My mind is pushing me towards giving up

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Marknis
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07 Sep 2017, 2:13 am

DW_a_mom wrote:
Marknis wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
Have you considered the possibility that you don't need a relationship to be happy? OK, I'm married, so it will seem like it is easy for me to say, but I remember approaching 30 and still being single. I remember approaching 35 and still being single. I was 35 when I started dating my husband; my sister was 39 when she started dating hers.

The problem is, your despair over the situation actually makes it more difficult to find a relationship. You HAVE to get comfortable with yourself and your life as it is in order to become an attractive partner. When you feel desperate it permeates everything you do and can even become toxic in a relationship. Wanting a relationship is one thing, but feeling you need one for life to be worthwhile is another; no one can handle that kind of pressure from a date, the sense that your date needs for you to be the one and for this all to work out. People run from that pressure.

If you want to find someone, you have to get out of the mindset you are in. Do things you enjoy doing on your own, and build a life for yourself that you can find satisfying without someone else in it.

I know it is hard when everything and everyone around you seems to enforce the idea that you need to have a life partner. Remember, though, that partnering up is a social construct, no longer essential to survival. Or happiness. It is better to be happy alone than with the wrong partners, as so many people are.


I have a hard time breaking away because my mind can't drop obsessions easily and even if I do let go, it doesn't change the fact I am still lonely and I still see couples pass me by. As far as building a life goes, I struggle with my interests as well as my life schedule. I sometimes feel like I've flunked too many tests and I've already missed the deadline without even knowing it.


I am sorry to hear this. I hope you can find your way out to a more positive place. I know that isn't easy. Have you tried working with a counselor?


I've actually been in therapy for the last ten years with different counselors. My current one I've been with since 2011. Some might wonder why I've stuck with her for so long but I think what I've gone through in life can't be fixed so easily. I fell behind socially, I wasn't encouraged to develop myself (the stupid "plan" BS and all), and I don't know what my niche is.

I'm starting to hit myself in the head out of frustration. I just hate how I am 29 and I haven't made any progress in life.



Marknis
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07 Sep 2017, 6:54 pm

I feel like the social world is a club that my invitation to got lost in the mail.



DW_a_mom
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07 Sep 2017, 11:21 pm

Marknis, remember that nothing in life is fixed in stone. Things can change. You can change.

Even invitations lost in the mail sometimes eventually make it to their destination.


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AquaineBay
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07 Sep 2017, 11:27 pm

Marknis wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
Marknis wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
Have you considered the possibility that you don't need a relationship to be happy? OK, I'm married, so it will seem like it is easy for me to say, but I remember approaching 30 and still being single. I remember approaching 35 and still being single. I was 35 when I started dating my husband; my sister was 39 when she started dating hers.

The problem is, your despair over the situation actually makes it more difficult to find a relationship. You HAVE to get comfortable with yourself and your life as it is in order to become an attractive partner. When you feel desperate it permeates everything you do and can even become toxic in a relationship. Wanting a relationship is one thing, but feeling you need one for life to be worthwhile is another; no one can handle that kind of pressure from a date, the sense that your date needs for you to be the one and for this all to work out. People run from that pressure.

If you want to find someone, you have to get out of the mindset you are in. Do things you enjoy doing on your own, and build a life for yourself that you can find satisfying without someone else in it.

I know it is hard when everything and everyone around you seems to enforce the idea that you need to have a life partner. Remember, though, that partnering up is a social construct, no longer essential to survival. Or happiness. It is better to be happy alone than with the wrong partners, as so many people are.


I have a hard time breaking away because my mind can't drop obsessions easily and even if I do let go, it doesn't change the fact I am still lonely and I still see couples pass me by. As far as building a life goes, I struggle with my interests as well as my life schedule. I sometimes feel like I've flunked too many tests and I've already missed the deadline without even knowing it.


I am sorry to hear this. I hope you can find your way out to a more positive place. I know that isn't easy. Have you tried working with a counselor?


