How can I help my boyfriend, I believe he has AS.

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Tracker
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01 Oct 2009, 10:33 am

Hello, and welcome to the forums.

One thing that you need to know is that terms like Asperger syndrome do not accurately describe anybody. I can assure you that I myself am weird, at least weird enough that I do not fit into typical society the way most people do. But yet trying to describe me with labels would be an exercise in futility. I can not be accurately described as having autism, or having AS, or being normal, or anything like that because I am simply too complicated to be stuffed into a yes or no check box.

Likewise, everybody else in the world (including your boyfriend) can not be accurately described with just one label. Trying to determine whether or not he has asperger's syndrome is like trying to draw a line where the ocean ends and the beach starts. The ocean edge is constantly changing due to waves, tides, erosion, etc. Likewise trying to pin down something as complex as a human's personality with discreet little terms wont work. The diagnostic criteria is incredibly vague and open to interpretation by the diagnosing doctor. Some people might say yes, others might say no, it really depends on what the diagnosing doctor's criteria is, and how he perceives your boyfriend.

But in the end, the label doesnt really matter. What matters is what you do with it. If reading about it helps you and him to be in a better relationship then go ahead and learn all you can. It may benefit both of you to read about the condition, perhaps have him browse this forum, and learn about each other together. Come up with solutions to problems that you both face, and live happier lives because of it. Getting an official diagnoses doesnt really doesnt change anything. What you do with the information is the important part.



Yaya123
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01 Oct 2009, 11:00 am

Tracker wrote:
Hello, and welcome to the forums.

One thing that you need to know is that terms like Asperger syndrome do not accurately describe anybody. I can assure you that I myself am weird, at least weird enough that I do not fit into typical society the way most people do. But yet trying to describe me with labels would be an exercise in futility. I can not be accurately described as having autism, or having AS, or being normal, or anything like that because I am simply too complicated to be stuffed into a yes or no check box.

Likewise, everybody else in the world (including your boyfriend) can not be accurately described with just one label. Trying to determine whether or not he has asperger's syndrome is like trying to draw a line where the ocean ends and the beach starts. The ocean edge is constantly changing due to waves, tides, erosion, etc. Likewise trying to pin down something as complex as a human's personality with discreet little terms wont work. The diagnostic criteria is incredibly vague and open to interpretation by the diagnosing doctor. Some people might say yes, others might say no, it really depends on what the diagnosing doctor's criteria is, and how he perceives your boyfriend.

But in the end, the label doesnt really matter. What matters is what you do with it. If reading about it helps you and him to be in a better relationship then go ahead and learn all you can. It may benefit both of you to read about the condition, perhaps have him browse this forum, and learn about each other together. Come up with solutions to problems that you both face, and live happier lives because of it. Getting an official diagnoses doesnt really doesnt change anything. What you do with the information is the important part.


Hi and ty for the welcome. :D

As for the labeling comment, it isn't about labeling him, but giving him an answer which he needs. He needs that answer, he needs to know he isn't bad or wrong or insane. If that means he wants to pursue a diagnoses, which I support, then that is what it means. To me it isn't about labeling, but answers. I myself have been living with many labels for many years, but when I did seek out diagnoses for myself I took that and ran with it. It was a foundation to go from and so on. I believe that could be the same for him, but he is a grown man and that means he will decide what he needs. What I can do now is try to open up a stress free dialog and change myself so I'm more understanding and able to help him instead of causing him more stress. Which I'm sure will take time because I don't understand everything. One could say I don't understand anything lol. Just from the wonderful responses, including yours, I've realized that my way of helping isn't positive for him. I feel like an outsider, literally. I keep saying to myself, what he sees isn't what I see.

The thing is, had I not listened to my family friend about AS, I wouldn't have gone from that to here. I wouldn't have found this forum or even started to look at things differently. I wouldn't have made the connection, so while I get the whole "don't label me" thing as I agree with it, I also think getting an answer is a positive thing. If he fits in this spectrum, or whatever spectrum, then he isn't insane, he isn't a jerk, and clearly I've already pretty much come to terms that something else is there. He, on the other hand, has not fully. He suspects, but he hasn't really focused on it seriously or in a positive way, if that makes sense.

