my best friend of 8 years left me FURIOUS!

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truck1214
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12 Jan 2017, 3:20 am

i am furious!

after 8 years of friendship since elementary school THE SECOND HIS FOOT STEPPED IN COLLEGE! he decided that he would not be my friend anymore

he would avoid my calls hang up on me right then and there and even had the NERVE to say please go i am hanging out with my friends while i was talking to him over the phone.

Well you stupid [email protected] i am your FRIEND!

I tried to save our friendship but gave up because my efforts were going no where. (we did not have a fight or anything its just he showed clear signs he did not want to be with me anymore)

He used to be socially akward with no friends and liked me as a friend but the second he goes to college he just throws me away like a piece of trash!

AFTER 8 years! UNBELIEVABLE! UNREAL!

MY PARENTS TAKE HIS SIDE IRONICALLY AND TELL ME TO JUST MOVE ON AND MAKE NEW FRIENDS! And my dad says I was immature.

WELL TELL MY GRIEVING GRANDMA TO JUST "GET A NEW HUSBAND" AFTER HER HUSBAND WAS KILLED IN THE U.S ARMY SERVING MY GREAT NATION!

the point is friends can't be replaced like shoes.

plus if i am a wee bit immature a true friend would accept me for who i am and not just throw me out like trash if i don't fit societal criteria.

how do i convince my parents to take my side? Or at least what do I do to cope with this?

Thank you I am sorry i had to get my anger out!



somanyspoons
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12 Jan 2017, 6:06 am

Well, put aside trying to get your parents to take your side. That's not something you can do. People are going to feel what they are going to feel, and trying to change that is just going to get you hurt.

How do you cope with this? Well, you grieve that your childhood is over. That's a lot of pain right there. It's not really anger. Also, you need to take some time to think about your friend's point of view. What he is going through. How he is trying to become an adult too, and this is hard for him, too.

It is a good idea to make some new friends. I'm on the spectrum, too, so I know this is easier said than done. I know you can't just wave a magic wand and make it happen. But taking some steps to get to know new people would be really healthy for you.

An aside: It is totally socially acceptable to tell someone that you can't talk right now because you are with face-to-face friends. It is OK to tell one friend that you can't talk because you are with other friends. And while it's not nice to do this, it's understandable that he hung up on you. You were perseverating when he already said it wasn't a good time to talk. This doesn't mean that you don't like the friend on the phone. It's just rude to talk on the phone when you are hanging out with face-to-face friends. When you calm down, you owe your long-term friend an apology. That's not going to be easy, but I think it could help you preserve your friendship.

These kinds of long term friendships do change over time. They are so important. And it's really cool that you had a friend for 8 years. I didn't have that at your age. So you are ahead of me in that. When people go off to college, they are expected to make new friends. Often, they don't talk to their old friends for months, or even years! That doesn't mean that they don't care or that they are no longer friends. It means that they need some time to try new things at college. It's all very normal. And it doesn't mean that you aren't friends anymore.

Again, see if you can, after a little time licking your wounds, find it in your heart to forgive this guy. Apologize for your part, and give him some time in college to do new things. Then, when he's ready, you can hang out again. It won't ever be like it was in high school. But it will be something new and cool. You'll still have your friend, just in a different way.



truck1214
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12 Jan 2017, 2:50 pm

are you kidding me!

HE OWES ME AN APOLOGY!

note I NEVER CALLED HIM A @#$%HEAD I WAS JUST THINKING THAT I HAVE NEVER SAID ANY MEAN THINGS TO HIM!

I NEVER ARGUED WITH HIM EVUUURRR!

But the main reason i am mad is that when I met him he had not found any friends yet because he was an immigrant to the U.S.A and I helped guide him and fit in with the American Culture. I taught him basketball, ice hockey, american cartoon references ect. i was his friend for 8 years but then the second his foot touched the college campus he abandoned me for obnoxious roomates!

I mean i'll cool down but how do i cope with this?

thx i am sorry i was typing in caps i am less mad but still don't know what to do. BTW this happened last year but i am still mad.



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12 Jan 2017, 3:30 pm

I am sorry that he's been blowing you off for his "Cool friends," but that is his problem and not yours. On the contrary, I do think that you have a right to take the stand but don't force it down his throat. Rather, you could leave a message or an email.

"Can you call me when we get the chance. Also, have I done anything to offend you?"

If he calls you back, you could say this:
"I understand that are not interested in being my friend anymore and I am sorry about that. All the same, I am angry with you. We have been friends for eight years and I feel that you are trading me in for something that you thought was better. What did I do wrong and why don't you want me in your life anymore?" If he gives you excuses then let him go and yes you may be angry with him for a while but the way he's treating you is on him.

