The difference between flirting and just being nice

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pbcoll
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28 Mar 2009, 8:44 pm

I think there have been studies showing that, most men and women can tell when a man is interested romantically/sexually in a girl from when he's just being civil to her from when he wants just friendship - however, when watching a woman, both men and women usually cannot reliably tell whether she's interested in the guy or not. And guys misinterpret signals, in mistaking flirting for friendly interest as well as friendky interest for flirting, most of the time. These were studies with the overall population, not just aspies.

I personally can't tell the difference, much worse in my view, cannot tell the difference, at all, between fake flirting (flirting for the sake of flirting without any actual interest) and real flirting (when she's actually interested - I'm not saying marriage, but as in talking to me again or getting to know me better). Fake flirting I view as a particularly selfish mind game and I find it contemptible.


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CelticGoddess
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28 Mar 2009, 9:55 pm

EnglishLulu wrote:
I struggle with this as well. One of my exes, he'd fancied me for quite literally years while we were friends and I was totally oblivious, and when we finally got together and I mentioned to mutual friends that I'd had no idea he liked me that and they said they'd all known for ages because it was *obvious* well, to everyone - apart from me - apparently.


I can relate to that. My husband had a crush on me for 10 years before I realized it. :lol:



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28 Mar 2009, 11:51 pm

The only time I can tell is when they're being ridiculously direct.

For example...

A friend of mine took me out to a bar for my 21st birthday and there was a guy there. He kept buying wanting to buy me drinks (which is pretty obvious). But the guy had a wedding ring so.... yeahhhh... no.

Then when my friend and I got up to leave he goes, "If you're going somewhere else you should come to my house."

So it has to be pretty in my face before I'll pick up on it.



Learning2Survive
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28 Mar 2009, 11:54 pm

MizLiz wrote:
The only time I can tell is when they're being ridiculously direct.

For example...

A friend of mine took me out to a bar for my 21st birthday and there was a guy there. He kept buying wanting to buy me drinks (which is pretty obvious). But the guy had a wedding ring so.... yeahhhh... no.

Then when my friend and I got up to leave he goes, "If you're going somewhere else you should come to my house."

So it has to be pretty in my face before I'll pick up on it.


if you are going to drink with a guy, you should drink with me (but i'll have to stay sober cuz i don't drink)


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Keeno
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29 Mar 2009, 9:06 am

I've been caught out with this before, until it was pointed out that perhaps I am mistaking females as being more interested than they are and that this is more common in Aspies. So yes, probably better to err on the side of caution.



ptown
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29 Mar 2009, 11:03 am

Is touching part of flirting? Or just asking for nurturing?

I have an Aspie friend who much younger than me. Lately he's been touching me alot. I don't mind because I come from a very affectionate family and culture and I'm really hippie-dippie so touching friends, hugging friends, massaging friends, etc...is NORMAL for me.

I'm as old as his mom. He's having lots of trouble at home with her and he's pretty scared as the situation is volatile.

He has never clearly stated the nature of our relationship other than he feels close to me and safe with me. I could be big sister, 2nd mom, friend, etc...

But several times in the last few weeks, in front of colleagues, he has touched me (arm, shoulder, fingers, hand) and once, when he was really stressed out, actually took and held my hand and didnt' let go until i had to gently let go.

We've shared 4 or 5 hugs in the last two weeks, which, is normal for me. He's not the only person I hug during the day.

Any opinions about touching? I certainly don't feel it is inappropriate. If he was in a child-like emotional state, he would want some kind of comforting or connection or feeling of being supported...

So, is it flirting or is it wanting safe nurturing or neither or both or?



Keeno
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29 Mar 2009, 4:56 pm

This is what I want to know, seeing as how I meet so many Aspies, including many female Aspies.

How do you tell the difference between flirting and just being nice when you are both Aspies? How do you tell if someone is interested in you romantically when they are an Aspie?

I had to ask since generally, both parties would have reduced non-verbal communication behaviours, which is exactly the essence to flirting among NT's.



Keeno
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29 Mar 2009, 5:05 pm

ptown wrote:
Is touching part of flirting? Or just asking for nurturing?

