing to give that up. Maybe not 100%, but it cannot hold the same place of importance or priority it once did. You MUST think of others first.
I understand what you're saying, but I have to point out that games are expensive. I don't think that buying a game (or any other luxury item) that I don't even like is a good idea, especially with my rather limited funds.
The real crux of the matter is that I don't actually know for sure if I want sex, relationships, etc. Not without at least trying it first. I know I want to try sex and that I feel lonely, but beyond that I'm not sure. I like the idea of romance, but I'm not sure if I'm even capable of truly loving another person.
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"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." -Dalai Lama
AngelRho
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Age: 45
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01 Apr 2017, 8:14 am
Ok, that's good progress. I can work with that.
It's your business if you want to pursue relationships. It's not up to me to judge you or say what you can/can't do.
I think what you need to think about is when you start talking sex/relationships, yoi are talking about things that will alter another person's emotional and social life. It changes both of you, and that's time, experience, and memories you can't take back.
When you look at it in terms of what you're going to do to someone by dating her, having a relationship, and having sex, is it really fair to do that to someone for the sake of "trying" something you don't even know you'll like? Women tend to prefer something a bit more meaningful. It's wrong to toy with people like that. A girl who genuinely loves you won't care if you're jobless and inexperienced and will enjoy growing with you on your journey together. Intimacy will "just happen." But we're not kids playing with toys. We're grownups. Stakes are higher.
If you're not ready, IT'S OK. If you don't need the pressure of relationships and sex right now, you don't have to do it. It may very well be it's not the right thing to do. You might actually feel a lot better not having to think about it.
AngelRho
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Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,366
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01 Apr 2017, 7:05 pm
K_Kelly wrote:
How do you stop thinking about sex or relationships for the while?
I don't have an easy answer for that. I'd just say go back to what's most important in life and refocus on it.
For me, there's prayer, meditation, Bible reading, other non-fiction (mostly software user manuals lately), exercise. I'm actually in the middle of a long fast, which has totally killed my libido and ability to "get it up." And, look, I'm not the one with a problem, I'm just saying those things have that effect on me.
And staying away from porn/masturbation helps, too, although masturbation without any other stimulus would ease up on the desire for partner sex. I could be wrong, but I wonder if the desire for sex and relationships is intensified by portrayals in porn. Reality isn't as simple and straightforward as the porn fantasy. Part of the appeal of porn is how easy and instantly gratifying the experience is, when reality is so much more complex, convoluted, and nuanced than that. You can't reduce people to mere toys like that and expect long term success, plus it reflects negatively on your character if you try it. Keeping away at least from porn is a good start to taking your mind off it.
01 Apr 2017, 8:52 pm
AngelRho wrote:
Ok, that's good progress. I can work with that.
It's your business if you want to pursue relationships. It's not up to me to judge you or say what you can/can't do.
I think what you need to think about is when you start talking sex/relationships, yoi are talking about things that will alter another person's emotional and social life. It changes both of you, and that's time, experience, and memories you can't take back.
When you look at it in terms of what you're going to do to someone by dating her, having a relationship, and having sex, is it really fair to do that to someone for the sake of "trying" something you don't even know you'll like? Women tend to prefer something a bit more meaningful. It's wrong to toy with people like that. A girl who genuinely loves you won't care if you're jobless and inexperienced and will enjoy growing with you on your journey together. Intimacy will "just happen." But we're not kids playing with toys. We're grownups. Stakes are higher.
If you're not ready, IT'S OK. If you don't need the pressure of relationships and sex right now, you don't have to do it. It may very well be it's not the right thing to do. You might actually feel a lot better not having to think about it.
It's your business if you want to pursue relationships. It's not up to me to judge you or say what you can/can't do.
I think what you need to think about is when you start talking sex/relationships, yoi are talking about things that will alter another person's emotional and social life. It changes both of you, and that's time, experience, and memories you can't take back.
When you look at it in terms of what you're going to do to someone by dating her, having a relationship, and having sex, is it really fair to do that to someone for the sake of "trying" something you don't even know you'll like? Women tend to prefer something a bit more meaningful. It's wrong to toy with people like that. A girl who genuinely loves you won't care if you're jobless and inexperienced and will enjoy growing with you on your journey together. Intimacy will "just happen." But we're not kids playing with toys. We're grownups. Stakes are higher.
If you're not ready, IT'S OK. If you don't need the pressure of relationships and sex right now, you don't have to do it. It may very well be it's not the right thing to do. You might actually feel a lot better not having to think about it.
AngelRho wrote:
K_Kelly wrote:
How do you stop thinking about sex or relationships for the while?
