Desperate Plea: How To Break Up With An Aspie Boyfriend

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TheFlummox
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23 Jul 2009, 11:04 pm

First off, I'd like to say that I'm sorry if this comes off as offensive, i can see how it might i just have nowhere else to turn at this point.

I'm an NT girl, I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 months and lately it's just become too stressful to deal with.

A little Background Info:
When we met i thought he was slightly awkward and my friends found him off-putting but I liked him and didn't notice anything too bothersome about it as I'm slightly socially awkward as well. A month or so into dating he casually mentioned during a conversation that he was diagnosed with Asperger's in H.S. but that he never thought it hindered his functioning in any way. I thought nothing of it and quite frankly kind of forgot about it.

Then came the tantrums - the first one was at a party, he was distant and occupied with his phone the entire time and then screamed that we had to leave immediately only an hour after we got there. The second was in front of my coworker after a concert, a bunch of us were talking and not really paying attention to where we were going so decided to change the plans up a bit - he threw a FIT so bad that my coworker and his friends were concerned that he was abusive toward me and even wrote me a heartfelt letter telling me that i could reach out to them for support. It was embarrassing to say the least.

After the situation in the cab i begged him to seek counseling or learn coping techniques for controlling his outbursts. He promised he would - he hasn't. In the meantime I've been reading up on Asperger's and trying to stay positive about the continuous fits, his inability to be emotionally supportive, his indecision about basic things and scores of other things that i have not idea how to deal with.

I thought i could make it work, by simply not going out as much or taking him to places where there will be loud noises or alot of people. I try not to make any sudden changes in my plans as that seems to stress him out the most. When he has an outburst I try not to freak out, and I simply wait for it to be over. But in the midst of this, I've lost all romantic feeling toward him. We haven't had sex in a month, I don't think he's noticed and I'm rarely affectionate with him. From what I can tell he thinks everything is perfect. But i know I can't be with him anymore. I have to break up with him.

Now to the question: How do I go about it? He gets sooooo anxious and stressed when there's a slight hitch in plans. I can't imagine what to expect from him with this. Also, we made plans months ago to take a trip and it's coming up in about a month. Should I wait until after the trip, so as not to worry him more? Should I warn him in a more direct way that things aren't going well so it's not a shock to him? How do I do this? Should I do it in a public place? At his apartment? Over the internet or phone? What would make him most comfortable? He told me once that after he broke up with his ex he became depressed and suicidal and lost his job - I really do care about him and don't want to completely screw up his life, but staying with him is just not an option for me.

I should also say that he's generally a sweet, intelligent guy and despite all the problems I know he has plenty to offer someone in a relationship. But I don't think I'm strong enough to handle this right now, that's all.

I know not all people with Asperger's are the same and that I probably sound like a complete jerk, but the only advice I get from my friends is to do just do it and not worry about his reaction, that he'll get over it. I'm hoping that maybe the people on this forum will have a little more insight on what I should do. I don't mean to categorize or generalize, I'm just desperate. I know the longer I wait the harder it will be on him. I just want to do this right.


- Thanks.



buryuntime
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23 Jul 2009, 11:29 pm

I don't understand why you can't deal with the outbursts?



DaWalker
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23 Jul 2009, 11:36 pm

Desperate Plea: How To Break Up With An Aspie Boyfriend


Do things, that will make him want to break up with you.



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23 Jul 2009, 11:48 pm

Tough situation; I would prefer the honest route over deception. If you care about him, and believe that the romance may rekindle, you may put it to him that while he believes he is not affected, that it is affecting you and that if there is to be a relationship then you need him to be involved in understanding, communicating and compromising on the issue.


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24 Jul 2009, 1:34 am

DaWalker wrote:
Do things, that will make him want to break up with you.


Like spend his paycheck on partying and drugs and break out the windows in his apartment? I know someone whose girlfriend did just that. There's no way she did that out of sheer incompetence. She must have done all that on purpose to get him to break up with her. A month later she was engaged to someone else. Go figure.

You can go the flaky route if you wish, but you risk having everyone involved think very negatively of you if you do this. Then again, why do you care, if you're breaking up with him, after all?


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inthehills
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24 Jul 2009, 3:34 am

There's nothing you can do about his reaction. This break-up seems inevitable. I'd tell him over the phone. Good luck.



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24 Jul 2009, 4:26 am

Try not to be harsh with it or anything, as for the way he reacts, well be prepared for all outcomes, he may react badly, then again he may not, though then again he may still believe that it can work despite you and others believing otherwise. Just be prepared for anything, all aspies are different, some of us can handle breakups well, others (myself included as I've had my fair share of heartbreak) don't deal with it all that well, but ultimately he likely will be hurt, doesn't matter if one is aspie or NT we all get hurt if we go through breakups

hope it goes ok without it becoming a major issue for you


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24 Jul 2009, 5:36 am

No background necessary (I'll save my attention). Anyone should be allowed to break up with anyone, for whatever silly reason. It is better that people who aren't meant to be together don't try.

Chances are he just doesn't like the social life you have together, or the intensity of it. His outburst may be after quite a bit of painful exposure that you aren't aware of. He is probably putting himself through it because the feel that is what the relationship demands.

Personally if I was going into a relationship I would explain that I need a thimble of social contact, rather then a bucket, and I am fairly independent so have no problem with each doing our thing, etc. This is not for everyone. For some people it is socially significant that you publicly display the relationship. Human are animals, people tend to forget that. he might not be able to help the way he is but you are no different.

