What can I do to help my brother get women more?

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My brother has been feeling very lonely when it comes to the opposite sex and I talked about it before in this previous thread from months ago:

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But I was thinking maybe it's time I try to help him get some dates. However, he doesn't act like the majority of women would want him to act. He is not an 'alpha-male', or suave at all, and I want to teach him, but since he is autistic and has trouble with social skills, is there anything I can do or any type of approach I should take?

There's a chance he will be very literal in any direction you give him. Even if he does manage to execute a move, then what? I think the problem with a lot of people on the spectrum, particularly for males, is social skills development is neglected and then he hits puberty and wants a romantic relationship, but has no social basis to launch that from. If socially appropriate small talk is driving city streets, then a romantic relationship is a rally race along treacherous terrain. So I think it's very important to develop basic social skills at human interaction first.

One approach may be to teach him appropriate social skills.
Another approach may be to hook him up with someone where "normal" social skills are not a requirement.

Well he'd probably be better off with less typical women...if he's not an 'alpha male' then it wont help to try to pretend to be one just to attract a women who likes that. A better goal would be for him to be his best self not put on an entirely different false persona. What kinds of things is he interested and what activities does he do?

Definitely don't do what my older brother did to me. He would make me go to bars and hang out with his fellow as*hole friends because he claimed I just needed to be more like him if I wanted a girlfriend. However, the bars in the culture I live in are mostly dive bars and "bro" bars. They did not help me with female interaction at all since mostly men go to them and they would be congested with smoke, spilled beer as well as piss and vomit would be on the floor, country music would be blasted, and the guys mainly just wanted to shout "YEEEAAAHHH! f**k YEAH!" at the football game playing on the TV. His friends just wanted to smoke, drink, obsess about cars and football, play only FPS games because everything else was "gay", blast "bro" bands, and boast about how much "p****" they had gotten as well as the size of their dicks. I will admit that I tried to interact with them but I never truly felt I fit in with them and a night that was supposed to end with us all getting girls (I think we were going to a gentleman's club) did not happen at all. The girls they hung out didn't want to be my friend; I didn't smoke or drink so that didn't help at all.

The "bro" culture is not aspie friendly at all and needs to be avoided. Please encourage your brother to follow his passions and expand his knowledge. Saying things like "You need to get your dick wet!" like my jerk of an older brother did will just hurt him even more. I refuse to go anywhere that reeks of "bro" or alpha male culture due to the damage it caused me and I refuse to smoke or drink (Besides the occasional wine or champagne or sweet drink).

By the way, a lot of those "as*holes" are no longer friends with my older brother. The alpha male posturing eventually tore apart their friendships.

But almost all women want an alpha male. Even years ago, when I would be myself around women I would go through hundreds of women over the years and never got a single one. Then I started to read books on how to get women, took on the alpha male persona, and I got women here and there, and finally got dates and relationships, after getting good at it enough.

So it's just the price you have to pay to get women, or at least not being alpha male-ish has never worked for me in my experience.

I second both of those answers !

Yes, just being oneself, and honesty and frankness can't be wrong. Someone will like him as he is.

I'll add that women who aren't in top-tier demand won't be as judgemental about his lack of "alpha-male" status, or "normal social skills."

Michael829

Confidence and good social skills/etiquette are two of the most important things that women look for. Aspies usually have neither, which makes dating so tough.

Like others have said, he needs to be in the right environment to meet the right type of people for him. Hanging out in bars, and loud night clubs probably isn't the best place for him.

How is your brother doing emotional health wise? Did he come of the medication you were concerned about last year?

Find him women to meet that want a guy like him.
Don't try to turn him into something he is not, this will always look fake and off-putting, doubly so for someone on the spectrum.

He's not doing much better, which is why I thought I would try to help him with women, before he starts to feel worse and more lonely.

As for finding women that are like him, where would I find these women?

I am going to challenge that. My son is in no way an alpha male yet there have always been girls that like him. He didn't always see it, but I could. Even if he didn't know what flirting looked like, I did and my sisters did. He's just an average kind of guy looks wise and even has some grooming habits I find distasteful, but I think he is also what people view as accessible, ie easy to start a conversation with and not intimidating. He's done a lot of social skills training, his sister has nagged him on his worst grooming habits, and we've all talked to him about how to behave around women. I don't think he has ever asked a crush out cold; everyone is a "friend" until they make it beyond obvious they want to date him. He isn't into sports or rock concerts; he's a Magic and DnD kind of guy who also loves to hike, bike and eat out, the last 3 of which make decent dating opportunities. But he is also someone who regularly engages in leadership roles in the various clubs he joins, and in that way he is visible and, again, I think, accessible. He is also clearly smart, and not afraid to talk in class. People notice him, and its usually positive. Whether or not people falsely think he'll be the next Bill Gates, that I can't say; he is pretty clear about not caring about success or money (he has good income earning prospects regardless, but will probably become a teacher). It seems to work; he currently has a pretty serious girl friend.

For those who haven't recently had preteen daughters in the house, understand that TV shows and movies geared to the tween set often romanticize, for better or worse, the awkward smart kid. A lot more girls go for the type than used to. I understand that the stereotype severely limits how many people can benefit from it, but I would assume that for a lot of ASD guys it is a more realistic projection than the alpha male model.

I would suggest working on social skills, grooming and creating an accessible (non-threatening but somewhat attractive) presence. I would also suggest doing things that help a person get noticed in a positive way: taking on leadership roles in clubs and volunteer organizations, for example. Excelling in hobbies and exhibiting the results. Etc.

Find him an Aspie girl. I think God for mine.

Oh okay. I'm just going by own personal experience, and I never got positive results from women, until I act all alpha male-ish. For some reason it's been like that for me.

As for finding him an aspie girl, where would I find them, especially since it's very much less common in women compared to men, I hear.

I gotta say though, this is complete opposite advice than what I got when asking other people. Other people say he is better off with a neurotypical woman, cause if he goes with an autistic or aspie girl, they will have even more trouble communicating with each other as a couple, and the lack of communication and progress would be double, therefore.

I'm not the one who brought up the Aspie girl idea, but I'm curious if the opposite advice you've gotten is from nuerotypical people or others on this forum. From what I've observed, Aspies are quite good at communicating with and understanding each other, although there can be pairs that are completely incompatible with each other, just as there are among nuerotypicals. ASD is more of a communication difference than an impairment, but that isn't a distinction most nuerotypical people can understand.

You are right about the demographic issue, however.

My son's girlfriend isn't ASD, but she is quirky. She's an artist. They met when she joined a club video game design team as the artist. Not exactly a lot of women doing that, either. But one never knows where or when the right person will come along. You don't rule anything out.

I met mine at Comic Con. She started the conversation. We click and understand each other on ever level. I thank God for her every day.