Page 1 of 1 [ 11 posts ] 

Tweedy81
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 21 Oct 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 2

21 Oct 2017, 6:12 am

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on dealing with bullies and just everyday nasty people. My usual strategy is to walk away but in this instance I'm not able to. Long story short she's my mother in law. She's not only a *really* overprotective mother, to the point she's instinctively set me up as the enemy because I'm dating her precious son, she's out to get rid of me. I'd have to describe her as the kind of person who must have been some kind of clique king-pin in school. She's manipulative and nasty and keeps setting me up to look like I'm crazy in front of my partner. She's a master of saying things that mean one thing to one person and something different to someone else. She seems to have a special hatred of women, she controls men and drives women away. None of the other women in her family are on speaking terms with her. She knows I have Aspergers and has done her research in the best ways to upset me. Her favourite trick is to come into my house and rearrange things. She does it in the guise of an indulgent mother just looking out for her boy. She buys furniture and decorations purely to give to my partner to put in our house -he knows I hate it but he's been controlled by her since birth, and he's not an aspie and sometimes struggles to know why things upset me. When we first moved in together she came round while I was at work and decorated the entire house in her stuff while my stuff was still in boxes. It instantly threw me into a depression which I've not been able to climb out of since. I can't seem to do anything about it, my partner loves his mother and both of us detest conflict. Every piece of advice I've found just tells me to stand up for myself and argue it out with her, but I see that as setting myself up for failure. She's a master in verbal conflict and manipulation, she's probably been trying to goad me into it for years. I am hopeless at it, I feel like I'd be going into a nuclear war armed with a pea-shooter, and once I've actually stood up she'll be justified in totally, publicly destroying me instead of picking at me sneakily so her son won't notice. As it stands she's set me up to be the crazy oversensitive one who sees insult where there is none -she even arranged 'girls only' shopping trips so the men would think she was making an effort and then spent the entire time we were alone insulting me and accusing me of 'ruining' her son - so if I make a stand I'll be the one 'starting' it. I just don't know what to do. The best I can do at the moment is try to pretend she's not getting to me, but she is, and it just makes her worse.



Luna035
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 29 Jan 2017
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 106
Location: Online

22 Oct 2017, 6:31 am

Your mother in law sounds like an evil b***h. I would try to ignore her, direct your conversation to your husband as much as possible instead. Shrug often and give curt answers. Walk away from her often. :heart:



hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,877
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

23 Oct 2017, 4:33 pm

Sounds like a narcissist.

Change the locks and dont give her a key.

Keep your distance. She has no right to meddle in your life.

Maybe an NPD forum could help you find ways to cope with her like the outofthefog forum.

She is gas lighting you.
What is gaslighting


_________________
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose


ms.utopia
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 20 Oct 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 27

24 Oct 2017, 7:41 am

Hmm... is there any chance for you to move far from her? To different city perhaps?

Your boyfriend doesn't realize until now about how his mother's attitude to you, does he? If you want, you can record secretly whenever you and her just alone. Although it will make conflict, I think it is important that your boyfriend know what happen between you and his mother.

Other advice, if you truly don't want any conflict, try to see his mother in different view. Imagine her with some diseases or anything so you feel pity of her. Probably if you can see her in different perspective, you can tolerate her, even understand her better. If you can keep doing good things to her even when she is doing bad things toward you, probably one day she will realize her mistakes.



Gaius Marius
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 5 Nov 2017
Age: 1860
Gender: Male
Posts: 11
Location: Arpinum

13 Nov 2017, 4:20 am

Well she may see you as dysfunctional and so a cancer for her son. She's desperate to break you and save her son so the battle continues relentlessly because in the end she feels fully justified as she believes she has her son's best interests at heart. I don't know to what extent you function with regards your ASD but I've always had a bias against dysfunction in everything including people. I've never been part of the autism pride movement. On the contrary I've often tried to make aspies face the hard tryths and I've been called a bully for it. But I see myself as a realist. Are you certain that you're the best your partner could do? Are you being selfish? Perhaps your step mom is right? Perhaps that just hurts but is it true? Have you "ruined" him somehow? You know that song live and let die? Is your relationship truly a win-win? If it was you'd fight for it.



Summer_Twilight
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Sep 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,520

13 Nov 2017, 9:50 am

Most parents, who are overly protective, usually get jealous when a third person is involved. It sounds like that might be the case along with her seeming to be a person carrying around a lot of toxicity. Best way to handle that would be to learn how to be more assertive with her and set boundaries.
For example, if she keeps criticizing you, just ask her, "I don't understand, what is it about my marriage to your husband that you don't like?" Or "What is it about me that bothers you enough to keep criticizing me?"
If she starts putting you down about your features and other things, "I think XZY is fine." Then change the subject and talk about something like the weather. I have heard that it will diffuse the situation and show her that you aren't giving her power.



BTDT
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,700

Tweedy81
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 21 Oct 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 2

14 Nov 2017, 2:36 pm

Thanks everyone for the replies. I've got a few ideas now to try. For one of them, if I'm not the best partner for her son surely it's up to him to decide, not his mother. My mother has certainly had her opinions about my boyfriends but she knows not to punish them for it, it's ultimately my decision. My ASD is not particularly debilitating, it makes me a little odd by her standards but I think the bigger problem is her insecurity and anxiety. One minute she's fine, the next she goes into a spin and hits out with some truly brutal blows. One thing my ASD does is make me instantly assume I'm the one at fault. I've spent years trying to understand her and trying to say what she wants to hear but I've finally come to the realisation that it's not my fault and there's nothing I can do to make it better. We've been together for 5 years and I continue to kick myself for not picking up on the red flags in the beginning. First time I met her she practically pushed past me into my own house - not his, he'd stayed over a few times but it was my house - and started rummaging in my fridge and kitchen cupboards to see if I had enough food to feed her precious boy. As if I'd tried to muscle in on her parenting responsibilities. Who goes into a stranger's house and looks in their fridge??



Summer_Twilight
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Sep 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,520

15 Nov 2017, 9:03 am

Yeah, it sounds like setting boundaries for your her is the way to go.

For instance- If she comes into your home and starts pushing her weight around, remind her.

"I understand that you have different values than how I was raised and I understand that you may not like me. However, your son and I have formed a different bond and sometimes I feel like you try to bud into our relationship and I don't appreciate it."

"I know that you don't understand what autism is since you haven't had to live with it. Please know that I am different but not less."

"You are always welcome here but you have to remember that this is my home and not yours.



the_phoenix
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jan 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,401
Location: up from the ashes

15 Nov 2017, 11:23 am

hurtloam wrote:
Sounds like a narcissist.

Change the locks and dont give her a key.

Keep your distance. She has no right to meddle in your life.

Maybe an NPD forum could help you find ways to cope with her like the outofthefog forum.

She is gas lighting you.
What is gaslighting



There are some good YouTube channels on this.
I particularly like and highly recommend Sacha Slone.
She deals with these nasty folks with a sense of humor
and her head held high.
She's said on at least one of her videos that she thinks she's autistic, too.
So yeah, she's quirky
... best to let you know up front! :D



hale_bopp
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Nov 2004
Gender: Female
Posts: 16,699
Location: New Zealand

18 Nov 2017, 5:11 am

If your boyfriend can’t or won’t stand up to her, you’ll probably have to end it. You don’t need that crap.