If someone isn't interested in what you're talking about....

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You said that your CBT therapist told you how to be happy as a defense against what I was saying. Then, upon my revealing the flaws in your thinking, admitted that you are a miserable person most of the time. HUMANS are social creatures, AS or not. The happiness of human beings is closely tied to the quality of their communal and social relationships--this has been shown by science time and time again. I have read other posts of your which indicate you spend most of your time avoiding people and "hate" interacting with them. To then say this has no place in what makes you unhappy is, in my opinion, foolish.

You can learn to tolerate and get along with people. Trust me--I've done it. it sucks, and it's hard, but in the end it's so worth it that I cannot even articulate it. Going from someone with no friends to someone with friends who legitimately care about me, in relative abundance, has made a huge impact in my own happiness and sense of peace. You get defensive, tell me I'm wrong or that "I don't understand AS," when in reality you are again resorting to your superiority complex, refusal to change yourself, and victim outlook. To me, it sounds like you have become to comfortable being unhappy that you're simply unwilling to do the work it would take to change yourself into a happy person. That's your choice, and you will have to live with the consequences--which, in your words, are "despair and constant suicidal thinking."

You are also completely entrenched in your opinion that "it will do you no good" and the illusory assumption that people will not like you for who you are--that the only like the "mask" of which you speak. This is true of some people, and I agree--they are not really worth being friends with. However, there is a world of people out there who appreciate honesty and who it will bring you much closer to when you show them the real you. But as I pointed you, you seem very unwilling to even entertain the idea that something could help you become happier.

Then that means I've been "close" to finding love for the past 5 or so years... as I've been able to make "friends" (using the commonly-accepted NT definition of friend, not my own) with almost everyone I get to know for just as long... and some of those do go on to fitting my stricter definition of "friend"

Somehow, I doubt your assessment is correct... making friends does not necessarily lead to making lovers... otherwise I wouldn't still be a complete romantic failure...

What I meant, was that you have learned to focus on acquiring both friends and a lover. Of course it is impossible to predict when or if love will come, but my comparison of you to other Aspie male's posts, was of you not exclusively focusing on finding love only. IMO, a man who is able to be a friend, has made a very good start.

Well, I still have big hopes for you, TOS. I think you're on the verge of success, and when you get it, you'll be mostly happy (with some new issues from having a relationship, but that's normal). I'm looking forward to the day when this happens for you.

One thing that i have found to be particularly helpful on this front is essay writing. I suck at it but learning how has taught me something important: as an aspie you must budget what you say. Say only the most essential things first. If they are still interested, then elaborate, point by point. And be succinct.

The problem most aspies have is they have no idea which part of what they're talking about is most essential or interesting to the listener.

Think of it this way: you are listening to a suspenseful or otherwise riveting story and right when the story teller is about to get to something really key or important that would bring things together, they go back to repeat something they've already said, or say that earlier part just a little differently, and they're long-winded about it.

Think about what the thesis of your statement is, then talk. Be brief and STFU. Also if you've already stated your point and feel the need to dive into further detail, a few steps in, ask if you are talking to much. Maybe ask that fairly often. If you are, then go back to just saying the thesis the next time a reply is asked of you.

Anoying behavior solved.

This is excellent advice! I tend to ramble or repeat myself when talking.

this has nothing to do with anything--least of all "love and romance"---but i'm still fascinated by cortisol.

I'm glad this is a help to people. I must point out that I am a student of this rather than a master.

I got this info and similar from the book Double Your Dating by David DeAngelo, which is a $30 PDF you can download, or you can pirate it and his excellent DVD's on various dating themes, though I wouldn't recommend that route. If you take what the book talks about as general communication advice, it is best. Also the only stuff I found useful came after page (not sure) 72 or so. Still worth the $30 I think.

You make it sound like me getting a girlfriend is inevitable... Based on my experiences, I was getting the opposite impression...

Hey, thanks. And after having read yours here, may I say the same to you! I'm just sorry I got distracted from this thread and am here, 5 days later, re-visiting it. I wish I'd come back on that night and seen this then.



Something wonderful is happening to me since coming to WP. My intent was to learn more about AS (which I am, naturally) but what is so marvelously unexpected is that I'm learning so much about a lot of my own long-held hurt and anguish. I'm starting to see now that people's anger, the stuff that they seem to just hurl around indiscriminately, really does not have to hit me full in the face. I can duck. And it's not my job to stand in the way of sh*t-tossing to protect those around me when I don't necessarily have enough armor of my own to do much protecting. I can be empathetic and not have to wear other people's anger. It triggers my anger/depression. And my anger can't fix other people's anger. Silly me! This "wounded hero" persona of mine, when it came to me recently, just made me think of a scene at the very beginning of the first "Superman" movie:

(You needn't bother watching the whole clip: Just drag the time bar cursor forward and watch from 4:15 to 4:24)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yejwYSZQPsg[/youtube]

"Easy, Miss. I've got you."
"You've got me? Who's got you?!"
*Superman snickers*

This is how I often feel, not just here at WP, but in my marriage to a lovely troubled guy who has AS/BPD. He and all of his family expect me to catch him when he falls... but in reality... I need catching myself, too.



I, too, am finding myself posting a lot in the Adult Issues and Love and Dating subforums for the same reasons -- it's where I think I can do the most good. Other than that, I'm doing a lot of lurking because when I have become involved in the General Discussion area, I have so far been voicing some outrage over NT bashing. Not that it turned out badly -- it was really overall a positive experience -- but I can't really be doing that all the time, and anyway, I think the WP staff got a good idea of how many people here really disapprove of it -- NT and AS alike. But it's exhausting and messes with my head a bit, so, not my favorite.



And I too will investigate your recommendations. I know my hubby will get into anything to do with AI, and Matrix and Terminator just happen to be two of his all-time favorite movies!

Be well,
Feyhera

Yeah! You know what else grinds my gears? Those damn disabled people always going around in those chairs all the time. Lazy is what that is!

You'd be surprised how difficult it is to notice these things. With a bit of attention you can notice someone's looking at their watch as long as they're not being subtle (actually tracking eye movements to see where someone is looking is effectively impossible, even pointing is tricky when you're tired), but that's normally the point when they're thinking "he's been talking for hours, why won't he just shut up?"

I don't ramble anymore, I had enough obvious body language to know I was doing it, which was fine, once the bruises healed, but I have no way to moderate this behaviour. So I almost always stick to the other extreme, never say more than one sentence at a time.

LAWL

Well its easier for some people than for others. This stuff is the sort of thing aspies should be taught starting in elementary school as a survival skill. Thats one thing that is missing in special ed: survival skills for neuro-aetypicals. It will help with all aspects of life if you can learn it. It took me most of my life to learn it. i'm 26 now, not exactly a geezer but you get my point. Take a course or three in essay writing. Better - take a lot of courses that require it. It will help you learn how to budget your information.

THeres no reason you should have to limit your self-expression that drastically.

They are not lazy if their legs do not work well. Some people have a chronic illness and it makes them weak to walk so they can't walk far so they use those wheel chairs to get around. So it's pretty unfair to call someone lazy just because they need a chair to get around because their legs do not work or their illness makes them fatigue and it keeps them from being able to walk far. They are not choosing that lifestyle.

He was being sarcastic, basically telling me that I was exhibiting a spartan 'JUST GET OVER IT" attitude towards people with Aspergers.