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See a girl. Automatically think of dating her

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Marknis
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16 Sep 2017, 2:26 pm

Whenever I see an attractive girl, my instinct is to automatically think about dating her. Unfortunately, my shyness and anxiety generally wins out so I don't end up asking and the few times I've done it has either resulted in "My boyfriend wouldn't like that." or "I am too busy." so I go back to square one either way.

I just wonder if this is the right way to go about it. It seemed to work for my older brother. He would immediately approach girls and they would already be a couple. Some would immediately come to him and tell him they wanted to date him. Aside from my only girlfriend and some at school that I didn't find attractive, I never have the first move come towards me.

I really want to get out of my dating rut but it feels like all options are closed off to me. Since I am 29 years old and lack a significant dating history, it feels like I am doomed.



Sweetleaf
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16 Sep 2017, 5:04 pm

going around in circles wont get you out of that rut....work on becoming more independent, I think the biggest thing holding you back is the toxic environment you live in and being more or less dependent on your mom because she has access to your bank account. I can't say it will be easy, but if you do nothing about it and just keep obsessing over not having a girlfriend nothing is going to change.

I think you have mentioned a therapist you go to, have you talked to them about your living situation, and your mom controlling your money so you can't save up or ever have enough to make any life changes. There are resources to help people become independent and get housing. If you put all the time and energy you put into mulling over being single, into working on those things then you could pull yourself out of the entire rut. I mean at least get control of your money, before worrying about a girlfriend.


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sly279
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16 Sep 2017, 5:49 pm

Sweat leaf do you know any other women like you who'd date a loser guy?



kraftiekortie
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16 Sep 2017, 5:59 pm

Sweetleaf is not dating a loser guy--and you're not a loser, either.



sly279
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16 Sep 2017, 6:46 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Sweetleaf is not dating a loser guy--and you're not a loser, either.


By society's standards I am and if I remember quite her bf isn't middle class either.

That's not something I can change I'll be lucky if I keep this kinda job



TheSpectrum
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16 Sep 2017, 6:55 pm

Honestly, OP? I think any guy who is physically or romantically attracted to a new girl they meet will daydream like this. Doesn't have to be more than 2 seconds but remember 2 seconds in a computer brain is a lifetime and in a daydream a fairly damn long time as well.


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16 Sep 2017, 9:15 pm

sly279 wrote:
Sweat leaf do you know any other women like you who'd date a loser guy?


I know women who date odd people, though most my acquaintances are guys...and they get dates, and I don't know any well off guys that have all their sh*t together. Thing is most people I know are still living life and enjoying passions in spite of not being totally successful 'normies' hitting all the milestones society says you should hit by this or that age. There are women who aren't obsessed with materialism and more want to enjoy life with a compatible person, even if it means there will be some hardships.


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16 Sep 2017, 9:17 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Sweetleaf is not dating a loser guy--and you're not a loser, either.


I am sure there are people that would think that, because he's not 'well off' he's not into sports prefers to paint Warhammer minatures and some of his clothes are a bit torn up....but yeah those aren't people me and him would want as friends.


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sly279
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16 Sep 2017, 9:42 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
sly279 wrote:
Sweat leaf do you know any other women like you who'd date a loser guy?


I know women who date odd people, though most my acquaintances are guys...and they get dates, and I don't know any well off guys that have all their sh*t together. Thing is most people I know are still living life and enjoying passions in spite of not being totally successful 'normies' hitting all the milestones society says you should hit by this or that age. There are women who aren't obsessed with materialism and more want to enjoy life with a compatible person, even if it means there will be some hardships.


Wish I could find one of them. I'll never have my life together. You understand what it's like to be on disability. I'm going have to be one it forever working part time jobs. I have things I enjoy doing I just wish I could finds someone to be with.



sly279
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16 Sep 2017, 9:43 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
Sweetleaf is not dating a loser guy--and you're not a loser, either.


I am sure there are people that would think that, because he's not 'well off' he's not into sports prefers to paint Warhammer minatures and some of his clothes are a bit torn up....but yeah those aren't people me and him would want as friends.


To be clear I certianly would never call anyone a loser . Just know a lot of people call guys like me and him that.

I can't do models. I'm too perfectionist I'd be irritated by my poor painting skills which would certainly cause mistakes.



Marknis
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17 Sep 2017, 2:07 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
going around in circles wont get you out of that rut....work on becoming more independent, I think the biggest thing holding you back is the toxic environment you live in and being more or less dependent on your mom because she has access to your bank account. I can't say it will be easy, but if you do nothing about it and just keep obsessing over not having a girlfriend nothing is going to change.

I think you have mentioned a therapist you go to, have you talked to them about your living situation, and your mom controlling your money so you can't save up or ever have enough to make any life changes. There are resources to help people become independent and get housing. If you put all the time and energy you put into mulling over being single, into working on those things then you could pull yourself out of the entire rut. I mean at least get control of your money, before worrying about a girlfriend.


I have talked to my therapist about it and my mother has resentful feelings about her. It's mainly because she was expecting her to "cure" me instantly but I've been with her for almost six years now. I don't think my mind can be "cured" overnight. I've suffered from so much contradictory messages being shoved down my throat that it's really damaged me.

Even if I get control of my money, I still need to save up quite a lot. I used to overspend on hobbies such as CDs, comics, and anime DVDs and that eventually caught up with me. I've slowed down since I realized I don't have to rush on entertainment but some other things have really set me back. I had to replace my car's windshield wipers, air filter, and get the oil changed which isn't cheap at all. I was also surprised by how much money I spent on toothbrushes, toothpaste, and distilled water (I need it for my CPAP).



