Apparently I *STILL* don't get it!

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Over the years, I've trained myself to be pretty darned socially functional (mostly by mimicry, but whatever....it works), even to the point where a good deal of people are surprised to learn I have AS at all. However, it seems that I still occasionally (or a bit more than occasionally) REALLY rub people the wrong way. This, I'm used to....as a kid, people used to make it known to me regularly how annoying I was and how uncomfortable they were around me....and while I was certainly hurt by this, at the very least, I knew who liked me and who didn't. Adults, though, especially when dealing with other adults, are damned dishonest about their feelings. I have enough difficulty reading people as it is, but it really REALLY bothers me when people initially pretend they like me, even pretend to want to be friends with me, then later on start treating me like a leper. I literally can not tell a lot of the time whether or not I should try and pursue friendship with people, because they won't let me know where I stand. As I said, I really did NOT like being told I was annoying when I was younger, but I'm beginning to think it was a whole lot better that way than how it is now, being left to develop false hopes regarding friendships with people and then realising too late that they were just 'tolerating' me in a couple of situations.

For instance, what the HELL is up with people hugging and kissing me (I HATE THIS ANYWAY!! !), exchanging numbers with me, telling me how damn much fun I am....and then ignoring my phone calls, rejecting my friend request on Facebook, and running like hell when they see me in the street? Why can't they just be honest from the get-go?

(Note- I don't actually expect anyone to help me with this....I just need to rant. It's happened several times over the past month or so, and I'm frustrated as all hell!)

Neurotypicals are forgetful people that have wildly fluctuating whims. They'll just suddenly decide that they don't want to see someone one day, or aren't sure they want to have the potential to see a person every day. They don't like commitment as much as we do, and their memories are alarmingly patchy. We aspies might be flaky, but we ultimately do remember things. Listening to neurotypicals talk about past instances I remember very clearly has always shocked me with how little they actually remember correctly.

I've had my best friends sidestep me sometimes. It used to bother me, but I've come to terms with their neurotypical brains occasionally wanting space. It's nothing against me.

Nuerotypicals do not return our calls or emails and deny friend requests. We just cannot connect with them.

It's that they want to be liked, but they don't necessarily want people to be close. They want people to come help them when they're in trouble, but they don't really want to give up their own precious time to do the same for others. So they just believe other people are perfectly fine with jumping in and bailing them out when the going gets rough, but they'd only do it themselves if it doesn't require too much effort or thought on their part. This is a generalization, of course. There are plenty of neurotypicals that are very nice people that really will go the distance to help other people. I call them my best friends.

This is a great conversation, by the way....

I totally relate to what you are saying! I can recall being told that I was annoying and all of that when I was a kid, too. I have also found it difficult to really know if someone is being "polite" or if they genuinely like me. I have actually started to just not worry about it because I honestly think I have more fun alone anyhow! It is exhausting to try and figure out what people want, so I tend to just wait for someone to call me. I almost never try to arrange to get together with people because it is just too stressful.

Selective memory is completely weird to me! My husband does this all the time. He almost never remembers anything the way it actually happened. I am not talking about memories where there is that element of "well that is just how you percieved it to be" sort of tone. I am talking about "the lady at the store said..... blah, blah, blah".... the instructions read "blah, blah, blah..."..... He also seems to recall doing things that he never did, too. It is terribly confusing and at time I wonder if I made a serious mistake to ever even get married in the first place! I have an exceptionally good memory for details. I may be forgetful of "tasks to do" because I lose track of time, but I am very good at remembering details. For some reason, however..... I am "always" mistaken when it comes to remembering things that others may find unpleasant. Drives me friggin' crazy! Sometimes.... I will actually go to the internet, pull up whatever the issue in question is and "prove" that I am right because I just can't handle being told that I am wrong when I know damn well that I am right! I never state "facts" if I don't know what I am talking about and I never make "social claims" that are not based on factual details. I avoid making "emotional" claims because there cannot be validated. Whether or not you take out the garbage, cut the grass, help around the house.... those are not emotional issues! They are a matter of seeing and remembering! I have threatened to start tracking the s**t on the calendar to prove that I am correct! Same goes for finances..... my husband keeps terrible records, insists that he keeps good records (although he cannot seem to produce any of them) and then claims that I spent all of the money! I don't even have a credit card or a bank account! He gives me all cash so I can't spend more than he gives me. It is like he is "logically challenged" or something....

Okay... I feel better now.

Sorry for the rant!

I'm just happy that it's not just me. Neurotypicals are crazy! They have all these rules for social contact but none of them make a lick of sense. It's supposedly us that doesn't get it, but it's because we don't understand inherent hypocrisy. How can they claim rules for social engagement and then spin them around whenever it suits them?

I propose a Cure Neurotypicals Now campaign for 2010

I think a lot of time aspies, get the feeling that people hate them and a lot of time this is true, but a lot of time we are so jaded from past rejections that we assume that everyone is out to get us when in reality they are not. One thing though, is you never know who your friends are, with most people. I've seen people go from talking s**t one moment about someone to smiling and giving them a hug when they walk up. I assume they are doing the same for me.

This is very true Dustin. I think that I am very jaded from years of being treated poorly. I have a huge problem with misunderstanding people and thinking that they are being critical or judgmental or just plain think that I am weird. I go on the defensive right away because it is almost like a reflex.....Well... I do it with people that I know. I don't lash out at complete strangers.

I also think that the "cure NT's now" thing sounds really funny! Count me in! Hehehehehehe

You are so right zeichner! I had no idea that there were all of these layers to a conversation. I have been chatting with my therapist about his very same thing! When we were talking about the different levels of conversation, we had to define "friends" and "strangers" and all the other "levels". I was shocked!! ! I thought that I had a better grasp on the heirarchy than I actually do. I can totally relate to what you have said about after the initial "hello... how do you do" phase has passed. I want to just jump in and start talking about things that "I" see as interesting. I will even jump in and start blabbing about things that I "think" the others will want to talk about based on other peoples interests.... I think I move so fast that it freaks people out. Ya know?