What’s the likelihood?

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My Aspie friend. . . . .we have been having more and more difficulties, fall outs and arguments. He accuses me of smothering him. I suggest I just want a degree of reciprocation . . .. .

He has now blocked me and ignored all messages. . . . .whats the chances of him deciding he misses me and making contact?

I’m not contacting him . . .. . I have tried for 3yrs in this friendship with less and less reciprocation.. . . . .if he contacted me I would be happy to resume a friendship, but that’s unlikley to happen . .. . Isn’t it?

It sounds like you're not compatible as friends, that you have different ideas of what friendship is and how it works. Your idea of reciprocity is his idea of smothering. It wasn't meant to be. Let it go.

I have. . . .. . . But still sad. We had some great times together. . . .. .

I'm sorry it hasn't worked out because you really do adore him.

I've made some new friends recently and I've realised that it's so much better when a friendship actually works. There were people I was banging my head against a wall with and I was really unhappy. I liked them, but they were introverts or a little peculiar and didn't want the kind of friendship I wanted... and that's saying something because you know I'm not the text hello everyday type... they were really introverted if even I am extroverted in comparison.

But when it does work, it's really good and not a soul destroying mess.

Don't blame yourself. We are all just different and want different things. I've lost some wonderful people along the way because our lives diverged and I miss them, but I also have found friendship in other places which eases how much I miss them.

It must be hard to accept that the other person is putting an end to a relationship, unilaterally. Because a relationship's nature is just opposite : reciprocal.

I personally tend to end first all relationships because they are overwhelming to me, generate a lot of anxiety and are too much time-consuming. Hence, when it is ending, it is always a big relief (even if I liked the person) and then I think happily of all the time I will have for the stuff I like and my passions.

For the likelihood calculation, I would move the topic into "Math topics". (it's my humour, take it or bin it)

Thanks hurtloam . . .yes I adored the man, we were very close friends and initially he was the one who was overwhelming and slightly suffocating, but move on 3yrs and it seems he is no longer interested in maintaining the reciprocation I required. . . . .. it is sad, but if it is space he needs then he has it,but the door is always open if he wants to reinitiate the friendship.

We nearly finished our friendship just after Christmas, but he was adamant he wanted us to keep trying. . . . I gave him loads of space to the point where I actually thought we were no longer speaking . . .. . . When I bumped into him, he was so happy to see me, many hugs and lots of warmth . . .. a week later after nothing I suggested that he did need to message me occasionally just so I knew if he wanted to maintain contact. . . . He then exploded at me, and blocked me.

I have lots of friends, I wanted him as my friend I didn’t need him . . .. . I will miss many things about him but it really will be up to him to repair the situation this time, and I think that is probably unlikely . . . . .

I had pretty much a very similar experience to Anngables with my former aspie friend, and it was heartbreaking. The closer we got, the more he ended up pushing away until he totally ignored me altogether. The problem here is that these men WERE close to us, they DID reciprocate for a while, they DID lead us on thinking we had a friend. But the closer the friendship became, they freak out and push away. This is what LaetiBlabla seems to be saying from the aspie perspective too. So my question is why do you do this? You said that you end it because of anxiety or being too time consuming and it was a relief to end it. But when you do that, was it after a period of closer friendship? Would you be able to explain further what you mean, or how it can be a relief to actually end a friendship rather than deepen one? And if it was a relief, were you glad to get rid of the person, and if so, how does that relate back to what you previously felt for that person? Did you feel this way over someone you once cared for or enjoyed having in your life? I don't understand how it can be better to cut off a relationship that was good than to explore it further for what it is. And that is what happened to me and I believe that is what happened to Anngables. It is maddening to feel so much like you have a friend then one day--POOF! They start ignoring you and you have no idea why and you know it is not anything you did because you were kind and it makes no sense because you really thought the person was a very close friend. And you thought that BECAUSE they WERE a close friend to you. How can it possibly be better to cut someone off? This IS NOT a situation where the aspie in question in her or my case was simply "not interested", no, this is, in both cases, a situation where the aspie WAS interested and WAS a friend and there was a history there. Then one day they ignore you, and at least in my case, won't even respond as much as to tell you why. This is a great mystery to me and I don't know how to understand it. And I don't know how or if I can ever get my friend back. It hurts and it's not right. Please, someone, if you can explain this for us....we both hurt and don't understand. It's like waiting for something that is never ever going to happen. Seems like they just go cold and don't care.

