Is this the way to get dates?

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I'm 27 and have only been on four group dates in my life. I've never been on any one on one dates, so I was wondering what everyone else thinks about the advice in this article I found online? Do you think it's something that I should try, or will it have bad consequences if my social skills aren't so good?

The article I found is Social Issues Research Centre Guide to Flirting. http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html It takes research from peer review journals, then puts it into a practical down to earth format without technical jargon. For example, one way to gauge interest in another to avoid rejection is to flirt with the other person and see how they react. I'm wondering you think that may work? One example the article gives is touching the member of the opposite sex on the arm when joking around with her to get her attention, and see how she responds to it. The guide said that if she seems cold, or pulls away, etc., then asking her on a date may not be the best. If she giggles, flirts back, smiles, etc, then she may be receptive. This way you can read her before asking her on a date. It also says you can try it on more than one part of the conversation just to see if her response happens again.

Towards the end of the article, it says that although guys enjoy girls asking them on dates, it makes the woman seem more sexually available and many women want to avoid that impression and if they want a date they can do this:

"If you are female, and wish to avoid giving this impression, there is a simple solution. Instead of asking for his phone number, offer your own. Say something like: "Maybe we could have a drink sometime? – here's my number". This makes it perfectly clear that you are interested, but still requires the man to take the initiative in asking for a date."


SIRC Guide to Flirting:
http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html

The 'How to Flirt' section is what I'm interested in, particular the 'non-verbal flirting' part. What does everyone else think?

Nick, I say go for it. However, if you are like me, the non-verbal stuff is the deal killer. It is going to heavily depend on interpreting her reactions, and, to be blunt, I suck at that. I don't have the slightest clue what 'acting flirty' is. Or for that matter, 'cold'. If you can pull that part of it off, then you da man!!

If you can't, well, I know how you feel...

You can learn social skills, Nick! They will never come naturally to you, but if you study them (like you are so clearly interested in doing), there is no reason you can't be successful! Learn enough to get over the inital "hump" of getting to know her. Once she's interested in you and understands that you're not some random psychotic, you'll be able to reveal your quirks bit by bit. I'm not suggesting that you hide your true self from her forever (or even for as long as you can), but that you give her a chance to see your heart and to know you.

WARNING:
When you do this, you may get hit by GUILT. You may feel that you are manipulating her and that you're a jerk because of it. Don't feel this way, please! You're simply compensating for something you were born without -- just like if you were born without a leg. If you didn't have a leg, you might wear a prosthetic. When you got to know someone well enough and trusted them, you would have no trouble letting them know that you wore a prosthetic, right? You're not a jerk for that, Nick. Not at all.

And a big kudos to you for moving forward at all, my friend. Some of us go our whole lives without reaching that stage .

But I still feel like, if I were to do that, I am taking advantage of another human being for my own benefit...

This guide is only partly accurate, because every woman is different, and they each show interest in the opposite sex differently. For instance, if the woman is really shy, nervous, or has some anxieties, then it might not look like she is interested in you, on the surface.


What I do is look to see if her actions and body language are different around me, compared to when she's around another person (like another guy that you know she is not interested in). If they are different, then you will know somethings up with you. This doesn't always mean that she is interested in you, but it will show you that she thinks of you differently than the other person. It will be your job to look for any other signs of interest, to help you make a decision on whether she likes you or not.

That is well-reasoned. I would put to you that, perhaps, your thinking about "relationships" in general might be contributing to this feeling. What I mean is you might be seeing a relationship as a more one-sided affair where you get all the benefit and your partner is doing most of the giving? Does this ring true for you? If so, please keep in mind that this other human being is just as much a soul in search of a companion as you are. If you can fulfill this need for them, then you are doing them a great service! Remember that they have their own insecurities and foibles that they are covering up as well! Your "missing leg" (if I may continue the analogy) is merely something you're covering temporarily so that the person has time to focus on you and who you really are and where your heart is. There is no way you could hide the fact that you don't have a "leg" for much further than the first few dates anyway, but by then they've had enough time to see who you are as a person and YOU have had enough time to figure out if she's a match for you!

The typical relationship ends up being more about sharing and mutual-reliance than a one-sided give and take. Of course, there certainly will be give and take, but as things mature you will start thinking of everything, even your very lives, as "ours" rather than "yours and mine". I mention the long term aspects in particular here, Toad, because I see you as someone who will have one or maybe two very long and more serious relationships in your life rather than a smattering of meaningless "flings".

I've followed your posts for some time as I've encountered them in various threads. More than anything, when I read you I think of Neo in the Matrix when the Oracle tells him "You got the gift, but it looks like you're waiting for something." You sincerely want a relationship and you are definitely good material, but something (perhaps this very feeling of "taking advantage" of someone) is holding you back.

You're not unworthy. Or unlovable. You just need the right princess to kiss the Toad.

If you ask me, studying social skills academically and intellectually is well worth the effort. The benefits can be huge.

For me, it changed my lifestyle from that of a socially impaired person to a normal one. These days, I find I can live life like an NT if I choose to. You can't place a value on a skills base like that. It has even helped me to get jobs (I worked 3 successful casual jobs last holidays, and was offered a raise in one and a supervisor position in another).

This article could be a very vital piece of information for anyone wishing to overcome their social awkwardness and jump to the other side of the river. I know I have alot of work to do. Time to quit whining and get working.

I've finally read through most of this, and it's really a great resource. Toad, don't think of it as learning how to manipulate people (it's not really manipulation, as you can't force anyone to do something they don't want) so much as it is learning the rules that NT's operate under, and how these things happen naturally.

So much great advice here, and very simple rules too, nothing too hard to understand or keep in mind. Most of the people here in this forum, whether they are having problems or not, should read this. It's an excellent guide to how to behave around the opposite sex.

We just have to eliminate the fear factor or self-consciousness. But I guess that comes with practice.

The hardest thing for me is just meeting people. I can honestly say that I don't even know a single, single woman who I would be interested in dating. Not a single one. Pursuing my hobbies and interests don't lead to meeting women either. I'm not in school and there are no women at my place of employment.

I try some odd activities (well, odd for me) like taking my dog to the beach or to the dog park and the only women I see who appear to be in the appropriate age range are either with another guy, with a baby/child, or jogging or some other activity that makes it impossible to talk to them. I'll go to a bookstore and the only females are either teens or senior citizens.

Well, at least you are honing in on the problem logically. Per the article on the site, you need to find situations that allow more communication and exposure (and maybe alcohol). Things like organizations, church, clubs -- maybe in interests outside of those you are immediately interested. Time to push those boundaries a bit, because as you realized, what you are doing right now is not working.

My work schedule makes it hard for any kind of organized activity as I work Tuesday - Saturday, 4:00pm to midnight. Not much is available during the day.