Meeting Others Halfway
29 Aug 2011, 11:26 pm
How many of us are or have been the person sitting quietly and awkwardly in a classroom, gathering, party, or what have you? And how many of us feel desperately lonely, despairing over lack of connection and true friendship?
I'd say a damn big majority. And that may be an understatement.
Is it a matter of being unable to express ourselves? Do we truly have nothing to say, during those times when we can't think of anything to say? Or is it, rather, a matter of not having anything acceptable to say? Having been through the madness of modern childhood, many of us growing up uncertain as to what the hell was "wrong" with us, has instilled certain ideas about what will or will not be accepted in the world. It instilled in me the great illusion that if I'm myself, I will not be accepted. If I express my emotions, others will exploit the weakness.
And so I built the Wall. And so too, I'd wager, have most of us.
It's this phenomenon that disallows us to connect to others. How many of us had friends who, after repeated instances of painfully awkward hang-outs where we don't contribute to the conversation, began to treat us shamefully and mean, or abandoned us altogether? And so another layer of bricks is cemented in place. It's a vicious cycle. What did I do wrong? What will it take for them to accept me? And more and more of our true selves become suppressed.
Well, consider this: why do YOU hang out with certain people, or why do you WANT to? Surely it's not because you want to sit with them in silence, each in your own heads. It must be something about the things they say, or do. Something about the inner world which they share with you, am I right? And a desire to share your own inner world, with them. How can we honestly say, then, that we have nothing to say...?
Any thoughts?
01 Sep 2011, 5:42 pm
I'd say a damn big majority. And that may be an understatement.
Is it a matter of being unable to express ourselves? Do we truly have nothing to say, during those times when we can't think of anything to say? Or is it, rather, a matter of not having anything acceptable to say? Having been through the madness of modern childhood, many of us growing up uncertain as to what the hell was "wrong" with us, has instilled certain ideas about what will or will not be accepted in the world. It instilled in me the great illusion that if I'm myself, I will not be accepted. If I express my emotions, others will exploit the weakness.
And so I built the Wall. And so too, I'd wager, have most of us.
It's this phenomenon that disallows us to connect to others. How many of us had friends who, after repeated instances of painfully awkward hang-outs where we don't contribute to the conversation, began to treat us shamefully and mean, or abandoned us altogether? And so another layer of bricks is cemented in place. It's a vicious cycle. What did I do wrong? What will it take for them to accept me? And more and more of our true selves become suppressed.
Well, consider this: why do YOU hang out with certain people, or why do you WANT to? Surely it's not because you want to sit with them in silence, each in your own heads. It must be something about the things they say, or do. Something about the inner world which they share with you, am I right? And a desire to share your own inner world, with them. How can we honestly say, then, that we have nothing to say...?
Any thoughts?
I think you need to realise a lot of people on this forum, at least more than half could be NTs who use ASD as a social crutch to understand some of the social difficulties they have had in their life.
But I can relate to just about everything you had said about the social situations.
To answer your question, I do prefer certain people with moral integrity and accepting minds. But I no longer try so hard to be accepted by general human populace. because it just seems to bring more drama in my life when I am unmotivated to live up to their expectations. and they don’t expect to live up to my expectations either.
Its not that we or me don’t have anything to say. it’s just that I can’t seem to participate in the meaningless small talks which usually revolve around gossiping about someone or hurting someone or just talking about mundane boring things I can’t possibly relate or get interested in. It's matter of deciding whether or not you want to lower your moral values and your personal integrity in order to be accepted by them or focusing on more important tasks in life such as betterment of mankind or focusing on finding individuals who share same moral integrity as you. If you are not able to locate individuals who could share connection with you in this lifetime, you may be able to connect with someone in another life time.
01 Sep 2011, 8:16 pm
I tend to have a feeling most people express themselves more readily because they unconsciously have a much better intuitive filter.
For me, I need to consciously keep the filter engaged at all times and this can be tiring and also make it more difficult to speak.
However, maybe I am just overly self-conscious. Most people socialize because it engages positive emotions in them. For me, it is like trying to improve a skill or my self-esteem.
02 Sep 2011, 5:29 am
I'd say a damn big majority. And that may be an understatement.
Is it a matter of being unable to express ourselves? Do we truly have nothing to say, during those times when we can't think of anything to say? Or is it, rather, a matter of not having anything acceptable to say? Having been through the madness of modern childhood, many of us growing up uncertain as to what the hell was "wrong" with us, has instilled certain ideas about what will or will not be accepted in the world. It instilled in me the great illusion that if I'm myself, I will not be accepted. If I express my emotions, others will exploit the weakness.
And so I built the Wall. And so too, I'd wager, have most of us.
It's this phenomenon that disallows us to connect to others. How many of us had friends who, after repeated instances of painfully awkward hang-outs where we don't contribute to the conversation, began to treat us shamefully and mean, or abandoned us altogether? And so another layer of bricks is cemented in place. It's a vicious cycle. What did I do wrong? What will it take for them to accept me? And more and more of our true selves become suppressed.
Well, consider this: why do YOU hang out with certain people, or why do you WANT to? Surely it's not because you want to sit with them in silence, each in your own heads. It must be something about the things they say, or do. Something about the inner world which they share with you, am I right? And a desire to share your own inner world, with them. How can we honestly say, then, that we have nothing to say...?
Any thoughts?
I think you need to realise a lot of people on this forum, at least more than half could be NTs who use ASD as a social crutch to understand some of the social difficulties they have had in their life.
But I can relate to just about everything you had said about the social situations.
To answer your question, I do prefer certain people with moral integrity and accepting minds. But I no longer try so hard to be accepted by general human populace. because it just seems to bring more drama in my life when I am unmotivated to live up to their expectations. and they don’t expect to live up to my expectations either.
Its not that we or me don’t have anything to say. it’s just that I can’t seem to participate in the meaningless small talks which usually revolve around gossiping about someone or hurting someone or just talking about mundane boring things I can’t possibly relate or get interested in. It's matter of deciding whether or not you want to lower your moral values and your personal integrity in order to be accepted by them or focusing on more important tasks in life such as betterment of mankind or focusing on finding individuals who share same moral integrity as you. If you are not able to locate individuals who could share connection with you in this lifetime, you may be able to connect with someone in another life time.
Well exactly. I can't do small talk. No need to lower yourself, tho; what I meant more or less, is - to hell with small talk, just let your true thoughts flow and, while I'm sure this will make at least me a lot of enemies, it's made me some damn good friends too. It's how to separate the typical from the crazy awesome.
AngelKnight
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Joined: 3 May 2011
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 749
Location: This is not my home; I'm just passing through
02 Sep 2011, 4:27 pm
I suppose I used to feel this way
For me, people would rather not have access past my surface thoughts. And I'd rather not have access past their surface thoughts.
Those friends were trial-friends. They didn't stick around me. I didn't stick around them. I didn't have anything to learn from the relationship and neither did they.
Any thoughts?
There's a lot to be said for a companionable silence between those who understand each other well.
02 Sep 2011, 4:37 pm
Companionable silence, that too is part of sharing your world with someone. Unspoken comradery, based on mutual acceptance. This is what I'm driving at. Small talk is a tactic to weed out the different, but by expressing your deeper self, and demanding that it be accepted, this divisive game can be broken.
Basically, f**k faking normalcy, and f**k putting up walls to your inner self.
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