Marknis
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17 Sep 2017, 2:21 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
sly279 wrote:
Sweat leaf do you know any other women like you who'd date a loser guy?


I know women who date odd people, though most my acquaintances are guys...and they get dates, and I don't know any well off guys that have all their sh*t together. Thing is most people I know are still living life and enjoying passions in spite of not being totally successful 'normies' hitting all the milestones society says you should hit by this or that age. There are women who aren't obsessed with materialism and more want to enjoy life with a compatible person, even if it means there will be some hardships.


My mother actually thinks living with her shouldn't be a problem in getting a girlfriend because she keeps claiming more Millenials are living with their parents than on their own. This doesn't change the fact that my status living with her was a deal breaker for the women I talked to at the Speed Dating events I tried out and I've seen women my age say they don't want a boyfriend who still lives with his mother. I just can't buy into what my mother says because she's such a control freak.

Your culture sounds a lot more accepting than the Bible Belt. The Bible Belt is very damning (No pun intended) in regards to gender expectations.



Marknis
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17 Sep 2017, 2:50 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
Sweetleaf is not dating a loser guy--and you're not a loser, either.


I am sure there are people that would think that, because he's not 'well off' he's not into sports prefers to paint Warhammer minatures and some of his clothes are a bit torn up....but yeah those aren't people me and him would want as friends.


I really hate that perception society has about "geeky" people. Apparently they are all social outcasts who have bad acne, smell bad, talk robotically, and their mental states are somehow worse than a serial killer's. What makes my blood boil is that my older brother and my mother's husband mock people who are outside their pro-Trump good 'ol boy outlook but they do things like urinate on the grass and blast pop country music. My older brother also thinks people who practice martial arts are "weird" and thinks all Asian people talk like "Ahahaha me love you long time!" but will get defensive when rednecks are mocked.

I also find it strange how rednecks view "geeks" as a threat to society while they say they want to "f**k up" someone with a gun. I am not anti-gun or self-defense but if someone wants a gun solely for the purpose to shoot someone, they should not have one.



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17 Sep 2017, 6:30 am

Marknis wrote:
Whenever I see an attractive girl, my instinct is to automatically think about dating her. Unfortunately, my shyness and anxiety generally wins out so I don't end up asking and the few times I've done it has either resulted in "My boyfriend wouldn't like that." or "I am too busy." so I go back to square one either way.

I just wonder if this is the right way to go about it. It seemed to work for my older brother. He would immediately approach girls and they would already be a couple. Some would immediately come to him and tell him they wanted to date him. Aside from my only girlfriend and some at school that I didn't find attractive, I never have the first move come towards me.


Wait so you've asked girls you don't even really know to date you? You've seriously just approached girls and asked them out right after meeting them? I'd say I'm a bit jealous of such confidence; I have trouble with just approaching a person that seems interesting, asking out them out would be next to impossible.

As for if it's the right way to go about it, well... when it works it is and when it doesn't it isn't. If it seems too hard or you just can't make it work, then you don't have to handle things the way your brother does. You could try to make friends with women that seem interesting at first and ask them out later when you already know them. If they still seem like a potential girlfriend that is.



whatamievendoing
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17 Sep 2017, 7:06 am

Marknis wrote:
I just wonder if this is the right way to go about it. It seemed to work for my older brother. He would immediately approach girls and they would already be a couple. Some would immediately come to him and tell him they wanted to date him. Aside from my only girlfriend and some at school that I didn't find attractive, I never have the first move come towards me.


Here's the thing, though: is your older brother a handsome, funny, "non-weird" extrovert? If he is, it's only natural that women would flock his way. The dating game favors that archetype.


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Marknis
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17 Sep 2017, 9:48 am

Fireblossom wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Whenever I see an attractive girl, my instinct is to automatically think about dating her. Unfortunately, my shyness and anxiety generally wins out so I don't end up asking and the few times I've done it has either resulted in "My boyfriend wouldn't like that." or "I am too busy." so I go back to square one either way.

I just wonder if this is the right way to go about it. It seemed to work for my older brother. He would immediately approach girls and they would already be a couple. Some would immediately come to him and tell him they wanted to date him. Aside from my only girlfriend and some at school that I didn't find attractive, I never have the first move come towards me.


Wait so you've asked girls you don't even really know to date you? You've seriously just approached girls and asked them out right after meeting them? I'd say I'm a bit jealous of such confidence; I have trouble with just approaching a person that seems interesting, asking out them out would be next to impossible.

As for if it's the right way to go about it, well... when it works it is and when it doesn't it isn't. If it seems too hard or you just can't make it work, then you don't have to handle things the way your brother does. You could try to make friends with women that seem interesting at first and ask them out later when you already know them. If they still seem like a potential girlfriend that is.


If only that was true. I am not a confident person at all. I just managed to force myself to ask the few times I did.

Making friends is another struggle for me. Here in the Bible Belt, most people are either super uptight and brainwashed by religion or they just want Jesus as a cheap ticket to Heaven or jerks who only care about drinking until they pass out, smoking until their body smells like smoke, listen to sh***y pop country or rap music, and are gun fanatics who just want a gun to kill someone legally instead of self-defense. At college, most people just stared into their cellphones and refused to socialize whenever I tried to talk to them. No one ever approaches me first in either dating or friendships.



Last edited by Marknis on 17 Sep 2017, 10:07 am, edited 1 time in total.