First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

Page 149 of 158 [ 2516 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 146, 147, 148, 149, 150, 151, 152 ... 158  Next


Rate the idea
Good 35%  35%  [ 1197 ]
Good 36%  36%  [ 1246 ]
Bad 1%  1%  [ 32 ]
Bad 1%  1%  [ 32 ]
Good and bad 3%  3%  [ 118 ]
Good and bad 4%  4%  [ 126 ]
I'm indifferent 5%  5%  [ 166 ]
I'm indifferent 5%  5%  [ 176 ]
Greentea's crazy! / Greentea's king! / Let see those results 5%  5%  [ 172 ]
Greentea's crazy! / Greentea's king! / Let see those results 5%  5%  [ 176 ]
Total votes : 3441

fibonacci11
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 12 Nov 2016
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 4
Location: Sweden

23 Nov 2016, 5:45 pm

Evam wrote:
fibonacci11 wrote:
A question for NT:
Sometimes when I've taken on extra clothing to keep warm, I get the question "Are you cold?"

What do they mean by that? And how should I respond?


Most of the time it means: "shall I turn the heating on / the AC off?, "shall we go somewhere inside?" (most of the time) in the sense of "will that sweater do it?", or if there is no possibilty to change the temperature, the person is just showing concern (so no big difference from "how are you"). You can just answer something like "this (extra clothing) will do it" or "I am fine like that". Or with "well, I wouldnt mind if it was a little warmer in here."

In rare cases, it could mean "It is damned hot here, how can anyone possibly dress so much?". In particular, if you are in winter clothes and the others in light summer clothes. It should then be spoken with some kind of emphasis on cold and a surprise face.

If it is a guy that is quite charming, and you are still a little bit freezing, it could also end up with him offering you his coat, to create some kind of intimacy.



Thanks for a very good answer.
This question has always made me so confused, but now I think I get it!



Odysseus84
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 29 Dec 2016
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 17
Location: Chicago Area

01 Jan 2017, 10:00 pm

Question to NTs: What is the easiest way to explain my “gaze aversion?” By that I mean the fact that it hurts my brain to try to interpret facial expressions, particularly when the person has an expressive face. Typically, people think I’m rude/shy/insincere for not looking people in the eye, and that’s not true. I want to make it known that I understand voices and vocal intonations better than facial expressions and looking away from faces lets me be more focused on the person’s voice.

How can I say this in the most clear and effective way? I’m welcome to many different answers to this. And thank you so much for being on this forum. : ) I am so glad for NTs caring enough to come here.


_________________
"Don't listen to them
What do they know
We need each other
To have, to hold
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together"--You'll Be In My Heart by Phil Collins.


zoejane
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

Joined: 10 Feb 2017
Age: 48
Gender: Female
Posts: 22
Location: UK

11 Feb 2017, 11:02 am

cyberscan wrote:
Janissy wrote:
I think this is a great idea!! !

My questions ( am an NT parent of an AS child):

Were you self-injurious as a child? Did you grow out of it and have the feeling fade away or did you come up with specific ways to cope so you wouldn't self-injure? If somebody intervened (such as holding your hands) would that be helpful till the feeling passes or would it be even more upsetting?


I used to bite myself and head bang. My mom used to use manual restraint until the behavior stopped (it worked). I don't bite myself today.


I used to, and still do if pushed to the limit, bite my wrists and hit myself on the head. I have also been known to pull my own hair (hard). These things are a response to intense anger if someone (usually my parents) has said or done something I feel is totally unjust/unfair.



Unwanted1forever
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

Joined: 7 May 2017
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 94
Location: Indiana

07 May 2017, 5:11 pm

Here's a question how do you help someone who is always angry and mean to people because that's all said person knows how to be



green_balls
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 9 May 2017
Gender: Male
Posts: 1

09 May 2017, 4:56 pm

Hi, I'm new here. I've just been diagnosed with Aspergers and I'm trying to figure things out. Mostly trying to figure out how to prevent my wife from divorcing me.

Which leads me to my first question, sorry if this has been asked already, it's a long thread!

When someone says they will do anything for someone else. Like "I will do anything to change"
What do they actually mean, do they understand that 'anything' is infinite and it's not possible? Or do people actually think they can do anything?
I might say "I will do my absolute best." And I really mean that, blood sweat and tears but this doesn't seem to be good enough.

I'm often accused of putting myself first. The classic example is that if the house was on fire I would make sure to get out.
My wife on the other hand says she would first of all make sure *I* got out.
Of course I would do my absolute best to save her. If that was not possible I would try to save myself!

