First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !
I am new to this. I am a NT in a relationship with an Aspie. I love him dearly. He has been there for me for me whenever I need him for the last 4 years and said he always will, which I do believe. But, he does no longer wants a romantic relationship with me, just friends. He said he does not know the reason, just that the romantic relationship "does not feel right". He said I have done nothing wrong. It is sad and I am confused. Any Advice?
namesalltaken
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: 15 Sep 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 56
Location: Southeast Australia
Here's a tip for NT's (and probably everyone in general), don't psychologically manipulate or "troll" ASD people "for fun" (at least if you care about them at all, or have to work with them). I find that it is hard for NT's to realise and understand the damage they are doing to mutual trust and relationship, with what they consider a "harmless" act.
Last edited by namesalltaken on 06 Jul 2017, 12:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
namesalltaken
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: 15 Sep 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 56
Location: Southeast Australia
Hello all, first post, hope I am doing this right.
I am (AS) in a committed relationship with an NT partner and we are having enormous communication problems (which we are working on).
When I feel I am not being understood I impulsively turn up the "intensity", and have a very hard time. It's like I feel if I am more dramatic they will understand. If I feel I am not being understood I feel very "isolated" and it is almost like a panic (too strong a word).
This leads to problems, understandably.
Do any of you share this? And if so, how do you handle it? Control it? Prevent it?
It is really putting the relationship in danger, even though we both love each other.
William
Just something that might be of interest, while there is a popular stereotype of AS people as emotionless, the communication gap can also be the opposite - they can strongly feel the other person's emotional state, but don't understand why. Turning up the intensity means they will also feel that "panic", but it doesn't help with reasoning.
I am undiagnosed but believe I’m probably Aspie. I think what your guy needs is acceptance, even if it is hard for you during this. (I could be wrong of course, but this is my interpretation of the situation…)
I sometimes do things like that that others may find upsetting and what I seek in the scenario almost always is simply an “OK, do what you need to do,” because I feel I need so much yet ask for so little from others. The first thing that came to mind after reading your post was that some of us have sensory issues….I need to wear comfortable clothes, have an easy hairstyle, eat certain foods, I need A LOT of sleep, and I have tremendous light sensitivity, as well as dislike of loud sudden noise and I can’t stand perfumes and colognes. There’s just a lot going on with me all the time, and adding others in, and their needs, can be quite overwhelming. I’ve never wanted people in my life to crowd me but have almost always sought solitude and time away from people. So maybe if you give it time, things will settle back to what you have as a couple, but I really think after letting him know how sad you are about it, at least try to accept it.
To all the NTs out there: HOW DO I DEAL WITH STIGMA??? The kind where they think I have no or less or less complicated thoughts/feelings because I am autistic? The kind where they also think I have bad autistic traits I don't have, or have but not to the extent they think I do, just because I'm autistic?
What do I say to them? How do I act? How do I make them see me as equal to them, and spread the word amongst others that I'm equal to them rather than inferior? Thanks so much!! !
Freaky jokes always pulled that off for me.
_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos
That's true but then what? In every social circle I get involved with, I'm known as the one who makes freaky jokes and naught else.
I think if people treat you as inferior it's their problem, there's no point worrying about it unless they're a close friend.
You asked for responses from NT people. I'm not NT but I've had relevant experiences:
Not in reaction to being treated badly, just in general. If you don't naturally think of these sorts of things and you are genuinely interested in it, watching a lot of classic stand-up comedy might help. I used to constantly make jokes, and very few would get a laugh. Over time you learn what works and cut out the rest. I wouldn't necessarily recommend making this part of your personality unless you really do enjoy humour though.
Looking for help from NT's and aspies a like. I have been married to an aspie for 12 years and one of our three kids was diagnosed with aspergers 5 years ago. He's 8. My wife self diagnosed herself last night and is coming to terms with it but she has suspected this for a long time. Her father has it as well.
Our history is long. She was diagnosed with bipolar2 5 yrs ago and takes abilify and Wellbutrin to manage the mood disorder. We had 2 miscarriages 6 yrs ago which triggered this. All the while we didn't know about the AS. now that she is stable, we are noticing her autistic tendencies more.
Our ability to communicate is hampered by the fact she tells me nothing about what's going on until the last second. She sees herself as lazy. I do 80% of the housework and hold a full time job. When I come home I feel she sees it as freedom to then go do what she wants and leave the kids with me. I get that though. They are a handful.
She needs a lot of alone time. And I am the opposite. Lol
Our relations is good. 4-5 a week.
She has a new set of friends. She plays soccer with them. She is obsessed with soccer and I love that. I dont know these people and they are big drinkers. Seeing that she gets very comfortable and uses alcohol to be "better" in social situations I don't trust how these people will treat her, not knowing her situation and that she is on a medication.
The more I wish to discuss these new friends, she gets her back up.
There's a couple of big parties coming up and I'm really anxious about them.
The anxiety comes from finding she was having an online affair 3 years ago. Since then she has apologized. It was during a time where her mood disorder went unmedicated for a bit. Then she admitted to having sex with her best friend ( also female) and declared she was bi. Now, 3 years on the medication all that is gone, but she really kept her phone close and protected it with passwords and always seems to be hiding something.
I asked her point blank if she is seeing someone or if there's anything going on and she gets really upset I ask and then says "no".
Considering the new friends, I'm anxious. There most likely is nothing going on, but I feel if I keep pressing she will. Every time I wish to have an opinion or say, " this isn't a good idea" she makes me feel bad, guilty, and I cave and she gets her way. I become "controlling".
I have OCD which I medicate now, so she has a point. But not everything I am worried is invalid.
I'm just afraid of doing the wrong thing or over analyzing.
