too AS to date or how do I help a friend (who is also my ex)

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This summer, for about two months, I dated a young man almost a decade younger than I (I am 30) who is diagnosed AS. I am not AS but come from a deeply AS family. I have bipolar traits stemming from an abused childhood (mild ones such as sudden irritability/intense anger if I was deceived or impulsive buying, ha. I never yell or throw objects or anything of the sort).

He broke up with me when I began to ask he reciprocate to me sexually and emotionally. I consider myself a very open minded and caring person, however, I began to lose some patience with this young man. The issues: he *never ever* asked me how I was doing. Ever. Ok, I would share on my own. But, he never offered any support save for a few emoticons or squeezing my hand in person. I am familiar with AS and know that offering empathy is done in different from "standard" ways, but it felt too...little

For my part, I listened to all his problems, offered advice and support, gave him gifts, encouraged him, and showed lots of care. He did thank me a few times, but the relationship felt profoundly one sided.

Here is my question, or almost: he and I remained friends (well, friends in the same one sided manner) and he has asked me dating advice. He has gotten a few dates with other women but nothing worked out. When I asked how the dates would go, it would turn out he sat there almost completely silent and never asked any questions, thus, never actually learning who he went out with. He is *desperate* to have a gf again.

So, how does one help him? Can he be helped by a lay person since he does not see a therapist or a psychiatrist and doesn't want to?
Is him being so young, 21, a factor? What can *I* do? I feel a lot of empathy as well as often irritation with the one sidedness of our friendship.
Any similar stories to share?

If he wants a girlfriend then he needs to understand that in order for a woman to feel connected there needs to be reciprocal communication. Someone needs to flat out tell him that being aloof en not initiating a conversation or showing interest will NOT get him a girlfriend. He can even take a social skills course for that. I feel that he is probably not aware of all things he is doing wrong and/or doesn't see the importance of certain social conventions.
He won't attract a high value woman like that.

And yes I dated an aspie like that though it was less severe with him. He knew how to present himself on the first date and communication was reciprocal. In the end it came more and more just from my side. I couldn't take it anymore and quit contacting him. He always sends me text with rants or whinings. I decided to stop responding. I'm not going to be treated like a doormat that's their when it fits his needs.

Bah, reciprocal communication! hahahahaha!

All a man needs to know for relationship conversations is:
-How was your day?
-What happened?
-Oh. (Oh?)
-Uh-huh.
-Yeah.
-Wow.

And for decision conversations:
-I'd like that.
-Yes, let's. (, do that.)
-Which do you think would be better?

Just teach him these nine things for starters and he'll be good to go for 99.3% of all male/female convos.

Oh, I flat out told him before. To no avail. He does ask my advice on dressing better and seeems to implement it. But communication--no.

Ahahaha at the required phrase list

How does he respond to it when you tell him?

No response, really. I think it could stem from his non AS parents spending his childhood trying to forcefully make him normal despite knowing his diagnosis. They mean well but are kind of moronic in their understanding of AS. Btw, I told him the above theory of why he resists change. He unserstood and agreed, but wouldn't try to change still. Maybe lack of success will eventually motivate him.

I don't think it's a good idea to try to change him, either accept him as he is or move on from the friendship.

I totally understand him.
I also broke with my previous boyfriends as soon as they started to bother me for reciprocating their feelings. I just don't understand how to do it and what is the reason for me to. Of course, I know it makes people feel better but ... oh, whatever, its too complicated to describe. Thinking about it makes my head all messed up. I just hate talking about feelings and I don't understand the romantic love. What I get is the practical and sexual aspect(although it is hard due to sensory issues and lack of confidence). Not the emotional and social "give and take". That's too bothersome.

My suggestion? He is a male so he has the initiative. He might choose whatever he wants to join the dating world or be traditionalist. The second option might be easier since he wouldn't really have to get into complicated feelings and be master of nonverbal cues. All he has to do is showing that he cares about the girlfriend by giving her gifts, being a gentlemen (give her jacked when there is cold, walk her to bus stop), paying for her on dates, maybe touch a bit (hand hold, a hug). Stuffs like that. Old style courting tricks. There are specific rules that can be found in old books and movies. Some girls still want a gentlemen, not a "best cookie around" or a macho.

What I'd like to understand about this story is: how did such a guy come to date you in the first place? Did you make all the effort right from the start? If so, why?

Yes, I made all the effort from the start. I was fine doing so at first, but came to tire and find the one sidedness a burden. Why? Well, we met online and he actually, surprisingly, contacted me first. I am all about new experiences and, having never dated a younger man, I decided to try it.

to the person who mentioned learning old fashion courtesy and such, this man is unable and seemingly unwilling to display or learn even those old fashioned manners. He is basically unwilling to change anything. Also, unless one talks to him or, rather, at him, he does not talk. It's not just feelings and such, he basically avoids talking almost AT ALL.

I think I would try and steer him towards a medical professional. He needs some assistance and may for quite some time. Yes, many times it does not seem to help much, but its better then doing nothing at all, and often the ASD person does learn things that are helpful. He seems to have come from a backround where it was not faced or dealt with early on.

Agreed. The most important rule of feedback is to not give feedback unless to reciever asks for it himself. If he doesn't want to change, let him be. He will notice the negative results of his behaviour himself and that might lead him to change. To be honest I wouldn't really care. Don't be a mom for him, you're not his mom.

I don't know if you can help him, he can only learn from experience. But if he cares that little about putting effort into another person, he really has no business seeking a relationship. It's as if a relationship only benefits his self-esteem, that's just dangerous and it's best to avoid him as a whole. Likely, he has no idea what he's doing, or why he's doing it, though.

Very true that I shouldn't be his mom for him. I definitely tend to try and be one when I should not. I suppose there is nothing I can do, not being a medical professional. Thank you , all, for the feedback. I will remain friends with him as in be there to listen but won't try to steer him

Is he going after conventional chicks that mostly follow all the social norms and prefer to date others who also play that game? Perhaps he should look outside of that box, if he isn't already.