Desperate Plea: How To Break Up With An Aspie Boyfriend

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hale_bopp
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25 Jul 2009, 8:16 am

TheFlummox wrote:
First off, I'd like to say that I'm sorry if this comes off as offensive, i can see how it might i just have nowhere else to turn at this point.

I'm an NT girl, I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 months and lately it's just become too stressful to deal with.

A little Background Info:
When we met i thought he was slightly awkward and my friends found him off-putting but I liked him and didn't notice anything too bothersome about it as I'm slightly socially awkward as well. A month or so into dating he casually mentioned during a conversation that he was diagnosed with Asperger's in H.S. but that he never thought it hindered his functioning in any way. I thought nothing of it and quite frankly kind of forgot about it.

Then came the tantrums - the first one was at a party, he was distant and occupied with his phone the entire time and then screamed that we had to leave immediately only an hour after we got there. The second was in front of my coworker after a concert, a bunch of us were talking and not really paying attention to where we were going so decided to change the plans up a bit - he threw a FIT so bad that my coworker and his friends were concerned that he was abusive toward me and even wrote me a heartfelt letter telling me that i could reach out to them for support. It was embarrassing to say the least.

After the situation in the cab i begged him to seek counseling or learn coping techniques for controlling his outbursts. He promised he would - he hasn't. In the meantime I've been reading up on Asperger's and trying to stay positive about the continuous fits, his inability to be emotionally supportive, his indecision about basic things and scores of other things that i have not idea how to deal with.

I thought i could make it work, by simply not going out as much or taking him to places where there will be loud noises or alot of people. I try not to make any sudden changes in my plans as that seems to stress him out the most. When he has an outburst I try not to freak out, and I simply wait for it to be over. But in the midst of this, I've lost all romantic feeling toward him. We haven't had sex in a month, I don't think he's noticed and I'm rarely affectionate with him. From what I can tell he thinks everything is perfect. But i know I can't be with him anymore. I have to break up with him.

Now to the question: How do I go about it? He gets sooooo anxious and stressed when there's a slight hitch in plans. I can't imagine what to expect from him with this. Also, we made plans months ago to take a trip and it's coming up in about a month. Should I wait until after the trip, so as not to worry him more? Should I warn him in a more direct way that things aren't going well so it's not a shock to him? How do I do this? Should I do it in a public place? At his apartment? Over the internet or phone? What would make him most comfortable? He told me once that after he broke up with his ex he became depressed and suicidal and lost his job - I really do care about him and don't want to completely screw up his life, but staying with him is just not an option for me.

I should also say that he's generally a sweet, intelligent guy and despite all the problems I know he has plenty to offer someone in a relationship. But I don't think I'm strong enough to handle this right now, that's all.

I know not all people with Asperger's are the same and that I probably sound like a complete jerk, but the only advice I get from my friends is to do just do it and not worry about his reaction, that he'll get over it. I'm hoping that maybe the people on this forum will have a little more insight on what I should do. I don't mean to categorize or generalize, I'm just desperate. I know the longer I wait the harder it will be on him. I just want to do this right.


- Thanks.


You don't sound like a jerk, It's a personal decision and you obviously have your reasons. You need to be careful, some aspergers people do not take rejection well and have angry outbursts. I am no good at breaking up with people myself, so I wouldn't have any good advice. Just watch your back after you do it in case he becomes a stalker.

buryuntime wrote:
I don't understand why you can't deal with the outbursts?


Because different people cope with things differently from oneself - and ability to cope varies from person to person.



billsmithglendale
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25 Jul 2009, 9:31 am

Daemonic-Jackal wrote:
inthehills wrote:
I'd tell him over the phone. Good luck.


Basically take the shallow and easy way out. :shameonyou: Im sure he'd be well impressed with that.


Does she need to impress him? He certainly impressed her, but he gave the wrong impression. Who cares what he thinks if she's going to dump him?



CrinklyCrustacean
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26 Jul 2009, 2:51 pm

billsmithglendale wrote:
Who cares what he thinks if she's going to dump him?


