The Catch 22

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Mostly I feel I live the Catch 22 syndrome everyday. If I try to be social NTs don't get me, I hear Im "different" when they walk away, I seem to give the wrong impression to NTs often ect. If I keep to myself then I'm not friendly enough, selfish, strange as I isolate myself, my family tries to push me to be social and I miss church and events I attended up to about 10 years ago. I now have a 3 year old that Thank God may be some Aspie, but is social for now and I wouldn't wish what I go through on her or almost anyone else.

There are moments I just want to give up and maybe years ago I shouldn't have said "screw it" and walked away from being social. It seems my symptoms got worse or perhaps I realised others saw what I tried so desperately to hide and they became more pronounced. I finally realised that Aspieness wouldn't go away, I couldn't educate myself enough to have a descent job I liked and I was not going to outgrow the uncertainity of myself and feeling panicked in social situations.

Just rambling today I suppose.sigh

What just happened? You sound tired.

I describe it as more of a rubber ball.

I feel loneliness, then I attempt to be social for a bit. After a while, I start absorbing what has happened, and becoming more unsure of my actions and wether or not what I said was appropriate, wether or not people actually like me, etc. Then I bounce back to being unsocial for a while. I've been on an unsocial downturn for a few months now.

Though I rarely experience loneliness, I do tend to go through phases of being more or less social. In my case, less social means virtually no social contact with anyone for days or even weeks, and more social means a few phone calls. I rarely actually see the people I know face to face, mostly for geographical reasons.

People are exhausting in many ways. Even a phone conversation can wear me out, especially if I'm already stressed or fatigued.

I have noticed that my AS seems worse as I get older. Now that I'm 40+, I am acutely aware of how socially far behind I am compared to age-equivalent peers. This sometimes bothers me, but I know I cannot do anything about it, so I find the feelings of frustration fade.

I am tired I suppose. My husband got a higher position in his company, but it now involves alot more stress and he has less time for us and helping around the house. It's been about 2 years since we've been able to take a family vacation and get away from it all.

I am 35 quite a few times over. I do feel the frustration of not appearing as most women my age do in public. It is so exhausting anymore staying isolated is easier, but definetly very lonely.

I suppose having a few close friends might make more sense for you than trying to be "out and about" all the time. I mean, surely there are home-makers your age whose spouses work, and would like some company during the day... maybe having lunch, or something similarly nonthreatening...

I do see the problem of the catch-22, though I am rather happy being solitary. Socializing is stressful, and must be done in small doses. It helps if you don't mind that the doses are small. Natural introverts seem to do better with AS, except perhaps for natural extroverts who grow used to embarrassing themselves and come not to mind it...