Am I just expressing myself wrong here or do people genuinely feel that if they couldn't save their partner they would stay in the house?



Campin_Cat
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2014
Age: 62
Gender: Female
Posts: 25,953
Location: Baltimore, Maryland, U.S.A.

09 May 2017, 7:47 pm

Unwanted1forever wrote:
Here's a question how do you help someone who is always angry and mean to people because that's all said person knows how to be

You DO know how to be nice----you just don't want to, right now, cuz you're hurting (I read about the horrible things your ex-wife did to you). MOST of us, here, have had alot of some kind of abuse, because we're so nice, trusting, naive, giving----if, for no other reason, than because we wanna be liked.....

Please, PLEASE get some Talk Therapy----you DESERVE not to hurt, anymore!!





_________________
White female; age 59; diagnosed Aspie.
I use caps for emphasis----I'm NOT angry or shouting. I use caps like others use italics, underline, or bold.
"What we know is a drop; what we don't know, is an ocean." (Sir Isaac Newton)


Kevinthechicken
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 13 May 2017
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 3
Location: Oregon

14 May 2017, 10:28 am

Hello,
I've just joined so apologies if I'm stepping on any toes-I'm trying to respond to the first question by green_balls so I hope I'm doing that correctly. Im married to a man with aspergers (or more specifically HFA-i know there's some debate on the relatedness but that's for another thread!). I'm NT in that I myself am not AS but I do have ADHD which has some similar cognitive affects. Green-I can tell how hurt and confused you are-I see it in my husband every day. He's always so hurt and I'm always hurt that HE's hurt (if that makes sense?). It's why I started reading this thread. Most help for women in NT/AS relationships if from the perspective of other NT's. So to answer your question when someone (I'm assuming you're feeling the pressure for that someone to be you) says they'd "do anything to make this work"-in a literal sense, yes-that means anything within that persons mental or emotional limits. BUT-"limits" needs to be a bit fluid, make sense? As in-if you're training for a marathon and you run 2 miles one day-that day it's your limit. But it won't get you to that marathon. So the next day you run 2 miles and think "I'm sacked, there's no way I could do more" but you dig deep down and run 3 miles. So your limit that day was 3 miles. In a relationship some days you'll have more stamina than others and on those days you can't stop where you had before because that was your limit that day, today you have more-you need to "give more" if you can do your partner can have their rest day. Does that make sense? I'm happy to try to clarify if I need. I don't know you or your partner but if she's like me-she continues to add extra miles past her previous limit to keep the relationship going but she can't do that forever-she'll run out of energy. (Again, I hope this is making sense). She inherently believes that you'all know when that limit is and what to do-but you don't. AS makes that really really hard. I think therapy is beneficial to everyone but I think the best thing you can do is here what she says she needs. It most likely won't make any sense to you. But just hear-don't interrupt or jump to conclusions or get defensive. I'm sorry it will most likely feel like an attack because for us not on the spectrum we have a very very hard time taking emotions out of everything to make it easier to understand. Maybe have her write it down if that sounds overwhelming. Don't act on anything if you don't understand what she's really wanting. Just take this one baby step of letting her feel like her energy tanks are every now and then as important as yours. Now-onto the burning house analogy-that is so something my OH would say, lol! I'm laughing now but I'm the moment I would be hurt too! Of course, if our house were suddenly engulfed in flames and there was honest to god NO WAY anyone could get near anything to save-well, no one is totally fireproof and I didn't marry Kurt Russel from back draft BUT in this thought experiment the point is not to use computer like calculations to determine the statistical probability that saving her would kill you or not (I know you won't believe me but YOU DO NOT HAVE THAT CAPABILITY. No one does.) You do not have the ability in that moment to know whether going back for her would kill you. (I can hear you poking holes in this as I type but bare with me)-your GF is asking "would you sacrifice yourself for me as I would for you?" And she's hearing "no-because I might get burned". That's a tough thing to hear from someone you would put your life on the line for. I hope this helps and just remember-sometimes relationships don't work out and that's ok. It's no refelection on how good a person you are or how "good" a boyfriend you are.
Good luck,
Kevin the Chicken



Kevinthechicken
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 13 May 2017
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 3
Location: Oregon

14 May 2017, 10:47 am

B19 wrote:
It's always confusing to see these requests and not know which underlying theme applies:

"I am NT and my partner isn't so he/she should change to suit me"
"I am NT and want to change to accommodate my partner"
"We both need help and would appreciate help working it out together"
"How can I help our relationship"
"How can I teach him to fill my needs"

In the past from time to time, we have had new NT members come here with expectations aligned with theme number one and five. On a neurodiverse site, they have been inflammatory and hurtful. The other themes are generally received with willingness to assist. Some threads seem to change direction though, to an AS beat up, though hopefully this will be one of the goodies.