Dumping someone is not a "Get out of Jail free" card for disrespect. :shameonyou:



Seanmw
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26 Jul 2009, 4:33 pm

0_equals_true wrote:
Feyhera wrote:
About fits/meltdowns: I personally favor walking away from anyone over the age of 18 who is having a fit, and stranding them in their behavior. Just leave and don't expose yourself to it. NT assistance is often scoffed at anyway, so why put yourself out? And if you put up with it once, you'll have to put up with it forever, so don't put up with it to start with. Walk away.

This is actually the correct thing to do in many circumstances, just for a completely different reason. In fact it if would be better if they could be isolated in a dark room on their own.

Meltdowns are usually associated with over-stimulation/sensory overload. Meltdowns imply an overt and explosive reaction. But this is just one type of meltdown. Some can be like total shut down.

So maybe your little bit of resentment proves quite helpful here. The incorrect thing to do is to try and talk to them a lot, bombard them with questions, demands, etc.
all your replies so far seem quite uncommonly insightful. just thought i'd say.


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MikeH106
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26 Jul 2009, 5:34 pm

Reading this makes me wish I were less angry.


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26 Jul 2009, 6:12 pm

0 equals truth wrote:
This is actually the correct thing to do in many circumstances, just for a completely different reason. In fact it if would be better if they could be isolated in a dark room on their own.


They keep me locked up in this cage
Can't they see it's why my brain says “rage”

Sanitarium, leave me be
Sanitarium, just leave me alone

Build my fear of what's out there
Cannot breathe the open air
Whisper things into my brain
Assuring me that I'm insane
They think our heads are in their hands
But violent use brings violent plans
Keep him tied, it makes him well
He's getting better, can't you tell?


From Sanitarium by Metallica, isolation and misunderstanding breed hatred, if you think feeding that beast will make it better you're wrong, things don't magically change, they change through action, of course the person having the meltdown has to want the help, if not it's a lost cause, but running away from someone having a meltdown who wants help with the idea that "things will magically change and go for the better" is magical thinking and bad thinking at that, it's only good if the person doesn't want to change.

TheFlummox wrote:
I'm not afraid for my own safety - i highly doubt he'd ever get violent with me, it's really his safety that I'm worried about. Like I mentioned in the original post he told me that after his last break up he became depressed and suicidal and lost his job, and I'm worried that something like this could happen again. I might be worrying too much, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

Thanks Again Everybody.


You seem to care about him, I suggest maybe you, him, his friend and maybe his parents get together and have a discussion on this, it'll protect you (even though you feel there's no danger but better on the safe side) and you'll be dealing with it in a mature fashion.

0 equals true wrote:
If someone is really dangerous it is pointless reasoning with them anyway.


If someone is truely dangereous it'll take a restraining order to get them away from you, running away won't work since they'll just stalk you. Also she said she wasn't worried about her own safety.


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26 Jul 2009, 8:44 pm

CrinklyCrustacean wrote:
billsmithglendale wrote:
Who cares what he thinks if she's going to dump him?


Dumping someone is not a "Get out of Jail free" card for disrespect. :shameonyou:


I reiterate my point -- does it matter? He's already been more than a little disrespectful, meltdown or not. The relationship is finished, and I think the OP is in denial about the level of threat he poses. People do a lot of stupid things everyone regrets later in the heat of the moment. She should at least break the ice on this topic from afar first, then meet somewhere semi-public to talk calmly about it.



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27 Jul 2009, 3:42 am

billsmithglendale wrote:
I reiterate my point -- does it matter? He's already been more than a little disrespectful, meltdown or not. The relationship is finished, and I think the OP is in denial about the level of threat he poses. People do a lot of stupid things everyone regrets later in the heat of the moment. She should at least break the ice on this topic from afar first, then meet somewhere semi-public to talk calmly about it.


Yes it does matter. As some wise person once said, "Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate." I reiterate my point -- just because he's been disrepectful to her doesn't make it right for her to be disrespectful to him, whatever he did to upset her.



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27 Jul 2009, 10:03 am

CrinklyCrustacean wrote:
billsmithglendale wrote:
I reiterate my point -- does it matter? He's already been more than a little disrespectful, meltdown or not. The relationship is finished, and I think the OP is in denial about the level of threat he poses. People do a lot of stupid things everyone regrets later in the heat of the moment. She should at least break the ice on this topic from afar first, then meet somewhere semi-public to talk calmly about it.