I have an Aspie friend who much younger than me. Lately he's been touching me alot. I don't mind because I come from a very affectionate family and culture and I'm really hippie-dippie so touching friends, hugging friends, massaging friends, etc...is NORMAL for me.

I'm as old as his mom. He's having lots of trouble at home with her and he's pretty scared as the situation is volatile.

He has never clearly stated the nature of our relationship other than he feels close to me and safe with me. I could be big sister, 2nd mom, friend, etc...

But several times in the last few weeks, in front of colleagues, he has touched me (arm, shoulder, fingers, hand) and once, when he was really stressed out, actually took and held my hand and didnt' let go until i had to gently let go.

We've shared 4 or 5 hugs in the last two weeks, which, is normal for me. He's not the only person I hug during the day.

Any opinions about touching? I certainly don't feel it is inappropriate. If he was in a child-like emotional state, he would want some kind of comforting or connection or feeling of being supported...

So, is it flirting or is it wanting safe nurturing or neither or both or?


And, about your question, it's hard to comment but has he talked to you a lot about romance - i.e. about what sort of women he likes? About what he would like out of a relationship? About being lonely and wanting a partner, etc.?

Maybe he has when you have such a close friendship and maybe it'll be a different demographic than what you are. I'm reminded of a friend of mine and the friendship I have with her. She's older than me and I would admit I've leaned on her for safe nurturing at times in the past. She's not an Aspie, but does have a son with autism.



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29 Mar 2009, 6:59 pm

I'm hopeless. I just don't notice if a guy is flirting until he puts his arm around me...at which point I usually panic!
Apparently, a friend of mine flirted with me for a couple of years, and I just didn't get it!
I generally have to assume that someone is just being nice, since who would really be interested in a clumsy, socially-inept geek?


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ptown
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29 Mar 2009, 9:01 pm

Quote:
And, about your question, it's hard to comment but has he talked to you a lot about romance - i.e. about what sort of women he likes? About what he would like out of a relationship? About being lonely and wanting a partner, etc.?

Maybe he has when you have such a close friendship and maybe it'll be a different demographic than what you are. I'm reminded of a friend of mine and the friendship I have with her. She's older than me and I would admit I've leaned on her for safe nurturing at times in the past. She's not an Aspie, but does have a son with autism.


He's never had a girlfriend. He says all his girlfriends are internet photos! He said he feels married to his mom and needs to get away from her. I asked him what kind of woman he likes, what actresses or singers he finds attractive and he says all women interest him. He is definitely lonely and definitely a virgin and has never even kissed a female. He does make sexual jokes from time to time and he does ask me questions about sex...



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29 Mar 2009, 10:25 pm

ptown wrote:
He's never had a girlfriend... He is definitely lonely and definitely a virgin and has never even kissed a female.

Is that a bad thing? It's quite common around here...



ptown
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29 Mar 2009, 11:35 pm

no, of COURSE it's not a bad thing. i was just answering Keeno's question (above) with as much detail as i could...

i've had lots of long term relationships in my 4.5 decades of life. most of it has been confusing and painful overall. in the end, they all fizzle out.



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30 Mar 2009, 12:31 am

Then what difference does it make whether he's flirting with you or not? It sounds like you wouldn't be interested in a romantic relationship with him anyway. So if his touching starts to bother you, just tell him to stop.



ptown
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31 Mar 2009, 9:21 am

cyberman- i PM'd you about this...

everyone else,
what are YOUR signs of flirting and showing interest? what would YOU do to try and capture someone's attention in a romantic way?



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31 Mar 2009, 10:53 am

ptown wrote:
cyberman- i PM'd you about this...

If you did, then I haven't received it... (edit: I got your last PM, and replied.)

As for flirting, I don't really understand how to do it, nor would I have any practical use for it. Though I've sometimes imagined what I'd do if I flirted with a girl... smile at her, speak to her in an affectionate tone, and give her compliments (though nothing too sexual.) But I guess most women wouldn't appreciate it, and even find it offensive or "creepy"... :?



Last edited by Cyberman on 01 Apr 2009, 8:57 am, edited 1 time in total.