How to tell aspie guys the truth about themselves

Post Reply New Topic

Hi,

My aspie friend walks around in a ripped black t shirt with vegetable oil stains and in a pair of lose sweat pants. He looks like a homeless man. He wants to date women and wonders why they won't ask him for his number. Should I tell him to dress better? Or should I meet him where he is at?

My other aspie friend is rude to people everywhere we go, especially women. Should I tell him too? Or should I keep my mouth shut?

And finally, I want my friends to give me feedback on what I do wrong - interrupt, talk rudely, look away, don't smile, etc. - how should I explain to them that I want honest, brutal commentary so that I am at least aware of what I do wrong.

Please tell me the exact words that I should say this as. I might want to just memorize and use your exact words or part of them at least.

P.S. I uploaded a new avatar

do what you feel is right.

sorry dude but i think is kinda unhelpful.. a nice sentiment but still..
no offence
my first thought on topic, would it be possible to sit down & say to the 2 guys something like " right guys, can we have an honest discussion, i think it would help me"
if so it might be fairly easy to start the convo with something like "right guys lets level with each other, we're not THAT successful with the ladies" .. " I'd like to talk about it but i'm worried about offending you & hearing uncomfortable truths" <<< uncomfortable truths kinda to take some emphasis away from their "problems" if that makes sense?
i'm stuck here really, sorry if this isn't too helpful

With the two male friends where you can see things getting in the way of their dating hopes, you could ask, "do you want an honest answer? Will you accept it without getting upset if I make some suggestions? Think about it before you answer, because I don't ever want to say anything that could harm our relationship." If they sincerely want the brutal truth, then you give it as nicely as possible, in between lots of flattery.

Just tell him the truth. He needs it.

Get him a copy of "The game" by neil strauss (book) while you're at it and get him to read it.

Does he dress that way because it's what's comfortable or because he actually thinks its a fashion statement. If it's the former, I would suggest going clothes shopping with him. Help him determine what looks good, though give him some considerable leeway on what feels comfortable. I get the idea that comfort is a much greater determining factor than "fashion" (I used to be the same way, and still am to an extent...)


Does he realize that he's being rude? Sometimes you just have to point out to an aspie that such was rude. Often they may feel shocked at their own behavior, and will generally change rather quickly if such is pointed out, since they simply didn't see it before... However, if you tell him and he is still a repeat offender, then he's not likely to learn the lesson. Ever...

Say just that... you want honest, brutal commentary... others are not likely to believe you at first, so repeat it a few times. Then when someone finally does so, offer your appreciation for the honesty... This generally works eventually among men, but not so much around women (they are masters of subtlety, that's for sure...)


Well, in the spirit of being "brutally honest", I liked the old one better... sorry... Bender just has that appeal...

tell them

they dont act that way because they are dicks they do it because they dont know any better, if you or someone doesnt tell them they arent suddenly going to realise it if they havent already are they????

I think I will just tell them right away that their shirt is dirty or that they a rude to a woman, and then not dwell on it.

I did tell one guy "Hell no, you are not asking the waitress for her number again, dude, no way." He was upset, and I admit I was too harsh, and won't be so again, but actually, the guy was very polite and did not even try bothering women there. Time will tell Whether I acted as an ahole or actually helped him.

If he's an aspie, I would bet on you actually helped him... If, after you told him that X behavior is rude in Y context, he refrains from engaging in X behavior in Y context, he probably picked up on it and adjusted accordingly... Just as aspies can be overly blunt sometimes, sometimes you have to be just as blunt in your dealings with them...

So I told him once rudely, and I am sorry for being rude. But it did have an effect - he was polite to women in the bar unlike the other time. I think he is still my friend because he just sent me a friendly email. I will follow your advice guys and tell him right away when he does something very bad, but I will limit my comments to one per two days. Otherwise, it will just be terrorizing him. I will also say it matter of factly and not point the finger at him. Maybe I will tell him, "Look, this works much better when you talk to a lady like this.." and then model the behavior for him.

Yes, this is all for the best... Don't worry about limiting yourself... pointing out a certain behavior as "inappropriate" should take place instantly to contain the damage... It's not terrorizing, it's development... and it will be significantly more helpful in the long run, even if it doesn't look that way... Since aspies are unable to read the "unwritten rules" of society, someone has to, in a sense, "write them down" (i.e. point them out) for these aspies...

However, as you were saying, do just state it matter-of-factly... the content of the words is what's important and what the aspie will pick up on...

Why? When I was younger I knew plenty of men who wandered around in ripped black t-shirts and scruffy clothes, unkempt hair etc and they had no problem attracting women. "A bit of rough", I believe it was called back then. I also knew those who dressed immaculately, scrubbed and washed behind their ears yet had no luck whatsoever. Considered boring, I suppose. Really, not *all* women are obsessed with appearances.



Hey, I've also known plenty of men who are rude everywhere they go, especially to women, and they had no problem attracting women, either And then there were those men who were polite with impeccable manners at all times, yet totally unattractive to women.

It's a strange world.

Hello,
To answer your first questions, Re the shirt guy, be frank and tell him but be supportive. I know ive fall into this habit from time to time, some suggestions would be to go shopping together and make a day of it, but be prepared to buy one or two for him in the long run they will return the favor.

Your other friend sounds alittle more difficult, it may be a defense mechanism but you should talk about it with them, again be supportive and even joke about it together but dont encourage it.

Sounds like your a good friend, ive done the same thing and been asked not to come back to one place, I didnt realise till it was to late.

About yourself - just tell em- like how you said it.

Tell 'em you looking for a tough honest coach to get yourself whipped into shape.

Your misfit triends may not be able to take tuff love- but if you can take coaching yourself-thats awesome.