Hi! New/married to aspie 5 yrs/just found out he's aspie

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with an aspie stepson who just moved in with us 7 mos. ago...

life has been challenging! One thing I can say, is that since my Stepson's dx (at age 15!) last Dec., and then researching and realizing that my husband and various members of his family are Aspie, that I am beginning to learn a patience I never thought I possessed.!

For instance, I have lifelong (I am 52) HATED being lied to...now I have come to understand that people lie for their guilt, failures, etc., and that I should not take it personally, as I used to.

At the same time, I have a husband who is Aspie but refuses to get a dx, or read ANYTHING about it, and a Stepson who we are struggling mightily to help him to get his grades to passing.

Actually, we split the duties well...I write to, communicate with, all of his teachers, to find out what he has not handed in, which classes he is sleeping through, and who has Projects coming up.. and my hus, who is super focused on his son's success, and very protective of him, keeps on him to produce the work...it's working, but we BOTH know this is a Band-aid...we cannot 'hold him to the fire' in college, or in a job...I will bring this up to his therapist on Thursday, how we are coping in the moment, but hope with therapy, will help him to take his own reigns.

Anyone who has lived though this, I would be most grateful to hear from.

Also, the rage?? How common is rage in this Spectrum? My hus is on better meds now, and the rage seems quiet(er), but we've seen 0 - 60 (in a second) too many times in this house for me to not ask if this is common?

Again, thanks for any input,

Di

My son is 19 and was diagnosed in high school and it's been a very long road. He doesn't think he over-reacts. He thinks everyone is out to get him into trouble and he is easily offended, but he pushes everyone's buttons and thinks it THEIR problem when they get upset. He is VERY into computers and techy things. He graduated (which only God Himself knows how!) He slept through most of his 1st period class which was Econ, required for graduation, but he did it. He did get a scholarship to go to college, then after he got the 2nd check for classes, he dropped out. He now has no health insurance and not in school. Upside, he does work part time and he is talking about going back to school. He's also kept his girlfriend since he was 16. I don't think MY own learning will ever end with him in the house.

rage yes rage yes...

if you can imagine for a second all of the great memories you have. the tiny moments that filmmakers so desperately try to recreate authentically. the tiny details that really let you know that you were loved by your parents and family. understood by your friends and teachers and doctors. and protected by authorities and government. if you take all those memories and cover them in blackness, this might help you understand the loneliness and rage your stepson feels.

my family never even noticed my condition because they were wrapped up in depression and despair. It takes happy people to detect aspergers so it sounds like you might be a step ahead of the game. being punished for not being something you are not would make anyone angry to the nth degree.

until I am / was able to cope with my condition, good memories had to be intentionally placed in my mind by others. it was this contrast that helped me see that I was on the spectrum. I hope this sheds some light on the boy's predicament.

best of luck

Welcome to WP!

I am going to move this thread to Parent's Discussion to facillitate a discussion with others in your position. Welcome to WrongPlanet.net!

Merle

Hello there.

About your husband's rages. These are not the result of AS, because not all people with AS do them. They are the result of being highly stressed out, and overwhelmed. Both of course are common side effects of AS, which is why some people tend to think of the rages as caused by AS. But if you can take steps to reduce the anxiety, then the problems should diminish. Also, your husband will need to put effort into it himself. This is not your job to fix things for him. You can certainly help, but he will have to be an active participant in making things better. He is going to have to learn patience, and self control like is expected from any adult.

To WrongPlanet!! !

Might I recommend a total rebirthing of sorts? I discovered the spectrum and it's influences on my family a few years ago. I am still trying to figure out all the ways I can better deal with life, my spouse, my kids, etc.
As an NT (can I assume you are?), you probably will not ever totally understand how their mind works, all you can do is listen, and try to be understanding.
The earlier post about trying to help relieve stress and anxiety are very important. For me, that invloves first and foremost diet. I have discovered that my mental condition is heavily influenced by my digestive health. We have changed our diet to include as few processed foods as possible, no HFCS (high fructose corn syrup), minimize the artificial colors, and just eat fresh foods when possible, without preservatives. You would be surprise how much better eating healthy will make everyone feel (including you).
Secondly, look into sensory issues and if they seem stressed when overstimulated. Research sensory integration issues and see if any of that sounds familiar. Noisy environemnts, lots of bright lights, too much video games, etc can all create meltdowns.
Determine whether they need space or if they need to be held when they are stressed. different people have different needs, but figuring it out and meeting those needs can greatly shorten the stressful times.

Hi Di5,

I am very new here and quite new to the Aspergers way of life but I can share some things with you that I have learnt.

My son and husband both have Aspergers and are both lovely sweet tempered people, but! they both can have big blowouts of anger at times. When they do it tends to be over something really minor and so my assumption is that it is just a way for them to release some built up tension. I just stand back and let them go for it and be ready with hugs when they are done.

I find that a trigger for both of them is when they feel overwhelmed. They need to have things broken down in to easily manageable sizes, my son needs this at school as well. An example is that I can't just say " Go and clean you room" I need to say put your dirty clothes in the bathroom and then when he is done I will say make your bed etc etc until it is done. My husband is the same, I just need to let him know very specifically what I need him to do and not overwhelm him with too many requests or too much information.

Great info from all of you, and please keep it coming...I have read, perhaps 8-12 books, and looked at many blogs since our sons dx...I underSTAND much more... My (Step)son is in Behavioural Psych, but my hus has never read a book about it, feels guilty about "passing it on", and just generally seeks avoidance. Feels "picked on" by everyone...all the time....rages often, is verwhelmed quite often, feels persecuted,. and focuses mostly on: the new responsibility of managing his bio son, and his "Undiagnosed Neurological Disorder"...

Anyone see that kind of pattern? PLESE respond, if you have ANY thoughts and input...

Thanks!
Di

I'm an NT male married to a recently dxd female. Before her dx things were, at times, very difficult. Many of the same issues you've mentioned. Once she got dxd however, things started to change dramatically for the better. She is on meds to help her cope w/anxiety but even more importantly she has accepted her dx with open arms.

She accepts that because she has As that the way she sees the world may not always be 100% rational or balanced. She accepts that she may not always be right. She understands that sometimes she won't understand, and that's OK.

She still has AS, of course. She always will. But now we can work together to better understand and help each other through stressful times. It is like day and night compared to how things used to be.

IMO you will always have an uphill struggle unless your husband accepts his AS & emraces it, the good and the bad. You mentioned he is on meds. How is he on meds if he was never dxd for AS?