Things you wish adults knew when you were a child

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Just an update, and a question. I have distributed the list to my sons' teachers, principals, and other relevant people, and it got an overwhelmingly positive response! My 7 yo is in a mainstream classroom, and I gave his teacher a copy yesterday morning. She e-mailed me last night asking to meet with me so that we can go over it, so that I can tell her which ones apply to him. I've been having some problems with her about how she treats my son, and I just thought she was one of those people that didn't want to have to do anything extra for special ed students. It's not that at all. She just didn't understand anything about autism, and had no idea how things effect him. There are people out there that are willing to be more tolerant, and inclusive, but they just don't know how to go about doing that. I want to say thanks again to everyone that contributed. It really has made a difference already with my own kids, and I'm hoping that by educating others it will continue to make a difference for other autistics as well.

Now the question. I was wondering if it would be possible to do this again, but with other topics like the reasons, and feelings behind lack of eye contact, stimming, sensory issues, need for routine... ect... If people were informed of the whats, and whys of of the things that we do, they might understand it better, and might not be so judgmental. The point is to take away the stigma, so that others don't fear what they don't know. There isn't much out there about these things, other then books, and info to stop your child from doing them. The only thing is, is that I'm not sure how to go about this without the 'list' turning into a small book. Most people will take 5 minutes out of their day to read a list of a few pages, but a book requires more dedication.

What does everyone think? I hope that my suggestion isn't inappropriate for the forum. I've been hesitant to ask, but that probably just me being paranoid.

Well, they could always...oh, I don' know....ask.

Thats what I noticed too...

At least at work, I am given respect and not brushed aside...explains why Im a workaholic when Im in college and woiuld rather work instead of going out on a friday or saturday.


Anyways, back in my younger years in elementary and junior and senior high. it was always the partner situation that made things miserable more than they already were.
I once had to play hooky and skip school for a few days and be a truant just so I could get excused from a PE partner assignment.The teacher was going to give me a zero because I didnt have a partner.I skipped school and got an excused instead...this is one of those rare cases where truancy actually pays off and gains marks instead of losing them.

I think it would be hard for NTs to know exactly what questions to ask. They can make assumptions, and jump to conclusions about what the behaviors that autistics display mean based on a NT POV, which is often incorrect. Much of the time they think they already know the answers, but their answers aren't correct. My son's teacher for example, had no idea that his brain, and sensory system operated so differently until I gave her that list. She knew he was autistic, but didn't know what that entailed. It seems to me to be a faulty ToM issue with NTs. They can't hardly imagine what it would be like to be autistic. The biggest one that my son's teacher mentioned was that she doesn't know how to tell if he's paying attention, now that she knows 'eyes on me' (that's what she calls it) doesn't indicate that he's paying attention. She had assumed that if he wasn't looking at her that he wasn't paying attention. For NTs, that's what that usually means. She wouldn't even have thought of asking me, or him for a second opinion, because she (mistakenly) thought she already knew the answer.

If they already knew the answer, would they honestly be having so much trouble?

Y'know what....maybe I'm just expecting too much of others or something, who knows....

serenity, I think you're spot on - NT's can't imagine what being autistic is like, find it extremely difficult to empathise with non-NTs, and hence their assumptions and conclusions, often excellent in the case of NTs, are often faulty. This isn't anybody's fault, you can hardly expect people to intuitively understand those that are neurologically different from themselves.
I think an important point is the following: autistics have different body language because it naturally comes out different than it does for NTs, that's why our body language can easily be misinterpreted. For an NT, it's instinctive to, if you're paying attention, for us it's not, and can find eye contact uncomfortable, not just not automatic. It's not a deliberate choice, it's how it comes out.
Anyway, best of luck, and congratulate your kids on having the mom they have.

Well ironically my girlfriend's friend recently asked me--as she went to a seminar where the speaker was autistic--"she said that you couldn't read body language? how do you not read body language?"

How do I honestly explain something like that? And no, she didn't say it in a bitchy way or anything; she's an awesome person.

She also suggested people may even be intimidated by me.....I still find that one hard to swallow, but I digress....

I don't think that you can explain how we don't read body language to an NT anymore than they can explain how they do. It's not a conscious choice for them. It's subconscious, because that's how their brain is wired. What we can do is explain how that might effect our communication. I've heard that up to 75% of communication is nonverbal, so that would mean that we're not picking up much of what is implied. I need people to be verbal in a very direct way, and for people to not assume that I know what they mean if they haven't told me in that way.