I've actually been in therapy for the last ten years with different counselors. My current one I've been with since 2011. Some might wonder why I've stuck with her for so long but I think what I've gone through in life can't be fixed so easily. I fell behind socially, I wasn't encouraged to develop myself (the stupid "plan" BS and all), and I don't know what my niche is.

I'm starting to hit myself in the head out of frustration. I just hate how I am 29 and I haven't made any progress in life.


I recently started hitting my head as well. I use to do it as a kid but, I wonder if I'm doing it out of frustration as well?

I wasn't encouraged to develop myself either. And though I'm only 23 I feel like I'm not too far off in the situation you're in now. Annoyingly fixing the problem of being socially left behind(I am that way too.) seems to be by what we can't obtain, friends. Apparently people learn a lot of social stuff from their friends.


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Courage to change the things I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference."


CharityGoodyGrace
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08 Sep 2017, 4:27 am

Just focus on all the great relationships you have here, and elsewhere if applicable... maybe one of them will turn into the kind of relationship you are looking for, or maybe you need to look for just ANY kind of relationship and just love it. Friendships and brother-sister type relationships are just as good and great and deep as a romantic relationship, just in a different way.



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08 Sep 2017, 4:35 am

CharityGoodyGrace wrote:
Just focus on all the great relationships you have here, and elsewhere if applicable... maybe one of them will turn into the kind of relationship you are looking for, or maybe you need to look for just ANY kind of relationship and just love it. Friendships and brother-sister type relationships are just as good and great and deep as a romantic relationship, just in a different way.


I agree. The bond I have with my close friends, is actually way stronger than with any girlfriend I've had, or any family member for that matter. We tend to put family and romantic relationships on a pedestal, but I don't think whether I have similar genes, or I am having sex with someone, makes for a deeper connection nessecarily.



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08 Sep 2017, 5:30 am

:heart:

CharityGoodyGrace wrote:
Just focus on all the great relationships you have here, and elsewhere if applicable... maybe one of them will turn into the kind of relationship you are looking for, or maybe you need to look for just ANY kind of relationship and just love it. Friendships and brother-sister type relationships are just as good and great and deep as a romantic relationship, just in a different way.


*Sigh* I'm f*cked in this area.

NONE of my family care about us even though we've tried reaching out to them. They only come for money and never spend quality time with us. Many of them are drug addicts, and trashy low life's with dirty disgusting houses and toxic personalities.

All I have is my parents and brother and sister.

But they're all younger than me so we're very different in maturity and life views.

I've tried connecting with my sister but she's so addicted to technology and just staying on one screen she won't go for walks or play handball with me or anything.

My little bro is alright to bond with since he loves sports but he's become a disrespectful little sh*t so I can't tolerate him for too long.

I also have absolutely no friends except for one person who lives many hours away who I haven't seen in over a year. but weve also become very incompatible. He is obese and lazy and never wants to go anywhere or do anything. He can barely walk without needing to rest every 2 minutes. He just wants to always watch DVD and play video games, I like these things but get sick of them, I'm healthy and active. His mother is batsh*t insane and abusive, his older brother arrogant and condescending and always irritates me when I'm there.

I have absolutely zero ways to meet anyone my age and even when i did in high school i still struggled to make any friends or connect with others and it took me a long time to make good friends.

I go to a mental health support group and have a few acquaintances who are older men there. Its nice to talk to them but I don't see anything more coming out of it.

A relationship is literally any hope I have right now of having a social life with someone my age, anyone.



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08 Sep 2017, 5:34 am

Closet Genious wrote:
CharityGoodyGrace wrote:
Just focus on all the great relationships you have here, and elsewhere if applicable... maybe one of them will turn into the kind of relationship you are looking for, or maybe you need to look for just ANY kind of relationship and just love it. Friendships and brother-sister type relationships are just as good and great and deep as a romantic relationship, just in a different way.


I agree. The bond I have with my close friends, is actually way stronger than with any girlfriend I've had, or any family member for that matter. We tend to put family and romantic relationships on a pedestal, but I don't think whether I have similar genes, or I am having sex with someone, makes for a deeper connection nessecarily.


