problematic meetup member. Now his mum is calling me!

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Chico
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01 Feb 2017, 4:31 pm

[cross-post from members only. hope that's ok?]

I'm 28, female, run a social/board game group specifically aimed at shy/introverted people. The member in question, 'John' is 24, male and on the mild end of the spectrum. He's generally well-liked but can be a bit domineering during some games. It's also been pointed out by other members that he seems to have a bit of a crush on me (RSVPs to everything, sits waay too close to me and tries to correspond privately (we have a whatsapp group so members have access to mobile numbers). I'm also on the spectrum so really emphasize with the dating/social woes that come with it. But that's kind of led me to be a little bit blind towards his increasingly domineering behaviour (he sends really apologetic emails sometimes, blaming his autism, but I'm now feeling they are a bit of a ploy.

Some of the members don't want to play games with him anymore. I understand. I volunteered to message him but maybe that was a mistake. I was as gentle as possible but he kept asking for specific examples to address so I eventually gave him one occasion where he'd made lewd comments during an event about two female members and how he was planning to get them together. I think he may have naively been trying to be helpful. When I gave a blank look, he helpfully made hand signals and a knowing wink to show what he meant. Yes, I get it. They're both lesbians. Christ.

I've also got wind that he's got into altercations with players at another group I'm in (he joined and immediately started RSVPing to anything I was going to. I no longer attend).

Essentially I've literally told him he's welcome in the group but some of his behavior isn't; for example hitting on the women (he denies but he basically corners them and has asked more than one of them out that I am aware of). I got a two miscalls and a despairing message back that he now feels unwelcome, that this group is his only social outlet and he now feels in danger of being kicked out... I assured him that he was in no more danger of being kicked out than anyone else. That's the last I've heard from him.

However, I've been petitioned by another member to 'give him a hello and tell him he's welcome' because he heard via another member (female ;) ) that John very upset because he feels unwelcome. I assured him that John is welcome, just certain behaviours aren't ya di ya (didn't mention specifics) and that John is welcome to message me if he needs any clarification.

So this afternoon I got a voicemail from his mother. Apparently she's read through the message exchange between John and myself and isn't happy. She doesn't feel I gave him a fair chance or explanation. When I tried to give specifics (the same one as in the message) I was interrogated as to what did I mean 'in front of the group' and 'how many people actually heard?'. She also wanted to know who ran the group and where did we get the funding from... (me, and myself. I don't charge). She claimed to be a social worker and laid into me that I was running a support group for vulnerable people (I'm not), she didn't think I was handling it very well and she was going to refer me to the local social services. At that point she hung up.

So... what now? I've edited my 'about us' page; it now clearly says we aren't a support group. I'm considering adding a Code of Conduct policy as well.

I've talked to a couple of friends; advice ranges from do nothing to remove this guy entirely from the group. I have to admit I don't feel comfortable having him at events if he thinks he can wield his mother or other group members to get what he wants.

One friend has suggested extending an olive branch; offering to meet John and his mother if she wants before a meet. In theory, I love this idea. It would be great to come to a solution that everyone's happy with (I already suggested in a message that I could give John a hand signal if he needs to tone it down a little). But I don't know how wise that is given John has already ignored feedback to date and his mother seems to be looking to pick a fight. I have a lot of sympathy for both their positions, but I have other members to think about and I don't particularly want to feel creeped on or trapped either.

Thoughts? Advice?

(also hello - first post with this account. I used to post under a different name many years ago)



the_phoenix
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01 Feb 2017, 4:47 pm

Yes, do set up a Code of Conduct policy.

This reminds me of a fan club I've been active in.
There was a guy there with a physical disability that
used the disability to his advantage to hit on every single lady
that dared enter and try to join the club.
He would try to get people to pity him.
Many of these ladies quit because of his rude, obnoxious behavior.
He would try begging, pleading, and manipulating people for their phone numbers ...
I was warned not to give him mine, fortunately, so I didn't.
He would also sit close to people, invade their personal/physical space, and make rude remarks.

In the club membership handbook, a rule was written because of him
stating that any member who contacted someone else without permission
would get demoted.

Anyways, it finally got so bad
that this guy was thrown out of the club
and is not welcome to ever come back.

Harassment needs to be dealt with firmly,
even when the guy doing the harassing is disabled.



Chico
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01 Feb 2017, 5:39 pm

Thanks the_Phoenix. That's very helpful to know,

Quote:
Harassment needs to be dealt with firmly,
even when the guy doing the harassing is disabled


Agreed! It's difficult when it's subtle (the NTs pointed it out to me; I just thought I was being over-sensitive for feeling uncomfortable around him).

I've put up a hefty code of conduct policy and new members have to at least pretend they've read it.

Thanks!



B19
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01 Feb 2017, 8:08 pm

Moderator note: cross posting (that is, opening identical threads in different or the same forums) is against the rules. Please don't do this again. Your other thread can remain open, this one is locked.