First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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deci16
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22 Sep 2016, 8:22 pm

Dear Aspie Members

Please give details on how an NT partner can approach an aspie to speak with them about emotions and emotional needs without overwhelming the aspie partner and causing them to shutdown and or stonewalling their NT partners?



B19
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22 Sep 2016, 8:47 pm

Work out a mutually suitable time when you are both rested and no distractions.
Decide on the one single issue to be discussed in advance - only one
Agree to listen to each other without judgment, interruption nor dispute
Flip a coin to see who goes first
Each person has two completely uninterrupted minutes of the other's listening attention

Don't do this if mutual trust doesn't exist between you.
Don't use the accusational "you always.." or "you never"
Don't use the two minutes to fire questions at your partner
Respect whatever the other person says, even if it isn't what you wanted to hear
Find something to appreciate about the other person and express it sincerely
Identify one small change you are willing to make for the other person
Identify one small change you want to receive from the other person
Agree on when to revisit progress and do this listening gig again

Appreciation, Approval, Attention, Affection and Acceptance = the 5A's that expand people in relationships



deci16
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22 Sep 2016, 9:32 pm

B19 wrote:
Work out a mutually suitable time when you are both rested and no distractions.
Decide on the one single issue to be discussed in advance - only one
Agree to listen to each other without judgment, interruption nor dispute
Flip a coin to see who goes first
Each person has two completely uninterrupted minutes of the other's listening attention

Don't do this if mutual trust doesn't exist between you.
Don't use the accusational "you always.." or "you never"
Don't use the two minutes to fire questions at your partner
Respect whatever the other person says, even if it isn't what you wanted to hear
Find something to appreciate about the other person and express it sincerely
Identify one small change you are willing to make for the other person
Identify one small change you want to receive from the other person
Agree on when to revisit progress and do this listening gig again

Appreciation, Approval, Attention, Affection and Acceptance = the 5A's that expand people in relationships


Thank you B19. I appreciate you outlining several important points to remember when speaking with my aspie partner. It is a lot to keep in mind, and its even harder to uphold those rules, and put them into practice when you're in the middle of an emotionally charged conversation.

Walking on eggshells every time a relationship issue arises is very taxing and stressful. But often as the NT partner, I feel as though I am responsible for protecting my partner's feelings; and in doing so I am unable to be upfront with him regarding what I need emotionally. A part of me is fearful he will not understand these emotional needs of mine.



Waterfalls
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22 Sep 2016, 10:48 pm

deci16 wrote:
Dear Aspie Members

Please give details on how an NT partner can approach an aspie to speak with them about emotions and emotional needs without overwhelming the aspie partner and causing them to shutdown and or stonewalling their NT partners?

You sound frustrated. I hope this works out for you. And I think it is even simpler than what B19 wrote.

Look through your partner's eyes, see how he or she loves and appreciates you, and meditate on what you appreciate and how you are appreciated a moment. Take a breath, and when you are ready, in a calm moment, suggest a step your partner can take that would bring you more peace and happiness.

It is easy to mistake seeming oblivious for being oblivious. Your partner may sense your unhappiness and not know how to help. Try to tell yourself this story, not the story where you do all the work and your partner is less than. We all can look down sometimes on someone for not understanding something we do, and that's natural since what we know seems obvious once we know it. Your partner likely does not know how to make you happy just as you do not know how to make things better.

Beliefs are powerful in determining our responses, and it's important your partner senses that love and respect, trust and vulnerability lie behind your words when you speak to him or her about the topic you would like to adddress. Too often people try to change each other by talking about what should be. I like to do things for others as a gift, given out of love or affection or because I am persuaded it is logical. I think most people would prefer this to hearing what they are failing to do.



kraftiekortie
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22 Sep 2016, 11:26 pm

Hi Waterfalls. I missed you.

That was really lovely, what you wrote.



B19
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23 Sep 2016, 12:53 am

Waterfalls!! !! !! Welcome back :P

Different strokes for different folks I think: some AS people will prefer a predictable structure to these sensitive discussions, and some a more fluid process of connection.



Waterfalls
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23 Sep 2016, 6:58 am

You are both very kind :)



katy_rome
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27 Sep 2016, 2:55 am

Dreadful Dante wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
Just talking about this is so upsetting to me. I don't think you get it. I'm actually crying right now because of how sad the situation is because people who are like this can't do anything about it - it's how they are. No NT female could last in a relationship with someone who has this alexithymia. That's why you get the reaction you do from NT's because they can't comprehend someone being like that. Maybe some Aspies don't have alexithymia or have it to a low degree, but the ones who do aren't able to sustain friendships or relationships very well just like the article says. I just keep remembering my one friend who had it and he had relationships, but HE was never happy in them - he said he stayed in them because he thought he was supposed to according to society's rules. He had no feelings for those women or his family. I felt really bad for him. If you tell people, they just aren't going to understand. And they will want to try and "fix" you.


It's okay, Angela. I'm happy like this. I do have empathy and can imagine how it is to see their pain. It is indeed startling for us and for you, too. And the incredible thing is that you recognize this and try to understand it when almost everyone else is pointing out quick fixes.

Your tears are worth it. You are memorable and everytime I hear the name Angela, I'll picture a wonderful, loving and caring woman. That's my bliss. Having in my mind a never changing perfect image of the special people I meet. And it is unchanging because I know the logics of what makes them perfect.