I believe personally that a diagnoses, and believe me my own were vague and not in a yes or no check box either, does change something. It gives an answer and a foundation for the next steps, that could be getting a second opinion or researching, reading, communicating, therapy, etc. I guess I never thought that he would get a label and then be shoved out the door and we just return to normal, which is negative right now.

At the end of the day what he thinks is more of a priority than what i think. He doesn't have an issue with labels or terms or whatever...in fact knowing him as I do, he would be upset at a diagnoses, but he also would tell his family and make a joke of it. It is his way of masking his feelings, that I picked up on 12 years ago. I can give him my thoughts, but he has the right to make his own decisions. Saying that, I will drag his butt to the doctor this month lol, for health reasons. He has dragged my butt to the doctor a few times too haha.

I understand your point of view and I don't disagree, but I also don't fully agree simply for the fact that he needs answers and it isn't about labels, but the label/terminology got me here and hopefully will get him here too and other resources as well. :D



Tim_Tex
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01 Oct 2009, 10:14 pm

Welcome to WP!


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sunshower
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02 Oct 2009, 2:15 am

Hi Yaya123, it's great that you're putting so much time and thought into this, he's very lucky to have you as a partner.

I just remembered something else that might be helpful; I have a male AS friend and what he does to help control his stress levels is vigorous exercise combined with certain pills that work for him.

I think one continuing thread throughout about preventative measures for meltdowns is exercise. It can make a big difference for several reasons; helping to calm the body, and the isolation part helps to calm the mind, plus all the frustration has an outlet. I would really encourage him to get serious about exercise, as it has been an invaluable resource to me ever since I got serious about it and many other aspies (both male and female) that I know.

I hope things are going well for you, and the advice is not too contradictory (it can be on this site ;) ). Best thing to do is to look for advice regarding dealing with particular issues he has, whether he is AS or not, diagnosed or not, he can benefit from these techniques as his problems are the same.


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sunshower
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02 Oct 2009, 2:22 am

Oh yes, and what you said about ignoring him exacerbating the problem, I can understand this in a way because it is a "response" if you will, which he has to think through and take into account (alongside all the other stuff roaring through his brain), and any response increases pressure on the brain for this reason. The absolute best thing for him, best thing he can do once in this state is to isolate himself. Any extra stimuli will only send it into overdrive.

Obviously, prevention is the best cure. Once in a severe meltdown, apart from isolation, there's really little that can be done to help that person until eventually the state passes. Sometimes it can last for a fair while; I have been in and out of that state for two days now, and violent sobbing, hitting things, being verbally abusive towards people/unreasonable is the sort of thing that happens to me. It's horrible and I hate it. It's especially horrible because you don't choose to be in this state; it's out of your control because effectively it's just like your brain gets fried.


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tlcoopi7
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03 Oct 2009, 5:13 pm

Yaya123 wrote:
tlcoopi7 wrote:
About your boyfriend, I believe that the first thing that should be focused on is the diabetes. Diabetes can lead to blindness, kidney failure that will result in dialysis and a possible kidney transplant, and even amputation of the foot if not properly taken care of. With him being obese, I am guessing that he has Type 2, and for that, a healthy diet and checking blood sugar are the best ways to get it under control. If his diabetes is not under control, it could lead to the problems I aforementioned or it could lead to his death.


He does take medication. His diabetes developed with weight gain as did other issues. He currently has his sugar levels under control, he checks it, he has been under the care of his current doctor, but he struggles with a healthy diet and weight loss. He has been avoiding going to the doctor for months, he has enough pills for one more month so he will have to visit the doctor this month. He is taking care of his diabetes with medication currently, but needs to lose weight and focus on health. He has issues doing that currently. He isn't doing nothing is what I'm saying, hopefully I didn't give you that impression.

The issue isn't his diabetes, the issue is that we both suspect he has AS and I'm needing help/guidance on how to approach the subject. He knows the risks and information about his physical issues. ;)

As for knowing about health, believe me we both are fully aware. I myself am on a journey of better health.


The best way to approach it is that both of you sit down and actually discussed about AS and hopefully it will lead to an official diagnosis by a psychologist.


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