I don't have an easy answer for that. I'd just say go back to what's most important in life and refocus on it.
For me, there's prayer, meditation, Bible reading, other non-fiction (mostly software user manuals lately), exercise. I'm actually in the middle of a long fast, which has totally killed my libido and ability to "get it up." And, look, I'm not the one with a problem, I'm just saying those things have that effect on me.
And staying away from porn/masturbation helps, too, although masturbation without any other stimulus would ease up on the desire for partner sex. I could be wrong, but I wonder if the desire for sex and relationships is intensified by portrayals in porn. Reality isn't as simple and straightforward as the porn fantasy. Part of the appeal of porn is how easy and instantly gratifying the experience is, when reality is so much more complex, convoluted, and nuanced than that. You can't reduce people to mere toys like that and expect long term success, plus it reflects negatively on your character if you try it. Keeping away at least from porn is a good start to taking your mind off it.
First off, I'm aware that people are not toys that can be "tried out". Nor would I want them to be. I'm an Aspie, not a sociopath.
But therein lies the dilemma (which I could have made clearer in my previous post). I can't just try these things out, but I don't know if I truly want them until I experience them.
To put it another way, I do know for certain that I desire these things, but I'm not quite sure to what extent. I know I'm lonely, but I don't usually like being around other people for extended periods of time. I'm iffy about people touching me (especially light feathery touches), but I love giving hugs (I've been told I'm actually quite affectionate), and I have a strong desire to cuddle (though I'm not sure for how long at a time).
And I while porn may influence my desire for sex, it is not the source of it. Even as a child, long before I had any real understanding of sex, I had bit of an infatuation with the naked human body (especially the female form). I only use porn as a masturbatory aid. Most porn is shallow, emotionless, and lacking in realism. Part of the reason I want sex is because porn/masturbation isn't enough anymore. While it temporarily satisfies my physical desire, it leaves me feeling cold and empty. The most profound feelings of despair/depression that I have felt in recent memory have occurred while sitting on the couch, in front of my laptop, thinking about sex in some way or another. I realize that I'll never get to experience it. No one will ever touch me. No one will ever want me. No one will ever love me. I will always be alone. All I can think about in those moments is how much I want someone to touch me, or even just talk to me. I almost feel like I'm going to cry.
_________________
"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." -Dalai Lama
01 Apr 2017, 9:31 pm
I hear you. I'm at that point too. I am 5 years younger than you but I still feel like a kid. I feel nothing like an adult. I have Asperger's and I also suffer from depression, anxiety, OCD, and ADD. I am losing out hope on everything. I have no social life, I don't know what to do with my life, I can't ever seem to get ahead, people think I'm weird and creepy, and I don't know how to fit in anywhere. Sometimes I just want to end it all. I'm tired of things going wrong. I don't know how to change or if I can change. I feel no different than when I was a kid. I wish I had the answers.
AngelRho
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Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 45
Gender: Male
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Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile
01 Apr 2017, 10:19 pm
K_Kelly wrote:
KiryuEX: I'm sorry, I hope you feel better and get what you wanted soon.
+1.
And I'm not here to lecture or patronize. I get that it hurts you and that you feel lonely.
This is strictly my unqualified OPINION: I don't think you're ready. For any of it. Sex, relationships... Everything. You aren't ready. You just don't want it bad enough yet, and you find it much easier to feel defeated than to face your fears and punch through them. You hate school, so you refuse to go back. You're struggling with getting hired for a job, so you give up instead of examining what went wrong, analysing, and fixing the problem to make yourself hirable. You don't proactively seek out other popular hangout spots in your area where you can meet people. You don't broaden your scope to include games others enjoy for game night. Building relationships just AREN'T IMPORTANT to you. Be honest with yourself. You LIKE your situation too much to change it.
You have to reach a point where you have to say, "I HATE this life! I'm SICK and effing TIRED of being lonely! I'm DONE! I can't TAKE this ANYMORE!" You'll stand in front of a mirror and you'll scream all these things and more. And you'll go to a bar and buy a pretty girl a drink. You'll go to a fast food joint looking your best and say "I'm ready to work. When do I start?" You'll bring food for all your game night friends. You'll say hello to that girl you always see walking in the park. You'll smile and be polite to everyone you see.
THAT is when you'll be ready. Until then, you will continue to find a strange comfort in your loneliness. Again, this is not meant to be patronizing. What you're going through isn't far off from what I experienced from most of my childhood through half of college. And when I was through college, it was like starting all over, except much, MUCH worse. And I finally reached my breaking point.
