TheFlummox wrote:
First off, I'd like to say that I'm sorry if this comes off as offensive, i can see how it might i just have nowhere else to turn at this point.
I'm an NT girl, I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 months and lately it's just become too stressful to deal with.
A little Background Info: When we met i thought he was slightly awkward and my friends found him off-putting but I liked him and didn't notice anything too bothersome about it as I'm slightly socially awkward as well. A month or so into dating he casually mentioned during a conversation that he was diagnosed with Asperger's in H.S. but that he never thought it hindered his functioning in any way. I thought nothing of it and quite frankly kind of forgot about it.
Then came the tantrums - the first one was at a party, he was distant and occupied with his phone the entire time and then screamed that we had to leave immediately only an hour after we got there. The second was in front of my coworker after a concert, a bunch of us were talking and not really paying attention to where we were going so decided to change the plans up a bit - he threw a FIT so bad that my coworker and his friends were concerned that he was abusive toward me and even wrote me a heartfelt letter telling me that i could reach out to them for support. It was embarrassing to say the least.
After the situation in the cab i begged him to seek counseling or learn coping techniques for controlling his outbursts. He promised he would - he hasn't. In the meantime I've been reading up on Asperger's and trying to stay positive about the continuous fits, his inability to be emotionally supportive, his indecision about basic things and scores of other things that i have not idea how to deal with.
I thought i could make it work, by simply not going out as much or taking him to places where there will be loud noises or alot of people. I try not to make any sudden changes in my plans as that seems to stress him out the most. When he has an outburst I try not to freak out, and I simply wait for it to be over. But in the midst of this, I've lost all romantic feeling toward him. We haven't had sex in a month, I don't think he's noticed and I'm rarely affectionate with him. From what I can tell he thinks everything is perfect. But i know I can't be with him anymore. I have to break up with him.
Now to the question: How do I go about it? He gets sooooo anxious and stressed when there's a slight hitch in plans. I can't imagine what to expect from him with this. Also, we made plans months ago to take a trip and it's coming up in about a month. Should I wait until after the trip, so as not to worry him more? Should I warn him in a more direct way that things aren't going well so it's not a shock to him? How do I do this? Should I do it in a public place? At his apartment? Over the internet or phone? What would make him most comfortable? He told me once that after he broke up with his ex he became depressed and suicidal and lost his job - I really do care about him and don't want to completely screw up his life, but staying with him is just not an option for me.
I should also say that he's generally a sweet, intelligent guy and despite all the problems I know he has plenty to offer someone in a relationship. But I don't think I'm strong enough to handle this right now, that's all.
I know not all people with Asperger's are the same and that I probably sound like a complete jerk, but the only advice I get from my friends is to do just do it and not worry about his reaction, that he'll get over it. I'm hoping that maybe the people on this forum will have a little more insight on what I should do. I don't mean to categorize or generalize, I'm just desperate. I know the longer I wait the harder it will be on him. I just want to do this right.
- Thanks.
You don't sound like a jerk, It's a personal decision and you obviously have your reasons. You need to be careful, some aspergers people do not take rejection well and have angry outbursts. I am no good at breaking up with people myself, so I wouldn't have any good advice. Just watch your back after you do it in case he becomes a stalker.
buryuntime wrote:
I don't understand why you can't deal with the outbursts?
Because different people cope with things differently from oneself - and ability to cope varies from person to person.
24 Jul 2009, 6:54 am
Im sure he'd be well impressed with that.
