Friendship or more?

Post Reply New Topic

I met a man who I believe is an aspie a year ago. I am a NT. We have emailed since then. He has my phone number but never calls. In the emails he thanks me for my wonderful friendship and that he appreciates my wise advice and comments. I saw him at a meeting, he shook my hand and put his arm around me, held me and closed his eyes for a few seconds, and then said many times how much he appreciated me being there and my friendship and my honesty.

I'm confused in two ways: (1) Do I ask him if he is an aspie? (2) I don't know if he wants this friendship to go to another level or not. He really gives me no signs. I like him just the way he is and would like to take it to another level. I feel that the man should make the first step, but I've read that the NT should make the first move. How do I do that without hurting him or putting any pressure on him?

Open for advice. Thanks.

(1) Ask him. Nicely. Someone asked me, I had never heard of it, so I looked it up and it was a revelation.
(2) Tell him what you feel and ask him what he feels (in that order - he might not feel comfortable answering if he doesn't know what you feel first). Don't rely on subtext or signals, 'cause if he's anything like me, he's likely to either completely miss it or feel uncertain. And he's not likely to make the first move, or any other move before you do. But if he feels what you feel, he'll either follow your lead or he might want to take tiny steps. It might be a difficult process for him, so be patient but honest if you really like him.

If he is in fact an aspie, it's likely more difficult for him to take the first step than it is for you as a woman to make the first step, as Asperger is genetic and the idea that the man should take the first step is just bullshit tradition if you excuse my language.

Thanks Vince. Very helpful!
(1) When you mentioned it was a revelation, can you explain that to me?
(2) Does he or can he feel anything towards others? Is it confusing to him? Does he even know?
(3) Since he doesn't seem to like phone conversations, should I email him instead? He seems to process things better by email.
(4) He has talked about his Shadow and that it is difficult to get his Shadow to come out in public. Can you explain that?
Thanks.

I can answer some of those...

2) Aspies often have feelings towards others (often aspie emotions are far more powerful than NT emotions in general), it's just that aspies don't express emotions as easily, or in ways that NT's wouldn't see (just as aspies miss most NT emotional cues)... If you're a trekkie, think of vulcans... that'll put you in the ballpark...

3) Aspies can deal with text better than voice. Again it's the whole emotional detection thing. When everything is laid out in text, an aspie has a much easier time processing communication.

TOS: Thanks. I didn't realize aspies could have more powerful emotions than a NT. Sometimes I express my emotions and it seems he hides in a cave for a while and then comes out and emails me a few days to a week later. I worry about him.

How can a NT express emotions that an aspie will understand? I have given clues in the past that he hasn't gotten.

He has a birthday coming up. Any suggestions for an aspie?

Thanks.

I wouldnt worry about such things... sometimes an aspie can take weeks to process and understand a certain emotion that surfaces within them... one time it took me upwards of 6 or 7 months to figure out that I was in love with this one girl...

The different expressions of emotions are basically two different languages, and interpreting between them is very hard. Recently I have been able to learn how to interpret a limited amount of NT emotions (enough that I can pass for an NT for limited amounts of time)...

The main thing to keep in mind with aspies is that you have to spell out your feelings. It may seem a little ridiculous at first, but if you actually say your feelings out loud, he will at least be able to understand them. You also need to state that he can take his time to think about the feelings you just expressed, so as to not overwhelm him.

As for birthdays, most aspies are less concerned with price of anything you may get them... what you should focus on is whatever his intense aspie interest may be. If you're off a little bit, he may say that he hates the gift (I did this once to a a friend of mine who gave me a harry potter DVD... and I'm not a real harry potter fan). The main thing to remember if he does that is that he's only judging the gift, and it has no impact on what he thinks of you...

(1) All my social anxieties, my difficulty with intimacy and communicating emotion, my pickiness with food, the way people misinterpret everything I say as negative and pretty much everything I've ever experienced started to make sense to me, and I wasn't the only one. There are other people like me. It kind of feels good to know.
(2) As mentioned, emotions may be very strong though communication (both ways - both sending and reading signals) is difficult and the whole emotional thing is a different process; very cerebral. Sometimes I have to walk around in my house and monologue to myself about a thing for a while before I figure out what I feel about it. Sometimes it takes one monologue, and sometimes it takes a month of monologue sessions. But when I have an emotion, it can get very strong. Sometimes an emotion gets really strong before I even know what it is and then I have to go on a few tangents just to figure out what it is I'm feeling. It's really hard to explain. Anyway, I don't think my process is the same as most other aspies or anything. It's just how I do it. I guess my point is that it's kind of cerebral and might not necessarily be an Instant Emotion type of deal, but that the emotions can be very strong none the less.
(3) The reason why he doesn't call you might be because he doesn't feel he has a valid excuse to call you. Initiating a conversation with no planned topic can be very difficult and awkward. I don't call people unless I have something specific to tell or ask them about. Simply because of the fear that it's just gonna end up being "Yes?" "Hi..." "Why did you call me?" "I...don't know..." *click*. A conversation with no topic is to many aspies a very scary thing.
(4) That sounds like one o' them personal metaphors. I reckon it means something to him, but only he knows what. It might mean that he doesn't have the words to describe his situation literally. He might benefit from looking up Asperger Syndrome.

And about the birthday: Whatever you do, don't throw him a surprise party.