If anyone desires to attack me, go ahead, I don't care what you say. This is what it feels like on the receiving end. I am being honest.

I think Imhere that the energy it took my friend to give what is needed to maintain the friendship is very draining . .. . With my friend I think the initial excitement and interest in me fired our connection. . . . .but after a time he feels he know enough . . . He doesn’t need any more information. As far as he was concerned we were friends, he told me he cared, he was willing to meet up. . . . But he didn’t understand my need for contact and communication. That became stifling and suffocating . . . . And he then decided it was better to sacrifice the friendship than to feel he kept getting it wrong in the reciprocation stakes. . . .. . .. .

I understand that . . .. . My problem was I feel I adjusted to his needs for less and less communication until it felt there was no friendship at all . . . .. . I don’t think he understood that,

Last edited by Anngables on 26 Mar 2018, 5:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ditto everything you said. But I still don't understand how they can disregard us and seem to not care at all about that. It's doubled: they don't seem to care that we are not in their lives (they pushed us out) AND they don't care that we DID care and that we feel loss as a result of their absence in our lives. It hurts on our end so much. I'm so terribly sorry that it hurts them so much to have someone care for them. <sarcasm> Then you have so many other aspies who say they have such a hard time finding someone to care for them. The irony is killing me. And I still can't get over the loss of my friend, no matter how cold he has behaved, I miss him terribly. Because we DID share something special and that was not imagined. It just didn't mean enough to him.

I feel deceived and betrayed...because wherever you are, you made me believe you cared and then you left my life without reason or warning!

And Anngables, I am so sorry you are having to go through this too. If anyone had a chance at making a friendship with an aspie work, it was you. You had such a better handle on understanding everything and you are very wise and compassionate. But in the end, it's them. They (these two individual men) just can't be close.

I will survive . . .. .. . I just carry guilt that I should have adapted more. . . ..

But the truth is much of the time we were causing each other more anxiety than enjoyment. When we were in each other’s company it was lovely. . . .. it was trying to maintain contact between times that caused the strife. C’est le vie. . . .. . .. . .

And I also remember that friendships and relationships end for reasons that are not necessarily anything to do with autism or communication difficulties . . .. . He may just have got bored and fed up with me . . ..

In the meantime I am making art . . . .was going to post a photo but can’t work out how to do that

Honestly, anyone can see that you adapted more than your share that could have ever been expected, he did not. You cannot be expected to be there only when you are desired and disappear into the ether when you are not desired. You have needs too.

As to your original question, what's the likelihood? I don't know. I keep wishing for my aspie to contact me and I dream of a day when he will approach me again. But in reality it will probably never happen.

Moving on is the only answer . . . .. . Firstly it is unlikely that they will change their mind, they came to the decision for reasons even if they have not shared them with us (although my friend had told me he felt suffocated previously) . . . .secondly if they need space, they need to feel that we are not still “over emotional” and “over involved” . . .. .

I am taking the time and space . . .. . And remembering that maybe friendships are not meant to be this difficult

I dream of my friend realizing that he misses me and how much I meant to him, and reaching out to tell me that. But I don't think I'll ever get to experience that moment.

Excuse me for looking at this obtusely but unless I'm mistaken that's why some of you are here anyway; I think the likelihood of reconciliation is just fine here provided everyone can unwind on their own time. You all already know each other, I deleted my FB when my favorite lady blocked me and we're still friendly. Reality has very little to do with a few thoughtless clicks on some over hyped webpage.

In my case, it has nothing to do with social media. And it's so much more than Anngables getting blocked in only that way. So much more than that.

It hurts so much because it's like I was lied to. Like I had a friend whom I adored, then it's like, no, never mind, never gave a damn about you anyway. There's no amount of "aspies feel empathy differently" that can take away that hurt. How I was treated was just plain wrong, no disability can explain it let alone excuse it. And just because something is hard to handle doesn't mean you quit. Especially not my aspie, he doesn't quit anything, he doesn't let any challenge beat him, ever. He can do the impossible just because he decides to. Except his relationship with me. I wasn't worth it. And my aspie friend has had 7 months of "space" at this point. He'll never come back. Yet all I still dream of is him coming back saying he ran because he was afraid because he cared too much but he's ready now. In reality I don't think he cares at all. And I'll never hear from him again. And worse, I hurt and he doesn't even care. I'm fairly certain at this point he probably doesn't even ever think of me at all.