I haven't gotten any responses about making more lists about specific subjects, so I'm guessing no one is interested. I don't think that I'll make the list on my own, because I don't have a diagnosis, and I'd be uncomfortable with doing so. Also, because I'd like a lot of opinions, because we're all different. I'd like to gather as much insight as possible.

If there aren't any objections by the people that contributed to the list, a local agency that provides services for people with special needs has requested to post the list to their website. I thought that I'd ask before saying yes.

If I'm comfortable enough to look at someone directly for a sustained length of time, then I can read body language cues but it is still very hard for me to imagine how someone does that subconsciously. I wonder how much we miss simply because we avoid looking.

Hmm... I wonder how affective it would be to distribute that list around my old school system? i had a lot of problems, too. that is, if i am actually diagnosed with AS. however, after reading these posts, a lot of the experiences sound awfully familiar... didn't even know i liked my food separated! looking back, even last spring, it is pretty clear. we were all eating "garbage," which is the most awesome conglomeration of random foodstuffs... however, i was told i was "doing it wrong," and that the food should be mixed all together. Eeeeewwwwwwwwww!! !! !! ! of course, it was all in good fun.

for the pairing/group thing, often i would just pair up with the teacher or ta, even now.

That there wasn't anything "wrong" or "bad" with me, but I was just being myself.

That I wasn't a person "with" anything or a label, but a person in my own right.

That different people have different temperaments/sensitivities/styles of perception and these run in families.

That no everyone learns or works in the same way or is interested in the same things.

People who work in different ways or aren't constantly social, aren't "wrong" or "broken".

That the learning environment and style of teaching can influence how 'stupid' or 'clever' someone appears.

That someone talking constantly about one topic can actually help other people who wish to learn about that topic.

That detailed perception does have its uses if given the right environment to flourish.

That group-work and enforced oversocialising isn't always the way to go.

That pro-social activities forced on others can make other people behave in incredibly anti-social ways. People calm down and relax more and are more reasonable if there isn't a constant pressure to network and socialise.

That friendships aren't just the number of friends you have or if you can hang around in a group, but the quality of friendships you have and how well you serve the community by being yourself.


That people's personalities are as they are and that trying to force changes onto people can do more harm than good.

That people who rebel against the system may have valid points to make.

That I can form meaningful friendships and that the word 'meaningful' means different things to different people.

That I wasn't stupid, just overwhelmed and confused.


That to love and help people, you have to accept them for who they are.

I can think of several hundred things, but I'll attempt to narrow it down.

Never ask, "What's wrong with you?" If you see me struggling, support and assist me in a non-judgmental and non-condescending manner.

Humiliating me in front of the whole class me because the work I hand in is messy, or I'm spaced out in class doesn't help me. That's you venting your frustration, and makes things a heck of a lot worse for me. You really need to come up with more sensitive, appropriate teaching strategies, or find another profession.

Okay, you must be able to see that I'm a weird, clumsy, awkward kid who doesn't look at her peers or teachers, and just barely responds when spoken to. Please please PLEASE don't seat me next to an obnoxious bully in class. You may not be able to stop me from getting bullied, but you can at least not encourage it.

In pioneering class at sleep-away camp, if I don't want to do the ropes course, DON'T FORCE ME. I'm never ever EVER going to be okay with walking when balancing on a friggen ROPE, no matter what I have to hold on to. I have gravitational insecurity, and that's one of my ideas of a personal hell. I'd seriously rather walk on hot coals, provided hot coals are located on solid ground. I'm from the city, why do I need to be able to walk on a rope?? Moreover, if I'm crying and hyperventilating in terror, don't KEEP ON ARGUING WITH me, and insist I walk up the narrow log to THE ROPE OF DEATH until time runs out. Half of my bunkmates are behind me, and most of them actually WANT to do it. They're all going to gang up on me the moment we return to the bunk. If you just skipped over me, and moved on, it really would have been better for everyone.

Argh, this is turning more into a list of grievances than anything else. I have A LOT of bitterness about the way I was treated as a child. If I'm not careful, this could morph into a novel. The gist is, adults should learn not to disparage and ridicule those who they don't understand, instead using that energy to try and understand WHY a given child is acting in a particular way.