I want good., compatible.male friends more than I've ever wanted a girlfriend,
But almost every male friend I've ever had literally betrayed me and bullied me or blew me off when I wanted to hang out more than the one or two times we went to each others houses.

What few good strong.male friends I did.make I always ended up moving away.

F*ck.my stupid *as family for moving so much in the past 4 years. Weve moved like 6 times now.



CharityGoodyGrace
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08 Sep 2017, 6:00 am

Outrider, you can start here... there are so many males here who want friends and don't have them. So many of all different KINDS of people actually here that don't have friends that are here because they want them. :)



Closet Genious
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08 Sep 2017, 6:54 am

Outrider wrote:
Closet Genious wrote:
CharityGoodyGrace wrote:
Just focus on all the great relationships you have here, and elsewhere if applicable... maybe one of them will turn into the kind of relationship you are looking for, or maybe you need to look for just ANY kind of relationship and just love it. Friendships and brother-sister type relationships are just as good and great and deep as a romantic relationship, just in a different way.


I agree. The bond I have with my close friends, is actually way stronger than with any girlfriend I've had, or any family member for that matter. We tend to put family and romantic relationships on a pedestal, but I don't think whether I have similar genes, or I am having sex with someone, makes for a deeper connection nessecarily.


I want good., compatible.male friends more than I've ever wanted a girlfriend,
But almost every male friend I've ever had literally betrayed me and bullied me or blew me off when I wanted to hang out more than the one or two times we went to each others houses.

What few good strong.male friends I did.make I always ended up moving away.

F*ck.my stupid *as family for moving so much in the past 4 years. Weve moved like 6 times now.


I'm sorry to hear, I moved country several times when I was younger, so I think I can relate. I've also wasted alot of time on "fake" friends, who in the end let me down in a major way. I have no interest in empty friendships anymore, I don't think us aspies get anything out of them.

True male friendship is being able to be completely transparent, and explore the deepest depths of our thoughts together. There is almost nothing more stimulating than that(to me anyways). These kinds of friendships are hard to find, probably even harder if you're an aspie.



Marknis
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08 Sep 2017, 9:15 am

Closet Genious wrote:
CharityGoodyGrace wrote:
Just focus on all the great relationships you have here, and elsewhere if applicable... maybe one of them will turn into the kind of relationship you are looking for, or maybe you need to look for just ANY kind of relationship and just love it. Friendships and brother-sister type relationships are just as good and great and deep as a romantic relationship, just in a different way.


I agree. The bond I have with my close friends, is actually way stronger than with any girlfriend I've had, or any family member for that matter. We tend to put family and romantic relationships on a pedestal, but I don't think whether I have similar genes, or I am having sex with someone, makes for a deeper connection nessecarily.


Well, I don't have many friends. In fact, my already small social network shrinks with every passing year.

DW_a_mom wrote:
Marknis, remember that nothing in life is fixed in stone. Things can change. You can change.

Even invitations lost in the mail sometimes eventually make it to their destination.


I just hope I won't have to wait until I am 50; I don't even know if I'll last that long.



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08 Sep 2017, 9:21 am

Closet Genious wrote:
Outrider wrote:
Closet Genious wrote:
CharityGoodyGrace wrote:
Just focus on all the great relationships you have here, and elsewhere if applicable... maybe one of them will turn into the kind of relationship you are looking for, or maybe you need to look for just ANY kind of relationship and just love it. Friendships and brother-sister type relationships are just as good and great and deep as a romantic relationship, just in a different way.


I agree. The bond I have with my close friends, is actually way stronger than with any girlfriend I've had, or any family member for that matter. We tend to put family and romantic relationships on a pedestal, but I don't think whether I have similar genes, or I am having sex with someone, makes for a deeper connection nessecarily.


I want good., compatible.male friends more than I've ever wanted a girlfriend,
But almost every male friend I've ever had literally betrayed me and bullied me or blew me off when I wanted to hang out more than the one or two times we went to each others houses.

What few good strong.male friends I did.make I always ended up moving away.

F*ck.my stupid *as family for moving so much in the past 4 years. Weve moved like 6 times now.