Also, I know what you are going through as I have my share of friends dump me after a long term.

1. I had a childhood friend for 7 years before she started treating me poorly after she met her first boyfriend.

2. I was friends with a lady, who was 11 years older than I was for 8 years. As soon as she met her husband, she gradually started losing interest in me by dropping little hints and I would get mad. She dumped me suddenly after appearing to invite me over for Christmas where everything was fine. After that, she and her husband came to a housewarming party and dumped me in front of my other guests in so many actions. This was three years ago now but it still hurts because I love her very much but she dislikes me back. However, that's a self-centered social climber for you.



the_phoenix
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12 Jan 2017, 8:27 pm

When big events or changes happen in people's lives, sometimes they leave their old friends behind.
Yes, it stinks.
Especially when a former friend is cold or harsh.

I once heard a saying, "The best revenge is living well."

So no, don't call him up demanding an apology,
or asking questions like how you may have offended him
or can you still be friends ...
that would come across as weakness
and drive him further away
and burn bridges ...
not a good idea.

Instead, move on.
Pursue your interests, meet new people.

Down the road ...
years later, maybe ...
your old friend just may come back.
You never know.

So conduct yourself with honor.
And live your life with your head held high.

I hope you will soon meet better friends who will truly appreciate you.

...



Summer_Twilight
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12 Jan 2017, 9:12 pm

I disagree because I feel that Truck's friend is disrespecting him as a person so it's only fair to put his foot down to the way his friend if acting. Sure, his friend doesn't have to answer Truck but I do feel that Truck deserves to know the truth. After all, they were friends for 8 years.

I was always also taught to that when a person is losing interest to ask if I did anything to offend the person(s) or if I did something that hurt their feelings.

This clip is a scene from "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants," which is also based on the novel. In the movie and the book alike, Carmen confronts her father just like this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GH0oQTL0HKA

Truck, you have every right admit that you're angry with your friend because it's better to be honest with him then for him to find out that you ripped on him behind his back by telling everyone else.



the_phoenix
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12 Jan 2017, 9:47 pm

Yes, it does sound like Truck's friend is disrespecting him.
He (the "friend") has also made it abundantly clear that Truck is not welcome to contact him ... (evidenced by avoiding calls, hanging up while on the phone, and the verbal request to please go).
And Truck has already tried to save the friendship.

To continue calling at this point is to invite trouble and be seen as making a pest of oneself.

In "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants," Carmen confronts her father ... okay. They're family.
Blood is thicker than water. (Or at least it should be.)
A friendship is a voluntary thing ... friends come, friends go ... you can't force someone to keep being your friend.
So one family member confronting another is far more understandable.
(Though that doesn't mean it's always wise, but that's a topic for another thread ...)

Yes, Truck has the perfect right to be angry.
I say, use that anger as motivation to build a better life
instead of dwelling on the past, or trying to force someone to be a friend against their will.



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12 Jan 2017, 9:53 pm

By the way.
I just now received an e-mail from someone
that I thought I would never hear from again.
And it was a friendly e-mail.
It came as quite a surprise
and it sure is a weird coincidence
based on the conversation in this thread.
I will likely answer the e-mail over the weekend.
I'll probably just make pleasant small talk like
"Good to hear from you, thanks for asking about me, how are you,
wish you the best in the New Year."



Summer_Twilight
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13 Jan 2017, 7:18 am

No, you are right, Truck can't force himself on his friend. However, he can leave him one message and ask if he did anything wrong and just let the ball be in his friend's court.

In truth, I tried to save my last friendship with that 46-year-old woman who dumped me three years ago but it didn't work. In our case, she did everything that preached against such as making excuses and dumping me in the same fashion that she was abandoned by another woman. Turning cold, ignoring my texts, stopped calling me, making excuses or lying, comparing me to her other friends. I mean after she met her husband, she started acting like she was more important.



Last edited by Summer_Twilight on 13 Jan 2017, 9:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

jatos
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13 Jan 2017, 8:09 am

Your former friend sounds like someone you may be better off without. I don't quite know every in and out Truck, you are the best person to understand that. Particularly, did he raise any issues with your friendship before he went to college? If it is clear he just wanted to be with cooler kids, just say sod him.

It is easy to get bogged down by someone who really isn't worth it, but the most important thing is to work on yourself, and become a better person. You will find better friends in time. Unfortunately a reality of life is, sometimes friendships can't really last for many different reasons. Same applies to relationships as well unfortunately (forewarning!). However, sometimes such events can very much be an opportunity.