When that happened, all kinds of doors opened up for me. I got a new band. I got a new teaching gig. Got a raise at my church gig. Heck, I even appeared on a TruTV reality show, and one of my songs made their cue sheet--and I have a BMI catalog to back that up:
Work Title: NUMBER PLEASE
BMI Work #: 24080448
Date Registered: 03/14/2017
Registration Origin: Cue Sheet
My life is in a bit of a slump right now, but that happens. I get free time, I exercise. Run 5k's. I regularly practice fasting. I buy food in bulk to save money. I write music every chance I get. I don't stop. Because I've BEEN in Egypt where I was a slave, and I'm NOT FREAKIN GOING BACK! I've been homeless. NO MORE. I've been broke. NO MORE. Bill collectors. I'm DONE. Sound like a motivational speaker? It's because I've LIVED what most people only talk about.
And I haven't even touched relationships.
You haven't lived it. You don't own it. You SAY things but you don't actually KNOW what you're talking about. You're living your situation, but it hasn't fully sunk in yet. You find comfort in your sadness and loneliness because it doesn't challenge you the way rising from it will.
You aren't ready. When your sadness and loneliness turn to anger and passion, when you feel that fire raging within you and you can no longer be content with where you are, THEN you will begin to make change happen for yourself. THEN you will be ready.
02 Apr 2017, 10:50 am
AngelRho wrote:
And staying away from porn/masturbation helps, too, although masturbation without any other stimulus would ease up on the desire for partner sex. I could be wrong, but I wonder if the desire for sex and relationships is intensified by portrayals in porn. Reality isn't as simple and straightforward as the porn fantasy. Part of the appeal of porn is how easy and instantly gratifying the experience is, when reality is so much more complex, convoluted, and nuanced than that. You can't reduce people to mere toys like that and expect long term success, plus it reflects negatively on your character if you try it. Keeping away at least from porn is a good start to taking your mind off it.
I think the main problem with porn and masturbation to porn is that it is all visual and based on sexual attraction. Nothing good will come out of sex based on sexual attraction. It will only make you less sensitive and require more stimulu, something that is just bad in a relationship, unless you find a super-hot model, which most guys won't.
In fact, there is good reason why people should not build relationships on sexual attraction either. It will become the same things as a porn addiction.
02 Apr 2017, 12:56 pm
AngelRho wrote:
K_Kelly wrote:
KiryuEX: I'm sorry, I hope you feel better and get what you wanted soon.
+1.
And I'm not here to lecture or patronize. I get that it hurts you and that you feel lonely.
This is strictly my unqualified OPINION: I don't think you're ready. For any of it. Sex, relationships... Everything. You aren't ready. You just don't want it bad enough yet, and you find it much easier to feel defeated than to face your fears and punch through them. You hate school, so you refuse to go back. You're struggling with getting hired for a job, so you give up instead of examining what went wrong, analysing, and fixing the problem to make yourself hirable. You don't proactively seek out other popular hangout spots in your area where you can meet people. You don't broaden your scope to include games others enjoy for game night. Building relationships just AREN'T IMPORTANT to you. Be honest with yourself. You LIKE your situation too much to change it.
You have to reach a point where you have to say, "I HATE this life! I'm SICK and effing TIRED of being lonely! I'm DONE! I can't TAKE this ANYMORE!" You'll stand in front of a mirror and you'll scream all these things and more. And you'll go to a bar and buy a pretty girl a drink. You'll go to a fast food joint looking your best and say "I'm ready to work. When do I start?" You'll bring food for all your game night friends. You'll say hello to that girl you always see walking in the park. You'll smile and be polite to everyone you see.
THAT is when you'll be ready. Until then, you will continue to find a strange comfort in your loneliness. Again, this is not meant to be patronizing. What you're going through isn't far off from what I experienced from most of my childhood through half of college. And when I was through college, it was like starting all over, except much, MUCH worse. And I finally reached my breaking point.
When that happened, all kinds of doors opened up for me. I got a new band. I got a new teaching gig. Got a raise at my church gig. Heck, I even appeared on a TruTV reality show, and one of my songs made their cue sheet--and I have a BMI catalog to back that up:
Work Title: NUMBER PLEASE
BMI Work #: 24080448
Date Registered: 03/14/2017
Registration Origin: Cue Sheet
My life is in a bit of a slump right now, but that happens. I get free time, I exercise. Run 5k's. I regularly practice fasting. I buy food in bulk to save money. I write music every chance I get. I don't stop. Because I've BEEN in Egypt where I was a slave, and I'm NOT FREAKIN GOING BACK! I've been homeless. NO MORE. I've been broke. NO MORE. Bill collectors. I'm DONE. Sound like a motivational speaker? It's because I've LIVED what most people only talk about.
