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tracylynn
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10 Jan 2006, 8:57 am

I hope it's not bothersome to people here to have an NT asking these questions, but where else am I gonna find the answers? :lol:

I tell my BF I love him fairly frequently, because I do and I want him to know it. He's never said it to me on his own, but sometimes he will answer me back wtih "I love you too." If I ask him if he loves me, most likely he'll say "sure, why wouldn't I".

I don't know if he's trying to avoid lying to me, doesn't understand or feel love, isn't comfortable saying it or what???

Can anyone shed any light?



grayson
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10 Jan 2006, 9:05 am

It probably just feels awkward to him to say it. A lot of normal feeling-related things that people say to each other feel awkward for Aspies, but it definitely doesn't mean we don't feel those things, or that our feelings are "pale" or "shallow".

Keep this in mind: if he didn't love you, he sure wouldn't say "I love you too" back! :-)


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Serissa
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10 Jan 2006, 9:54 am

I have issues with this but I don't think, for me, it's an Aspie thing. I'm afriad of the power behind the words. I have a history of hurting people I love and being hurt BY them, and it's scary for me to get close to someone or even say I've gotten close to them because I'm afriad of hurting them or myslelf. Even when I feel it, it's hard to make myself choke the words out. It's not that I don't FEEL- in fact, I feel things pretty damn strongly. I'm just running scared about stuff like that.



neongrl
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10 Jan 2006, 10:06 am

tracylynn wrote:
I hope it's not bothersome to people here to have an NT asking these questions, but where else am I gonna find the answers? :lol:

I tell my BF I love him fairly frequently, because I do and I want him to know it. He's never said it to me on his own, but sometimes he will answer me back wtih "I love you too." If I ask him if he loves me, most likely he'll say "sure, why wouldn't I".

I don't know if he's trying to avoid lying to me, doesn't understand or feel love, isn't comfortable saying it or what???

Can anyone shed any light?


Not bothersome at all. I understand how difficult it must be at times for you NTs to be in a relationship with one of us... I'm glad you're seeking to understand the things that don't make sense - not enough NTs do that. :D

For some reason things like I love you can be very difficult for aspies to say out loud. (Anything that really connects you with the other person on a more emotional level.) That territory can be really uncomfortable even though we don't want it to be - we want to be able to express what we're feeling and connect with people in a normal way but something in our wiring just won't let us do it. Another can of worms (for me at least) is when my husband asks "why" I love him. I know the answer but I can't express it out loud. Sometimes he has a hard time believing that I really love him when I rarely inititate saying it and I can't tell him why I love him. Poor guy... A lot of aspies can express themselves more openly in writing - we can say a lot of things that we'd never be able to say when we're talking. That's definitely the case for me. Maybe you could explore that option with your BF?



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10 Jan 2006, 10:22 am

My step mom had asked me about that. She wanted to know if i really felt emotion. yeah ouch! Of course someone with AS has emotions. I no with my emotions i have to think about it before i can do much about it. I have to figure out what im feeling, and then i have to figure out how to most effectively express how i feel. When I dont think about it, then i really am just saying a word with no meaning behind it. For me its taken a bit of work to figure to love others ^^. But its do able!



tracylynn
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10 Jan 2006, 10:26 am

Ironically enough, he's a writer of poetry, but his writing tends not to include any emotion either. *

I onced asked why he loved me, and he couldn't answer me. I 'sense' that he cares for me, but without anything verbal or tangible to show for it, I often wind up thinking he's just using me ... because I'll drive to him and take him where he wants to go, do the sex things he likes, and pay for stuff.

I go back and forth between feeling the optimism of love, and feeling completely rejected. But that's my problem -- I'm an NT mood swinger.



*now that I think about it, I retract that statement. His poetry is very powerful and personal, and has a strong undercurrent of emotion.