Hi! I'm new here.
Husband AS-me ADHD. I don't know how much you'd believe me but pretty much EVERY marriage support site or book or forum I've been to by NT's almost exclusively addresses how NT's can change/accept/ or disengage and even the first time we tried therapy it was essentially focused on all the ways I had to change because it was sort of tacitly implied that my OH couldn't. We both found this hurtful. I actually joined this site so I could get more of an AS view of relationship dynamics vs just being told that if I want to stay married I'm the only one that needs to work on it (which is just impossible for any one person). Just my experience.



Kevinthechicken
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 13 May 2017
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 3
Location: Oregon

14 May 2017, 10:48 am

green_balls wrote:
Hi, I'm new here. I've just been diagnosed with Aspergers and I'm trying to figure things out. Mostly trying to figure out how to prevent my wife from divorcing me.

Which leads me to my first question, sorry if this has been asked already, it's a long thread!

When someone says they will do anything for someone else. Like "I will do anything to change"
What do they actually mean, do they understand that 'anything' is infinite and it's not possible? Or do people actually think they can do anything?
I might say "I will do my absolute best." And I really mean that, blood sweat and tears but this doesn't seem to be good enough.

I'm often accused of putting myself first. The classic example is that if the house was on fire I would make sure to get out.
My wife on the other hand says she would first of all make sure *I* got out.
Of course I would do my absolute best to save her. If that was not possible I would try to save myself!

Am I just expressing myself wrong here or do people genuinely feel that if they couldn't save their partner they would stay in the house?

Hello,
I've just joined so apologies if I'm stepping on any toes-I'm trying to respond to the first question by green_balls so I hope I'm doing that correctly. Im married to a man with aspergers (or more specifically HFA-i know there's some debate on the relatedness but that's for another thread!). I'm NT in that I myself am not AS but I do have ADHD whijch has some similar cognitive affects. Green-I can tell how hurt and confused you are-I see it in my husband every day. He's always so hurt and I'm always hurt that HE's hurt (if that makes sense?). It's why I started reading this thread. Most help for women in NT/AS relationships if from the perspective of other NT's. So to answer your question when someone (I'm assuming you're feeling the pressure for that someone to be you) says they'd "do anything to make this work"-in a literal sense, yes-that means anything within that persons mental or emotional limits. BUT-"limits" needs to be a bit fluid, make sense? As in-if you're training for a marathon and you run 2 miles one day-that day it's your limit. But it won't get you to that marathon. So the next day you run 2 miles and think "I'm sacked, there's no way I could do more" but you dig deep down and run 3 miles. So your limit that day was 3 miles. In a relationship some days you'll have more stamina than others and on those days you can't stop where you had before because that was your limit that day, today you have more-you need to "give more" if you can do your partner can have their rest day. Does that make sense? I'm happy to try to clarify if I need. I don't know you or your partner but if she's like me-she continues to add extra miles past her previous limit to keep the relationship going but she can't do that forever-she'll run out of energy. (Again, I hope this is making sense). She inherently believes that you'all know when that limit is and what to do-but you don't. AS makes that really really hard. I think therapy is beneficial to everyone but I think the best thing you can do is here what she says she needs. It most likely won't make any sense to you. But just hear-don't interrupt or jump to conclusions or get defensive. I'm sorry it will most likely feel like an attack because for us not on the spectrum we have a very very hard time taking emotions out of everything to make it easier to understand. Maybe have her write it down if that sounds overwhelming. Don't act on anything if you don't understand what she's really wanting. Just take this one baby step of letting her feel like her energy tanks are every now and then as important as yours. Now-onto the burning house analogy-that is so something my OH would say, lol! I'm laughing now but I'm the moment I would be hurt too! Of course, if our house were suddenly engulfed in flames and there was honest to god NO WAY anyone could get near anything to save-well, no one is totally fireproof and I didn't marry Kurt Russel from back draft BUT in this thought experiment the point is not to use computer like calculations to determine the statistical probability that saving her would kill you or not (I know you won't believe me but YOU DO NOT HAVE THAT CAPABILITY. No one does.) You do not have the ability in that moment to know whether going back for her would kill you. (I can hear you poking holes in this as I type but bare with me)-your GF is asking "would you sacrifice yourself for me as I would for you?" And she's hearing "no-because I might get burned". That's a tough thing to hear from someone you would put your life on the line for. I hope this helps and just remember-sometimes relationships don't work out and that's ok. It's no refelection on how good a person you are or how "good" a boyfriend you are.
Good luck,
Kevin the Chicken