It is a hard time, it will get you down, but it is most important to rise above it. When you have found new friends, he can't expect you to be there, whatever happens, he has made his bed and can damn well sleep in it whatever it brings him! Moving forward will take time, will be hard, but key thing is to develop your understanding, get yourself out there and exposed to new people.

There are two very valuable tips I will give you though - pays to be reserved with people, like I say, take your time, try to be an observer with new people, take your time and don't be too open I have to say (this particularly applies if you're ever interested in dating someone), and just seek to get an understanding of different people.



crystaltermination
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19 Jan 2017, 8:04 am

Happened to me when I started high school. My own friend who was attending the same place suddenly saw herself as too good for me, quickly inducted herself into a new social circle, and never spoke to me again. We'd been good friends as children, played together, bought gifts for each other, stayed at our houses, etc... There was never any argument.
I believe a lot of kids have an 'idea' that the fresh start they all get after changing schools equates into the friend area as well. Making new friends even at the cost of old ones is a way to prove to themselves they can adapt. Not much one can do, but if you've dropped trying to connect with him, the next step is to move on. Let others think what they want regarding him, he lost the right to define you.


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19 Jan 2017, 8:55 am

When I was that age, I had a friend that we had done things together for several years and even kept doing them after high school and into our early 20's. When she finally got married, that was when she wanted to act like she was superior - she didn't even ask me to be a bridesmaid. It was at that point after she had not wanted to do things with me anymore that I cut her off and ended the friendship. We never saw each other again and that was that. Sometimes you just have to move on when people don't want to appreciate your friendship anymore.


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wrongcitizen
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20 Jan 2017, 3:56 am

In neurotypical relations t is common to suddenly cut off. Of course I knew one person who was diagnosed with an ASD and he was like that but I believe he had a severe self dependence issue. Otherwise people with ASD are very loyal and very logical, and so we view friends as friends who stick with us. A lot of these "normal people" don't have that concept because they see friends as more of a way to get ahead in life, someone to use or to exploit, so once they're done they toss us aside. It's pretty bad but they're the majority so there's not much we can do.



nurseangela
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20 Jan 2017, 4:21 am

wrongcitizen wrote:
In neurotypical relations t is common to suddenly cut off. Of course I knew one person who was diagnosed with an ASD and he was like that but I believe he had a severe self dependence issue. Otherwise people with ASD are very loyal and very logical, and so we view friends as friends who stick with us. A lot of these "normal people" don't have that concept because they see friends as more of a way to get ahead in life, someone to use or to exploit, so once they're done they toss us aside. It's pretty bad but they're the majority so there's not much we can do.


I disagree. You cant get anyone more loyal than me, but I refuse to be taken for granted, used or abused and at least one of those things has happened in the friendships that I have chosen to cut off. Maybe Aspies dont know when its a good time to let a person go because they dont want to be friendless. It was a very hard decision for me to cut it off, but I had to for my own sanity. Its very hard for me to make new friends because people dont take friendship seriously these days.


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Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
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26 Jan 2017, 10:28 am

nurseangela wrote:
When I was that age, I had a friend that we had done things together for several years and even kept doing them after high school and into our early 20's. When she finally got married, that was when she wanted to act like she was superior - she didn't even ask me to be a bridesmaid. It was at that point after she had not wanted to do things with me anymore that I cut her off and ended the friendship. We never saw each other again and that was that. Sometimes you just have to move on when people don't want to appreciate your friendship anymore.


nurseangela:

How dare she not consider you as a bride's maid? On the other hand, it sounds like she did you a favor because being a bride's maid is very stressful both financially and timewise. Now, I was in my ex-friend's wedding and though it sounded nice, I hated the prep. Anway, things worked out for the best that we aren't friends anymore for various reasons. For one thing, she was very toxic, to begin with.

Now, usually, when someone acts superior to you like that, it means that they have a great deal of insecurity and other problems of their own. You never know why she pushed you away when she got married. Her husband may have had a problem, or he was jealous of your friendship or she wasn't your friend, to begin with. Either way, that's her problem and perhaps she will live to regret it later. All the while, just enjoy your life and all the positive people in it now.

Also, it's not just NTs who use us and abandon us because I know from experience.

1. My Childhood friend had some "Learning Disability" who dumped me after she met her first boyfriend.
2.The one who just got married under 7 years ago also have NLD, which is on the mild end of the spectrum.
3. I knew a guy with Asperger's who seemed to get along well with NTs, treat others on the spectrum like crap. He dumped my group of friends because they were "Boring." He also tried to talk down to me but I would not let him.