One thing is be honest, don't play those games people do where they are unable to give the really reason why they are breaking up, for risk of hurting them. When actually, the lie can be more hurtful, because it doesn’t make sense, so will cause much ponder.



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24 Jul 2009, 5:38 am

DaWalker wrote:
Do things, that will make him want to break up with you.

Bad idea

inthehills wrote:
I'd tell him over the phone. Good luck.

Bad idea



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24 Jul 2009, 5:39 am

buryuntime wrote:
I don't understand why you can't deal with the outbursts?

becuase some people can't deal with outbursts. it is pretty simple really.



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24 Jul 2009, 5:45 am

They're not temper tantrums. They're called meltdowns. Look meltdown up in the dictionary.


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24 Jul 2009, 5:52 am

Meltdowns in that context probably hasn't entered to dictionary yet. It takes time for new words to get in one, sometimes decades.

Please people if you have a problem with defensive NTs don't be a hypocrite.

It gets a bit ridiculous after a while. Really it is not an issue of right or wrong, but a question of compatibility.



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24 Jul 2009, 5:55 am

buryuntime wrote:

Quote:
I don't understand why you can't deal with the outbursts?

8O My father's meltdowns traumatized me, probably why I shut down instead. NT's get to have feelings too. BTW I don't support the whole Cassandra Affective Disorder thing.

DaWalker wrote:
Quote:
Do things, that will make him want to break up with you.

Sure, lets pile on the stress. :roll:

You don't sound offensive at all TheFlummox, thanks for writing. Perhaps you could write him a letter and be specific about the reasons for wanting to end the relationship. Remind him that you spoke to him before and he didn't choose to get help and these are the consequences. Validate all that you see positive about him. This will give him a chance to absorb the news and think about it. Tell him you are willing to talk in person after he thinks about what you said for a while. Tell him there are things he can do to learn to avoid an outburst. Make him understand that he doesn't live in a bubble and his actions do affect those around him. You sound like a thoughtful person, be kind but firm.


Those on WP who are offended by my views-let's put it this way-I am a recovering alcoholic-once I take that first drink I can't control my drinking. What I [/i]can[i] control is whether I pick up that first drink. I understand that once a meltdown is underway there's little you can do about it but there's a lot you can do a lot to avoid them in the first place. Know your triggers.



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24 Jul 2009, 6:31 am

buryuntime wrote:
I don't understand why you can't deal with the outbursts?


Because it's scary and humiliating to the person who has to deal with it. And pretty darn anti-social, ie, causes everyone within ear and eye shot to become extremely uncomfortable.

About fits/meltdowns: I personally favor walking away from anyone over the age of 18 who is having a fit, and stranding them in their behavior. Just leave and don't expose yourself to it. NT assistance is often scoffed at anyway, so why put yourself out? And if you put up with it once, you'll have to put up with it forever, so don't put up with it to start with. Walk away.

To the original poster: I think you are a very level-headed young woman and I definitely can relate to your position. I don't know what sort of goddess or saint it would take to be the support system for an aspie partner who doesn't want to work on his issues, but no mortal woman could do it, unless she was his mother (and even then... my mother-in-law just doesn't want to deal with it anymore. he's 46, for cryin' outloud!). Run, don't walk. And don't look back. And please, stop trying to take care of him. A break up is a break up and there is no such thing as a good one. If he has a hard time with it, he'll just have to do what all human beings have to do in such circumstances -- grieve, move on, learn, grow, change, get help from those who are in a position to do some real good. So, let yourself off the hook and get on with your life.

And how should you tell him? If it were me, I'd arrange it so that we were on the front lawn at his parents' house, or wherever his support place is, and I'd hand him a pre-written letter. A lot of aspies seem to do better with the written word than conversing one-on-one and you'll do better explaining something difficult, like breaking up, when you're sitting alone at your desk in the peace and quiet of your bedroom. And when should you tell him? Immediately. Skip the trip. I guarantee he will not do well if he's someone who can't deal with crowed public places, strange new people and a disrupted routine. You're asking for meltdowns and all sorts of negative behavior I think and I don't hear that you're prepared to deal with that in a situation where you can't just walk away from him and go home. Bad idea! You have to take care of yourself first, my dear, and let the chips fall where they may.

I wish you lots of luck and good for you!

Feyhera (wife/unpaid psych aide/disdained servant of an aspie)


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24 Jul 2009, 6:42 am

Feyhera wrote:
About fits/meltdowns: I personally favor walking away from anyone over the age of 18 who is having a fit, and stranding them in their behavior. Just leave and don't expose yourself to it. NT assistance is often scoffed at anyway, so why put yourself out? And if you put up with it once, you'll have to put up with it forever, so don't put up with it to start with. Walk away.

This is actually the correct thing to do in many circumstances, just for a completely different reason. In fact it if would be better if they could be isolated in a dark room on their own.

Meltdowns are usually associated with over-stimulation/sensory overload. Meltdowns imply an overt and explosive reaction. But this is just one type of meltdown. Some can be like total shut down.

So maybe your little bit of resentment proves quite helpful here. The incorrect thing to do is to try and talk to them a lot, bombard them with questions, demands, etc.



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24 Jul 2009, 6:54 am

I would suggest telling him in person and i don't think you should leave ANY possibility open for any future relationship or even friendship. From the sounds of his personality i don't think it is going to accept that the relationship is over and you're going to have to keep pushing him away and emotionally distancing yourself over the next month or two. Don't answer his phonecalls, don't agree to meet up with him after you've told him. Just completely cut contact.