I'm sorry to hear, I moved country several times when I was younger, so I think I can relate. I've also wasted alot of time on "fake" friends, who in the end let me down in a major way. I have no interest in empty friendships anymore, I don't think us aspies get anything out of them.

True male friendship is being able to be completely transparent, and explore the deepest depths of our thoughts together. There is almost nothing more stimulating than that(to me anyways). These kinds of friendships are hard to find, probably even harder if you're an aspie.


Thank you.

I had this revelation recently.

True nale comrade and brotherhood is one of the most powerful connections in the human experience.

This 6 minute video captures my views perfectly if you find the time:



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08 Sep 2017, 4:16 pm

CharityGoodyGrace wrote:
Just focus on all the great relationships you have here, and elsewhere if applicable... maybe one of them will turn into the kind of relationship you are looking for, or maybe you need to look for just ANY kind of relationship and just love it. Friendships and brother-sister type relationships are just as good and great and deep as a romantic relationship, just in a different way.


I do have really close relationship with my mother. Problem is, she is much older than me so where would we go hang out?

Me and brother are friends I guess, though he hates hanging out with me in public(he acts that way with the entire family though.)

I moved away from where I use to live and drifted away from any acquaintances I had so really my mother is really the only close relationship I have left!


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Autism is a disorder not a personality trait!

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference."


Marknis
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09 Sep 2017, 12:08 pm

AquaineBay wrote:
CharityGoodyGrace wrote:
Just focus on all the great relationships you have here, and elsewhere if applicable... maybe one of them will turn into the kind of relationship you are looking for, or maybe you need to look for just ANY kind of relationship and just love it. Friendships and brother-sister type relationships are just as good and great and deep as a romantic relationship, just in a different way.


I do have really close relationship with my mother. Problem is, she is much older than me so where would we go hang out?

Me and brother are friends I guess, though he hates hanging out with me in public(he acts that way with the entire family though.)

I moved away from where I use to live and drifted away from any acquaintances I had so really my mother is really the only close relationship I have left!


How is she like?

My mother and I tend to clash but she did let me go see one of my favorite bands last night and gave me extra money for myself, my cousin, and his girlfriend.



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09 Sep 2017, 3:48 pm

Marknis wrote:
AquaineBay wrote:
CharityGoodyGrace wrote:
Just focus on all the great relationships you have here, and elsewhere if applicable... maybe one of them will turn into the kind of relationship you are looking for, or maybe you need to look for just ANY kind of relationship and just love it. Friendships and brother-sister type relationships are just as good and great and deep as a romantic relationship, just in a different way.


I do have really close relationship with my mother. Problem is, she is much older than me so where would we go hang out?

Me and brother are friends I guess, though he hates hanging out with me in public(he acts that way with the entire family though.)

I moved away from where I use to live and drifted away from any acquaintances I had so really my mother is really the only close relationship I have left!


How is she like?

My mother and I tend to clash but she did let me go see one of my favorite bands last night and gave me extra money for myself, my cousin, and his girlfriend.


She is a nice person. We make jokes toward each other, talk about some things, hung out.
We actually don't clash much(which sounds like a good thing but, maybe we hide what we actually feel at times... It's hard to truly know someone without clashes, it's going to happen.)

She played video games with her children(I think she played some of them to an unhealthy degree.) But we would do teamwork in games(which I really miss.) competing didn't go so well though.(probably my fault, I was a sore loser back then.) But yeah, I like her and wouldn't trade her for another mother ever! :D


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Autism is a disorder not a personality trait!

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference."


Marknis
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10 Sep 2017, 8:13 pm

I sometimes feel like I am the only one who didn't have a dating and sex life in my developmental years. I've read people state how in their high school years they did a lot of dating and had sexual experiences; I know that a lot of my classmates did as well but it's like those oppurtunities never came up for me. After coming home from school, I was stuck in the house most of the time and I had no real neighborhood friends during that time. Even as an adult, I still feel like those worlds are out of my reach. Like with the moon, I can look at them but I can't get to them.