And I haven't even touched relationships.
You haven't lived it. You don't own it. You SAY things but you don't actually KNOW what you're talking about. You're living your situation, but it hasn't fully sunk in yet. You find comfort in your sadness and loneliness because it doesn't challenge you the way rising from it will.
You aren't ready. When your sadness and loneliness turn to anger and passion, when you feel that fire raging within you and you can no longer be content with where you are, THEN you will begin to make change happen for yourself. THEN you will be ready.
Oh...
_________________
"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." -Dalai Lama
02 Apr 2017, 1:09 pm
rdos wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
And staying away from porn/masturbation helps, too, although masturbation without any other stimulus would ease up on the desire for partner sex. I could be wrong, but I wonder if the desire for sex and relationships is intensified by portrayals in porn. Reality isn't as simple and straightforward as the porn fantasy. Part of the appeal of porn is how easy and instantly gratifying the experience is, when reality is so much more complex, convoluted, and nuanced than that. You can't reduce people to mere toys like that and expect long term success, plus it reflects negatively on your character if you try it. Keeping away at least from porn is a good start to taking your mind off it.
I think the main problem with porn and masturbation to porn is that it is all visual and based on sexual attraction. Nothing good will come out of sex based on sexual attraction. It will only make you less sensitive and require more stimulu, something that is just bad in a relationship, unless you find a super-hot model, which most guys won't.
In fact, there is good reason why people should not build relationships on sexual attraction either. It will become the same things as a porn addiction.
Wait, isn't sexual attraction important in a relationship, at least at first? To "spark their interest" so to speak? Then as they become closer emotionally, it gradually becomes less important.
_________________
"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." -Dalai Lama
AngelRho
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02 Apr 2017, 2:21 pm
KiryuEX wrote:
rdos wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
And staying away from porn/masturbation helps, too, although masturbation without any other stimulus would ease up on the desire for partner sex. I could be wrong, but I wonder if the desire for sex and relationships is intensified by portrayals in porn. Reality isn't as simple and straightforward as the porn fantasy. Part of the appeal of porn is how easy and instantly gratifying the experience is, when reality is so much more complex, convoluted, and nuanced than that. You can't reduce people to mere toys like that and expect long term success, plus it reflects negatively on your character if you try it. Keeping away at least from porn is a good start to taking your mind off it.
I think the main problem with porn and masturbation to porn is that it is all visual and based on sexual attraction. Nothing good will come out of sex based on sexual attraction. It will only make you less sensitive and require more stimulu, something that is just bad in a relationship, unless you find a super-hot model, which most guys won't.
In fact, there is good reason why people should not build relationships on sexual attraction either. It will become the same things as a porn addiction.
Wait, isn't sexual attraction important in a relationship, at least at first? To "spark their interest" so to speak? Then as they become closer emotionally, it gradually becomes less important.
Rdos and I have strong differences of opinion, but he's largely right on this one. I don't know if you've noticed, but I've never once mentioned anything about sexual attraction.
The truth is, in my view, EVERYTHING boils down to sexual desire--the desire to dominate, the desire to have someone take care of your needs. You're not so much interested in caring for someone so much as having someone to take care of you. So attraction is really all about making snap judgments of who will best satisfy you sexually.
HOW one best meets those needs is a whole other topic, for instance, asexuals. But sooner or later that desire always manifests itself in some form. I derive gratification through spirituality, music, and cooking/eating, but most often sex-play takes on subtle, almost unnoticeable forms.
And BECAUSE of those subtle, oft-unseen manipulations we practice on each other, I never mention sexual attraction any time the topic of meeting girls comes up. When you rely ONLY on your own physical appearance, you limit yourself strictly to a single aspect YOU think will elicit desire and not what really matters to other people. The end results of sexual gratification (orgasm) are one's feelings of importance. For much of my dating life I was fat, bald, and ugly (I'm still bald and ugly). I didn't attract many girls, but there were a few. Those girls liked me because I made them feel important. And they made me feel important, too. I'm ugly, have bad breath, marginal personal hygeine, I'm socially awkward, and my personality SUCKS. I had relationships and intimacy because I put all my focus on THEM, and they ate it up. They could ignore my faults, of which there are many, because I put them first. And for that I could have whatever I wanted.
So, in one sense, yes, sexual attraction is everything. HOW that is achieved is not so set in stone, though. There's much more to it than physical qualities alone.
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