In short, I'm having trouble asserting myself without pushing her away.
Any advice?
namesalltaken
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: 15 Sep 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 56
Location: Southeast Australia
What do I say to them? How do I act? How do I make them see me as equal to them, and spread the word amongst others that I'm equal to them rather than inferior? Thanks so much!! !
Oh yes, so much this. Final year English class we studied a book "Curious Incident of the Dog..." well my teacher who by then knew my condition wanted to single me out as an example. There was no way no I wanted to be formally attached to that (although this was hard for teacher to understand for some reason), likewise the implications in certain essay questions were just (well I could probably have written a good essay if I had been able to cool my outrage).
joecamp
Emu Egg
Joined: 11 Sep 2017
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 4
Location: 1695 Golden Street Miami, FL 33135
Here's a question how do you help someone who is always angry and mean to people because that's all said person knows how to be
____________________________
post via fix smartphone
If someone is always mean and angry that's a barrier that is pretty difficult to get through. If by "always" you mean more often than you can easily tolerate, or always in certain situations, then there might be some ways to help. It seems like everyone needs a sense of connection and safety. When someone is behaving angry and mean they are usually anxious and scared of something. It might be that they care a lot about how other people see them, or they are afraid of being taken advantage of and keep people at a distance. It could be that they always feel busy and don't have time to "be nice".
I find it's most helpful when I am around someone who seems to anger easily, or be grouchy and mean to other people, that if I can just accept it without becoming defensive(if I remain calm) then I can sometimes get an idea of what motivates the other person and that can help, because if I have an idea what the other person needs(beyond all the grumpiness) I might be able to help them with that and they might finally relax and show a gentler side of themselves.
I draw the line at overt intimidation or physical aggression. Those kinds of personalities I like to just avoid entirely, or keep at a distance.
Hope that is food for thought at least Zhzhubair4
_________________
One eye opened slowly, green and gold as sunlight in the woods. The cat said,"I am what I am. I would tell you what you want to know if I could, for you have been kind to me. But I am a cat, and no cat anywhere ever gave anyone a straight answer."
Richardf269
Sea Gull
Joined: 16 Dec 2012
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 204
Location: Isla Vista, California
I find it's most helpful when I am around someone who seems to anger easily, or be grouchy and mean to other people, that if I can just accept it without becoming defensive(if I remain calm) then I can sometimes get an idea of what motivates the other person and that can help, because if I have an idea what the other person needs(beyond all the grumpiness) I might be able to help them with that and they might finally relax and show a gentler side of themselves.
I draw the line at overt intimidation or physical aggression. Those kinds of personalities I like to just avoid entirely, or keep at a distance.
Hope that is food for thought at least Zhzhubair4
I have recently found out I have Bi-Polar Depression. I grew up with parents who thought I was some kind of moron. Even though they did not say it, ever since I was 5 I could feel in my heart that they thought I was an idiot. I have been Jaded since I was around 8. Ever since then, I have felt that my parents have broken my heart into a thousand pieces at that age because my parents refused to take responsibility of me and my brother when we were kids. My parents hardly did a thing with me, they taught me the bare minimum in terms of "Life Skills", and I grew up heavily bullied in school.
I had no one to rely on, and even my own friends would ridicule me when they were upset. I had virtually no one, I was utterly alone, and I still feel that way. I rarely have a "good" day because of my crippling depression. Ever since I was 14, my father insulted me on a daily basis. Every day I have to deal with my never ending rage and fury because depression, anger, rage and fury are the only emotions I know how to truly feel. I am constantly angry, I come off as weird to most people (even if they say it's a good or bad weird), and I try to make others laugh with jokes, but that works only about 50% of the time seeing as most of my humor is pretty childish.
I consider Autism a curse, not a gift. We trade in higher intelligence (average person has probably 95-110 IQ) and a higher state of "alertness" if you will, and have a very hard time expressing ourselves in words or with body language in return for that higher intelligence. I feel as if I am a robot, I feel absolutely mechanical because I am never "relaxed". My never ending rage keeps me tense 24/7. I feel like a pathetic fool most of the time because of what I went through. I feel a justified anger at my own parents. My younger brother had gotten married last weekend and he didn't even bother to tell me. I'm the black sheep on my mothers side of the family, it seems.
I prefer to be around nice people even though they make me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable around happy people because I know deep down anything and everything I do gives me very little joy or none at all. Or if anything does, it barely stays for long. To the average woman I know I come off as very weird, desperate and/or clingy because I crave touch so much by women that I revel in it. I would pretty much settle for just about any woman that even shows interest in me, I wouldn't let her bad traits bother me at all, unless she's the insulting type. But I must admit that I am also very picky.
I like to think of my depression as a never ending ocean of darkness, or an endless black void. And in the middle of those mind-scapes, there is a huge pillar of fire. I stand by that fire just to stay warm as I feel the ocean of darkness always just a few feet away from my own feet and I am on a small island that never diminishes. The only thing I see around me is a never ending cold, bottomless ocean lapping at my feet. I feel empty inside for the most part.
This may sound like a "fishing" story to some, but I was mentally abused by my alcoholic father for over 20 years. I have to deal with it every day, and the only things I really think about all the time is my childhood, and feeling depressed over it all the time. I'm a very lonely person, and I'm sure a lot of other Autistics and Aspies feel the same way a lot. Anyway...this is just another story of yet another Autistic kid who wasn't diagnosed until I was almost 30 (born in '83) and I was bullied quite a lot in school. I have to get over it, but since I'm slower in learning than other people, it'll probably take me longer than most.
Whoever is friends with an Autistic or an Aspie and you're not one, the WORST thing you could do is belittle them. We are bigger softies than the average person and it resonates stronger in us when we feel emotional pain.
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