Yes it does matter. As some wise person once said, "Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate." I reiterate my point -- just because he's been disrepectful to her doesn't make it right for her to be disrespectful to him, whatever he did to upset her.


We'll agree to disagree then. My stance in life is an eye for an eye, because if you let people walk all over you, they will never stop. Show them what it feels like, they reconsider. I've rediscovered this fact recently with coworkers and friends. It's sad to think that a lot of what we are taught culturally (especially in major religions) about how taking the high road or treating others how you expect to be treated (turning the other cheek, Golden rule, etc.) will always work, but sadly, it doesn't always, and some people will transgress and take advantage.

For those that don't transgress, the rules work fine, and I do treat others with the respect I expect -- even the lowliest janitor or fast food worker will get nothing but smiles and polite behavior from me. The saying that "You catch more flies with Honey" certainly is true. However, the jerks and bullies of the world only respect force and bad treatment back -- if you bend over for them, they will kick you in the ass (or worse).

Teddy Roosevelt encompassed this idea pretty well -- "Speak softly and carry a big stick." I have a lot of big sticks, and sometimes I don't whip them out nearly as fast as I should. When I do, they come down hard, and justly.



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27 Jul 2009, 11:34 am

I don't think there's anything wrong with breaking up with him by phone. It might even be less stressful for him, not to have to be face to face.

A friend of mine (a nurse) once gave me some good advice about breaking bad news to people; her tip was to 'sandwich' bad news in between positive information.

People usually pay attention to the first 10 seconds and the last 10 seconds of a speech, so if you could structure your break up speech in such a way that the bad news is cushioned by positives, it may minimise the hurt (won't stop it completely, but it might allow you to exit before the drama starts)

eg. good news: "I've really enjoyed ...., ....... , spending time with you..... interesting person....ya di ya..."

bad news: "but...it's not working out.....we shouldn't be a romantic couple anymore..." (may need to make this v obvious)

good news: "...I really think you're a great person.. you'll find someone special...."

It's shamelessly cliche, but maybe for a reason.

Honestly, it sounds his own fault if the relationship isn't working out; you've asked him to try and work out his issues and he seems to prefer to wallow in them. There isn't going to be a easy way out of this, but you can at least play your part with dignity and distance yourself. I wouldn't recommend staying friends with him.



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27 Jul 2009, 11:52 am

billsmithglendale wrote:
However, the jerks and bullies of the world only respect force and bad treatment back -- if you bend over for them, they will kick you in the ass (or worse).


That's what I used to think in high school... but if you're physically weak or outnumbered, a show of force is only going to encourage them. You have to demonstrate that it was wrong for them to have ever crossed you in the first place, and there are non-violent ways to do that... humiliation is a powerful asset to use in this endeavor, as is your ability to maintain composure under fire...

I'm not saying ignore the situation completely (as every high school guidance counselor will tell you to do)... that's worse than resorting to violence... but if you make it clear to John Q. as*hole that pushing your buttons won't get them anywhere, they stop being so much of a jerk...

In any case, I think you're being a bit misleading... punching people in the face is a one-way ticket to an assault and battery case, and possibly (depending on your jurisdiction) prison time... where you'll have real bullies to contend with...



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27 Jul 2009, 12:15 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
billsmithglendale wrote:
However, the jerks and bullies of the world only respect force and bad treatment back -- if you bend over for them, they will kick you in the ass (or worse).


That's what I used to think in high school... but if you're physically weak or outnumbered, a show of force is only going to encourage them. You have to demonstrate that it was wrong for them to have ever crossed you in the first place, and there are non-violent ways to do that... humiliation is a powerful asset to use in this endeavor, as is your ability to maintain composure under fire...

I'm not saying ignore the situation completely (as every high school guidance counselor will tell you to do)... that's worse than resorting to violence... but if you make it clear to John Q. as*hole that pushing your buttons won't get them anywhere, they stop being so much of a jerk...