I will help people like this in the future when I have my financial freedom and I will teach them everything I know, so the lost ones will have a way. And for the ones who believe they're broken, I'll buy them a new mirror. 'Cause we're not broken. We're are artisticly put together. Like Mosaic.

We do love, we do care, we do see the pains of others. It's just that sometimes it takes a little more work for that to happen.

Peacefully,
Dante.

Thank you, Angela. You're very special.


Right, now I'm crying too. Though I feel a bit of a voyeur (sorry!).
You guys are really wonderful. If only there was such sincerity and true deep feeling more often.
:heart:



Evam
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29 Sep 2016, 7:27 am

Dreadful Dante wrote:
This one goes to the NTs:

Would you befriend someone if you knew they would never ever miss you? If not, why?

I'm not able to display emotional attachment or miss other people but I still can enjoy some people's companies A LOT. That's why I'm asking.


Yes, if you are an interesting person, and many ASD people are interesting for me, why not? But for a romantic relationship not, less because you would not miss me, more because I want to be understood and supported well in what I care for; this makes things easier. That does not mean that such a "loose" friendship, even if we dont see each other very often, could not be quite intense, once we spend time together.



Juniper736
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13 Oct 2016, 6:30 pm

Hey, all. I'm an NT married to a software guy who I'm pretty sure is an aspie - I've done a lot of reading and it seems like a pretty good fit. We're good people, yet we have a lot of conflict over the types of things that I hear NTs and aspies have conflict over - touch, affection, emotional connection, picking up on social signals, etc. I've broached the idea of AS to him and he's pretty dismissive but said he'd read something if I send him a link. Does anyone have recommendations? An article or blog would be great. Are the online quizzes useful at all?

Thanks in advance!
Juniper736



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13 Oct 2016, 7:24 pm

It's always confusing to see these requests and not know which underlying theme applies:

"I am NT and my partner isn't so he/she should change to suit me"
"I am NT and want to change to accommodate my partner"
"We both need help and would appreciate help working it out together"
"How can I help our relationship"
"How can I teach him to fill my needs"

In the past from time to time, we have had new NT members come here with expectations aligned with theme number one and five. On a neurodiverse site, they have been inflammatory and hurtful. The other themes are generally received with willingness to assist. Some threads seem to change direction though, to an AS beat up, though hopefully this will be one of the goodies.



Sheila Nye
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18 Oct 2016, 1:55 pm

Autistic here.


Re: partner that seems to fit aspieness.

I think that him getting\accepting that diagnosis or any other is secondary to whatever goodness and issues are in the relationship.

That you are aware that you have similar problems to nt-aspie couples is a good thing. Will you love him even if he does not wish to know things about being an aspie or a suspected aspie? Or anywhere else on the spectrum?

Any true partnership is mutual.

You don't have to answer this here because I am a random stranger on the interwebz... What specific problems are you two having financially? socially? physically (health, medical)? intellectually (philosophical outlooks on life and how to address problems? Do your styles match?) emotionally? sexually?

Why is it so important to you (if I am reading this correctly) that partner accept an nt\as framework to identify and solve problems?

Perhaps there are other frameworks that both of you can agree to use?

Or, what problem are you having in the relationship that we can talk about from our as points of view?

Again, I may be reading this wrongly.



kraftiekortie
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18 Oct 2016, 2:03 pm

Sheila Nye rhymes with Nellie Bly!



fibonacci11
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18 Nov 2016, 6:42 am

A question for NT:
Sometimes when I've taken on extra clothing to keep warm, I get the question "Are you cold?"

What do they mean by that? And how should I respond?



Evam
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21 Nov 2016, 12:56 pm

fibonacci11 wrote:
A question for NT:
Sometimes when I've taken on extra clothing to keep warm, I get the question "Are you cold?"

What do they mean by that? And how should I respond?


Most of the time it means: "shall I turn the heating on / the AC off?, "shall we go somewhere inside?" (most of the time) in the sense of "will that sweater do it?", or if there is no possibilty to change the temperature, the person is just showing concern (so no big difference from "how are you"). You can just answer something like "this (extra clothing) will do it" or "I am fine like that". Or with "well, I wouldnt mind if it was a little warmer in here."

In rare cases, it could mean "It is damned hot here, how can anyone possibly dress so much?". In particular, if you are in winter clothes and the others in light summer clothes. It should then be spoken with some kind of emphasis on cold and a surprise face.

If it is a guy that is quite charming, and you are still a little bit freezing, it could also end up with him offering you his coat, to create some kind of intimacy.



fibonacci11
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23 Nov 2016, 5:45 pm

Evam wrote:
fibonacci11 wrote:
A question for NT:
Sometimes when I've taken on extra clothing to keep warm, I get the question "Are you cold?"

What do they mean by that? And how should I respond?


Most of the time it means: "shall I turn the heating on / the AC off?, "shall we go somewhere inside?" (most of the time) in the sense of "will that sweater do it?", or if there is no possibilty to change the temperature, the person is just showing concern (so no big difference from "how are you"). You can just answer something like "this (extra clothing) will do it" or "I am fine like that". Or with "well, I wouldnt mind if it was a little warmer in here."

In rare cases, it could mean "It is damned hot here, how can anyone possibly dress so much?". In particular, if you are in winter clothes and the others in light summer clothes. It should then be spoken with some kind of emphasis on cold and a surprise face.

If it is a guy that is quite charming, and you are still a little bit freezing, it could also end up with him offering you his coat, to create some kind of intimacy.



Thanks for a very good answer.
This question has always made me so confused, but now I think I get it!