Last edited by tracylynn on 10 Jan 2006, 9:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

neongrl
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10 Jan 2006, 10:37 am

tracylynn wrote:
I onced asked why he loved me, and he couldn't answer me. I 'sense' that he cares for me, but without anything verbal or tangible to show for it, I often wind up thinking he's just using me ... because I'll drive to him and take him where he wants to go, do the sex things he likes, and pay for stuff.

I go back and forth between feeling the optimism of love, and feeling completely rejected. But that's my problem -- I'm an NT mood swinger.


I feel for you and your BF (lol, yep we do feel emotion) - it sounds like you have a lot of the same issues that my NT husband and I struggle with. (We've been married for 9 years.) The issues are real and they're equally frustrating for both partners. My only advice is to keep trying to communicate about it, keep trying to understand each other. Don't just sweep problems under the carpet - even though you might be able to forget about em for awhile while they're under there, they're actually causing more problems and a greater distance between you than they would be if they were out in the open.



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10 Jan 2006, 11:06 am

He's probably just trying to be completely accurate about his feelings before he describes them.

I find it difficult to work out what I am feeling clearly and accurately enough to be able to describe it to another.

Feelings like "sad" or "happy" can be clear as long as they exist in isolation but often they don't and it is extremely hard to explain complex feelings.

Love is especially hard because there is no single feeling or emotion which you could descibe as "Love". I think that in reality "Love" is a mixture of positive feelings you might feel about someone but that mixture is different for different people and situations (hence the different kinds of love).

It would be very difficult for me to say to someone "I love you" without being sure the person understood what that meant to me at that particular moment.

In reality that's not going to happen because I can't describe the complexity of my feelings and therefore even though I might feel I love someone I won't say it except in response to a question (and then it is because I know the answer I am expected to say and not a true description of my feelings).



tracylynn
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10 Jan 2006, 11:16 am

Thank you, beautiful WP people. This is a wonderful place. :D



Asparval
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10 Jan 2006, 11:16 am

Another thing ~

You need to look out for the ways he is showing you he loves you.

It will probably be easier for him to show you in a practical way rather than tell you.

Trouble is you might not recognise it as love.

I thought my ex-wife knew how I felt because of the practical things I did for her even though I didn't tell her.

I have a bit of difficulty with this anyway (I think it's a "theory of mind" thing) ~ If I know something I sometimes find it hard to understand that others don't know it until I tell them.



tracylynn
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10 Jan 2006, 11:19 am

I understand ... the Theory of Mind does make sense out of alot of the communication confusion. He can be very rigid in his opinions -- he doesn't see them as opinions, he sees them as RIGHT. When he does ANYTHING for me I find it very endearing, because I know it required thought and effort on his part.



chamoisee
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10 Jan 2006, 1:58 pm

I don't like to say "I love you" unless it is spontaneous and I am feeling it with all my heart at that time. Saying it casually would cheapen it, and then it'd be meaningless and trite.



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10 Jan 2006, 2:39 pm

Asparval wrote:
He's probably just trying to be completely accurate about his feelings before he describes them.

Love is especially hard... I won't say it except in response to a question (and then it is because I know the answer I am expected to say and not a true description of my feelings).


This is close to my experience. I can do other words that are supposed to be difficult:
"Commitment", "care", "concern" are all within my remit, but since I'm still trying to work out what love *is*, how can I say for sure that I've got it, am doing it?

And deciding whether it's "right" to say "I love you" because that would be the *caring* thing to do, even if the term is unclear to me, now that can set up a wonderful mind-tangle.


(Aside: I did find an answer to the classic impossible query "Does my bum look big in this?", but it takes a little nerve.)



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10 Jan 2006, 2:49 pm

I said it once to a girlfriend then felt embarrassed and hung up the phone.



larsenjw92286
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10 Jan 2006, 4:21 pm

I love that feeling! It's such a comforting feeling!


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10 Jan 2006, 9:29 pm

I never say it to people, i only really say it to the cat.

I've had boyfriends say it to me and i've never replied, because it would have been an out and out lie.

I just don't really feel comfortable saying it to people in general though, even though I do love them.