Alita
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Oct 2013
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 924
Location: Surrounded by water

16 May 2017, 9:09 am

I'm not sure where to post this.

I tried to post a new topic and it keeps telling me that action is not allowed - error message.

What do I have to do to be allowed to start a new topic?

Thanks


_________________
"There once was a little molecule who dreamed of being part of the crest of a great wave..."
(From the story 'The Little Molecule' - Amazon Kindle, 2013)


Chelsie
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 12 May 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 138

21 May 2017, 10:30 pm

alba wrote:
Janissy wrote:
I think this is a great idea!! !

My questions ( am an NT parent of an AS child):

Were you self-injurious as a child? Did you grow out of it and have the feeling fade away or did you come up with specific ways to cope so you wouldn't self-injure? If somebody intervened (such as holding your hands) would that be helpful till the feeling passes or would it be even more upsetting?

Headbanging and other things when child. I presently self-harm very rarely, and only when stressed to the max. Fortunately outgrew it.


.





I just hope that hotline works and good thing you outgrew everything.



PaperVoice24
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 25 May 2017
Age: 23
Gender: Male
Posts: 11
Location: Delaware, USA

28 May 2017, 7:47 pm

A question for NTs:
How the heck does flirting work? When I'm out with friends at a social event and I see an attractive person, I can start a conversation. Often this includes exchanging pleasantries and awkwardly asking "Get to know you" kinds of questions. But I'm clueless when it comes to flirting or letting someone know I'm interested.

As a young guy, there's a lot of emphasis placed on being able to make the first move, but I'm bewildered.



WilliamBlaak
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 12 Jun 2017
Gender: Male
Posts: 2
Location: Tacoma, WA

12 Jun 2017, 3:57 pm

AS/NT relationship help... specific communication issue

Hello all, first post, hope I am doing this right.

I am (AS) in a committed relationship with an NT partner and we are having enormous communication problems (which we are working on).

When I feel I am not being understood I impulsively turn up the "intensity", and have a very hard time. It's like I feel if I am more dramatic they will understand. If I feel I am not being understood I feel very "isolated" and it is almost like a panic (too strong a word).

This leads to problems, understandably.

Do any of you share this? And if so, how do you handle it? Control it? Prevent it?

It is really putting the relationship in danger, even though we both love each other.

William



Alita
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Oct 2013
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 924
Location: Surrounded by water

18 Jun 2017, 8:23 pm

WilliamBlaak wrote:
AS/NT relationship help... specific communication issue

Hello all, first post, hope I am doing this right.

I am (AS) in a committed relationship with an NT partner and we are having enormous communication problems (which we are working on).

When I feel I am not being understood I impulsively turn up the "intensity", and have a very hard time. It's like I feel if I am more dramatic they will understand. If I feel I am not being understood I feel very "isolated" and it is almost like a panic (too strong a word).

This leads to problems, understandably.

Do any of you share this? And if so, how do you handle it? Control it? Prevent it?

It is really putting the relationship in danger, even though we both love each other.

William


I do this too. I think practice is the only way to learn a new communication method.

PaperVoice24, flirting is totally overrated. If you play by your own rules, you'll find the person who will like you, not the persona you created to attract them.


_________________
"There once was a little molecule who dreamed of being part of the crest of a great wave..."
(From the story 'The Little Molecule' - Amazon Kindle, 2013)


NancyTodd
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 26 Jun 2017
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 1
Location: USA

26 Jun 2017, 5:13 am

'j'k



lmdeming
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 5 Jul 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 1
Location: Texas

05 Jul 2017, 2:05 pm

I am new to this. I am a NT in a relationship with an Aspie. I love him dearly. He has been there for me for me whenever I need him for the last 4 years and said he always will, which I do believe. But, he does no longer wants a romantic relationship with me, just friends. He said he does not know the reason, just that the romantic relationship "does not feel right". He said I have done nothing wrong. It is sad and I am confused. Any Advice?