In any case, I think you're being a bit misleading... punching people in the face is a one-way ticket to an assault and battery case, and possibly (depending on your jurisdiction) prison time... where you'll have real bullies to contend with...


Like you said, there's one way to skin a cat, and more than one way to stand up for yourself or to be assertive and combative.

In this case, it's just the social side of things -- the guy has been a jerk, Aspie issues notwithstanding, and right now no one is having fun with the relationship, especially the OP. I don't see breaking up over the phone as a punch in the face, and I think given this guys big freakout physical meltdowns, it's a good safe move.



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27 Jul 2009, 12:22 pm

CockneyRebel wrote:
They're not temper tantrums. They're called meltdowns. Look meltdown up in the dictionary.


Still doesn't mean the OP has to put up with them.



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27 Jul 2009, 1:08 pm

Your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend is failing to manage his disability appropriately. Management of his disability is his responsibility, not yours.

He has promised to get help, but he hasn't. Instead, he continues to allow his disability to harm others. He has meltdowns, but does not make sufficient effort to learn how to manage this tendency: he is content to allow himself to explode at you, an unacceptable choice. He fails to access services that would help him learn to manage stress, make decisions, and relate emotionally to his partner. Since he has not obtained support, he is lacking in many areas that are key for the success of a relationship. The fact that you care about this person does not make his self-neglect your responsibility. Whether he lives this way because he is too proud to admit his need for help, or because he is not aware of his level of dysfunction: either way, it is not your problem, it's his.

By extension, you are under no obligation to cushion the hurt of the breakup. It's nice that you want to avoid harming him, but if his support network is so frail that there is no way to break up with him without harming him, any harm that the breakup causes does not become your fault. It's only been four months that he has been with you, but he has had many years in which he has chosen to refrain from getting help. His failure to take care of himself is hard to watch, but it is not yours to fix. You have no ability to prevent him from becoming depressed or losing his job. You cannot conjure a support network out of thin air. These things are not your job. Maybe this break-up will be the wake-up call he needs to get his ass into therapy.

I strongly recommend that you maximize damage control, at the cost of everything else. Agree with the previous poster that his potential for a blowout is too much of an x factor to be lax in protecting yourself. Get all of your stuff out of his apartment or possession and into a safe space. If he is the type to contact you obsessively, defriend him on Facebook and change the ringer associated with his entry in your phone to "silent". Invite at least two people who you love and trust over to support you and to be there in your home with you. Even if you're not concerned that he might come to your house, better to protect your belongings, and better to have multiple people in case one has to leave or feels overburdened. Call him up and tell him that the relationship is over. Don't embellish or explain, and don't justify. Don't apologize. Be brief, be firm. Hang up.

I would not do the breakup-by-committee that someone else suggested. I would not do it by mail or email and give him some totem to obsess over or to forward to people. Just call him up and do it. He's a big boy, it's his job to handle it, not yours.

Before and afterwards, reach out to your own support network to help you through this painful process. It is hard to watch someone you love suffer. It's easy to want to take on the responsibility for their happiness and to protect them. In this situation, that instinct is working against you: you cannot help him or protect him. There is no magical way to break up with him that will prevent his own mismanagement of his disability from biting him in the ass. Just get yourself safe and do it.

I would not recommend talking with him afterwards without 1) significant emotional support of you, on your end and 2) reasonable self-assurance that you won't go into a codependent helper mode trying to clean up his mess.

Good luck and please screen your prospective partners for self-sufficiency more carefully next time; save yourself the heartache.



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27 Jul 2009, 3:02 pm

Sg33 speaks the truth. :salut:

The same thing happened with my mom and dad. My dad absolutely would not meet her halfway or accept that he was doing anything that was hurting his wife and kids because of his lack of empathy or reciprocity.

The difference between me and him is that I am managing my condition much more effectively and that I am willing to do the hard work to learn, grow, change and improve myself.



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28 Jul 2009, 10:41 am

CrinklyCrustacean wrote:
billsmithglendale wrote:
Who cares what he thinks if she's going to dump him?


Dumping someone is not a "Get out of Jail free" card for disrespect. :shameonyou:


Exactly this, and dumping somone without having the courage to tell them to their face is about as spineless as one can get.


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